[specialk]

I have just had a frightening relapse & dropped $23K in one day by chasing losses… or just under half of my current life savings.
After 9 months of abstaining from gambling & attending GA meetings, this is a big blow.. financially & emotionally.

I also feel extremely stupid because I went to the race track for a friends birthday, which was the beginning of the end. I’d somehow convinced myself that I’d be able to control it & stick to a gambling budget, but mix in alcohol & online gambling and I guess this was only going to end 1 way.

I can’t believe that I put myself at that sort of risk, & i have now paid a heavy price. This is not the first time I have had a bust like this, so I really should know better… I am simply powerless over my gambling addiction & every relapse seems to be more desperate & devastating than the last…almost like that sick part of my brain is making up for lost time. I’m feeling in a very bad place with lot’s of dark thoughts. I have worked so hard to save that $$$, & I am having very strong urges to chase these losses with the other half of my savings.. but I know that I can’t as this might tip me over the edge.

I’m 38 & have always had problem with gambling from a young age, but I crossed the invisible line back in 2009 when I discovered online gambling (& alcohol to numb the pain & throw any inhibitions out the window.. enabling me in the past to chase & chase with Credit Cards.)… & it has been a spiral of periodic binges. Betting bigger & chasing losses.

However, I believe that I have perhaps kept the door ever so slightly ajar in my previous attempts to stop gambling & it seems after a period of abstinence I get confident that I can perhaps regain some control.. Pathetically I actually seem to have much less control as proven by each relapse. Hopefully yesterday will help me realise that I need to be completely uncompromising with gambling.. which means no conversations about betting at work.. no watching racing on the t.v… no glancing at form guides.. not betting at all.. EVER.. for the rest of my life.

On the positive side I do still have some savings for now & I have a house in a different state (with a large mortgage, also impacted by gambling) & I have a decent job & a supportive partner. She really got an appreciation yesterday for how bad my addiction is & logically I don’t think her support will continue to be there if I don’t address this problem with everything I’ve got. I would hate to hurt her future any more than I already have & am thinking right now that she’d be better off without me.

It’s completely eating me up inside right now.. what I could’ve done with that cash. Can’t sleep.. The next few days are going to be tough… I’ve gotta try & stay strong & somehow not be too hard on myself and let this ruminate in my head for weeks & slowly drive me insane.

When you’re like us the only way to have any quality of life is through not ever having that first bet. I’m so sick of gambling & the regrets it causes & I am hoping this will be the last time.

Keep fighting the good fight!!

[velvet]

<

Hello special K and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[vera]

Hi SpecialK,
I am so sorry to hear you lost so much money so fast after a nine month stint without gambling.
I know that terrible feeling only too well.
The good news is your girlfriend knows and she can “stop the haemorrhage” if you surrender your cards to her to prevent you chasing your loss.
You learned an expensive lesson but let’s face it, once a CG returns to gambling, it’s better to lose fast . That sounds cruel, I know but it is cruel fact of gambling. Whether it takes a day or a month, once we return to the scene of the crime, it will all end in tears so why prolong the agony.
I had a similar experience last year. A huge sum of money vanished fast. The difference is, I never told my husband. It took me months to recover from the shock but I have a plan in place and I am steadily rebuilding that fund. To lose again would certainly “tip me over the edge” as you say.
I know you are in shock now but that feeling will fade.
Look at the facts.
You have half of your savings left .(Keep them!)
You have an understanding GF. (Use her help)
You have fessed up and now accept that you cannot gamble again. (Just say “I can’t gamble today”).
You know what tools you need to repair the damage.
Make good use of them.
CGS NEVER WIN!
Let that be your mantra.

[Fritz]

Although the pain must be very intense today, as Vera noted you have several things still in your favor right now, focus on those positive things. Try focusing on what you have, not what you have lost.

You have a strong realization that gambling is completely off limits now. That is good. It takes some people longer than others to understand this deeply and completely. You are not alone by a long stretch in having relapsed. As time goes by our brain can play tricks on us making us believe we are no longer a compulsive gambler. Each day we need to stay vigilant and know that even one bet will ruin us.

It is so good that you have posted about this, I hope you will continue to post and put in place the necessary protections to minimize the potential for a future relapse.

You may want to try reading “The Easy Way”, it helped me to realize that I am not depriving myself by not gambling. I used to feel like something valuable was being taken away by abstaining from gambling, but no longer. This book really taught me a new way of thinking, and it has been very helpful.

Remember you are not defined by your gambling addiction. It is a treatable disease that you are suffering from, and you will get better!

[specialk]

Thanks Vera & Fritz! Really appreciate your responses & support. Today was Day 1, given that my last bet was with and online bookie at around 3am on Sunday morning… Back at work today was tough. I have a demanding job & of course there were a few ‘crises’ (if you can call anything that happens in day-t0-day corporate world a crises)., but I got through it.

You guys are right in that thankfully there are still some positives to focus on.. There are bigger ‘rock-bottoms’ out there for me if I want to keep on digging. I know & truly believe this.

Vera – You’re right about losing fast! It really, really hurts, but when you’ve been trying to deal with the problem as long as I have a brutal & quick loss may be just what I need to deal with the problem longer term. Sounds sick (& it is in some way), but like you say CG’s never win. Sorry to hear about your similar experience last year., but well done to you for turning it around & your recovery to date

Fritz – Definitely a strong realisation for me that gambling is 100000% off limits for me. But I have been here before & it’s extremely frustrating to not have learn’t this by now… but gambling is a very powerful addiction.. I think something broke in me yesterday.. I hope it was the last of my will to ever want to gamble again. It feels like that, which is also a positive.

The relapse was horrible.. Almost like I was having an out-of-body experience, watching myself just wanting that one big winner…. It was strange & scary. Probably the first time I have seriously considered suicide… admittedly I was drinking heavily, but I think that’s how it can happen. People can’t control gambling & repeatedly relapse, they get off their face, & they kill themselves not being able to deal with the pain. I don’t say this lightly & it does scare me. Sorry if that is not a healthy thing to post. It was just thoughts thankfully, but it was real & maybe it might have taken that to be able to surrender & get on with my life. I’ll try & track “The Easy Way’ down too given your recommendation.

Also spending time speaking with people who understand the problem, has made me reflect & realise a few things:

1) I’ve never really given quitting gambling & recovery the effort needed. I’ve done counselling & meetings, & got up some periods of abstinence. But never wholly committed to the diligence needed to stay off the punt. That must change.. A sick part of me loves to gamble.. I need to put a lot more hard ongoing work in if I’m to stay in control of that. There were a lot of poor decisions & warning signs that I chose to ignore in teh weeks leading up to this by allowing the addicted part of my brain to start driving the bus .

2) For so long with me it has been totally about the money lost & wallowing in past losses. It is unhealthy & just eventually brings me back to have another go the source of my misery. .oO Maybe controlled gambling over time will allow me to win my money back, I think? & I can somehow conveniently ignore all those painful past experiences. It is crazy, embarrassing & unnecessary.

3) I gotta stop thinking too far ahead of myself. Before the bust I was planning 1 to 2 years ahead. Everything was going great. Had just returned from an O/S holiday.. recently got engaged. A decent amount of money in the back for the first time in years (through time off the punt & not having big busts).. I was living life!.. & then whammo!.. The signs were there for me to realise that some ‘day at a time’ living was needed.

4) I am drinking too much & need to slow down. I am replacing lack of gambling binges with drinking binges & this is a dangerous thing for me.

I know there are some very hard days ahead.. & the urges are worse than ever.. but I got to focus on the bigger picture here & turn this loss into an opportunity to start creating a life with no more gambling regrets.

Goodnight!

[vera]

Brilliant post, SpecialK! One that every CG could identify with, in the aftermath of a gambling fiasco. Taking time to reflect brings perspective to the Game!
Very few people come to GT or GA and report a “wonderful, satisfying, eventful” outcome to a relapse. (I’m glad you didn’t use the word ‘slip’. CGs seldom ‘slip’. More like a ‘nose dive’!) We only hear doom and gloom. Nothing good ever comes from gambling. Reality checks will confirm this fact. Strangely, though , the human psyche has the power to obliterate pain and “flag” the “good” memories. That’s why a CG needs to put time between our thoughts and our actions. That also proves the importance of listening to or reading others’ bitter experience. We need to reinforce, in our limited brain, how powerful the addiction to gamble is for a CG and easy it is to forget that we are totally powerless the moment we succumb to that craze. This is where alcohol comes in. It fudges our memory, impairs our judgement and allows us to “throw caution to the wind”. Would you consider attending AA? I notice some of the guys at GA attend the two Fellowships.
Cruel at it may seem, SK, I think this big loss could be your saving grace. Money can be replaced but how much can your fiance take before she packs her bags. “Prison, insanity or death” are , reportedly the final outcome for gamblers. I have seen all three outcomes!
A very wise CG sage called KenL says
“Every CG has another bet in him/her, but not everyone has another recovery in them”!
Words are cheap SK. I spoke/wrote and sang the tune for years. Throughout that time, yes, I was losing money hand over fist, but of far greater concern, I was “putting nails in my own coffin!”
You are young. Life is at your feet.
your 4 key points CAN be addressed and overcome.
1.Abstinence versus recovery. Every CG loves to gamble but do we love the consequences? We can’t have one without the other!
2. Wallowing over past losses can lead us to trying to “win” back. Been there! wore the T shirt! Futile exercise! Try the Serenity prayer. We will never win anything back but we can restore our losses. Money being the least important loss.
3. “Running ahead”. I live my life with my finger on the Fast Forward button. We need to stay in the now. Today is all we have. Take deep breaths!
4. Alcohol and gambling don’t mix! CGs can’t cut down on gambling. Maybe you need to do more than cut down on the liquor. (Just sayin’!)
Ever word I write to you I also say to me, SK.
Be aware scary consequences but try not to dwell on them.. Life, without gambling is delightful. Why would you need to ruin everything you have?
Stay focussed!
over and out!

[vera]

Brilliant post, SpecialK! One that every CG could identify with, in the aftermath of a gambling fiasco. Taking time to reflect brings perspective to the Game!
Very few people come to GT or GA and report a “wonderful, satisfying, eventful” outcome to a relapse. (I’m glad you didn’t use the word ‘slip’. CGs seldom ‘slip’. More like a ‘nose dive’!) We only hear doom and gloom. Nothing good ever comes from gambling. Reality checks will confirm this fact. Strangely, though , the human psyche has the power to obliterate pain and “flag” the “good” memories. That’s why a CG needs to put time between our thoughts and our actions. That also proves the importance of listening to or reading others’ bitter experience. We need to reinforce, in our limited brain, how powerful the addiction to gamble is for a CG and how easy it is to forget that we are totally powerless from the moment we succumb to that craze. This is where alcohol comes in. It fudges our memory, impairs our judgement and allows us to “throw caution to the wind”. Would you consider attending AA? I notice some of the guys at GA attend the two Fellowships.
Cruel at it may seem, SK, I think this big loss could be your saving grace. Money can be replaced but how much more can your fiance take before she packs her bags?
“Prison, insanity or death” are , reportedly the final outcome for gamblers. I have seen all three outcomes!
A very wise CG sage called KenL says
“Every CG has another bet in him/her, but not everyone has another recovery in them”!
Words are cheap SK. I spoke/wrote and sang the tune for years. Throughout that time, yes, I was losing money hand over fist, but of far greater concern, I was “putting nails in my own coffin!”
You are young. Life is at your feet.
your 4 key points CAN be addressed and overcome.
1.Abstinence versus recovery. Every CG loves to gamble but do we love the consequences? We can’t have one without the other!
2. Wallowing over past losses can lead us to trying to “win” back. Been there! wore the T shirt! Futile exercise! Try the Serenity prayer. We will never win anything back but we can restore our losses. Money being the least important loss.
3. “Running ahead”. I live my life with my finger on the Fast Forward button. We need to stay in the now. Today is all we have. Take deep breaths!
4. Alcohol and gambling don’t mix! CGs can’t cut down on gambling. Maybe you need to do more than cut down on the liquor. (Just sayin’!)
Ever word I write to you I also say to me, SK.
Be aware of the scary consequences but try not to dwell on them.
Life, without gambling is delightful. (sometimes)
The Gambling Life is not worth living.(ever)
Why would you need to ruin everything you have?
Stay focussed!
Keep posting!
Over and out!

[Auteur]

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