HI Lost,
My partner is a compulsive gambler now in recovery after 30 years. All I can say is the worse thing for a partner is being lied to, worse than the lose of money, worse than anything. I can not tell you how she will react if you tell her, obviously she will be upset but I do believe from my own experience and talking to other partners that finding out that you have lied to her (and she will) will be far worse. You could perhaps tell her and ask her to take care of your money, this will both protect your finances and show her you are serious about wanting to get help?

You will not get out of this addiction on your own so seeking help now would be a good idea, on here is a good start but there is also GA, counseling etc. My partner tells me that it wasn’t until he learned to talk about his issues (both gambling and not gambling related) that he started to truly enter recovery.

As for the debts, there is no quick or painless fix but there are places you can go for this and it can be managed. My partner is not debt free but he is managing his debts now and they are no longer the huge burden they were. I can’t tell you how hopeless his situation has seemed at times but things are now completely turning around, it is possible.

I hope you don’t mind me commenting on your thread and I if you manage today without gambling, that’s got to be the place to start. Lily x

Hello Lost and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

Hi there.

Let me begin by saying you most certainly have not lost everything.

You have a fiancé, and by coming here and admitting you have a problem you now have hope.

The thing is, it’s quite evident you need help and support, but do you want this, really want it??

If so this forum ist a great place to start.

I am 50 years old and have lived with a serious gambling problem since I was about 15 or 16. On occasion I have lost everything, you are far from that predicament but this is a very serious addiction/illness/problem and it is progressive things will get worse unless you take steps now. Gambling has caused devastation in my life, not just to me, but to all those around me.

Regards to your debt; although it maybe overwhelming to you it is only a consequence of the gambling not the main issue. Of course it must be addressed and as I am in UK am not best placed on how to advise you.

You recognise that your gambling effects more than just you and that is a great observation. I can’t advise you how to tell your partner but I suggest it’s something that you must do as a matter of urgency. You have told her before and she has not grasped the full gravity of your problem. As Lily says above it is the lying that causes distrust. You talk about your marriage plans. Keeping secrets is not a strong foundation for any sort of relationship, never mind a wedding. I completely understand your apprehension in telling your partner, having been in your position many times over. Sometimes I would “chicken out” and make up ridiculous lies in order to borrow money. My gambling has lead me to crime many times over I have a criminal record longer than this post. Starting off with shoplifting, but as the gambling got progressively worse so did my lies and my offences. I have been to prison 5 times in my life all for dishonest crimes all to feed gambling. Pathetic but true. I am not proud of this fact, nor of the fact that when I was first in your position I chose not to tell my fiancé. If you love her then you should tell her. I presume you are a young man because you mention student loans I was a young man when I started gambling I am an old man now, the level of my gambling debt is obscenely grotesque I owe over 7 years of my annual salary. And for why???

Gambling is nonsense my friend. It is not impossible to stop though but I am yet to meet anybody that has stopped without help and support.

Your partner might, and probably will be, more supportive of you than you think. However if she finds out about this before you tell her she will feel betrayed by you, how can she believe you when you tell her that you love her, when you’ve been deceiving her like this.
You do acknowledge that your gambling effects her, but I think you may under estimate exactly how much. When she finds out you’ve done this it may well knock her for six. Whether it does or not, she will need support for herself and I suggest you point her in the direction of the F+F forum on this website. Maybe this might make it easier for you in telling her??

It looks like gambling has not got you completely saturated like it did do to many of us here. You have hope and it would be advantageous for you to take the bull by the horns and get a recovery plan put into place now. Before you really do lose everything.

You have a roof over your head, you have Internet acccess therefore a computer or smart phone. You have an education, you have a bright future, I would reckon you have clean clothes and a toothbrush.

To lose everything is something completely different my friend. Apart from the times in prison, I’ve lived on the streets without a penny in my pocket I had lost all but hope, there is always hope for everyone but not everyone realises this.

I do appreciate exactly how you feel, but please understand this. It takes a big man to stand up and admit an addiction. The only sensible thing you can do is tell your partner she does not deserve to be married to a liar.

I wish you well.

I have typed this out on my phone and it has taken me two hours. The post I typed last night took 3 hours but for some tech reason I couldn’t post and lost it. I hope I have not wasted my time, I certainly would not have taken the time if I wasn’t hopeful you turn things around. In fact I know you can, there are many on this forum who have.

Good luck with it all.

Geordie.

Sent from my iPhone

Hi,

There is never going to be an easy way to tell partners/family but what does make it easier is to not just present the problem but rather to also show her what you are going to DO to deal with the issue. Note I said SHOW not tell. Actions speak louder than words. You don’t trust yourself with money? That’s fine, then get your wages paid/transferred into your partners account, It’s still your money of course but you won’t have easy accessto it, you will be accountable. Get yourself banned from those local casinos, get to those GA meetings, keep posting here.

You might want to show her this site as well, there is a Family and friends forum where she can also get support and advice.

Keep posting and remember – the problem isn’t as important as what you are going to DO about it.

I just read your thread and was wondering how things were going?
Did you manage to tell your fiancée?
When I told my husband I just laid every debt on the dining room table and when he walked in from work I told him I needed to show him something.
I truly thought he would leave.
He didn’t.
I hope that you are doing ok, and have put up some barriers to keep yourself safe.
Love K xx