[kin]

[kin]

Goodbye to honeymoon and welcome to reality in recovery.

Dear diary
They say that recovery from addiction was like climbing up an escalator going downward, when you stop climbing up the escalator, the addiction will bring you down.
Imagine to my horror one day when I see myself going not up or staying still but going down suddenly climbing up the escalator. This was something that I did not expect and understand, it was a sign telling me to climb harder.
I admitted that I have panic out of fear and gamble. Gambling is not a way to resolve any problem.

[kin]

Dear diary
I can recognize the same struggles, and insanity in early recovery. The frequent self-destructive thoughts was very strong, and I feel like a walking time bomb waiting to blow up anytime.
1. Whenever I feel disappointed and frustrated nowadays, I was surprise that I will automatically think of gambling for the solution. This is how I will eventually lose every single cent and I have struggle to ignore this feeling.
2. My mind will automatically think of borrowing more money to sponsor my gambling. Now I can see how harmful and destructive this is becoming to others and myself, I would have to tell lies to obtain the money, abusing their trust and cheating those who cares and love me, knowing that I have no immediate means to return them the money, I am giving them more false hope and hurting them. This is also how my debt will snowball and grow to unmanageable amount. I have struggle to ignore this thought.
3. It was insanity thinking, the thought to gamble still feels very strong and it felt like it was the right thing to do because it focused on the recent winnings, it sound and feel so convincing that I could possibly do it again.
Something was very wrong with me, my mind would block out and not remember any feeling of shock, disappointment, pain, frustration and helplessness from all my recent losing experiences. It was still thinking of doing the same thing and expecting a different result after so many failed gambles. Returning to gamble is insane.
4. It is taking me so much more effort, time and struggles now to take the first step, to do the next right thing. It was so much easier and quicker to go ahead to gamble than to finally do some honest hard work. Something very simple and easy for everyone to do has become a psychological barrier for me. This is an insane struggle.
I have not had these strong self-destructive feelings for a long time. It returns after I gamble for a month recently. It reflect on all the struggles and challenges that anyone new in recovery faces.
Many things are still very irrational, I am not very firm in my decision and I do not trust myself too much at this moment. My mind, heart and soul is not in line.
In early recovery, I must ignore my self- deceiving thoughts to gamble and stop borrowing any more money.
I was defeated by gambling. I become powerless when I gamble and gambling has made my life unmanageable.

[kin]

Dear diary
I nearly risk the most important thing to me, the trust and relationship I work very hard to regain. My mind was telling me to do it today, I feel like doing it and have a desire to do it but my heart was not very sure about it, I am very afraid that I would regret this decision very quickly and it will be too late for me to turn back.
I choose to ignore my thought and went to sleep. When I woke up, the feeling was gone.
If I am not gambling, I will not have this problem. I will not gamble with money I do not have, and I will not borrow to gamble. I will not have new and unmanageable debt.
If I am not gambling, the little I have will be sufficient for living expenses.

[kin]

Fear and anxiety was so powerful and disturbing that it can distract me and take my mind away from my focus to stay gamble free.
Today I was reminded of something very real. If I do not have long to live, I would not have spend time on gambling. My time and money will be spent on people important to me, not on gambling.
I can understand that there are many others who needed the money more than me, I should not have waste it on gambling.
Gambling gave me false hope. I believe that it can get me more money quicker to love my family but what it does was trick and rob me of all my money fast too.
It really saddened me that I have turn away from the truth and hope in God and recovery because of fear, and replace them with the lies and false hope found in gambling.

[kin]

Hi Vera

Thank you for sharing. You have spoken out what was in my mind and heart when I crossed the line.
This was exactly what happen to my thought:
Why I should not gamble has turn into why don’t I gamble.
I watched how I look at all the reasons why I should not gamble to stay gamble free, until I look at all the excuses why I should gamble.

[vera]

WE know that gambling is an Illusion, Kin.
A lie.
Deceit.
False hope.
When we look in the wrong place for love, we find fear.
When we look in the wrong place for joy, we find sorrow.
When we look in the wrong place for peace we find turmoil.
When we look in the wrong place for hope we find despair.
START LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACES ,KIN.
You know where they are.
Well done on starting a new thread.
Stop grieving about your loss.
This is A New Beginning.
Another chance.
Use the lessons you learned to make you stronger and wiser.
Say the Serenity Prayer.

[kin]

Dear diary
Starting temporary work today as a security guard while I search for full time employment.
I don’t know about others but it took me a long time to finally overcome this psychological barrier and obstacle of fear and anxiety. I had wanted to wait until I am ready, but I become more fearful instead as time passes by and I cannot do anything, I felt so useless, I was never going to be ready.
What I thought was right to do, I didn’t do. What I feel like doing but was wrong, I did it. It was a mess.
My mind and body can think and feel what it want now but I am going to do the next right thing. Many time the next right thing is not something I like to do. By the grace of God, I find a new found courage to take the first step.
Having an income allow me to continue to do the next responsible thing at home. I will be financially less stressful, tense and less likely to panic.
Long hours at work and tiring myself will keep me occupied and busy. I should have no free time to gamble.
In the meanwhile, my mind is still not in the recovery mode, it is not stable.

[kin]

Dear diary
Don’t I hate it in early recovery that my thought, my feeling and action are not in line.
One day, I notice
My thought: I need to work today
My feeling: I don’t want to go to work today
My action: I had to choose what I dislike NOW, I force myself to go to work today
Spoke to my sponsor, he call this self-discipline
Today I notice
My thought: I want to gamble today
My feeling: I feel like gambling today
My action: I had to choose what I don’t want NOW, I don’t allow myself to gamble today.
Today I read a motivational message
DISCIPLINE is just choosing
between what you want NOW
and what you want MOST

[kin]

Dear diary
What I Need
and want Most

1. A Home, not a big house
2. Love, not sex
3. Happiness, not amusement
4. Health, not medicine
5. Sleep, not a bed
6. Friends, not acquaintance
7. Family support and financial security, not more money.

[kin]

Dear dairy

I was saved from further pain and suffering.
I wanted to press the self-destructive button and punt on two football matches at 6 pm and one at 4am last night.
The results is in the news, I would have lost in every match and lose all the money meant for paying up my bills this week.
I was glad I did not follow my feeling and thought, they are not trustworthy and dependable at this point of time.

[kin]

Dear diary
I need more practice, more repeated and continue effort to develop the muscle and the strength to SAY NO to my selfish, self-centeredness, self-seeking ways.
It is all about practicing total abstinence one day at a time. I TRUST everything will fall back into place. The faulty brakes will be fix, the thought, feeling and action will return back to normal.

[kin]

Dear diary
My suffering was self-inflicted.
I had a strong desire for money that I do not have, and when I do not get it, I become anxious and stress.
“It was actually not important for me to have this money at all ” and I can live without.
Old ways mean finding more money for the purpose of gambling.
Many time after I won, the big winning was always never enough to stop and I always wanted to gamble to win some more.
Many time after I lost, I need more money immediately to gamble some more to repair the damage.
Many time after I lost a big sum of money in a single bet, I will become very angry, impatient, impulsive and will bet everything I had to chase the loss.
The emotions I experience over long hours of gambling can also be very draining and tiring, so much that I wanted to cut short this suffering and bet everything in a single bet.
Many times after I lost everything, I will be shock and disappointed with myself that I actually allow the same thing to happen again.
I never understand how I could allow my winning to turn into losses and I can never understand how I could be so stupid to borrow some more money to gamble and get into debt after losing what I have.
The winning when they do come are not hard earned money.
Winnings are quick money that I do not have to work hard for many months to have them.
I do not want to wait many months and I do not wish to work hard for the money.
Gambling can take long hours, it can be mentally very taxing, exhausting and tiring, when that happen, it was so easy to lose all self-control.
I will not have these problem and troubles if I did not gamble. These suffering and pain are all self-inflicted.

[kin]

Dear diary
I check for incoming fund in my bank account today.
What was so interesting and strange to me was my thought and feeling today vs the last time.
The last time I received a thousand dollar, I thought and felt that the money I had was not enough, and wishes for more so I gamble for more money in the end and lost everything.
My situation still remain the same today but when I check and saw a smaller sum this time (880 dollars), I actually thought and felt the money was just nice and enough.
It was sufficient and all will be fine over time. I just need to stay calm, be still, do nothing and wait patiently.
13 days has passed since I started work as a security guard and every day was challenging and hard so far, I had to practice saying NO to my thoughts and feelings and do what I dislike the most. I don’t feel like going to work every day but I still had to go to work.
I was practicing to say “NO” to do what I want immediately and practice doing what I needed the most instead.

[kin]

Dear diary
I needed the practice very much, nothing comes free, the regular practice I put to resist and say No to gambling will prepare me for the future. It will help me to develop the muscle or mental strength and habit to stay gambling free in the future.
Thoughts
It did cross my mind to punt on a football match at 1am with the money I had last night. I am fully aware that these money are mean for paying up my credit card bill.
Consideration of the repercussion if I lost the money has never been the top priority in my decision when I study my risk profile and option.
The main focus has always been on the possibilities of winning, if it is not impossible, I would like to take the risk to made it possible. The winning was too attractive, it offer the quick money I want now.
I was aware that these distorted, irrational thoughts and feelings that I am having nowadays are part and parcel of early recovery, they are not reliable and dependable. I have learn in the past that I still have choices on the action, because I made the final decision to follow or not follow my thought and feeling.
Feeling
I feel like punting on the football match, I desire the additional money from the winning. This is what I want last night.
I feel that it is more important for me to use the same money to pay up my credit card bill instead. This is what I need most.
Action
I do not need to gamble for extra money, the little I have and earning now is enough and sufficient for my living expenses and commitments in the future.
The risk from gambling was too high, I cannot afford them.
I choose not to follow my thought and feeling to gamble on the football match.
One day at a time, I say No to gambling.
Anyway the result is in the news, I would have lost the money if I went ahead to gamble on the match.

[kin]

Dear diary
I do not have to listen or worry about what my my irrational and distorted thinking and feeling are telling me to do at all in early recovery as they are not reliable, trustworthy and dependable.
What I thought, see and feel are very deceiving and not real, It may look very real, sound very convincing and tempting to gamble but there was really no reason to do so, I can just ignore them. If I don’t fall for it, if I don’t gamble, it cannot do anything to me.
I had just paid my bills with little money leftover for living expenses today and yet I still have the same gambling thought, it was just habitual.
This problem is temporary. It too shall pass, once I form new habit, it will go away.

[kin]

Dear diary
When I stop gambling suddenly, I may experience withdrawal and have cold turkey but I still have a choice and I can choose not to follow my strong feeling to gamble:
I have to stop gambling!
I have to stop gambling even when I am not willing to stop gambling.
I have to stop gambling even when I want to gamble.
I have to stop digging the hole further.

I am willing to stop gambling!
I am willing to stop gambling even when I am not willing to stop gambling
I am willing to stop gambling when I want to gamble.
I am willing to stop gambling to repair the hole.

I want to stop gambling!
I stop gambling because I want to stop gambling.
I stop gambling because I am willing to stop gambling.
I want to stop gambling to prevent a new hole

I am still on the same street walking around the hole,
I look forward to the day when I am walking on a different street, there is no hole.

It was about staying gamble free despite the up and down in life.
Gambling is not a solution to any problem.

[DNcanada]

You sound like you are sticking to your plan. Good for you. Keep it up. I know how hard it is too.

[kin]

Dear DNcanada
Slow down. Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry. Trust the process.
Let the water settle and you will see the moon and the stars mirrored in the water.

[kin]

Dear dairy
I had a realization yesterday.
I was never ever thankful for any gambling done in the past, simply because I always loses everything at the end in the long run but I was really very grateful and thankful for any gamble free days I had in the last 4 years, because it has given me the opportunity to use the money that I did not use or lose to gambling completely for the right cause. This has only strengthen and given me more hope in the future.
“Do something today that your future self will thank you for.“
I can use this to convince myself to stay gamble free today, I may not be able to see the benefit immediately but I will see the big reward and benefits in the future when all the little things add up later.
Now I have 2 more tools in the bag to help me in decision making.
I remember Charles telling me to “choose to do what is best for me today.”
I have just learnt a new one “Do something today that your future self will thank you for.“
It will help me to made the right decision at the critical moment when I was blind to the benefit of staying gamble free.

[kin]

Dear diary

I have to write this down. A thought just cross my mind – My recovery must come first.

I never though about this before. My job is not my top life priority now, because if my work is too stressing and demanding, it can jeopardize my recovery and I can lose everything in my life.

I have been blinded all these while, not realizing that my job was an activity I do in recovery. It occupied my time, it take my mind away and keep my mind focus on something not related to gambling, alcohol, food and sex. It also take me away from all the slippery places and people. When I am living sober and not indebted, it is acceptable for me to have a small salary to continue my recovery.

Many times, my elderly mum don’t understand my recovery and her choice of words and tone at this time can be very triggering and hurting to my recovery when I am not working. I react to her words very strongly. I should have been more considerate and understanding. she is old and not literate, I was hurting her and myself.

Today I put myself in her shoes, it seem that she is not telling me to find more money, but she is just worried and wanted me to work, any job and pay is acceptable.

Today is last day on the part time job doing security work, my full time job will be starting on Monday.

I must make sure that losing my sobriety is not an option, I must be ready to made a decision to keep my sobriety and change my job anytime in the future.

Gambling was a trap and a robber, it get me into debt and made me lose the peace, joy and freedom that recovery has return me. This should not happen.

[kin]

Dear dairy
My Thought on my last relapse:
The benefit of not gambling was a long term and permanent solution. Gambling should never be an option or solution to any of my problem.

Recently I face a problem and I change my mind, I needed quick money, I feel that gambling can offer me a temporary solution. Why I should gamble become stronger than why I should not gamble at this point of time.
I cannot imagine winning can be a problem, after each gamble, it was one more time and one more time.
My thought before the gamble: One last time, I will stop after I win, and solve my problem.
My thought after I gamble: I won 12k sgd, I did not stop, I wanted one more time.

I saw how my lie of one last time turn into the truth of one more time every single time again.

Gambling has always been I win now but I lost in the end or I lost now and I lost more in the end.

[kin]

Dear diary

Today was my first day on the new job, my new schedule allow me to attend meetings after more than a month.

In the meeting tonight, I met a young person in early recovery who want to stop but gamble again soon after a relapse. He was suffering and question why.

It was easy for me to describe what is happening to me, I have just relapse not long ago, I will experience the same intense craving and strong urge to gamble when I go abstinent in early recovery after I have make the decision to stop gambling, it was no difference for me.
Some call it withdrawal, some call it cold turkey, some feel so unsafe that they could not do it on their own, they actually get warded in hospital or stay in rehab during this period.
What was it like if I don’t gamble, well I will feel very irritable and my mind will be restless, the gambling thought keep replaying itself like a spoilt tape recorder, it come and go away, come back again and go away, it will not go away until I gamble, not gambling causes me great stress and anxieties, I may become impulsive and panic, pressing the self destruction button.
However I knew what to expect, I no longer question why I still have strong urges and craving when I go abstinent in early days. I am actually prepared for it.
The longer I stay abstinent, the weaker the urge and craving.
Only dead man have no thoughts and feelings. As long as I am alive, I will have thoughts and feelings but that doesn’t mean I need to follow them and gamble.
I cannot comment about others or GA which suggested 90 meeting in 90 days. I am very sure from many past personal experiences that my thought and feeling will stabilize, my action would align with them after staying abstinent for more than 180 days.
In the early days, it was just crazy and does not made sense, thinking was distorted and irrational, thought, feeling and action are not in line, it was total insanity.
In the meanwhile, it was best I ignore my gambling thoughts and feelings regardless of the justification and excuses, the hope I get feels very real but it is not the truth. I don’t have to act it out, best to let the thoughts and feelings pass.

[kin]

Dear diary
After 12 years in recovery. I “Do Not Know” that there was emotional relapse, mental relapse and finally physical relapse. I thought relapse was all about physical relapse.
If there was anything that I am going to take away from this last experience was a new awareness of emotion, mental and physical relapse.
I really wish that I was like any other normal person in my office and I don’t have to go through what I did on the job. After one week on the new job, it has brought back many memories and familiar feeling. Those days I was actively gambling and drinking to cope with these emotions I had.
My choice was very obvious and straight forward, either I learn how to cope with the stress and demand on this job without escaping to drink or gamble or I need to resign from the job if it is becoming too harmful to my recovery.
After 4 days on the job, I was thinking of drinking which is something I do in the past when I have the same feeling, this emotion trigger drinking thought.
I wonder if this is what they refer to emotion relapse and mental relapse. The physical relapse didn’t happen because I turn to food, movie and sleep to distract myself.
I gamble today. I did not enjoy the gambling feeling on football.
I also remember the same gambling feeling on bacarrat recently, I didn’t like it.
Either there was more fear feeling than excitement, or I was numb more than enjoyment
I did not enjoy the gambling feeling when I win and it was worst when I lost.
It is obvious this is something I can live without.
I allow the relapse to continue because I was struggling with “denial” and acceptance that I can no longer gamble or drink.
I was in a denial mode recently. I want to gamble some more and cannot accept that I cannot do it no more.
Everything happen for a reason, I was hoping that this new job was something good to happen to me, job and income stability but I only discover that job of this nature was harmful to my recovery and no more suitable for me.
I will have to seek help from my mentor, the counsellor and God to pick up new coping skill otherwise I will have to leave this job.

[kin]

I was still in denial and not ready. I did not have acceptance and not willing to stay stop completely or 100%.

I dislike and do not buy 4d lottery. When I do that, it mean I am already in the desperation mode and that happen today.

I am now willing and ready to stay stop.
I accepted that I cannot drink or gamble and I am going total abstinent.

It was a heartache. I was still fine last September 2016 until my working hour change from night to day and my salary was not paid on time.
The physical relapse did not happen immediately, the emotional relapse happen first in September 2016 and than came the mental relapse later. I struggle for a few months before the physical relapse happen on 11 Jan 2017.

[kin]

Dear diary

These sport news is everywhere, I cannot change their presence everywhere but I can change myself.
I glance at one today, I didn’t stare at it yet it still leaves an impression on me so I quickly move on to other things.
I don’t guess and predict the results. I don’t look for the odds to study the risk and possibilities.
Having money and access cash make it trickier, it make me have a strong old familiar feeling and emotion, I feel that I can gamble today. Do you call that an emotional relapse?
I do not have repeated thoughts to gamble. It was just a one time, one second thought and it pass.
I don’t know why but this new job is making me wary and watching my emotion closely.
I have emotion issues and I am afraid of emotional relapse now and go back to old ways.
CBT – emotional relapse causes mental relapse and finally physical relapse.

[kin]

Dear diary

It took only 6 months to mess me up mentally, emotionally, and financially.
I hope it will take only 6 month of total abstinent to straighten me up.

Notes
firstly I forgotten that I had enough in Dec 2012, it was a scary transaction amount of more than 250,000 sgd. Any unanswered question I had on football punting was resolved.
secondly any further stupid acts from me today, win or lose is going to increase my anxiety level on the job tomorrow, it will just turn into more mental relapse. This is not appreciated.

[kin]

Dear diary
I may be ready and willing to stop but when I have money, I found out yesterday that I cannot control myself from gambling. I need to set up barrier to stop now.
Day one reset to 3 March 2017.

[kin]

Wilful

ADJECTIVE
1. (of a bad or harmful act) intentional; deliberate:
“wilful acts of damage”
synonyms: deliberate · intentional · intended · done on purpose ·

2. having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences:

Dear diary
Willfulness is sitting on the problem when action is needed,
– refusing to make the necessary changes.
– Willfulness is giving up my recovery,
– refusing to tolerate the moment, and
– opposite of doing what has been proven to work.
To protect my recovery,
– it is important to be able to distinguish whether my motivation is coming from :
– willingness or willfulness.
I have been willful all these time in the last few months. I was not willing during these times.
Today was beautiful and mysterious, I believe that it must be the higher power speaking because I do not know the word; wilful and it describe me 100 percent.
I hope it is not too late for me to take action now and protect my recovery, I was wilful and the damage has been done, it will take me 10 months if I take action now and very slowly repair the hole.
From this moment onward, am I go to protect my recovery
or am I going to continue to enable my alcohol or gambling dependency?
This new job is making the situation worst because it is feeding my problem by giving me these feeling and emotions that I used to apply self-medication using alcohol and gambling in the old days.

Emotion > alcohol or gamble
I become a slave to the need for alcohol and gamble
I need to break free and pray when I have these emotion. I need God.

[kin]

Dear diary
What is worst for me?
Take alcohol and gamble? or gamble?
I have not taken any alcohol for 365 days now.
I will celebrate if I can be alcohol and gamble free for 365 days next.
It just cross my mind that my last day for both drinking and gambling is the same now.
last drink 9 April 2016
last gamble 9 April 2017
It just happen…I didn’t plan it.

[Jonny123987]

Kin – it’s time to stop. You talk of quitting but continue. The ONLY win for you is stopping. It only took me 24 years to learn that. And a shit load of hard work, wasted time, and money.

I am struggling to walk currently. Losing a person you love or a body part puts things into perspective. They can never come back. Just like your and my gambling should never come back. Cut it out of your life once and for all. It’s the only logical thing to do no matter what urge your brain has. Control your actions and don’t buy or place a bet. One day at a time my friend.

[kin]

Dear diary

Grateful to be 2 days alcohol and gamble free.

[vera]

We need to stop gambling for one day only , Kin.
Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Today is all we need worry about.
Just for TODAY I will not gamble.
(Alcohol and gambling do not mix well)

[kin]

Hi Vera
I agrees with you 100%.
fyi, I have manage to stay alcohol free for 1 years and 2 days now, wouldn’t it be nice if I can do the same with gambling.

So the focus shall be alcohol and gambling free together this time. Another 363 days to go before I get a year of gamble free clean time.

Sobriety birthday for both alcohol and gambling is now the same 9 April

[kin]

Dear diary

Just a quick update; Grateful to be alcohol and gamble free for 3 days. 362 days to go.

[kin]

Dear diary

Grateful to be alcohol and gamble free for 5 days. 360 days to go!

[vera]

Gambling and alcohol don’t mix well. Kin. I remember being in a casino, often, where a group of eastern Europeans (not that nationality matters when it comes to gambling)would have a “beer night” . The beer was supplied by the owner. The more they drank, the more reckless they became. I was usually too absorbed in my own “buzz” to pay attention to others, but these guys (one in particular) would swear and mutter as he tried to push the notes into the slot in the machine that he could barely see. Judgement becomes seriously impaired with high alcohol levels. Thinking back on that makes me never want to gamble again. I would probably do likewise if I was “tanked” up with alcohol.
Thankfully gambling is my only poison, but it doesn’t affect me today, Kin. It’s only when we place that first bet that we become powerless. Remember? TODAY we are in control. TODAY gambling has no power over us.
Happy Easter!

[Author]

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