[gunner27]

Hi all
I came here to seek help with a massive problem I have that we all share. I have been gambling since I was a young boy watching my father on the fruit machine in the local pub and sneaking the odd go. Thirty years on (I’m 40) nothing has changed except the platform is different, and the sums involved and the resulting seriousness of the problem are a million times higher. I am an all or nothing person and I have certainly done my best to throw it all away. I have gambled seriously and regularly, with one or two lengthy breaks when my willpower has been strong, since I was 18. At first casinos and bookmakers regularly, mainly blackjack or greyhounds, and then the last five six years it has been almost always the internet, and always roulette. This game has had me in a dreadful hold. I love statistics and numbers and so I know as well as anyone how the odds are guaranteed to make you lose, lose, lose in the long run. But my fascination with chance and I suppose the relief that gambling has brought from difficult situations has kept me spellbound with this pointless activity. Dont get me wrong, we all have difficult situations I know but turning to gambling for relief of course brings the reverse, it doubles the problem and is the wrong option.
I still just about have my job and recently married my beautiful wife but my debts are horrendous and my medium-term future has been screwed. I had it all set up for a successful, happy life and despite trying several times to restart I must now start rebuilding everything again, it feels scary but doable. I had my last (I hope) gamble this morning (15.12.10) and I have sworn to my dead dad and on my soul that that will be it. Problem is I dont trust myself so I have come here to be in the company of kindred spirits and to rebuild my soul, frankly, because gambling has done it’s best to get into the very heart of me and has had success.
Thanks so much for reading this.
Jim
 

[gunner27]

It hurts to say this but I’ve slipped and fallen. Back to Day 1-combination of complacency and opportunity. ouch ouch ouch. every time I think im there it is waiting and bites back. I simply wanted some fun and was so unimaginative I chose the worst possible way to get it; this one really really kills me a bit. But now it’s time to take another long hard look in the mirror and f****** grow up and deal with this.

[gunner27]

ps thank you Vera for your support, sorry i didnt come through this time but it is not the end, it is never the end, right?

[Anonymous]

The best advice given to me when things were going pear shaped for me earlier this year, was exactley what youve just said, "grow up" . That advice came from a person I have the greatest respect for, I know that you have gained a great deal of self respect during your gambling free time, hopefully you will heed this advice.
Day 1 or day 1000 gunner it makes no difference, all any of us can do is get through today without gambling.
Its feels horrible and the future seems daunting I can imagine. I also imagine you know why it went wrong. Gambling is never fun for us is it. I think its twisted we can even kid ourselves it is . I dont know whats happenend to me but I just dont want to gamble and havnt felt like doing so for a long while, in the past when I’ve been a month or two into clean time I struggled with urges and the distorted thinking that gambling could be fun. I dont now. You have given great support to a lot of people including me, now is the time to accept as much back as you can. I am rooting for you mate.
Geordie.I dont gamble.

[vera]

Most CGs "slip and fall" Jim!
Not me though!
I "jump and crash, so while you were doing the former, I was doing the latter!
No judgements!
No moralising!
No preaching!
Are we even allowed to say "TUT TUT"?
My answer is a hard, sharp kick up the kyber and straight back to the recovery seat before you even get a chance to lick those wounds…………..
We are not novices any more so it’s time to shape up!
 

[Anonymous]

Hi Jim,
It’s a while since I’ve been on here.
Sorry to hear about your slip up.
But that’s all it is. One mistake on a difficult journey.
I find it helpful to continue ******** my gambling free days (actually ******** months now!!) but adding the words ‘with one slip up’. It somehow seems more motivating than starting at day 1 again.It also recognises all the hard work we have done.
So here I am starting my fifth month with only one slip up.!!!
Stay with it Jim

Life is too short to be anything but happy!!

[sunny123]

thanks for writing on my thread jim.. i wish you a very happy new year.. you are playing i a big part in recovery of many fellow cg’s like me and i wish you a healthier and happier 2012tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[gunner27]

Just thinking about the recovery journey. I’d like to think it is a journey TO somewhere it’s just I’m finding it hard to see where that somewhere is. It’s easy to see where we’re trying to get away FROM, from the powerful CG dark energy that has pushed and shoved us around as helpless as pieces of flotsam on the stormy sea. But where are we to?
That is something that has bothering me, the ultimate goal of gambling recovery seems to be ‘not’ doing something, which feels like a pretty intangible objective. So…I’m looking for inspiration. I want to know where the journey is TO and I want to embrace that idea with the same vigour and single-mindedness that I’ve had all these years when I’ve been gambling, I think it would make the whole experience more positive. If anyone has any thoughts on where the journey is TO I’d love to hear some suggestions and I’ll try and think of some too.
Cheers Jim

[Anonymous]

Hi ya Jim, well it does seem like being on the road to nowhere at *****. But the road itself is recovery, just like wondering what is the point of life, there is no ultimate goal set in stone. I suppose we just have to make the best of it while we’re here. My first thread on GT was called, recovery is a journey-not a destination, I pinched it from a poster I seen in chip shop beside GH; "Life is a journey, not a destination"
I found my outlook on life changed for the better when I googled "what is the meaning of life" after all in seeking recovery we are seeking just that. A life with a meaning. Maybe you could find inspiration there also some reading on scientific and spiritual accounts of near death experiences made me think a bit differently, its all very interesting anyways.
Cheers.
Geordie.Recovery is priceless.

[gunner27]

Appreciate it Geordie…Well now for me a journey without a destination or at least an intended destination is something else. I believe there is a destination in recovery and it is simple: having peace in your heart. Recovery can only come, as dear Amy said on her thread recently, through dealing with the negative issues you have had in your life, having the emotional strength to accept events people and feelings that have affected us, accepting all of that, taking the necessary decisions where needed, and moving on.
That is a big part of it. On top of that there is also accepting that there is a part of us, the ‘total self-destruct’ button (CG), that has the capacity, through the medium of gambling, to take us right down to the point where we have literally got nothing left, not even hope. I dont believe that this ‘total self-destruct’ button which we possess has anything to do with our issues, because just about everyone has issues and only a small percentage turn to compusive activity. I also dont believe any of us here are naturally masochistic self-haters who have to kind of financially and emotionally destroy ourselves through despair or in an attempt to alleviate bad feelings. So for me the only way it makes sense to truly find peace is to do something new with the ‘total self-destruct’ button. It is a really powerful button, but if we repaint it, reprogramme it and rename it ‘total get out there and kick **** button then I believe it can be instead used for who knows how much good stuff. In that way I can see a journey with a destination.

[Anonymous]

Hi Jim,
Lovely to read your posts. Keep strong.
JLife is too short to be anything but happy!!

[finding_laura]

Hi Jim,
I would think in some ways the destination of recovery for each of us can be different. For me the destination of recovery is learning to appreciate each day for the blessings that it does contain. Learning how to actually live in the moment, with awareness, instead of letting my mind wonder about thinking of the past which cannot be changed or the future which cannot be predicted or forecast. I love this quote.
“There are two ways to live: You can live as if nothing is a miracle; or, you can live as if everything is a miracle.”
Albert Einstein
I believe in miracles. Recovery took me there. But to each our own destination! Sharing the common one of being gamble-free has been a blessing.
Have a great day Jim.
Laurie

[Author]

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