People say there are trap doors to rock bottoms.  I thought my previous rock bottoms were bad.  I feel like ive been in a nightmare that i can’t wake up from.  I feel the seriousness of things now.  Recovery was kind of fluffy for me .  I think now i grasp the rock solidness of it all.  This is a deadly addiction, it destroys, it ravages, it will never stop.  I need help.   This is the bottom, I dread to go down any further, i know full well where it will take me and i shudder at the thought. 
Everything before this has led me to this point and I never want to get to this point again.  I have lived the progression and it is rapid.  It scares the hell out of me.  I am at a point i am terrified.  I am scared witless as to how powerful this addiction is.  What a wake up call. 
2 years of trying, of making huge mistakes, of not being able to overpower the urges that overpower me.  I am so scared now.  It is just on 4am. I can’t sleep, I am awake in the stark reality of all that has happened.  My mind is trying to accept it but it won’t.  This is hellish.  This is hell. 
I absolutely without a doubt need help.  I need all the help i can get.  I dont care now if i am on here too much.  If i attend too many meetngs, what was i thinking?  I dont care if i dont have a life apart from trying to live in recovery.  I dont care now, i just want to stop.  I hate it.  I am struggling so badly.  This addiction has completely taken over and i am scared to move, i am scared to breathe.  I am scared of what each day brings. 
I am starting again.  This is my new recovery, or more like.  This is my first day ever of recovery because truly i dont think ive had it before at all.  Just mess.  I need to clean it up.  I need to move forward, I need a giant mop, i desperately , desperately need help.  Here is the wake up call.  Loud and Clear.
Living with Hope