Hi Brandon, happy to hear that you are on day five. I did ask the help line previously to see if they could find my old thread. I had lost it once upon a time due to a change on the site. I had also thought it time to let go of the past so started a new thread instead of waiting for them to see if they could recover it. I can ask them again if they could find it. My dates will likely be a bit fuzzy but here goes… I began gambling in 2005 approximately, at the age of 35. I liked it a lot. Slot machines. No skill required. It would let me zone out for a while. Forget about my marriage problems, and my health problems. I knew that I liked it too much. I only gambled small amounts when I started. And I would get very upset with myself if I spent more than $20. But gradually I seemed to bet larger amounts. And I would find myself wanting to gamble everyday. If my budget was gone in five minutes I would keep spending because I didn’t want to have to stop. At one point I stopped gambling for almost a year due to my worsening health and a resulting surgery. Unfortunately, even though I recognized I had a problem, I eventually went back when my health improved. This was even after joining this site back in 2007. I wasn’t ready yet to stop, I hadn’t hit my rock bottom yet. Over the next two plus years I lost tens of thousands of borrowed dollars. High interest loans to pay bills and gamble. The house of cards was going to come down sooner or later. In October of 2009 I had to face the fact that I was forcing my family into bankruptcy and we would likely lose our family home. I became suicidal at the thought of telling my husband. He had no idea as I had been the financial care taker. It was a very very dark time. I could see myself heading there long before I got to that place. Often other gamblers in recovery warned me to take precautions against myself but I didn’t. It was a very difficult time. Your partner realizes that your problem could take from any children you may have. And she isn’t wrong. My children paid a price for my gambling. When I finally started to reach out for help for my problem, from a sister, from an addictions counselor, from GA, I put in place safety mechanisms. My accountant mother had access to my bank accounts and I provided receipts for every purchase. I did that for two years. Only then did I feel confident I wouldn’t ruin things. I would suggest doing finances together with your wife. Accountability helps us. When an urge hits it will help you fight it knowing you would have to explain your actions. I picked up my 5 year chip at GA, but unfortunately I had stopped doing the things that made me accountable and supported me and I began gambling half a year later. Some things still made it harder to gamble, so thankfully I was restricted somewhat. But I was sneaking around like a thief and all my hard won honesty and integrity was lost. That bothered me the most. Because how can you have a good marriage that way. I have another year now nearly under my belt and am glad to be back on the path of recovery. I have made a commitment to myself to return to spending time here as often as possible. To support my recovery. And my husband and I discuss are finances regularly so he knows where we are at. He didn’t have a head for numbers, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t tell him regularly about our finances. I don’t want any more lies. Life is more peaceful without gambling. You and I may gamble for different reasons but the resulting destruction and chaos will be the same. If you have a compulsion or addiction to gambling it will rob you of everything good in your life and leave you with an empty shell of your self. We can recover, but why go any further down that path than you have to. I wish you all the best. Laura
