Hello Geordie,
I’ll answer your email as I read it.
1. Yes it is a large sum of money to have gambled. I never broke it down by the week. Not sure why you did… Also not sure why you started with wow?
2. Based on you saying that I got off lightly I’m assuming your „wow” to be an insult. So to that I say you’re a douche bag for saying git like that. To say that my addiction and losses are getting off lightly is frankly a stupid thing to say to someone. To compare losses or anything else with someone especially that you’ve never met and over a computer is silly and I find it sophomoric.
3. You said that in 10 months I was able to get out of debt. That isn’t quite how I would put it… my history is a bit more complicated than that. But if that makes you feel good to sum up things like that for me then I hope you’re happy.
4. I wouldn’t have written anything and pressed enter unless I thought it was ok to say something to someone. I’m honest and spoke my mind. I wasn’t trying to be hurtful. Also, he didn’t seem to mind and actually mentioned in a post that it helped him. But I’ll let him speak to that tune and shouldn’t;t talk for him.
5. Is this sarcasm that you feel envious of me? I did a lot of damage as I’m sure anyone who has chosen to hurt themselves does.I don’t buy it this and feel it’s a tactic to say something and then balance it out with an unqualified compliment.
6. You said… I’m going to great lengths to justify investing money? I don’t agree. Investing and gambling are two different things. I also only mentioned this several times in a year. I don’t even understand the rational of not doing investing so lets just agree to disagree on that one. Are you saying that you should just put all excess money in a savings account?
7. Did you really read my posts? I speak about gambling as more than money all the time. Didn’t I just write that the other night to someone? I’m lost by your thought process.
8. What does „such a good living” mean that I make? Please explain?
9. You said… Money is important to me? Thats what you believe? We’ll you right, and many other things are important to me as well. You’re either a very rich man or a very broke man to even say a statement like that. A rich man wants to present that his money isn’t important while he hoards it. The poor man doesn’t want to believe money is important because then he would have to live upset all the time. Are you suggesting that money isn’t important? Most of us live or die by the dollar. We get to enjoy things a tad bit more when not stressing all the time about getting a meal. Are you a hunter? Do you know how to hunt? Is there an excess amount of game around you? Do you see where I’m going with this? Do your bullets not cost anything? Does heat not cost anything? Does a dwelling that protects you from the cold and elements not cost anything? If I want to eat then I have to earn. If I want to continue to eat then I have to have money in the bank. If I loose my job and want to eat I need to have some savings. Eating kind of seems important to me so I guess money is kind of important to me. Now is it as important as love, family, honesty, etc.? Thats for each individual person to decide… not some guy on GT like me or you.
10. You used my own words to I guess put me in my place or prove that you are right and I’m wrong or something? We’ll I agree with everything I wrote. When you can’t control yourself you need to have blocks in place. But if you read my posts as you claim you have… Then you would know that I also said that blocks are good but not the end all. I have to see lotto tickets if I want to buy a donut. I have to see other games if I want a soda at the the liquor store, etc. Similar to the way an alcoholic has to eat and enter establishments that sell alcohol. It’s about self control and personal growth… not blocks dude.
11. You talk about gambling like thats the problem. I don’t agree. A theory of mine (at least for me) is that gambling is the symptom of a deeper rooted issue in a person. It’s starts with placing a bet. But the underlying current is the rush it gives a person. In that feeling of blissful rush you forget that you have a bunch of pent up feelings. If you can feel that rush all the time then you don’t have to deal with or feel those pent up issues. Please read some of my posts so you can better understand where I am coming from.
12. I’m not on here to help anyone really. At least not yet. I will believe I can help someone after I have one year of non gamble time. Until then I simply talk and make comments. Not really telling anyone anything. Again – please read my posts and you will see that consistency throughout.
13. I moved to another city for work this weekend. I have already reached out to friends at GA here and am going to a scheduled meeting tomorrow night at 7:30pm. I think I do have my life in some control and am seeking the help and friendships I need. I don’t appreciate you trying to use my words from when I was extremely sick/diseased to try to prove some point that is actually a meaningless point as far as I’m concerned.
14. You don’t think I know what I’m up against at all? Who the heck are you to say something like that to me? This is my life and I get to manage it how I see fit. You and me are different people with different triggers, history’s, upbringings, family’s, etc.. How and why do you think you can tell me that I don’t know what I’m up against. Are you serious? Who does know what I’M up against besides me and possibly my counselor? Who has taken the time to understand the depths of me and my problems? Please enlighten me and PLEASE tell me what I’m up against that I’m not aware of? I will honestly tell you if you are correct. Please….
15. So you’re comparing me to Nick Lesson….? Are you serious man? Maybe you should compare me to Gordon Gecco next? Or Charles Manson? How does that comparison even make sense in your mind? You’re somehow comparing my want to invest extra funds in a diversified portfolio to a sociopath thief who lied, cheated, and broke countless amounts of international banking policies and trading laws. I think that’s a bit of a stretch don’t you think? Is Nick Lesson really someone I should seek advise from? It similar to comparing a kid who steals a pack of gum to Bernie Madoff.
16. I came to this site suicidal. I hardly got any responses. I actually mentioned it a number of times. So you sitting here and telling me that I’m wrong for posting my feelings and theories is all bull crap to me man. People should read and hear everyone’s stories and hear their opinions. This site didn’t fix me. I did. I did by making the steps. Finding hope and getting therapy. Learning about myself. Saying no when the going got tough. Being honest with myself. Asking the hard questions to myself. I use and used this site as a diary to write on because when no one responds thats what it is.
17. When is someone’s gambling „in the past” according to you? Who has that answer for that? You? When is it ok for someone to be a person again and not have to have their money held for them and portioned out? 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, never? Is that really the answer? You’re basically saying that’s it’s ok to not have any self control. Let others around you that actually have self control hold onto your money forever. How about the truth. A compulsive gambler is someone that is hurting in many ways and has very little self control. This issue isn’t really the money the issue is the lack of control to say enough is enough or make a decision to just stop and lick wounds.
18. Are you really saying that a person can’t say they will never do something again and actually follow through? I think what your saying is that action speaks louder than words. If so then I think my actions are speaking for me. I haven’t gambled in close to 300 days. The reason being is because I don’t want to anymore. It doesn’t add up for me anymore. Sure I have urges to feel the rush. I have urges to see up girls skirts too. That doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it and lift upon a girls skirt. It’s again called self control.
Those are my responses. But In summary, you asked me what is different now? What has changed? Why can I have access to money now and not before? You asked me if just saying I won’t gamble anymore is enough? I think I am a bit different now. I think I have more control. I’ve gotten help and paid for it from a professional counselor. I’ve been doing TM. I’ve been working out. Walking as best I can with two bad legs and a bad back. Exercising. cooking. Making sure to spend ample quality time with my pet. Traveling. I’ve been to some GA meetings. Been speaking with old sponsors. Constantly posting on this site and on other threads when I have time. I’ve been honest with everyone in my life and made amends. I’ve been honest with myself. I’ve worked extremely hard to begin to forgive myself and let it go so I can move on and enjoy just one day at a time. I take the time to talk to people and treat everyone with love and care. I try to smile, stop, and breathe when I see something beautiful like a falling leaf from as tree, a butterfly, or just the simple beauty of the sky. I work my tail off. I save every cent and don’t spend any extra cash on anything. I give eye contact and smile at people. I have hope in my life. I have love in my life (although I wish I had more). I have something to do everyday. I have someone and something that believes in me. A person can only do so much to put themselves in a position to be able to have more self control and stop hurting. I’ve put these things in place and am working hard at building a life back. feel I’m far from done. I would also add that life is about the journey… Not just the ending point. Enjoy the journey… My journey is my journey and I do get to make up the rules for my journey. DO I wish I would have zigged instead of zagging. Yes. but it’s still my journey. I can only do what I can to have the best journey possible. I don’t want to live in the past. I don’t want to live in tomorrow. I want to just enjoy being in the moment and hope for more.
You said that I make a lot of money. Please let me know what that number is? It’s interesting that you added up that $400000 over 20 years is around $380 or something. So basically I had $400000 extra or so in 20 years… I was dead broke and in debt up to my eyeballs. I was homeless for close to a decade and spend every cent I earned gambling. Those numbers don’t really add up to someone who has made a ton of money over a 20 year span. You mention that I make this or that. The reality is actually this… I work 12 hour days pretty much 6 days a week. I have had roughly a week off in the last 10 months. I have travelled out of the country and to many states to keep working. 10 months ago I had a MAJOR back surgery and suffered from nerve death/loss in my calf (this was tested 3 months ago or so). The nerve is dead (that means it doesn’t work). And I keep working… and keep chugging along. I paid off my debts and have been saving. I try my best to work out the rest of my body so I can actually walk. I’m in constant pain day in and day out but don’t take any pain meds as well. I’m guessing you want to lecture me on how I will eventually get addicted to pain meds next or are you only a gambling and and compulsive gambling expert?
I’m not trying to be a jerk. But as you can see I found you note to be a bit pushy and not spot on.
I asked you some questions and would appreciate a follow up response as well.
