[lotti]

Hi all, I can’t believe I am here after so many good years of not gambling. I’ve stopped gambling about 5 years ago, and everything was perfect. I managed to pay my debts, got a mortgage 3 years ago. Got married with my gf who supported me so much when I admitted my gambling problem and we have a gorgeous boy who is 1.5 years old. I even managed to save up 10k. It all went pear shaped last december. My company decided to sell the estate that I am managing and I panicked thinking that I would lose my job. So I started gambling small hoping that I would be able save up a little just in case I lose my job. I was gambling small on roulette and making 50-100 pound every day, I thought that I was safe as I wasn’t risking much and if I lose I would stop with a very small loss. After making a £1000 in a few weeks, I lost it all in a crazy moment in a few seconds, then I lost the original £1000 that I was playing with. Instead of stopping I tried to win the money I lost back, and i lost more. Before I knew it I’d lost 5K, and in a week another 5K. All my savings were gone. I panicked even more and clicked on my barclays bank application for a unsecured loan for £25K, thinking that i wouldn’t be accepted anyway. In a minutes my application was accepted and I had 25K in my bank account. I was just going to get my loss back and put the money back. That’s what I though.. I lost more and more and in three months time I lost all the 25K I borrowed! It’s been two day I am so exhausted of being in an emotional roller coaster. I thought I was better than this, I thought that I was a decent person, I never thought that I would risk my family, my wife my home my child… I am still in a shock I can’t recognise myself. I borrowed 10 K from my parents, blocked all the gambling accounts for life, and still have to pay back a loan of 15K .. Everytime when I think about this my chest hurts. It’s unbearable. I am 38 years old, if my wife finds out about this she would leave me, my life would collapse. I know that I don’t deserve sympathy, I should never risk my family and their happiness. I had a simple but happy life. I know that I have to be patient and find a way to pay my loan back without making any more mistakes, I have to stay positive and still enjoy my family. I just can’t believe how easy it was to destroy everything I’ve built in the past 5 years…:(

[theone12221]

Hi lotti,

Sorry to hear about your predicament. I can relate completely. I’ve also had breaks of up to a few years from gambling only to later hit a new low that I did not think was possible. The problem for people like us is the addiction is always dormant inside of us and ready to strike at any given opportunity (typically arising from financial or other stress in our lives). There’s a good reason why this is considered a lifelong battle. We never really “beat” a gambling addiction, we can only manage it by not playing/avoiding triggers and ensuring adequate blockers are in place for life (self-exclusion, blocking software etc.)

Your story is not dissimilar to mine. I recently lost 20k of life savings and took our the first unsecured personal loan of my life as I was in denial/extreme irrational rage from losing this amount. I’m generally very tight with money yet cannot stand a small loss and must chase with huge amounts. It’s funny that people who are tight with money generally take even bigger risks to chase their losses, which usually starts small but quickly escalates as I’m sure you understand. Continuing on with my story of course I lost that 20k personal loan money in a few months (even got back to even but blew it all). It was always going to happen and is the end result of this addiction. You could have won back your losses but you’d most likely still have ended up losing it all due to gambling greed.

I even shamefully had to take payday loans which I admittedly used to always look down on people who took them. I was now just another gambling degen. The escalation from small amounts to ridiculous losses really happens before we even realize what we are truly doing to ourselves.

I urge you to self-exclude and install blockers on all devices asap. I have been clean for 6 months but only because of these measures. I know you want to gamble that 10k from your parents but you MUST RESIST. You are not at rock bottom yet. That’s when you lose your partner, your job and your family. Most importantly you lose your dignity and sanity. Stop now before it’s too late. Good luck.

[female g]

You know the deal and are now at the point were the damage is done and mistakes take a toll on our day to day. Glad you put a life time ban on your access. You must do all you can at the height of this to do damage control and live life the way its meant to be lived . For a cg its clear omit gambling for good. Its the only choice that can be made otherwise its a slippery slope that will only drag us down. Get payments set up to manage and not overwhelm you ok.
you are a good person with a wonderful life that needs you to be apart of it. I think in order to get beyond this you need to come clean with your partner and don’t make her responsible for repayment that might make telling her the truth more acceptable. Try doing this with the help of a therapist perhaps. I am 5 months clean and know that this is a fragile balancing act but I have learned this time that there is never a good excuse to gamble and that keeps me going strong now. Life easily can offer us all the excuses we need to f… up so we must get over that notion then growth can take place FG

[thepod]

Lotti
Similar situation – I have lost about 15k in 2 years. Recently married and my wife doesnt know. I could probably pay it back in two years if I was disciplined. My wife knows nothing either. How are you doing now? How easy was it to stop in the first place. I blocked all gaming sites but recently started nipping down to the betting shop for a ‘sure bet’ but obviously losing. Would love to chat more so let me know if you need to chat. go the same feelings you have at the min and know exactly what you’re going through

[Jrb]

We all have to stop. Winning gambling for addicts is impossibles.

[lotti]

Hi guys

Thanks for the support. Since I wrote the post above, I never came back to check this site until now. It was to painful. I had constant panic attacks for weeks, but I am in a better place now.
I didn’t give into the urge of gambling with my parents money, although many times thought about it. I wanted to collapse, sob for days and don’t do anything, but I couldn’t . I couldn’t tell about this to my wife, I can’t bare the thought of damaging my family.
So I didn’t have the luxury of collapsing and looking for a shoulder to cry. I had to do something and thanks to that necessity I managed to stay focused although the pain I felt and still feel in my heart sometimes can be unbearable. So what I did in the past 3 weeks was, work extra whenever I can. I sold whatever items I have in my garage, sold my old triumph spitfire car and managed to collect about 6-7K. Which is amazing, and it gives me energy and hope. I still owe about £8K, but I am not panicking about that as much as I was anymore.. I am hoping that I will be able to pay all back end of this year. What a waste of valuable time, health and energy. It is so so so stupid:(
I just want to enjoy my life as it is, I don’t want to hurt my family, so I hope that I can fix this without them knowing:( They don’t deserve this.
Nobody does.

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