[I_Maverick]

I have decided to start a new journal for myself. I am not writing this for anyone’s benefit but myself, but I make it public so that if I say anything useful that will help even just one person find their own way to beat what is a terrible affliction. A real brain disorder.

It is one year since I started writing on here. One year ago my life was ending. Things are not perfect right now. I am in debt, I realise the harm and hurt I have caused many people in my life. Some people may never really trust me again, and I have no control over that.

I have no control over gambling. It’s a futile exercise that for me does something in my head I cannot explain. If I gamble frequently enough, go through enough win and lose phases, get lost in that moment, I find it hard to stop. It has happened on several occaisions in my life prior to my discovery of online poker.

Looking back it had been building up to online, and once I had tried that I was truly addicted in a way I have never been before. That was the end of 2011, but I had started playing Facebook Poker, going to a pub games once a week. And instead of looking after my wife, who has shingles, about me going out of my own, I had a mood. I am so deeply ashamed of this. I sat and thought I’ll open an online poker account.

That was the start of my journey. Over 4.4 years I continued to gamble, even when she thought I had quit. I kept telling her and then I would start again. Whenever the truth comes out is which I have run out of energy, and it is eating me inside. The knowledge of what I am doing, what will happen when she finds out. But then when I win I get no pleasure as the amount I can win is but a drop in the ocean to my personal loss. And then I lose that.

This site has saved my life. I have been able to write, let loose. People have supported me, given me advice. I felt I connected to people here, which is why I remain here. I do not know everything but right now I feel I am getting deeper into recovery. Clarity is returning, but I can’t allow myself to feel sad at what I did. I am making the right decisions now.

The first and most important decision is to not gamble, one day at a time. The urge has passed, the thought makes me a bit ill now. It’s the fear of how much damage I could do the rest of my life. Right now life has so many possibilites that when I was gambling were absent.

Life is amazing at the moment but I cannot be complacent. I cannot expect this to last, these are a few good things happening at the same time. That doesn’t mean I am cured. Far from it. Nothing is forever, whether good or bad things. There will always be bad things, but I am finding it easier to see the good things and bad things in a more serene context and life is good because I am making an effort. I’m doing what I can as honestly as I can, from making amends to my ex to working the steps and the programme.

In this blog and I going to try and tell what I hope is the final chapter in this story. 3 Parts, this being the last (pray god no surprise ending).

Finally, I would like to thank everyone who runs this site for the amazing resource it is. And to everyone struggling with this disease, recovery is possible for all of us when we realise that’s what we need. Thank you for letting me just splurge. If you’ve got this far, thank you.

[female g]

great post Mav and says a lot about the continuing journey your on. Your clearly aware of what this addiction has cost you and know that you must always be on the alert. Well on the way to over coming it and being in control one day at a time. c
Continue to remind yourself in the good and the bad times that there is no room for gambling ever.FG

[I_Maverick]

So this is the last week I will ever spend in my old flat. My ex returns next MOnday with our son (I cannot wait) and they have had an amazing time in Colombia by all accounts. Hopefully he will retain one or 2 memories of it, but what matters is he has loads more Spanish in him, and is progressing a little more towards his identity as British/Colombian with a bit of German thrown in with a quarter Jewish and 3 quarters Catholic. A crazy ass but healthy mix I believe.

As the few crazy people among you who have followed my posts for the last year you will know that between September 20 2015 and February 7th 2016 I slept in a garage I rented from the council. The garage became available just as I was getting ill from sleeping in a car for 2 months. The garage was a life saver. It did not have running water, electricity, heating but I made it cosy. I took care of business, I had my camping stoves, a water dispenser that took 9Litres of water, buckets, plastic bags and a determination lot to let my circumstances define me. I was sleeping there as that is all I could afford and it was 5 mins walk from my ex and my son, which meant that when I was not working I could spend time with him so she could work on rebuilding her life. My gambling addiction did not only affect me, it affected her in numerous ways, emotional, financial, work etc. She worked for my company so when that went under so did her job.

I was getting concerned about finding somewhere to live when she got back, but had resigned myself to moving back into the garage if I had to. No complaints, that’s life. I made this bed, and I will lie in it.

Since the start of the new year I have been looking at rooms in shared properties as a ‘Guardian” which means living in a commercial building between uses. The properties I looked at were awful. I was out shopping around the middle of Feb when I saw a building by the supermarket I go to with a board from a Guardian company I had never heard of. I rang, left a message explaining my situation.

10 days ago on Thursday, when I normally go to GA, I decided to get back with Gambling Therapy. Post an update on my forum but attend one of the groups with Charles and whoever else. That night I got a call from the company saying they had a property in Greenwich (2.5 miles from Camberwell) and did I want to have a look. If I had gone to GA I would not have been able to go. I took it straight away. It is a 20 year old building which used to house a company. I have the downstairs room and while not the biggest room (existing clients of the Guardian company got first dibs on the rooms) it does have a window which overlooks the footpath over the Thames and I can see the river. I can also see Canary Wharf and am a 15 min walk from Cutty Sark and Greenwich Park, so an awesome place to take my son.

On Friday I rented a van and moved my big stuff in – desks, bed, mattress etc. That night I met 3 of my new housemates, including my next door neighbour. They are lovely. I am blessed. We all clicked. I told them about me, my gambling, what brought me there.

What’s great is I got the place 2 weeks before my ex returns so I can move in bit by bit and not in a rush. I have done the furniture and no am making it homely this week. The only slight downside is no pets and someone there is VERY allergic to dogs, but that’s a small thing and not a problem really.

My first night there will be next Monday eve, 14th March. Exactly 1 year ago I was going mad, quitting, relapsing, having mad mad gabling binges that were getting out of hand as my head exploded with the reality of what I had done.

I cannot change the past, but i am in charge of the present and that means I get some control over the future, but I am powerless over many aspects.

1. We admitted we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable.
When I start to gamble I cannot stop. It is not fun. Something happens in my brain and I can never risk having just one bet because then there will be more bets. Eventually I WILL lose control again.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.
I was raised a Catholic and although I do not have faith in a God of any kind or any religion, I have always believed there is more to life than just us. I found this quite easy, as I have always believed someone is out there looking after me. But they cannot control me, but when I do things right they go right. They couldn’t stop me becoming a compulsive gambler as I believe it is something I had to do to achieve a spiritual growth.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power of our own understanding.
I made a promise to myself. I will not gamble, and I will slowly bit by bit work on myself and my situation. i will be on time, i will honour my promises, I will try not to be lazy and with regards my ex and my son if I say I will be there at a certain time I will. I will take care of my son, I will be there with him, love him, listen to him, get to know who he is so he trusts me and loves me going forwards. So we can be friends as we grow and mature.

And that is where I am on the steps. I have done bits and pieces of the others, but I am working them slowly.

I have big decisions coming up. When will I drink again? When will I permit myself a little toot on a spliff? These are decisions I will have to make because I do not want to live as a monk anymore. But neither am I in a rush. I will trust in my higher power to guide me.

As long as I do not gamble, my head will remain clear and given time and thought I can make the right decisions.

This site is a life saver for me. It is here I have my full collection of thoughts from darkest addiction, the process of quitting, and then what happened after I quit. It’s been quite a journey and the journey continues.

When I was gambling my life came to a half. Emotionally, spiritually, financially – the addiction to gambling out everything on hold. Slowly, the man who I used to be and the man I can be are merging, with the added knowledge of what addiction did to me. And what that knowledge has given me, when increases every day.

I love you all, and to all the people still suffering there is hope. We can recover. It takes time, we didn’t become addicted in one day as we will not recover in one day. But one day at a time, recovery is a wonderful journey.

Take care, see you soon. I will post again from my new digs in a week.

Mav

[vera]

Miracles do happen when we surrender and allow the HP to take charge! Your post is proof of that, Maverick. I often found little “signs” popping up in my life when I made a genuine effort to change. Making false promises and rearranging the externals may fool others. It may even help us to hoodwink ourselves but it won’t fool the HP. Unlike you, Maverick, I do believe in a Deity greater than myself. I always have. The problem was I wanted to exercise my will and push His Will to one side. Hence the conflict. I think that is what makes many lives unmanageable . Gambling, drinking, drug taking etc are only symptoms of a deep rooted clash of wills. Deep down , human beings, regardless of race class or creed always know when we are doing wrong. The Law of Love is written on our hearts. Of course the heart hardens and we become desensitized and brainwashed by the world’s “pleasures” and we mistake these “thrills” for happiness . These illusions come at a high price as you well know Mav and they always bring a hangover. Real joy will bring us peace of mind, serenity and an ability to enjoy every tune, without holding on to the notes. The joyful life flows, Mav. Just like recent events in your life are flowing . It’s comforting to know that a Power greater than us is taking charge . I like the analogy that we are “dancers being danced”. We were given Free Will but when we abuse that free will the consequences on every level will be dire.
It is a small miracle how you have changed in the past year Maverick. There were times when you seemed to be on the brink of destruction, yet you got the inner strength to move forward and get back on the right road. I’m really happy for you that you have a new place to live. ( I often prayed for you in the winter months living in that garage). With Spring and Summer on the way you will enjoy many good days with your son in Greenwich Park and many other places.
Life without gambling ALWAYS gets better!
One day at a time!
Keep posting!

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Vera. Your words are always wise and kind. You have been a good friend on this site and I value your comments. I often think about you and wish recovery for you. It sounds as if you are getting somewhere one day at a time.

The truth is we are addicts. And we can only get recovery when we are ready to give in and not fight the truth anymore.

I am always happy that people can believe in a God, because what I know is that whatever works for you works for you.

Have a great day, see you soon and thanks for taking the time to read my post. That means the world.

x

[lizbeth4]

I am so happy for you! You are such a positive person. I do believe that once we make the efforts to live a gamble free life that good things do come into our lives! Your thread shows us that ! Keep going! Thanks for your post on my thread. I was feeling very down that day. I appreciate all the support I receive here! I don’t think that I could get far without it. Keep on your journey!

[I_Maverick]

I was struck by a thought at a GA meeting the other day. When I first started going to GA, way before I stopped gambling and sought out recovery, I heard people talk about how gambling brought them to their knees. I understood the metaphor, but it didn’t apply to me then. I had much further to sink. The truth is I couldn’t stop until I had truly become a compulsive gambler, until I fitted the description I heard everyone describe.

Looking back a year ago I realise that not only did compsulsive gambling bring me to my knees metaphorically, it also brought be me to my knees phsyically, literally. I had tied a belt around my neck as tight as it would go, I tied the other side to the door handle and I was pulling as hard as I could. As I was losing consciousness my wife found me. According to her my eyes were bulging, my tongue hanging out. She described it as the like the scene where Princess Leia strangles Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi.

One year later and I have managed to turn my life around somewhat. I can deal with disappointments and success in the same way, neither lead me to want to gamble. I accept them for what they are, nothing is forever.

Gambling brought me to my knees, but with belief n a higher power, regular GA and honesty on this site and forum, sharing with strangers who understand my pain, has helped me hugely.

As i continue in recovery, i will stay here as so many leave when they find recovery. I need to read the stories of the newcomes, offer advice where I feel I can, rejoice in their successes and offer a hand where they fall. I am one bet from oblivion, and if I ever forget that i will suffer for it.

My love to everyone on this site, may you find the strength to find recovery, and I pray no one leave sit too late. It doesn’t matter how old your are who how much you gambled and how you gambled – recovery is there for all and the first step is to stop and then find a programme.

Peace.

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