[Dove2102]

One week tomorrow my partner will be attending the gma programme. We’re both nervous for different reasons but this is the only way forward for him and us.

He initially turned it down after being accepted but now knows it’s right for him. However, plea bargaining and guilt tripping has started which is making me feel guilty. He becomes Irritable at the slightest thing which I’m assuming is down to his nerves but makes me worry about saying the wrong thing.

No point to this post other than to get it off my chest.

[velvet]

Hi Dove
First of all a massive apology that you have not had other replies earlier, I hope you are still reading.
The plea bargaining and guilt tripping are common – your partner is afraid of the unknown which is very understandable.
I can think of many reasons why you wrote your post and I hope you will keep posting as your partner goes in to GMA. It would be great to ‘meet’ you in real time next Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hour UK times. Enter the group by clicking on the Helpline at the top and then scroll down to the F&F group – you would be very welcome.
When he goes on the GMA programme, the best thing you can do is to look after yourself. It might not sound much but your partner will be learning a lot about himself and when he comes home he will feel quite different from the way he feels now. If, in the meantime, you see friends, enjoy hobbies and interests, have a massage, change your hair style, in fact anything that gives ‘you’pleasure, (activities which have probably been left by the wayside while you lived with an active addiction), you will also progress and be better prepared for him entering a gamble-free life.
When a CG takes a leap of faith towards recovery they often feel a void – how to live without the addiction they believed sustained them? On the programme they learn to cope but if nothing has changed in those around them while they are away then it is easier to slip back. If you are feeling positive and in control of your life by putting yourself first, gaining an understanding of his addiction and how he will feel in the early months when he has completed the programme, then you can be the support that will make the difference.
I hope that you are still reading. I am coping with a bereavement at the moment which is preventing me being as on the ball as I would like to be but I will look for you and I am thinking about you.
Monday will be a tough day for you but I understand – I took my CG to Gordon House 10 years ago and it was the finest extra mile I will probably ever walk.
Velvet

[lily]

Hi Dove, I have been through this same process with my CG 7 years ago. He too at the last minute questioned if it was necessary. It was really hard. I missed him, I worried about him, all my time was tied up with wondering if it is working/will work. I know now this was not what I should of been doing and for my CG he was just biding time until he could come back home for the first part of it. Later when I distanced myself he was more able to engage with treatment although the process after leaving has been a long one.

As velvet said the best thing you can do is take care of you. The help they receive during treatment is second to none, they receive great support, once in treatment it is up to them. It is up to you to take care of you and your life.

For my CG and I the road has been a rocky one but I know the one thing my CG always says to me is how much I have changed and how much stronger I am and this really seems to help him as he knows I will be ok no matter what happens, it is one less thing to worry about for him and means I can keep my day to day life together without fearing what might happen.

During treatment a CG will learn to live one day at a time, I found that applying the same to myself has helped enormously. I make sure I allow myself to enjoy the good moments, make time for the things I enjoy, watch my son grow, go on little breaks and spend time with my family. When I spend time with my CG I enjoy that too, he is in no doubt about my zero tolerance on gambling but we don’t make our life about his recovery, our relationship is about us and make the most of the time we have together. I let him take the lead on talking about past issues or present temptations and don’t bring it up. I can do this because my life is now fully protected if his recovery should slip in the future (money, house ect).

It is very hard to change for anyone and we may kick against it but it is necessary if we want to see change in our lives for the better we have to work on the inside first. I would strongly recommend finding a good counselor so that you have someone to talk to during the process and help with your recovery from all the trials and tribulations that have gone before.

I really hope he does go in for the treatment, it is his best hope at recovery and for a better life. Keep us posted, Lily x

[kingster]

Hi Dove. I want to commend you for posting on this forum. I went to the program in 2014 had to leave my wife and 2 year old not knowing if i would ever repair the damage and be a family again. But thankfully the programme saved my life. Your husband will be in safe hands and will be the best thing he dose. You need a lot of support as thats what my wife found. I was gwtting treatment but she was left to pick the peices up and little contact noing what was going on with me especially the first 2 weeks. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. I feel it was successful for me and i would love to support and help people through this tough time. Kind regards

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