[justletmerip]

I apologize for the foul language in advance. I just feel so sick, disgusted, and ashamed I just want to sleep forever and never wake up. Why would a person feel like this? Maybe relapsing for like the 50th time like the dipshit ****tard that I am. I don’t know what to do right now I just need to write this **** before I really just might end it all. I just slept for like 36 hours straight and right before I fell asleep, all I thought about was all the bad luck and wrong decisions I made. During my sleep, same thing. After I wake up, what a surprise, same goddamn thoughts. I am still thinking about the ******* casino as I am typing this. I’ve had some severe gambling problems in the past, but I’ve been able to quit and been able to somewhat get my life back on track. I have never gone to GA or received any professional help for my problem. One day I just went cold turkey and managed to do it really well. That was about 6 years ago and now, for the past year I’ve been doing some small $50-100 betting on sports online per month without ever raging and trying to chase if I lose. I really did gamble recreationally for the first time. Didn’t last long though. I did my usual $50 per month deposit last weekend but for some sick reason, I decided to plop it on blackjack instead of betting on a game which I originally intended. Started out with $10 bets and in about 50 mins or so I was at $600. I’ve never done drugs (except weed) but I will say the high you get at that moment is like a heroin or crack fiend getting their fix after being sober for so long. I immediately cashed out $500 knowing how lucky I got and how long it would take me to win that much betting sports. Well, that night I couldn’t go to sleep (of course), so I decide to log on and play a little. Lose the $100 almost immediately, I cancel my withdrawal request, and just go at it starting at two $25 hands at blackjack. I played for probably about 6-7 hours and my lowest point was at $75 but ended the session at $2800. Feeling like God and a baller, I cashed out all $2800 and booked a couple nights at Mandalay Bay (I live in SoCal so Vegas is near). It’s scary how you can go right back to the degenerate you swore you would never become again without any notice. As I have said, didn’t take long. I lost the $2800 on the first night and proceeded to lose another $3k in my checking account (overdraft) and another $1600 from my credit card, something I promised myself I would never ever do again. Now I will probably have to borrow or come clean or some shit and I just don’t want to deal with it anymore, especially after letting others down over and over. This is about as rock bottom as it gets – alone, broke, hopeless, and suicidal. I must have told myself at least a thousand times while playing “Dude, stop. Why are you doing this? Don’t you remember last time?” but my actions didn’t give a flying ****. It was either get even or go broke. This is the one addiction that ****s me up so much and yet I keep letting this happen. How the **** am I supposed to go to work after this? I’m about done with my pathetic low life ass that can’t even control himself. To anyone who’s thinking about gambling again, do it only if you want to feel like I am right now.

[velvet]

Hi Justletmeripon
I have never met a CG who has managed to sustain a long term control of their addiction without support and support is what you will get here.
Abstinence is not recovery. In accepting your addiction and seeking support you have taken a giant leap towards a better future starting with today, the only day you need to worry about.
Having written your first post, you have an excellent point of reference to return to as the days progress but don’t dwell in the past because it doesn’t change a thing. Just for today remind yourself that gambling will bring you back to misery so just for today do not lay a bet.
The reason that you have been doing what you have been doing is because your addiction wants you for itself – it doesn’t want to share you with peace of mind. You can control it because if you couldn’t I would not be writing to you – agreed it is tough and takes courage and determination but the effort is worth the fight. Dig deep because the courage and determination is within you even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
Keep posting – you are being heard, you will always be heard and you are not alone. You have told yourself a thousand times “Dude, stop. Why are you doing this? – well this time Dude you have made a start by doing things differently, you have shared and been understood. I will look forward to your posts and hearing you feeling less like you are now and more like the man you want to be. You can do it.
Velvet

[justletmerip]

Thank you both very much for taking the time to read and reply.

While it’s been a very difficult and depressing couple days for me, I’ve been able to slowly forgive myself while telling the addiction voice to **** off if it starts tempting me again.

Velvet, your post was very touching and gave me a different insight about this addiction. It’s really heartwarming to know there are others out there that care and want to better themselves through this struggle together. Again, thank you so much for the words of encouragement.

[JayKay82]

Hi Justletmeripon,

Much like you i tried to stay away a good few times. Self excluding myself from websites, leaving my cards at home, so on and so forth. You are going through all the same emotions as me 6 months ago, i hated myself for how much i had set myself back in life, after-all stuff like this doesn’t happen to me .. right ? Anyway, i dont use any other support network ohter than this website and im 6 months without a bet, have a little bit of savings and next month will be debt free. There is a resolution at the end of all this, venting is good, writing down your thoughts does help. Hopefully things will get much better very quickly for you as thy have for me.

[velvet]

Hi justletmerip
I popped back over from the F&F forum, as I said I would hoping for a good update from you – any update in fact. I hope you are doing ok but whatever is happening you will he heard here and understood
Speak again soon
Velvet.

[charles]

Hi Justletmerip, well doen on looking for help.

Well done on telling your addiction to **** off!! Now, what can you do to really annoy it? Get a blocker to stop the online gambling? Limiting your access to funds with which to gamble? If you are near Vegas then yes you have a lot of gambling establishments close to you. You also have a lot of support available. For instance over 140 GA meetings the last time I heard, get to some of them, that will really be something your addiction won’t want you to do.

Keep posting, keep reading the other stories here.

[justletmerip]

Hey velvet and charles, really appreciate you checking up on me and for the thoughtful words.

Not surprisingly, I blew a good chunk of my pay yesterday when the addiction told me to stay away from pit games but try my luck in poker because “I can be patient, play good, better odds, etc”

Once I relapse, it’s like literally impossible to just stop and think about other things no matter what I do. Unless I quit for a good 6 months or longer, the “withdrawal” symptoms are still lingering just waiting to strike at any moment…

Day 1, AGAIN. Feeling really pointless and frustrated right now. Sometimes I wonder, do I even want help? What is the point of self excluding yourself from one establishment if you’re just going to find another?

But, there’s no excuses. I did what I did and it is in the past. Be better today than yesterday. I hope you guys commit to staying gamble-free.

[匿名]

Hi Justletmerip.

Sorry you gambled.

There’s no excuses like you say, and also true, that it’s in the past. However, as much as it serves no purpose to dwell on what has happened, it shouldn’t just be, “brushed under the carpet, “and forgotten about either.

Use this as an expensive lesson, and if you do learn from it by seeing how you could have prevented it, and then putting in place some significant barriers to stop the same thing happening again next payday, and every other payday, (in fact every single day), well then it’s going to be a case of “money well spent”.

If you choose to ignore what has happened and change nothing about your routine, well to be honest, it would be no surprise to see you posting similar after next payday. So it will be a case of just more money down the drain, you May ask “why me” or “why did I do it again? When will I stop?”

You done it because you are a CG, that is no excuse, but I hope you agree, it’s a fact. Being a CG does not excuse the gambling, because being aware of this fact you know that you are powerless against it.

You done it again because after last time you did not put all possible barriers in place. You will stop when you have all possible barriers in place. In order to gamble you need money, why don’t get you get your pay check paid into someone else’s bank account?

The best time to take these steps is now. You say self exclusion dosn’t work because you can always go to another venue. Man that’s a lame excuse. I agree it’s true, but instead of looking for reasons against it, look at the reasons for it. Why not use this time to travel further afield and exclude from as many venues as possible.

You may well rip, justletme, but you say you have relapsed. What is it you have relapsed from? You have had six days off gambling, but you had no money. Then payday comes and “Woosh” you’re off. Isn’t that the same as last time, and the time before. It’s a vicious circle. It needs to be stopped from going round and round. The mistake you have made this payday, is a mistake I’ve made hundreds if not thousands of times. I couldn’t get it. Why ffs was I still doing this crap? For gods sake it’s ridiculous but I’d still do it. I don’t now, you do, please don’t be offended but it’s still as ridiculous when you do it. But can you understand when I ask what have you relapsed from. Sorry to be so blunt but you’ve just gambled again, that’s all; nothing new nothing different. You will have to implement changes in order to enter recovery. Once you’re in recovery, which may be after weeks of abstinence, and then something similar occurred, well I could understand you saying you had relapsed. I still mightn’t agree mind you.

I would say I entered recovery at least 7 years ago if not further back. But once I had relapsed it was years before I got back into recovery, although at times I amassed lots of long periods of abstinence, several months sometimes. But I kept gambling again. I hadn’t changed anything, things don’t change themselves, change requires effort. I hadn’t put sufficient barriers in, I could always get hold of money. I kept putting this radical, and what should be the most fundamental of barriers, on a back burner. I felt embarrassed asking, ashamed guilty, stupid, immature.

After I had been gambling again last December I knew I had to make the big change I should have made years and years ago. This particular gambling binge cost me two months wages in a day and half I think.

Nevertheless the same day I gambled I arranged to have someone else keep my money. Now I only have a very small weekly allowance paid into my own account I have three direct debits every month. The money for those is paid in on the day they’re requested.

I have learnt a very expensive lesson. In fact I will not earn enough in my working life to pay back what I truly owe for my 35 years of gambling. However I’ve learnt that I should have listened to those people telling me this advice repeatedly for years and years.

I hope you take on board what I say and make those changes now.

Sorry I’ve gone on a bit I was feeling philosophical sitting by the sea.

Take care.

Geordie.

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