Thats how long the record shows ,since any contact here from anyone.
Not one person has bothered to send me a post to see how iam even doing.
Not even hey thought of you today.
Went to a GA meeting last week ,had to laugh really ,i was ask my name i was forgotten about,the one lady who took my number months before who said Oh you can count on me i will call you,well she was one of the ones who forgot my name.When i was asked what my name was it hurt it did i wont lie,I wanted to say does it matter no one will remember it anyway.
The she said later oh i have the new phone list ,i got excited a bit oh finally after like 3 years, i was going to get one ,but then she remembered she had to still make copies ugh.
And yah she never offered to call me or reask for my number for the new phone list so i take it im not it.
Was a good meeting despite my hurt ,you see my banning was ending on sunday and i needed to hear something to remind me of what and who iam ,and who i will turn into when i gamble.
Left the meeting ,with no outside support ,i just so badly needed to even at least have 10 min of someones time face to face to talk to.But it just doesnt happen for me.
So you guessed it the only person that will talk to me is my own head .Not a very good conversation in there i can tell yah.
I have been to the casino on Sunday,spent almost 18 hours out of the 24 hours ,i lasted 24 hours ,spent the last 2 hours or so,watching and listening to all the people around me.
I rebanned again ,left just knowing i just cant do this mentally again tomorrow,i had fun i did for about the first 12 hours or so,but i knew when it was time to go,i couldnt leave,not in me,not possible,an i needed help to go home so i needed help to get me out of there ,and banning was my only option again.
Came home so high wasnt funny,comming down was horrible,and when i awoke in the am ,it took me about 4 seconds to just know i didnt want to carry on ,the depression hit me hard .
Today i had to work and i did yesterday too but i called in sick to gamble ,rushed home told work a lie and raced back to the casino,thats pretty much when i knew i was no longer in control again.
Tonight im still feeling the depression im so sad im afraid i will never find happiness again.
Gambling has destroyed everything around me and in me.
Im so alone i cant talk to anyone ,but i can tell you the search for me might have to come from within.
But within is broken and lost.
I actullay believed she was going to call me waited for weeks ,sucker me huh.
Just one person to believe in me .
Feeling like i just dont belong anywhere ,recovery has not been a healthy envoirment for me emotionally,just cant seem to get past the hi how are you stages with anyone.
Unlikeable for life.
Night time for bed now,i dread the am .
Glad im not allowed in the casino ,it was the right descision.
I know that .
Sorry to vent like this but ,im really all plugged up with a million thoughts right now.
night thanks for listening.
