[markf]

On this day, eactly a year ago I remember having one of lowest moments. I was only 7 weeks away from being caught and from everyone finding out that I was a horrible, lying, thieving and selfish gambler. I had spent every last penny I had, pawned loads of my posessions, used all the payday loan companies I could find and was left with nothing. It was my daughters first birthday 2 weeks later and I couldn’t afford to pay for the cake or even to buy here presents and that was the day I had agreed wit my wife, we were gonne go and buy everything.
I had never felt so ****. It ws easy ot get of as i jsut said I was not feeling well and we would go later in the week, but nevertheless I remeber that whole day thinking about how i ever let it get sooooooo bad. Its one thing ruining my own life but to drag down my whole family and not even be able to stop for the sake of my gorgeous daughter – I was totally hopeless, a lost cause!
Now a year later, I have been gambling free for about 11 months, finished at Gordon House and moved out the half way house into my own flat last week. I am slowly getting back my confidence and feel my recovery is going well. My new flat is only about 20 metres from GH but it keeps me safe knowing GH is so close. I have found a great job and been there for nearly 3 months now. I am managing to save a little bit of money every month. I have made some really good friends in Dudley, I dont need to lie any more and the thought of gambling physically makes me feel sick.
But with those positives I still find myself down a lot of the time. I still struggle with my past, with what i put my wife through, my family and everyone that knew me. I worrry if I will evere be able to get on speaking terms again with my wife and if I will ever get my daughter back again. I still worry that I will **** it all up again one day in the future, perhaps not for 20 years but one day. I find myself quite lonely. I wonder if i will ever meet anyone else again to share my life with as when I tell them my story they will all run away immediately.
Would it be lovely to be able to push a button and forget the past! But I guess remembering the past will keep me safe in the future. I cant change what has happened but I can make my own future.

[Autore]

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