[3raser]

Yesterday i came across this site, i spent most of the night reading and identify with lots of people on here.
I decided to start my own thread, maybe for accountability, maybe to reach out to people that know this walk as nobody in my life would understand why i do what i do. The crazy thing is, i wasn’t going to speak on here till after xmas as i was looking forward to playing the slots online at xmas but i realised that that was like saying I’ll start my diet on Monday or buying 40 cigarettes and saying I’ll give up smoking when I’ve had these, it sometimes works but very rarely, the most effective way is make changes right at the moment in time.
So the bottom line is that with every living cell in my body i want to stop gambling completely, of course i have said that 100s of times before but that’s only when I’ve been in the moment of anger and frustration due to losses but it passes and i want to gamble again to get my money back. The worst thing is the winning and knowing what i can win, i used to back horses amd play slots but i very rarely do that now, it’s goals in a football match i like and i can go for a few weeks winning keeping the stakes low and the odds low and slowly building that money up, last month i lived off my winnings all month and still had plenty left over everything was looking great just before xmas BUT like always you have to pay for some bill and you want to top your winnings up, then as always there comes that losing bet but it was only a loss by one goal so next time you’ll get it back so you double your stakes and that loses, now you triple your stakes and increase the amounts of goals in a game increasing the odds but decreasing your chance of winning and like always the money goes back to the bookies and the bank card comes out, I’ve done it so many times before, i just need to hang in there but the money ran out, a missed penalty blew my chances for getting all my money back, that feeling in the pit of your stomach asking why you had to try and win more money, why you blow £800 chasing a £30 loss but you know that it’s always going to be that way. It’s 2 weeks till xmas, I’d finally got out of my overdraft, had some money for xmas and work was going well. A few days later and the lot has gone, i got a phone on contract and sold that, i even took a pay day loan out. For what? To feel like this again? I’ve had enough and yes i was going to put some money on my account for xmas as that feeling when you are either on the way to the bookies or know you are about to gamble overpowers every other rational thought or emotion. I want to break that cycle which is why i am here now and not waiting for that last blow out, i have installed gambloc on my laptop. I have stuff on ebay to try and put some money back into my account and i have cancelled attending the works xmas do tomorrow as it’s mostly lads that love to gamle on Saturday football and if someone wins the temptation will be too great so I’m going to take my dog onto the moors instead as her walks have been pretty lame recently as i want to be at my laptop gambling, i hate the person i am right now but i know that will change, when i gamble, i dont eat properly, i sometimes forget to shower and over the years i have created an isolated existence for myself, i have lost relationships as gambling as came first and if i was losing i was moody and irritable and not fun to be around which is opposite to the person i met, i found some bank documents from 10 years ago and it was pages and pages of deposits to a gambling site. I want my life back, maybe my friends will come back but for now i have to make friends with myself. Soooooo tomorrow i am going to start my day 1 which feels scarier than i thought it would as i don’t like failing but i promised to myself and anyone who joins me that i will be completely honest. It’s the only way that changes can be made and i will accept failures if and when they happen. For now i am going to start with 24hrs. I have some money going into my account from ebay in the morning so that’s my first hurdle 🙂

[3raser]

I wanted to write this at the end of the day with words of completing my day 1 but the truth is i woke up knowing there’s going to be some money hitting my account very shortly and today is a great day for football. All i focus on is that feeling of placing a bet and then collecting my winnings and starting to recoup some of the losses that I’ve made over the last week. There’s been no thought of how i actually NEED that money to pay bills and tide me over until payday that if i don’t win the feelings of despair self loathe that will wash over me will consume me for hours possibly days. I have lost thousands over the years, i have a debt management plan, my credit score is ruined, i live in a flat, my wages are pretty good due to my cost of living (without gambling debts) being low yet my overdraft is maxed out and I’m selling stuff to try and pay the bills and yet i still think i can win? I’d win if i didn’t gamble as every penny i earnt would be mine. Today is going to be tough but i want to change

[velvet]

Hello 3raser and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[3raser]

the title says it all, i lasted 20 mins after money was deposited in my account, i felt like the world was at at peace when i was on my way to place a bet, 2hrs later i feel like i can create a war within the world, i feel like no one understands me so why should i accept anyone within my walls, this is how i isolate so many people i care about……8hrs later and i think i am ready to draw a line of acceptance under my losses. i have gambled my car insurance today but its ok, i want to gamble and i want to win but i want to change even more….tomorrow is day 1….take 2

[3raser]

i think this is bigger than me or any tactics i may try, the urges keep winning, i only gambled a small amount of money today but i still gambled. i dont know if i will ever beat this or regain any quality of life again. my life sucks and whats worse is there is so many people whos lives suck through no fault of their own. this is all my own doing, i feel so selfish. i will try again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that

[Jonny123987]

It’s mentally tough for sure to let go of years and years of losses. To be in debt and not ***** all the money, friendships, relationships, time, and opportunities lost. Thinking about those things are all triggers for me for sure. As well as the original problem that generally drives us to gambling in the first place. Only we can answer that final question.

[reenergized]

Great to hear your story i also just added mine so thought i should read another also

You seem intelligent and are almost winning. However you’re addicted and almost winning isn’t enough. The bookies have a massive department of statistics, mega-computers and boffins that will always have the edge. I once worked in a bookies head office ive seen it, its not a rumour!

You’re interested in and excited by the skill and choices of choosing complex bets, you’re probably better than most at it. But the common-sense part of your brain is screaming ‘wtf you’ve lost the plot!..it wasn’t meant to be like this’ and it sounds like you’re coming around to see sense.

Everything else will slot more into place when you admit that betting is in your case only ever going to loose you money in the long run. Forget that battle – admit defeat.

The time we put into problem gambling is so mis-managed. Time will be more productive when we focus on other more genuine past-time and ways of making money?

wish you all the best

[3raser]

thank you for commenting, to be honest I had just placed a bet and then had an email saying I had a comment and felt instantly disappointed that I wasn’t going to complete another „1st day”. there’s a point where we have to accept our losses and no that we may accumulate more money at times but we will always lose more eventually, it’s what compulsive gamblers do, its all or nothing. we have to strive for a better life one day at a time

[3raser]

thank you for this comment, I needed to hear this, i have lost so much of my life to this addiction and you are right, we are not aware how much, but they aren’t happy hours, days, weeks, months. i checked out your story too, please keep posting in your journal, i will follow your journey

[3raser]

the title says it all, today was a little different though, i argued and reasoned with myself, i walked up to the cashpoint and walked away, i had more conversations with myself and yes i did give in but i only put a small amount on and i have won enough to put petrol in my car until next pay day, i am not bragging about winning, far from it, i will collect my winnings tomorrow and i wont place another bet, this is something i never do, firstly i never collect on a small amount (but this money has become „real” money and i need it) i always re-bet until i have a decent amount and secondly i never collect without putting on another bet, i have £40.50p to pick up and that’s what i will leave with. i felt ok today, i put a bet on and as soon as i thought i wasn’t going to win my mood took a severe dive, i could feel the waves of anguish and frustration engulfing me, when the game turned around, my emotions lifted and i could go on with my day, i feel like a robot, i have no control over what to feel and when as it all depends on results not on how my life is. also i have noticed that when i gamble i instantly eat rubbish, as if i am not worthy of treating my body with the goodness that i usually pay attention to, when i am in the thick of my gambling, i will eat high carbs, quick sugar fixes, drink coffee and if i am losing i will have a few beers to numb it. this may sound weird but to me there is a clear connection to how i treat myself based on how my results are on games. tomorrow is my day 1 again, tomorrow i will succeed, having somebody come here and leave comments instantly made me feel something, i wished i hadn’t placed that bet as i wanted to feed something positive back, but i said i would always be honest, the power of connecting with other gamblers is in my opinion the key to success, we have to make peace with what we have lost, let it go and start a new chapter in our lives. thank you for being here

[vera]

You are not alone 3raser.
We are all in the one boat. Some at different stages than others.
Just to give you some hope, I want you to know I haven’t place a bet once this week/this month or this year.
I took me a long , long time to get to this stage, but if I had followed the advice I was given initially, it would have saved me a lot of misery.
You know what gambling takes from us, but only until we stop giving.
Never lose hope.
You are not alone.

[3raser]

thank you so much for this post, I am working the night shift so I have had some time to read over some of your posts where you have shared your journey, it’s difficult to be aware of what you are doing, sometimes why, you can fight every hurdle and be so resourceful to find that little extra bit of money for gambling yet its so hard to walk away. I have realised that although the losing brings me to my knees, it makes me push away every single person that may want to spend time with me as this is interfering with my gambling time it’s actually the winning that is the worst part of gambling, the winning makes us stay and when we are losing, we keep throwing more and more money, we have won before so we believe it is only a matter of time until those endorphins are pumped through are veins. A year is amazing and people like you give people like me hope that we just need to keep trying until we get it right, does it get easier with time or do you always feel that battle within yourself? just hearing about you focusing on shopping and baking for the family and enjoying your life is so wonderful

[Jonny123987]

I’ve won a lot of money. My problem is that I’ve lost a lot more back. I’ve also lost my life in turn. I hate myself daily. Questions my confidence. Compare myself to others and usually realize I think that they’re better than me for some reason. I see a nice car drive by and say to myself…. „I hate myself for not having that car. Why did I make so many mistakes!” But does that really help me? I don’t think so. I know I just need to focus on one day at a time. From the time I get up in the morning to the time I go to bed. I will not gamble for this one freaking day. Now I’m trying to think of three to five things I’m blessed and grateful for in the morning and I’m starting to feel a little better. I’m also stretching a little everyday getting ready for this back surgery I have coming. I’m going to beat gambling, this bad back, debt, and all the crap that I’ve let build up that has brought me to this point. Game on!

[3raser]

you thought i was going to say fail right? 🙂 no, i have day 1 under my belt, i don’t feel as good about it as what i thought i would but i think that’s just the realistic person in me knowing that this is a very small step and the worst is yet to come. to be fair, if no-one had offered me their kind words i’m not sure if i would have succeeded or not with this first day. so i picked my money up, of course i thought about placing another bet but i didnt, i put petrol in the car, bought some food, paid the last of my monthly bills with a little bit left over until pay day next week. do i want to regamble the extra bit of money i have left over, yes i do, 10 days ago i was ending the year with money in my pocket, 4 days ago i blew all my winnings plus another grand on top of that, i didnt know how i was going to eat or get to work, i was waking up with an overwhelming sadness and misery, today i have added to my debt but i am ok until pay day with a little bit left over, today i will be thankful for what i have. i even put up the xmas tree which i wasnt going to do and i also started a little saving pot, whenever i get a little extra, i will put it in there rather than gamble it. lets see what tomorrow brings.

[Jonny123987]

Right on. Let’s start 2017 the right way. No more gambling. Gambling is crap.

[vera]

Shifting the emphasis from losing to gaining is a good move i e the „savings pot”. Just make sure it’s under lock and key!
I started to restore my loss about 18 months ago…it’s reached a healthy four figure sum now. I still have huge debt but it’s reducing , not increasing.
Stay focused!

[3raser]

Jonny…absolutely!! lets get this done! we are in control of our future, it may not always be easy but we have the choice not to give in.
Vera, it’s so good to hear how you have turned it around and that finances do improve, i am still inspired from reading your thread and hearing how the little things mean so much, how you make time for things that gambling took away…that struck home.

so my day 2…i was faced with my first challenge, i got my wage slip for next week and its about £100 short, my first reaction which i always do in these situations is to gamble and make up the difference but with having day 1 under my belt stopped and thought about it. my choices are:- 1.gamble and there’s a 50/50 chance of making my wage up
2. gamble, lose money that i really cant afford to lose and get further in debt.
3. accept that the reason i am in this predicament is because i gambled, face reality and deal with these kind of problems exactly how non gamblers would and ride out the storm without making it worse.

i went with option 3 and the reality is that yes, i have to budget a little more over xmas now but i will manage just fine and the extra money will be paid next wage. if i gambled theres a chance that i will end up completely broke with no more options to make money as i have sold most things that i am ok to part with.
i put up my xmas tree , 5 days ago i cancelled xmas but today i am going to be thankful for what i have.
its crazy how gambling not only consumes most of your day but also mentally, its a constant drain on my thoughts but i am ok with that as long as i am making strong decisions

[3raser]

not too a bad a day today, no trigger situations, i have deleted my football app, although i like checking scores, i know if i see a game with goals potential, the devil on my shoulder would be jumping up and down begging me and dragging me to the bookies. i also put a „days since” calculator on the phone as i expect to be clocking up some days on this thing.
i wondered today where i would be if i had never gambled, would i have a house? would i have a nice bank account where i didnt have to sit and work out my finances weekly? i think so but i know i cant get to this places by trying to recover losses with more losses, i am never going to cover 25 years of losses EVER i’ll only add to them. this journey has to continue. i think if i fail i will lose hope of ever being free. 3 days is a good start considering it took me 4 days to complete day 1

[goodman]

I am a young African man currently studying for a Masters degree in Development Economics in Germany. I moved to Germany from my country in October 2015 to resume studies. Life in Germany was very much different from the life that I am used to back in my country. Not only is Germany better developed with functional infrastructures than my country, people around here also seem to be very wary of strangers, and take forever to allow people into their social circle. People kept to themselves even in class. That I am black also makes it more difficult (I have been denied access to clubs on various occasions for no reason). Some months into my stay here I met some guy from Cameroon when I moved to a new accommodation, he was very friendly and we became close with time. I later realized that he was a strong sports gambler. I knew very much about sports gambling because I used to gamble back in my undergraduate days when I was living in my country. I had lost a lot of money in bits over a period of time before I decided to call it quits. I had abstained from gambling for 6months before meeting this guy. I accompany him on different occasions to place bets at TIPICO (a popular bet shop here) because I am often lonely and in want of companionship I often spent time with him and we were often talking about sports betting. He would ask for my advice on which matches to play and I would pick for him, with time I could no longer withstand the urge not to gamble and then I joined him. I have not stopped losing money. I have lost about 5000euros in the last 8months and I owe 1000euros. My account is in red and my academics has suffered a lot, infact I have to drop some classes to work else I wont be able to pay my bills for the next month, plus the debt that I owe. I have tried on several occasion to stop but I only lasted a month after which I went back and lost plenty more. The fact that I am a foreigner in Germany does not help matters as I have no social network, friends or family to fall back to. I was able to quit temporary back in my country then, because my ex-girlfriend made sure that we spent my free times together so that she knows that i am not gambling. I dont have that luxury here, I am not bad looking but quiet shy, I dont know how to stay away from bet-shops once I come across money. I need help please any advice you have for me is welcome.

[3raser]

Hi Goodman. I really wish had all the answers to help you beat this but I’m struggling to find answers to. What i do know is that whilst ever you are spending time in betting shops the temptation will always be nearly impossible to resist you have to take yourself out of that situation before that 5000 doubles and doubles again. Can you be honest with your friend and tell him that you have a problem with gambling and want to stop? Maybe you could do something else together if not maybe he can go to the betting shop and meet you later to spend time together. You never know, he may also have a gambling problem but it will only get worse for you if you carry on. I have wasted 21 years on gambling and i have only just admitted to myself that i can’t control it. If i gamble, it consumes me and owns my life. You don’t make friends through gambling, you lose them. Stay away from the bookmakers and take your friend to a social event where you can meet new people together. Let me know how you get on

[goodman]

Is so difficult standing up from my bed today because I lost 400euros yesterday chasing my losses, this prompted my joining this group in search of help. I dont know what to do or not to do, I feel so devastated as I fear that I would go back to gambling once I get some money. It makes me so sad.

[3raser]

goodman, there is so many success journeys on here that feel exactly as we do, it shows you that with hard work and consistency we can leave these gambling days behind. accept your losses (which i know is easier said than done)make today a new day

[3raser]

today gambling didnt fully consume my whole thoughts as i am full of cold and having to prepare for a shift at work tonight. i have hit day 4 WOW but i’m under no illusion, the biggest challenges are yet to come. tonight the lads will be picking their teams for tomorrow, there will be so many teams with potential goals in them and money for me. i love love love Saturday gambling but i want to love myself and my life in the same way so i have to keep going.
last night i told a few of the lads that i needed to stop and that i had joined an online group. i thought they would ridicule me (in jokey kind of way) but they were supportive, even recognised that i was chaser, i told them how much money i lost and they said to stick at what i was doing, it felt good but i also realised that they could probably relate to my problems.
i was going to pick out some teams and if they lost i would be happy that i didnt bet BUT if they win i think that would be a trigger point. i think once my bank account starts looking healthier, reality will kick in as for years i have been up and down in and out of my overdraft, whenever i get a good wage it goes on my new gambling debts.
gambling sucks
addiction sucks
new beginnings rock
time for a hot honey before work

[vera]

Take it easy on the „dry” gambling 3raser. I used to play „free slots” . Bad idea! It keeps the addictive part of our brain alive.
Awful to be heading on night shift with a cold.
Honey, lemon, ginger and tumeric might help.

[3raser]

Hi Vera, yeah thats confirmed what I was thinking, I thought it may still act as a trigger, I’ll take your advice on that one as that’s what I’m here for, to absorb all the help I can 🙂

I have all those ingredients at home so that’s how I’m going to be spending my Saturday. I have been left so many jobs to do that I don’t have a minute to think about football which may be a good thing

[Jonny123987]

Good work 3rAcer!! Right on!

[3raser]

Well as i expected this weekend was tough. i feel like i have developed a split personality and the last 48 hrs have been me versus me having so many arguments with myself that i am exhausted. The good news is i didn’t gamble and when i have checked scores i would have won on most games but if i am honest there’s a couple i would have picked that would have lost me my bets
I have been laid out on the settee most of the weekend totally not well, the common cold having turned into a chest infection ( vera your remedy does seem to be helping though) its bizzare as i literally never get ill, it’s like the hands of fate believe i want to beat this addiction and they foresaw a tough gambling weekend ahead so knocked me of my feet…just to be sure, thanks for that! Ha
I have just watched 2 movies back to back, the gambler which we can all relate to and a film called burnt, towards the end of this film i got a bit emotionally, not for sad reasons but because i truly felt there was hope for me. This film was about working for what you really want even if you fail and have to start again, you get back up and carry on and eventually the sun will shine through. It’s about accepting those rough days and riding them out.
In another 16 hrs i will hit my 1 week mark, i really don’t want to see day 1 again.

[3raser]

I actually got to day 10 without gambling. My moods are more consistent, i focus more at work, thinking carefully about money but today i got paid, money is tight because of the gambling mess i got myself into and all i can think of is putting my money on a bet, doubling it and not worrying about money this month, losing wouldn’t be an option but i never ***** on losing but i don’t want to go back to day 1, i don’t want to chase until i don’t have a penny again, i don’t want to spend xmas hating myself as much as i did 10 days ago so i resisted my inner voice and i resisted the desire to gamble

[vera]

‘Hope your flu is improved, 3racer.
Resisting the desire to gamble is good but CGs also need extra props e.g someone to hold your money.
Did you get the 100quid you were left short?

[3raser]

My flu is getting a lot more bearable now, I’m still drinking your remedy 🙂 and i have just broken up from work so that should help.
I totally agree about the money, unfortunately i have no one i trust to hold my finances, i don’t live neary parents and i don’t want to disappoint them by telling them what I’ve done with my money over the years, they wouldn’t understand as they have struggled with money over the years and would feel sickened at my waste. Plus my mum used to steal my savings when i was little and i cant risk something like that triggering me off.

I’ll get the £100 in next months wage which is 5 weeks away, my solution has only ever been to gamble, it’s amazing how i always find money for that but not for anything else.
I was supposed to be picking up a laptop yesterday that i had reserved (second hand one) i really wanted it and normally in this situation i would gamble and put enough on to win enough for the laptop and some left over. This time i had a long think about it, decided i don’t really need it right now and when my finances are better i can buy myself a new one, so i explained to the shop, they gave me my £20 deposit back plus i didn’t have to hand over £140 yesterday to pay it off so in theory I’m £160 better off with that extra money coming in 5 weeks time. I feel good about how i handled it and used the money to fill the car and buy some treats for xmas. Xmas is my next milestone. I’ve been looking forward to xmas gambling for weeks.
I really appreciate how you still drop in on this site Vera, most people probably disappear once they feel like they have mastered staying free of gambling but you still come here and give people like me the opportunity to see what it’s like to turn things around. I for one am very grateful for that as you have been one of my inspirations, you and somebody called Andy who’s journey prompted me to document mine so thank you

[Jonny123987]

Heck yeah 3racer. Good job on staying gamble free. I’m at 14 days myself. The cloud or fog we are in when gambling is crazy. The only way to get a life back is to stop gambling. Let’s keep it up.

[3raser]

firstly i would like to say that i hope everyone had a happy and gamble free Christmas.
so….i got to day 14, day 14 after 21 years of gambling, feeling so hopeful and this happens:-
Christmas morning and i am opening cards, there’s a scratchcard in one, i freeze, i ask myself if this breaks my clean record, i paced and pondered and thought, no its ok i didnt buy it and ive never had an issue with scratchcards, so i scratch and win £10…great. the next morning i exchange for 2 more, knowing that im on the borderline of breaking my days but i still rationalise it. i scratch, i lose grrrr, why didnt i just take the £10? and then it happened, i bought some more and some more and some more, probably about £50 in total. what the hell!! i didnt really have that money to lose, i knew i had broke my 14 days which i was most annoyed about. so i drove to the bookies 2 times and drove away talking myself out if it. the 3rd time i knew i wasnt going to drive away, the thing is in the past, no matter how much i had lost once i had got my hands on some more money, that was all that mattered, i would feel that high knowing i was going to gamble and nothing else in the world mattered for that small amount of time. this time on boxing day, driving to the bookies, i felt angry and sick and so down with myself but i knew i wasnt going to turn away, i put on a £200 and felt no joy. i lost that bet by one goal and i knew where i was going. i put on another £200 to recover my first losing bet and the scratchcards and some extra for my troubles. it looked like that was a losing bet too and i was already working out what bills can i avoid paying, i had hit self destruct. i wasnt going to stop. in that moment i had given up on myself and i was back to those feelings of self loathe. as it happens, the last kick of the game won my bet and i got everything back. i wasnt happy, of course i was relieved that i had my money back but that’s it. i gambled yesterday and today, not that its ok but it was literally small amounts of money, just enough to have some extra in my pocket. i went to the bank today and put it all back in so its not lying around for me to dip into. i feel like that makes me in control again, that i dont need to give up gambling as i have been quite controlled the last couple of days THAT IS THE WORST THING A GAMBLER CAN TELL THEMSELVES. of course if i carry on, it will go back in time and time again and more on top, or i can start day 1 again from a „lesson learnt” position as i know that i will only be back from a place of self despair again like i was a few weeks ago. it didnt feel good this time when i gambled, i didnt get that heart pump that i normally do, i am ready to accept falls and to keep getting back up until i beat this.
this christmas i realised what a lonely existence i had made for myself, i always see everybody before xmas so i can lock down the hatches and be left alone to gamble on xmas and boxing day, i have been so good at pushing people away that they dont even make offers anymore, thats my doing. i took my Grandma out xmas eve and saw my parents and hadnt realised how old they have got, like life has literally been passing me by and that breaks my heart. if i ever went to visit i would always be checking scores on my phone and not paying attention to them and always leaving before the bookies shut. tomorrow i will start my day 1 again, day 1 is psychologically difficult as you dont have anything to hang onto or lose on day zero. i will be starting the new year exactly as i mean to go on and no more scratch cards as they obviously become a substitute for me not gambling. i am such an idiot but thankfully i didnt add any more debt to my life. onwards and upwards!

[vera]

Well done on your honesty, 3raser. You learned a tough lesson. I have been there many, many times. Thinking that winning back what I lost was justification for my „slip”. The reality is, of course, that we would have been better to lose the lot in one foul swoop. We know that in the end a CG NEVER wins.
Nobody can take your 14 G free days from you. Remember that!
Maybe see you in a Group at 8pm?

[3raser]

hi Vera and thank you for your kind words, good point about not being able to take my 14 days away, i never thought about it like that. You are right as if i hadnt have won my money back then i know %100 i would going and going until i was on rock bottom yet again. you know you are doing it but you just cant fight it. the only way you can stay in control is by not doing it in the first place. i actually woke up the morning with that familiar feeling of having to face another sorting out the mess i made until i remembered that i hadnt got to that point this time, it was a familiar reminder of how easy it could have been reality.
i was looking at chat and i think the next one is midnight my time (im uk) but if i am up i would like to drop in

[3raser]

today i gambled, no i didnt want to but i did anyway. tonight i thought i was going to lose a bet so i bet a second bet to cover my losses, the first one won but the second one lost and because of that im now a little behind, i know i will gamble tomorrow, i have already picked out my teams.
losing those 14 days meant more than i could imagine.
i feel consumed, overpowered, helpless and out of control
if i truly believed in re-incarnation i would absolutely hit the reset button right now and hope i can come back as a worthwhile human being that has something to offer the universe, but i am a gambler right? that means i believe in 50/50 right? so why dont i take a gamble with my life?…….i need to think about this one, i feel like i am consumed with something that i dont want…..i don’t know what to do right now, i dont want to be a gambler, i dont want to live as someone who is consumed, i want to be normal, i dont know how this journal will end right now but i know i tried, for a small amount of time, i tried…..

[vera]

You are right 3raser. Gambling consumes us. Eats us alive and all that remains is an empty shell…..
but only until we admit we are powerless over gambling.
When we realise that , everything changes.
None of us knows how our „journal will end” but we do know one thing for sure-gambling always ends in tears.

[3raser]

i thought i could do this Vera, i really wanted to be at the place you are at right now and i thought i was strong enough to do this.

nothing is rational but this little voice inside of me keeps fighting me, i just dont want to be this person anymore but i cant stop it, it feels like some horror movie that i have rolled my eyes at many times over. i feel that my existence is so unimportant right now that whatever i decide will not matter . today i gambled and today i wished i was anybody but myself

[vera]

That’s what gambling does to us, 3raser. Blinds us to reality.
No money=no gamble.
Tie up your funds and start again.
The reality is you CAN stop gambling. We are all at different stages in recovery.
Making comparisons with others is not helpful.
Read your own tread from the beginning and you will see the pitfalls.
Keep posting.

[3raser]

the fact that i now want to leave it behind but seemingly cant is what is now making life an issue, i have convinced myself for so long that i was happy with my lifestyle that all issues have been left undetected.
i read you posts and i am so particular over the key points that offer value to a persons life, those minute details that many people overlook and i feel what you write and i believe for a moment that i could reach that point too and then something i can only identify as an alien takes over and everything becomes distance.
i dont even want to take part in gambling anymore, i dont seem to have a choice, i have been given 41 years, i think that is enough to realise i have nothing to offer. all i can do is press „place bet”

[i-did-it]

Just been reading some of your thread 3raser- first u have not lost those 14 days – u have learned from them that you can do this –
Second – u can stop – if u honestly cut off all access to gambling u will have no choice but stop
Third -once we stop we quickly feel Normal again-
Fourth – you are an honest person- it’s time to be honest with yourself about the doors u leave open to gamble

I promise you if you do everything possible to cut off gambling from yourself and that might mean handing ALL your money to someone else to manage – u will stop immediately – u also will feel better almost immediately .

None of us can do this on our own- but now of us are alone

Sometimes shame or embarrassment stops us reaching out for help .

You will stop 3raser- your honesty on your thread gives me great hope for you .
You will stop and you deserve a good life –
Please understand u may never be free from this addiction but u can be free from it’s control

I am writing this because I found it so hard to stop- I find it immensely difficult to stay stopped – but I love the life I have now after a short while.
Yes it’s shallow but I love that I have nice clothes and my hair nicely coloured .
Every day u are stopped , treat yourself to something to train your brain to the benefits of being stopped !
I sometimes go for an m and s hot chocolate wi cream.

You got to an amazing 14 days – maybe next time it will be 21 – maybe next time It will be forever –

Don’t give up now when u are on the way to a great recovery .
As Vera says lock down there accounts -put a gambling blocker on all ur internet devices , hand over control of your money to some one else .

I had to do all of the above and invest £10 on a phone hat allowed calls and texts and nothing else .

Sorry if This sounds like a lecture – I guess I have been there too often – but I know that recovery is possible and u can do it as u have proven .

[3raser]

hi i-did-it thank you so much for commenting, i saw you briefly in chat last night but i was trying to get a feel of the place and it ended.
firstly you absolutely do not sound shallow or giving a lecture, the fact you are rewarding yourself with actual things is a really good thing because as you know a gambler will never spend gambling money.
i cant really hand over my money to anyone as my mum would take it for herself, i love her but her will power is colder than antarctic and i dont want to put her in that position and i am not generally a negative person and i will through my heart and soul into something but for some reason ( i never decided to quit before) the feeling of being consumed by something i cant seem to beat is taking my desire to fight and live and become the person i want to be.
how long did it take you to stop?i know how hard it must have been so from my heart i genuinely thank you and say….well done 🙂

[vera]

Of course you have a choice, 3raser.
Read what I -did- it said. I agree totally that when we leave doors open, our minds continue to play tricks on us.
Make gambling impossible and you will see a very big difference.

[3raser]

you are so right and i thought i nailed it, i slipped up and now i feel this force field around me, consuming me, its ridiculous. i see it for what it is and i dont see a positive outcome. i actually googled today information on how not to leave debt when you die as i dont want my parents having one last reason to resent me.
i am a strong person but i can’t fight this, i don’t drink so i think maybe…..i dont know.

[vera]

Recovery from gambling is not easy, 3raser. It is deemed to be the most difficult addiction of all. We need to fight it with every available weapon. There is a lot of help out there. We all go through difficult times when we feel we have no hope of overcoming this „demon”. Can you think of any other person, besides your mum who would help you to be accountable for your money?

[3raser]

Vera i dont have anyone i trust completely with my finances. the crazy thing is, i haven’t lost a lot of money today, it is still ok, it’s the fact that i didnt want to gamble i really really didnt yet i didnt seem to have a choice.
i have worked since i was 15, i am now 41 and have nothing to show for it…..if i am honest Vera, your thread got me through 14 days, i got to see life without gambling, i didn’t just give up for 14 days, i followed your journey : )

[vera]

I’m glad my thread helped you through those 14 days, 3raser. The whole purpose of this Site is to lend support to each other. When I read or hear of peoples’ relapse, it helps me to remember the „bad times”. I’m only a „rooky” when it comes to recovery. There are members here who have lots of years under their belt but will I let you in on a little secret? Its not the time away from the last bet that counts, its the methods we use to protect ourselves from making the next bet that make the difference.
TODAY is all that counts.
2016 has been a G free year for me but I’m here in GT since 2008. Ducking and diving . IF I had taken the advice I was given initially, I would be debt free now. I am a lot older than you. I had to retire on ill health grounds. Gambling played a big part in that. I will be paying off debt forever. I have had many near misses so I just try to take each day as it comes, saying,
„Just for today, I will not gamble”.
It IS possible to stop gambling.

[3raser]

I really appreciate you sharing that with me, i guess in those 7 years before you managed to make 2016 gamble free you too had times when it all felt hopeless. Nobody but a gamblers appreciates the struggles. I self excluded from my online account last night, i know i should have done it sooner, i don’t know why i didn’t, i probably wanted to feel I had some control over it. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me last night

[vera]

Well done on closing that account, 3raser.
„What you are aware of, you are in control of.
What you are not aware of, is in control of you”!
Denying that you CANNOT control gambling, gives it power over you.
Take back that power now.
I have to go out now so no access to internet.
Maybe we will meet in one of the Groups this evening.
Stay safe!

[bettie]

Hi and welcome!
Don’t overwhelm yourself!
I think some of the best advice I ever got here is that one bet is too many-and one thousand bets are never enough!
The only day we need to worry about is today. One day at a time. There will come a time when you will be able to see yourself as a non-gambler however thats a ways off at this point. The further you are away from your last bet the easier it will be.
Insanity, prison or death-that’s where compulsive gambling will take you. This is from the GA Yellow book-i was struck like a ton of bricks when I first read those words but it was a wake up call because I wanted to die by the time I found the GT site.
bettie

[3raser]

i am going to try and pop into the 8 o’clock one. i gambled today, i knew i would. i gambled a lot to win a little, i lost twice and then got most of it back, not all of it but most of it. i just seemed to have hit self destruct and im keeping my head just above water. i will take that power back 🙂

[3raser]

i have previously read over your thread and recognised that your journey was a lot tougher than mine needs to be but that i am heading in the same direction. i could probably be debt free in a few years if i stop now, and that is a powerful statement about insanity, prison or death as sometimes death seems the only way to be released from this demon but i dont actually want to die and i can still turn this around. i just need to get some distance again as that seems to be crucial to believing i can actually turn this around. i feel fortunate to have find this site and to see how everyone has this fight but they never give up, that gives me hope 🙂

[roberto123]

hi eraser try to forget everything behind and just like me make ldg to be 30 or 31 /12 /2016 and let 1/1/2017 be your real day 1 g free. this is a good date to start over again….

[Jonny123987]

Hey 3racer,

I’m sorry to hear you replaced too. I did the same thing. Lets start over our counts again. check this out. It made me feel a little better. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKYcowQ3-Qw

Today is day 3 for me again. This will be my 100th day 3. I don;t want there to be a 101 day 3. I have to stop and so do you.

This disease is a horrible disease. It takes from us everything and gives back nothing.

[3raser]

i gambled again today, no big surprise, i knew i was going to, i’m still chasing my losses from yesterday, i have most of it back, the bit i have lost is the extra i won the other day, of course i want to win it all back but i have made my peace with that loss.
this addiction is hopeless and is not i cannot defeat it
i will never stop gambling
my life will never have an ounce of quality as i am going to dedicate me whole being to gambling
i am happy to gain nothing in return
i accept that i will end my life early

OK THAT TRASH TALK STAYS IN 2016!!!

come on 2017 i am ready for you.

i know it is a cliche starting on new years day but there is just something about that day that motivates you to try that little bit harder. i am taking my life back, my friends, my family, everybody thinks i dont want them to contact me as that has how i have made them feel over the years, when you are gambling, you have no room for distractions. its like working for the CIA or something, in fact i reckon i am now qualified to work in that job.

i am that serious about going into the new year and succeeding that i haven’t gone out tonight, i dont need alcohol to distort my thinking and i dont need to wake up with a hangover to make me feel lazy and un-motivated.

i will phone my grandma and tell her i love her, it makes her so happy to hear those words but i never make time for her. i am not a selfish person but gambling makes the devil look like he has a halo on stood next to me.

i am going to sort out a load of clothes and take them to the homeless shelter, it’s time to give back to society and contribute to someones happiness.

jonny you need to stay a few days in front of me, give me something to chase 😉

i am going to go and watch that video now.

peace everybody, happy new year and here is to a gamble free January 1st 2017

[3raser]

so i have day 1 under my belt again, it got off to a bumpy start after for some reason i bought some scratchcards on 1st January, i actually did this without thinking and i have no idea as i dont usually but as they were a trigger point for me on boxing day i am classing them as gambling so technically i gambled on the morning but i have set my counting app from the point of buying them and i now accrued over a day, a shaky start but more of a learning curve than giving in to the need of gambling so i feel ok about it 🙂

i tried to self exclude today but when i walked into the bookies there was too many people there and i felt embarrassed as nobody sees what i lose as i use the self terminals, they only see when im collecting and see me as a professional gambler or something. i know it sounds stupid but thats how i felt, so i pretended to put a bet on at the terminal and walked out. there is a number you can call if you dont want to go into the bookies and do it and it excludes from every bookies in the uk, not sure how it works but that sounds perfect for me. i tried to phone today but it was answering machine as today is technically a bank holiday.
it would be heaven if i was banned from everywhere.

today i did not gamble :)…get in!!

[charles]

Good realisation on those scratch cards. It is a gambling addiction, while we all have/had our „favourite drug of choice” if we cut out our usual form of gambling then the addiction will quite happily switch to another form if we allow it.

If that phone number works then please post it here. 🙂

Keep posting.

[3raser]

hi Charles, yes that seems to be my lesson, that the addiction will manifest into a different to find the same satisfaction, hopefully soon my addiction will find a worthwhile addiction like cleaning the car or something 🙂 it was actually a helpful lesson so i am taking no negativity from it.

i wasnt sure about posting numbers and stuff so now that i know it is ok i will first check it out tomorrow, see what the procedure is and then i can post it with some helpful information to go with it.

one thing i can’t understand is why people have to provide 2 passport photos at a bookies to self exclude, i mean if someone is at their lowest point, often gambled their bus fare home etc, how the hell can they find money to do those passport pictures, bookies should have a web cam where they can take an instant picture they can take and upload before the gambler has time to change their mind.

maybe i can tackle that this year 🙂 change the rules etc

[charles]

Good point. If you do need any photos then I recommend uploading a picture to your PC – then you can print as many as you want fairly cheaply. 🙂

[3raser]

day 2 and gambling free, i was actually quite productive today, did a workout which i haven’t done for ages, took the dog on a 4 mile walk, cleaned, tidied and the best part is i self excluded from all bookies in the uk.
so yesterday i was saying that i was struggling to self exclude in person but on there’s a number you can call 08002942060 where you can phone up and do it but it can take up to 10 days to implement. its a MOSES project, it says to call MOSES to which i found myself asking to speak to Moses when i phoned up much to the amusement of the person at the other end.
anyway you phone, i said i wanted to exclude, there was no questions about my gambling or anything like that, just took my details, sent an email to which i had to send to pictures back and they do the rest. the best thing is they target all areas that might trigger you off, so mine was all around where i live and work and if i see one that tempts me, i can phone up and add it to the list. my gambling style means i like to go back and forth all day to my local one so eliminating that one is a massive help on my journey. a gambler will always find a way to gamble if they are that determined and this doesnt change that, the gambler still needs to do the work but taking another temptation out of my way is only going to help me get this done.

[vera]

Self exclusion is a brilliant move, 3raser.
The start of a New Life!
Well done!

[3raser]

Hi Vera
Happy New Year to you 🙂
Yes i think it was the final piece of the jigsaw and it’s the first time i have felt truly positive about a life without in gambling in the sense of actually being able to achieve it. By self excluding i actually believe myself now about giving up. It feels good

[vera]

Just be careful. After I self excluded, I got itchy feet . Travelled further to find new stomping ground. Sounds like your „exclusion” is more sincere. Where I live , you can only ban yourself verbally. No written proof. No documentation so really just a way to slow the action down. Having an exclusion order to cover all bookies is a gift from on high!

[3raser]

Yeah, i was worried about that and even now, i am sure I could find a bookies somewhere, that’s where my determination must stand firm. The whole concept of not just one bookie or one firm but all of them is a really good idea. I’m presuming that they will focus fully on the ones around me, sending my picture out and name etc more intensely and i know if i tried to enter i would think that they were all looking at me. I definitely can’t go into my fav one as they all know me. It’s took a lot of options and rainy day twitches away.

[vera]

Just exclude mentally now and you will be a winner.

[Jonny123987]

Good Job 3racer!

Best,
Jon

[3raser]

That week has gone so quick, helped by the fact I was on night shift so sleeping throughout the day and keeping busy with the other hours wasn’t too hard.
Today was the challenge as I used to love Saturday gambling , I had a set routine and it literally took all my time up from 0600 (Australian football) till about 2200 but I didn’t gamble and I survived. I had a good sleep after my last shift and did loads this afternoon including cleaning the car, walking in the woods cooked a dinner for the dog, made a homemade nutritious pizza ( I am very into good nutrition as a subject ) watched a movie and then bathed the pup as she decided to stomp around in some fox poop. These are everyday normal things for people but as a gambler I didn’t have time for them.
The biggest help for me was the advice to self exclude physically from the bookies. Of course I could find one somewhere where I could place a bet but the thought of someone seeing me and kicking me out, the embarrassment I would feel is enough to stop me even thinking about it. I really think this is the deal breaker as my demons are sat quietly not knowing what to tell me. Life is so much nicer without demons

[3raser]

I have the first week gamble free, if I hadn’t relapsed I would have been past a month but I probably also wouldn’t have barred myself from the bookies.
So today I wanted to gamble, I checked the games that were on for the day and I saw goals and opportunity, bizarrely one of the games that was nailed on for goals ended up 0-0 so I would have spent the rest of the day chaser. I have to remember I am a chaser and always will be, I also need to stop looking at what matches are being played….its a trigger!

[charles]

Hi 3raser, well done on your gamble free time.

If Saturdays are particularly difficult for you, with lots of sport and football, tehn it helps to plan your day. Know what youa re doing throughout the day so you dont reach a point where you think „Hmmmm what shall i do now?”

[Jonny123987]

Good job on not gambling 3raser!

[3raser]

Thank you charles & jonny, you’ve both made a difference.
I’ve just hit double numbers on my gamble free days. I still look at matches that are being played but not everyday now otherwise I start to twitch and the demon inside of me starts to awaken, stretch & yawn, rub it’s eyes as it feels the life rushing back through it until I point it it’s just a bad dream and then it slowly curls up, ready to nap again.
That was my day 10……nobody warned me of the psychotic illusions 🙂

[vera]

Gambling is all an illusion, 3Raser.
Recovery helps us to see reality. Don’t worry about the flashbacks. They come with the territory.
Well done on 10 G free days but remember the motto „one day at a time”!

[Jonny123987]

Great work 3racer. Day 10. Woot!!

[Jonny123987]

Great work 3racer. Day 10. Woot!!

[3raser]

Thank you everyone, Jonny i am right behind you hang in there 🙂

Nearly at my point of my last relapse, i feel like I’m in a false sense of security as I’m not overwhelmed by the urge to gamble, i don’t want to be become complacent as that is when I’ll be most vulnerable.
I had a job interview today, only for a different position at where i work now, for the first time i was able to focus on something productive. Usually i wouldn’t have my phone in my pocket vibrating when there was goals, excusing myself to the bathroom when there wasn’t any so that i could check.

Today I was a normal person, focusing on my future without being consumed by my addiction.

Today was a good day. The weekend is looming. This is my hard part. The journey continues

[vera]

The Weekend is made up of two days, 3raser.
Take them one at a time.
They are no different than any other days.
To be honest , weekends never meant anything to me. EVERY day was a gambling day when I was „active”.
In fact days and nights overlapped.I often didn’t know what day it was!
Just make a plan to do something totally different tomorrow and the same for Sunday and before you know it , Monday will be here.
Because you are barred, then you have a better chance of not gambling.

[i won a new life]

Thank you for sharing your story, I can relate to how you feel. I want you to know that we are all here to support each other.

In an anonymous way because I don’t feel people understand in person. One day at a time life is worth living without gambling.

[3raser]

Hi I won a new a life
There are people face to face that understand but it tends to be people that have experienced what we are going through, maybe places like G.A meetings but I agree that here is a fantastic place with a great support network, not sure if I would have done this without GT

[3raser]

I think the weekends are harder as the week used to be full of so many distractions that I used to urge the weekend here so that I could gamble constantly without work etc, there are also so many more matches to choose from. I used to go to bed early so that Saturday would be here quicker.
The self exclusion was crucial as I wouldn’t even think of humiliating myself by trying to sneak in. I wouldn’t have done that if Charles hadn’t been so demanding in chat haha
Your journey was the first one to give me hope.
I hope your new year is positive and full of strength

[3raser]

I think I’m about to break some records, i can’t remember the last time i went this long without gambling, 22 years with it slowly consuming me, if i didn’t gamble it’s only because I’d run out of money and was waiting for pay day. I don’t believe in looking back or stressing about things i cannot change but sometimes i think about how different my life would have been if i hadn’t put gambling first before everything and everyone. Money will be tight for a few months but i no longer see gambling as a way of topping up my finances.
Today i did not gamble

[3raser]

19 days gamble free, weekends are always hard but this one is the hardest so far, work was all buzzing today, i work shifts and this weekend is the longest out of 3 so everyone is extra excited for the weekend, football slips are out, predictions are being thrown back & forth, everyone is excited that their slip is the winning one and today i missed being a part of it, i wanted to accept I’m a gambler and join them, i was asked to take part in a group bet and i really wanted to but i said no, today is the first day that I’ve really missed it and want it back but i have to remember that as much as i promise myself i cannot bet sensibly and i will always be a chaser. I try not to go into too much detail about my betting and what i enjoy etc incase someone is reading this and they relate to my kind of betting and it sets off a trigger in them but today i wanted to feel those endorphins kicking in but i didn’t gamble today. Tomorrow will be tough

[3raser]

Well….i got through the weekend, it wasn’t easy and i dont necessarily have the tools to get through days like that but i just binged on film after film, ate rubbish and basically frittered the hours away, not exactly how i wanted to spend my weekend but if it got the job done then I’m ok with that. I checked the football afterwards and there’s quite a few that i think i would have picked that would have let me down so that softens it a little bit….some days it feels like I’m going through a kind of cold turkey where i feel like i have to fight myself in the mirror to hold me back but for today i did not gamble and i have no intentions of stopping this fight.

I watched a film called a street cat named bob, that’s about a heroin addict that wants to get clean, it’s bloody scary to see the similarities between a drug addict and gambling addict

[vera]

How was your weekend, 3raser?
Sounds like an interesting film.

[charles]

Hi 3raser,

Well done on not getting drawn in by that group bet.

What did you say to them? Whilst it is up to you whether you ever tell anyone at work about your problem it is important to tell them that you have decided to stop gambling. Insert reason of choice. I can remember I just told everyone I had stopped coz i was fed up with losing.

It is important though as if you just give them a „not this week” then they will ask again next week, the week after etc

No one where I work knows I have a gambling problem. Everyone there knows I never get involved in syndicates, lottery, raffle tickets or anything. A few „I don’t gambles/I’m not interesteds” and they stopped asking.

[Jonny123987]

Hey 3Racer. Hope you are still behind me on days!

[3raser]

I almost can’t believe that number, another weekend past and still no gambling, this weekend was a little different however as I had a works night out and at some point we always end up feeding the slots all the crumpled up notes in our pockets and waking up the next morning wondering how we spent so much money. My good friend from work knows what I’m going through and as much as I said he was free to play as he wants,he didn’t because of me and actually commented that he hardly spent anything in comparison to normal so it was a win win. I am now using any spare time obsessing over boxsets (currently walking dead) I get so engrossed that days will pass before I even think about football results. When I got paid I put £100 in my ISA account, it’s been open years and has only ever had a small amount in before I withdraw it for gambling. Im starting to believe I can do this.
Jonny….keep showing me the way 🙂

[vera]

Now that you KNOW you can stop gambling, 3 racer, you are getting a taste of Recovery.
Nice of your friend to show you some support.
31 days is awesome!

[3raser]

46 days now and although it’s getting easier I dont want to get complacent as I sometimes get that urge and although they are less frequent and dont last long as before I know full well that one slip up and all those feelings will come rushing back stronger and harder. One thing I have noticed is that hardly anyone talks about football at work which makes me think I was instigating the conversations all the time. I also can’t believe that my first wage in January, I put some money into my savings and it’s still there, that has never happened before, I’ve also been given an unexpected bonus from work which I will put into my savings. I have made agreements with some companies I owed money to so that I can pay them back. I haven’t had money spare for over 20 years of my working life as I always eventually lose it. I know %100 that this has only been possible with someone here insisting that I exclude myself from the bookies, that has been crucial to my recovery and if I can recommend only 1 thing, that would be it. Dont make excuses like promising yourself you will set limits, it doesnt work!

[Jonny123987]

Hows it going 3racer? Still charging ahead mate?

[Jonny123987]

Hows it going 3racer? Still charging ahead mate?

[3raser]

Hey Jonny123987, thanks for checking in on me 🙂 I’m over the moon that you are still going strong, I got to day 175, paid off my arrears on my bills, got my debts on a manageable plan, got some savings for the first time since I was young, had a weekend break and for long periods of time I never even thought about gambling, I sometimes even thought I was „cured ” even though I know that gamblers never are but thats how great things were going, I still checked in here but never made the time to talk so cone day 175 I had an urge out of nowhere that was so strong I didn’t fight it, drove to a bookies that I knew I wasn’t excluded from, lost £50 which I could actually afford to lose but then proceeded to lose £1200 in 2 days which was my savings and some bill money so now I’m behind on my payments again and back to day 1 which is so depressing but I have just excluded from some more bookies and I’m working extra hours at work to claw some losses back. The really strange thing is that you messaged me literally a few hours after I had placed my bet. The timing couldn’t have been more ironic…..day 1 sucks 🙁

[velvet]

Hi 3raser
Try and not see Day one as a day that sucks but more a day that heralds a new beginning with greater understanding.
If it was easy to control an addiction to gamble, this site would not exist and if there was a ‘cure’ you would have heard it all over the media. However with no ‘cure’ in sight the only way forward is ‘one day at a time’.
You actually could not afford to lose £50 because the act of gambling and not the money was the stimulus your brain needed to get into action again.
Keep posting and next time you feel a trigger use this thread and your experience to do something different. 5p or £5000 it makes no difference – it is gambling and not money that will always cause you to lose something more precious than money – ‘you’.
Look after ‘you’ and there will not be a need for another Day 1.
Velvet

[Jonny123987]

Hi 3racer,

I’m really happy to hear that you made it to day 175. That’s a major accomplishment. And thank you for sharing what you’ve just gone through. It was helpful for me to read. I agree with the post above that the amount of the bet doesn’t matter. It’s the action that we all crave. Self control is the key to everything. We can give our money to someone else. We can call 2000 gambling establishments and exclude. We can buy exclusion software for all electronic gambling devises. But truth being told there is always a way for an addict to get action in one form or another. The key is knowing that and no acting on it. You will get back to 175 and beyond. Be strong my friend and choose the right path. Because of you I can make it and will not gamble for today.

Don;t forget ever that you are great. You are powerful. You control your thoughts therefore you control the world around you. Be the person you want to be 1 day at a time. Don’t think about yesterday and don’t think about tomorrow. Just live this one day the best that you can.

[3raser]

this is my first post in a long time. i managed to go 175 days without gambling (maybe a few days longer but 175 was the last *****) to put it simply, it was the best 175+ days i had experienced for a long long time, my life was beginning to feel normal, my debts were in control, i had a few savings for the first time since i was 18. my thoughts of gambling were becoming longer and longer apart, THEN the worst thing happened, i got in from work, had a nap, dreamt about putting a bet on, woke up, sun was shining, i felt great AND i wanted to have bet, the urge was so bad that i it won me over, i thought that one wouldn’t hurt, that i was doing ok now and could afford to lose a small amount even though i know that i never have been nor will ever be that kind of gambler. that weekend i went on to lose somewhere near a £1000 and it lead to 4 months of the worst binge of gambling that i have ever been on. i havent been able to come here as i sold everything i owned including my phone to keep gambling, the only food i had was for the dog ( i made sure she had everything she needed ) and went days eating boiled rice, i have never been so far gone, last month i did loads of overtime, bought myself a second hand laptop, phone and was back in front with money, i was gambling and winning enough to live off and decided i had to stop while i was in front, that thought lasted all off 24hrs and have blown another £1000 over the last few days, i am now into bill money and i have enough to try and win some of it back tomorrow but i want to stop and face the music, the urge is so strong to keep going that i don’t feel in control. work is so tough at the minute though that i am starting to compare how much i lose to how many days hard work that i have blown but that makes me feel bad and i want to replace it of course by gambling. hopefully with having access to this site again i can use this journal to dampen my need to gamble. i have had a taste of what life is like not gambling and i want that life permanently

[3raser]

today i gambled, i lost, i won, i felt nothing, 1 week ago i was doing great, i had won enough to put me in a comfortable position and i knew i had to stop there and then, i keep thinking it’s greed that make me go back for „one last bet” but i don’t think that’s true. i do know that it is really difficult to stop when you are on top, the addiction waits until you are on your knees before you act.
i don’t think tomorrow will be my „day 1” as i seem to be on a path of self destruct, it’s about time i listened to my own advice and. i will beat this, i just didnt manage take my millionth first step today

[i-did-it]

I am rushing out eraser , but just wanted to send you some
Encouragement – the good thing is you now know you can do it and you now know how good life can be.
Cash out , self ban, and buy a blocker for that laptop.
You can do it .

[3raser]

thank you for taking the time to stop by 🙂 i have actually self excluded from all the online sites and from all the bookmakers around me so i drive 12 miles to one that i go in to, i know i can self exclude from that too but like i read on another post a gambler will always find the means to gamble, i have all the tools in place and i know how much better my life is without gambling . it’s just I’ve got myself so stuck. i will do it though.
have a great day and thanks once again

[Jonny123987]

3racer – No amount of gambling is ok for us. You can’t gamble ever again. It ends in only one way. Bad every time.

[3raser]

just noticed the date of when i first joined and it’s a year on..WOW and here i am still doing the same stupid stuff and pretty much in the same situation. tonight has been my turning point where i say enough is enough and the reason i say that tonight is a turning point as for the last few weeks i have known that i have to stop but i knew in reality i was going to get up the next and gamble and promise that it was going to be my „last one” well, tomorrow i am not going to gamble. i nearly reached that point a few weeks ago but unfortunately i was winning, winning enough to live on whilst my wages built up a little but how hard is it to give up when you are winning for a CG? so of course i have had to blow it all and then another ridiculous amount chasing it. i phoned in sick 2 days (something i never do) so i could gamble. this is how stupid and gripping the addiction is. i had nearly clawed back all the money i needed to pay my bills this month, i was £10 short of the full amount so i blew £220 trying to get the full amount, that’s how addiction works, it takes away your ability to make choices based on logic. usually i stress and start selling stuff to keep gambling when i can’t pay the bills but yes i am short this month but i’m not the first person in the world not to pay my bills on time and i wont be the last. i actually get paid on Thursday so i am to not worry and just pay people then. the most important thing is to stop, i really wish i could be one of those saturday gamblers that just have a little football bet and win or lose that’s it for the week but no matter what and no matter how many days i don’t gamble for i will never be one of those gamblers but by not gambling i am in cotrol of my addiction. looking forward to nailing my day1

[3raser]

after my positive and determined decision last night i woke up wanting to gamble, since my relapse after 175 days i have been gambling hardcore, winning,losing but always eventually losing. i think this time around is going to be harder as i want a „quick fix” to my finances. i am going to try and write in my journal when i get the urge to maybe remind myself of the consequences because when you gamble there’s always that little voice (i call him addictus) urging you to have that „one last bet” especially on a saturday, today is my favourite day for football. i have the opportunity to do overtime between now and xmas. i figured that if i did 10 extra days then that would contribute to a lot of my losses. it also puts those losses into real terms as the thought of working so much is depressing. maybe it will put gambling into some perspective.

[vera]

„Addictus” is a bully. He will always throw tantrums until he gets his own way.
Would you give a 3 year old his own way when throwing a tantrum?
Reading between the lines of your second last post tells me you are ready to quit. („Addictus” can read minds!)
Work that overtime, one day at a time. Nobody will ask you to work ten consecutive days. It will be a great way to retrieve your recent loss and will also remind you how hard earned money is NOT to be used for gambling.
No money =no gamble.
Make sure you don’t have ready access when you get paid.
Your „anniversary”is a good day to start all over again.
You know the drill.

[3raser]

that message actually made me smile (for all the right reasons)
i actually bought a watch several months ago and swore only to take it out of the box (i know this sounds strange but we all have our ways ) when i had committed to giving up %100. i was in 2 minds whether today was the day but i am going to wear it today 🙂
work will be hectic for a while as i work 5 days a week so that’s going to be 6/7 days a week for a while but like you side, it puts money into perspective and each time i am getting up at 04:00 for an extra shift i will remind myself the reason that i am there.
i often check into your threads to remind myself of the possibilities 🙂 i want to be another member here that people can find strength in…it does make a difference to peoples lives

[i-did-it]

Eraser it is so hard to stop and then when we the urges become even stronger – you have done it before – you will do it again.
I hope you get caught up in your bills and that the overtime helps

[Jonny123987]

Hi 3racer,

Reading what your going through troubles me. I wanted to write on here something magical that will make things better. But those words don’t seem to come to mind. The truth is… and you know this… Is that you have to quit. You aren’t going to win. The money is gone. The only way back to anything is by not gambling anymore. It’s weird but somehow reading your posts actually made me feel like I want to gamble again. So odd… But I know that it’s just a feeling. It will pass. I miss the rush. The consequence of getting the rush is losing money. What we all do is chase the rush gambling gives us. The rush feels great, makes the bad feelings go away, makes the lack of confidence go away, makes all the worries and problems go away. It’s just us and the rush. WE LOVE IT. But then comes the wrath of consequences that come with the rush. No money, no friends, no family, no love, no confidence, no time for anything or anyone, no emphatic, selfishness, lies, fear, etc…
I day gambling is shit. Don;t do it anymore. I actually have a little bit of savings now and it will continue to grow. Maybe one day a great opportunity will present itself and I can use the money I have to invest in a business idea or something. In doing that maybe I can make some of that wasted money back. But I’m not going to make it back gambling, and even if I was I don’t want the wrath of other shit that comes from a life of chasing and gambling. I chose this way. Slow and steady from now on.

[Jonny123987]

And btw – There are a lot of gambles out there that people take daily… These gambles don’t give you the rush of gambling at casino’s. Bet on index funds. Bet on the S&P 500. Bet on buying a house. Bet on a Roth IRA or 401K. Bet on Yourself doing something amazing (having money in the bank when that big idea presents itself). There’s lots of things to bet on in this world besides cards, machines, sports, dice…
I have money invested in Equifax. That stock took a huge hit last week. I bought it when it was at it lowest point. So I’m betting on the fact that it will go up by 10%. My goal is always 10% now on stocks. I’ve made about $250 bucks so far investing roughly $5000k. Thats in just a few months. I bought a stock 1 month ago that is exactly at the same number when I bought it. I bought some S&P500 index stock a month ago and it’s gone up like .8% which is great. Basically what I’m saying is you can still take risks with money and try to earn off of money you save. But it doesn’t have to be such a risky endeavor. You also don’t need to double your money in hours. It may take months to earn just 5% but thats really not bad. It’s actually pretty freaking amazing. Save your money and invest in yourself. I’ve been looking at BTI as well which some of you Brits may know. 🙂

[Jonny123987]

And btw – There are a lot of gambles out there that people take daily… These gambles don’t give you the rush of gambling at casino’s. Bet on index funds. Bet on the S&P 500. Bet on buying a house. Bet on a Roth IRA or 401K. Bet on Yourself doing something amazing (having money in the bank when that big idea presents itself). There’s lots of things to bet on in this world besides cards, machines, sports, dice…
I have money invested in Equifax. That stock took a huge hit last week. I bought it when it was at it lowest point. So I’m betting on the fact that it will go up by 10%. My goal is always 10% now on stocks. I’ve made about $250 bucks so far investing roughly $5000k. Thats in just a few months. I bought a stock 1 month ago that is exactly at the same number when I bought it. I bought some S&P500 index stock a month ago and it’s gone up like .8% which is great. Basically what I’m saying is you can still take risks with money and try to earn off of money you save. But it doesn’t have to be such a risky endeavor. You also don’t need to double your money in hours. It may take months to earn just 5% but thats really not bad. It’s actually pretty freaking amazing. Save your money and invest in yourself. I’ve been looking at BTI as well which some of you Brits may know. 🙂

[Jonny123987]

Also – When I suggest investing some money in the market or in another way I don’t mean all of it. People should put money in the market in a safe manner. I have saved a little nest egg (that I can live on for a several months) that I don’t touch. I only now invest a certain amount of money set aside for investing.
When gambling on sports I had no end in sight. There was never enough and everything could be spared. Investing in my Roth IRA doesn’t really feel the same way.

[Jonny123987]

3racer, I just worked about 26 straight btw. Flying to another city and working for one company while I called in sick to the first company. I did basically 5 jobs at once for a couple of those weeks. I suggest that you stop thinking so hard about all this stuff and just focus on doing a good job and taking pride in your work. Work doesn’t;t hurt anyone. So work your tail off and get back into the green. You can do it. You just need to stop thinking about it and do it.

[Jonny123987]

Stop gambling. Stop thinking about day 1’s or day 175’s just freaking stop gambling. Those are just numbers….

[3raser]

hi Jonny, well i got through today and i must admit i did a bit of pacing and trading words with the devil, i actually believe it to be like withdrawing from drugs without the physical pain that goes with it, it really tries to win control over you every time but the most important thing is i didn’t gamble. i try not to focus on day 1,2,3 so intensive and negatively as i did before but more of milestones. i am doing an extra shift tomorrow, up at 4am and a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences.
your negatives that you listed were all spot on, the list is really harsh to read but i can tick off everyone, gambling is such a lonely world when you sit back and look at yourself. everything is about placing a bet, results, money for more gambling and woe betide anything that obstructs that even if it is yourself.
you are right about investing in yourself, my health is start to deteriorate due to eating junk which i only do when i gamble and i lost out on a job recently due to putting more time into gambling than preparing for the role. Gambling gives you a temporary high but eventually it take your life from you until you become another statistic wether it be homeless, in prison, suicide, on benefits. its time the goverment faced up to it and stopped ramming it down our throats but i suppose all they care is the billions we give them each year….i wont be another statistic because of gambling!

[vera]

Hi 3racer!

How are you getting on?
The only real „milestone” we need to reach is to get to bed each night without placing a bet.
Just for today….
Did you work the extra shift?

[3raser]

hi Vera 🙂
on day 6 today and feeling pretty good. Its very clear that i really don’t like myself as person when i gamble so by stopping i get stop hating on myself which is always positive.
today was payday and i got shopping and filled the car and yes it’s tight at the minute with money and i get the thoughts of „one good bet and i can put myself in a more comfortable place” but i am quick to remind myself that one bad bet and i’m on that road again. weekends are the worst as that is when i make or lose my money, weekdays are for chasing my loses or throwing back my winnings so i have committed to work again this weekend. i got my first extra shift in last week so that’s good.
two comments keep ringing through my head, the one that you said about thinking i was ready for this, i am starting to believe that the more i replay it and the second one is when Jonny said to invest in myself which i am starting to do 🙂
do you think that there’s ever a time when the thoughts don’t creep in to haunt us? i see you are leading GA meetings now, that is amazing and it’s so humbling to so others putting in time to help others.

[Jonny123987]

I’m glad some of my words have helped you. I think that humans have a natural instinct to criticize things as well as have the ability to quash those thoughts. Negativity and positivity are two sides of the same coin. You just have to pick a side. Much easier said than done of course.

[3raser]

so today i am starting off my 11th day of not gambling, on the whole i feel ok but i had a couple of wobbles at the weekend, football was on tv which is a big weakness, i was thinking i was going to write here until the storm blew over but with working a 4 am shift the day after a night shift i was exhausted and ended up sleeping past the wobbles
i was thinking about counselling recently but finding the right one can be a mine field, i just don’t want to relapse as my gambling seems to get more and more out of control every time i do.
i spend so much time making excuses not to go to social events, not see friends, covering up when i am chasing losses, pretending everything is great to the outside world without actually letting anyone in that i have lost touch with who i really am. i only know myself as a gambler and a failure. i even thought that i was happy with no-one in my life as it means i don’t have to explain myself to anyone but maybe that’s not true either. i really need to explore who i am so i can myself as a person and not a gambler but i am determined and i am ready and i feel better about racking some gamble free days up 🙂 today i will try not to gamble

[Jonny123987]

A life coach helped me. They aren’t cheap but in comparison with gambling they are. They can help you understand things better about yourself.

Your bud,
Jon

[3raser]

today i gambled!
everything was going great, i got a bill for something i wasn’t expecting and hadn’t budgeted for but i was trying to think it through, i would be lying if i didn’t say that putting a bet on to cover the cost was the first thing that came to my mind as that’s a normal pattern for me but i got past it. i went to work on another extra day, it was a tough day but i reminded myself that i was recovering some of my losses and so i just got on with it, the sun was out, people were joking about ( i was working with a different shift than normal ) and then out came all the betting slips that the lads indulge in on a weekend, that’s the exact point that i knew i was going to relapse, i even thought about trying to get to a computer to write it out in my journal to try prevent it. i lost 3 times the amount that the bill was for (how ironic that i can always find money for gambling but panic at bills ) and about 5 of my extra days of working ( i have so far only done 3)i lost it all on one disallowed goal, that sucks so bad. i know that every single person that reads this will know how i am feeling right now so i will spare the details. the worst thing is i know i have a bit of money left over to try and chase some of my losses tomorrow. Addiction is a real pain in my ass!!

[vera]

Chasing a loss means we lose more 3raser.
Everything we chase we lose and everything we lose we chase (I think P said that first)
Every time I was given overtime at work or a bonus or back pay, I always gambled it in….. advance.
Back to the drawing board is the only place you will find solace.
You need to step up on support and somehow prevent access to money.
Maybe come to a Live Group?

[3raser]

i took out a pay day loan today, i said i had a reserved amount to „chase” with but we all know that through all good intentions we are not going to stop at that reserved amount so yes, i delved into my bill money and so i had to borrow to make sure my bills were paid.
i have started to do equate the money lost on gambling to the hours of overtime i have worked and that is having some sort of an impact as i always say money just a process of gambling and not actually as real money ( if that makes sense)
i have absolutely nobody that i can turn my money over to, my parents would steal it and friends are very scarce these days due to me pushing people away. if i handed control to the wrong person and they stole it then i know for sure that would be a trigger point for my gambling.
i sometimes feel like Wallace (from wallace and gromit ) in the wrong trousers, with my legs marching in a direction they don’t want to go.
i need to pick the right live group as last time it was suggested that there may be a more appropriate room to enter into than before…

[Jonny123987]

You are addicted to the rush and what the rush helps you forget about. Not gambling. Can you recognize this? Just because the guys at work are gambling doesn’t;t mean it’s ok for you to gamble. You can only control you. Today at work I heard people behind me talking about gambling and joked if anyone had a problem with it and everyone laughed. I just listened and didn’t say anything. I’m closing in on day 300 and gambling is a thing of the past. But the thing that is still present is me and my problems that drove me to gambling to forget about. We must deal with those problems to even have a chance at self control and happiness.

[Jonny123987]

Also – I know I am one bet away from hell so I choose not to go to hell again on a one way ticket. You can do it brotha. You just have to decide that gambling will never help you in the way you need. 🙁

[i-did-it]

Hi Eraser , can I ask where the payday loan money is because tomorrow night you could be facing bill money and payday loan all gone .
Please put whatever barriers you can into Place tonight so it is impossible for u to gamble tomorrow . Go out now and post your cards to yourself if you need to .
This doesn’t have to get worse Eraser -. No matter how u feel now the money is never coming back – a win will just make u want to gamble more .

[3raser]

it is so frustrating when you know what you need/have to do but claiming that control back that gambling takes from you is such a battle. The more i relapse the more i realise that i really don’t like the person i am when i gamble, it’s a very isolated world but not to like yourself as a person is a big statement, i already placed a bet for today, i did this yesterday as i am working all day. i think the best option is for me to pay my bills early, fill the car and get some shopping in so there isn’t money left for gambling. i know i am ready for this and i am not giving up. last month i didn’t have food for 3 days, i bought the dogs food and treats, i had a little left for basic food for me but i gambled it and of course lost it, i swore i would never go there again and yet here i am again, 1 step away. GT is the only place where everything makes sense. You are all amazing individuals

[Jonny123987]

When do you think you will stop? You’re talking about barely living pay check to paycheck. Trying to rationalizing a few bucks here or there. If you were watching a movie about you what would you say to that person? What would your simple recommendations be for that person? Why do you continue down the rabbit hole if you know what continuing will bring you?

[Jonny123987]

I hated the person I was when I gambled. I don’t hate the person I am when I don’t gamble. I don’t love him all the time. But I’m getting better.
I know that if I was watching a older movie about myself I would have said one thing over and over again. Just stop already! If I was watching the same movie now I would say… Stay the course… and things will come. When an opportunity comes be ready… Have money saved. Be in a place to take advantage of an opportunity. Prepare for the future so hopefully you can retire at some point possibly.
When you had 170 days or so how did that feel?

[Névtelen]

An all too familiar tale. And reminds me of the utterly pathetic situations I would end up in time and time and time again. I’ve read your thread since you first came back, following the three month gambling break you had from posting on GT once you’d managed to get 175 days under your belt.

Mate you said you relapsed then, and now you’ve relapsed again after 15 days. What is it that you have relapsed from?

I understand you, just like me, are an addict but do you really believe that you were truly in recovery from it? You went back to gambling that was your choice.

Full credit to you for getting the 175 days, but if after about 6 months without gambling, you make to a conscious decision to go and place a bet knowing fine well you are an addict and powerless against gambling, knowing how it had continually fckd your life up prior to the 175 days. What is different, what have you relapsed from?

Eraser I’ve done it myself many times, too many times to add up, that’s not recovery mate, a long period of abstinence but nothing new, except the length of time between your bets. That doesn’t mean that anybody who gambles isn’t in recovery, but to say you’ve had a slip or a relapse after gambling for months on end is utter crap in my mind. Even your gambling yesterday I don’t think should be referred to as a relapse, you’ve got a bet on for today mate you’re chasing losses.

Getting a payday loan is also ridiculous man, even if you don’t gamble it you are not facing up to your problem. During the 175 days and during the last 15 you mention getting urges to gamble. The desire to gamble for a CG, is one of three components required to go and place a bet, the other two being time and money. So with the payday loan and the desire to gamble you have 2 out of 3, I suspect with an early start at work (probably getting paid a lot less than the payday loan), you will also have the time. How are you going to prevent yourself gambling further?

I’m sure it was on this thread that you mention self-exclusion and how you now travel 12 miles to put a bet on. You mention that an addict will always find a way to get a bet on, well that is only true if that addict wants to. Someone who lives in recovery doesn’t want to put a bet on, unless there is something not quite right in their recovery, so for the occasions when something might just end up being “not quite right” it pays to be self-excluded from as many places as possible. It pays to have barriers in place.
I can tell you from my own experience as a lifelong compulsive gambler that abstinence and fighting regular urges is hard and unpleasant, when you successfully fight off an urge there is no denying you get a feeling of accomplishment, but it is shite. Those who say that fighting the urges becomes easier are still waiting for the penny to drop in my opinion. That cannot be recovery. If you are still getting the urge to gamble then there are still underlying problems that you need to address I would think.

Recovery on the other hand gives you freedom and liberation. I am aware that the addiction still lives somewhere deep inside me, it doesn’t bother me I live with it. I don’t fight it every day because I don’t have to. Because I face up to my problems and I talk honestly and opennly about all and sundry. There is great benefit in opening up.

I have been called patronising and condescending by different people on GT over the years, and I cannot deny that my posts sometimes paint that picture. There are not many stunts pulled, or lies told where gambling is concerned, that I havn’t done at some stage in my life. Nothing was safe from me whoever it belonged to. I have a great deal of sympathy for people who are trying to quit for the first or second time, maybe even the third or fourth. And a great deal of empathy with all CG’s. But I can’t do namby-pamby, “there there never mind’s”. I had that reception too many times in my life it did not do me any good.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve had over a thousand “day 1’s”
For me recovery is a wonderful thing, but in order to get into recovery I’ve had to put lots of barriers in place, just in case.
I appreciate you can’t get anybody to handle your finances but there are things that you can do to safeguard your salary. You could get paid into a deposit or savings account with no debit card and set up a weekly standing order to your debit card account for instance.

Eraser listen man. I must have met hundreds if not thousands of CG’s over the years and I’m not naïve enough to think that you will learn from mine or anybody elses mistakes, I’m yet to meet an addict that has. You can learn from your own. To get into recovery you’re going to have to.

I havn’t seen you mention any support except GT, are you looking for any? GT isn’t here as a primary source of support I’m fairly certain that it is intended to supplement any other support you may be getting.

There is no reason why you can’t make your next day 1 your last day 1. Otherwise you might end up that skint you cant feed the dog. I don’t think you’ve hit the bottom yet if I’m honest. Most people have to before they’re ready to finally take things seriously.

Stop now mate, before you’ve got nowt. It’s progressive as you know it gets worse and worse. When will you be satisfied? When you’ve no boiled rice left and have to eat the dog food? When you’ve no car and no job? In my eyes mate that is the way its heading for you, I hope I am wrong. (wouldn’t be the first time).

Prove me wrong man, stop this shit now.

You do not have to gamble, whats the worst thing that will happen if you dont get the next bet on?

Whats the worst that will happen if you do?

Over and out.

Geordie.

[3raser]

hi geordie,
ok first let me say thanks for taking the time to write all that despite it not being the most pleasant to read. when i first started reading i’m not sure how i felt but i wanted to log out and never return, like my pathetic attempts to give up weren’t worthy of this site, i felt defensive about what you was saying BUT i know those are mostly the feelings of the addiction inside of me that looks for any excuse to empower itself within me and luckily your post was long enough to stay and get past that and get more of a grasp of what you was saying.
maybe i am using the term „relapse” a bit loosely, i think i find it the easiest word to use based on how it feels at that point. when i gave up for 175 days i naively thought that i was „cured” that the longer time went the further from the addiction i was, it’s the first time i had really committed to not gambling and i wasn’t prepared for dealing with the urges that came that led me to gamble again, it came out of the blue and hit hard and the rate of how quickly that spiralled out of control scared the crap out of me but you are right, i am not quite at rock bottom and i am trying not to get there. i am also aware that i can easily start replacing the gambling with a different addiction so i really have to be careful about that also.
the payday loan was purely to cover some bills that i hadnt enough money for as i had chased my losses into bill money and yes i agree, it shouldnt be used as bail out or back up as it becomes another debt, another stress, another trigger to want to use gambling as a way out.
i probably haven’t done enough to build up a support network and took enough actions to prevent…..what word shall i use?….slipping but i do find this site a big help, more so than a secondary support as it was someone here who actually put expectations on me to exclude from bookies which was the first step to the 175 days of not gambling.
i know it can be frustrating listening to someone stop/start with their gambling but if you had of asked me 18 months ago what my goal was i would have said „to be at a place where i can put a bet on Saturdays, enjoy the banter and accept the losses” that was never going to possible and now my goal is to be in recovery, accept that recovery is for life and find the right tools to deal with negative gambling thoughts. i have shifted my mindset and the rest is a working process that i am still committed to.

[Névtelen]

Honestly man ive been there myself, I do have a genuine empathy with you.

Sometimes I think my posts are really directed at my former self.

I see so much of my former life described in the posts of most cg’s on here.

Really, the words we use, „slip” relapse” „blip” all amount to the same thing.

Thanks for posting back, did you get the bill paid?

[i-did-it]

We have all been there Eraser – it’s absolutely horrible .

I have had years of people kinda accepting I would slip.
Recently Geordie has been posting more regularly on my thread and despite wanting to slap him at times (lol) I really find his direct no bulls*** way of challenging me is exactly what I need. I no longer accept for myself that slips are an inevitable part of quitting .

I wrote on this site earlier that people go on and on about straight talking , about us not wanting to hear the things we need to – but they are so cryptic that mostly I have no idea what I am meant to be hearing except I feel put down and criticised for something I have written which has been picked apart and taken completely out of context .

With Geordie straight talking is straight talking – he tells it as it is – and he is able to do that cos he has beeen through it .
I think in his genuine desire to save us from the pain of relapse after relapse he can come across little over zealous at times , but if we see past that and really listen and hear – we can avoid this pain .
I guess the question is how well can we learn from the experience of others when it comes to addiction ?
Is it a journey we all have to travel ourselves ?
I don’t have the answer – I just hope Eraser you don’t have to feel this horrible pain again.
Saying a prayer for you tonight .

[Monica1]

Hi there,
Just a quick note to say that in my five and a half year addiction, I had umpteen relapses and long periods of abstinence. But that was exactly what it was, abstinence and not recovery. I hit rock bottom. Hopefully, you don’t have to do that. I have no,doubt that this addiction is progressive and will take us to hell. I am choosing recovery every day as I do not really have a choice if I want to survive and choose light and not the darkness. I am choosing life now even if things on day 65 are not that brilliant. For today I do not want to gamble. I cannot go back there, i really don’t want to. If you have ever read I am addiction, which is read at GA, please do. It is scary stuff but it is the truth and reality of addiction, I hope you find the strength and will 3raser to,walk the path of recovery.

[Jonny123987]

I hope this are going well for you 3racer. Sounds like you’re getting some stuff figured out. 🙂

[3raser]

today i gambled, i haven’t got quite enough money for bills as i of course gambled some of my pay day loan, i don’t have enough petrol for work, the dog has plenty of food and treats, i sold some minor things today to make enough to gamble to try and make up the bill money, i am taking more risks in my gambling so the odds are higher for pay out and even higher for losing (which i did). i find myself with no emotional attachment to winning or losing, it’s a strange feeling as normally i would be a wreck.
Anyway, i was reading back over Geordie’s comments and Monicau’s and i totally got it about abstaining and recovery and i realised that it’s right, i have never even started recovery, i only ever abstained, i was always destined to succumb to urges, it was totally nailed on ( in a non gambling sense) it’s actually given me hope to realise that i have been going about this all wrong ( big thanks for opening my eyes to that)
my small problem now is that i have no idea about recovery so i have googled it and i think my best first step is to do some online talking with gamcare and maybe set up some counselling sessions. i did try to connect earlier but they seem to be super busy on a friday night so i will try tomorrow after work as i am working all weekend again, i think i am coming up to 4 weeks without a day off but i want to clear my new debts up before the new year, i am exhausted but at least i am lucky enough to have the option to make a bit extra money as many arent so lucky.
i have £28 to last me 12 days (i also have a weeks worth of food in the house) i had picked out some bets for tomorrow to try and turn that into enough money to pay the bills but i realised, i am only £100 short, i get paid about 4 days after they are due so it’s not really that big a deal, was i actually amplifying it in my mind to almost justify gambling?
tomorrow i am going to use that £28 to put £23 of juice in the car which leaves me £5 for some fresh produce ( i hear it’s good for the overall well being of your mind) i am not going to gamble or justify the need to, the bills will get paid a few days late and that’s that.
tomorrow afternoon i am hoping to do some more work around what recovery actually means to a CG but for now i need to try and sleep as i am up at 04:00 for work 🙁

[vera]

…to winning or losing.
I can relate to that 3raser, towards the end I was totally NUMB!
I think at this stage it means that gambling has taken over completely.
No buzz.
No pleasure,
No pain.
No reaction.
Just like a zombie.
Time to reclaim your true self, one day at a time.
Don’t bother looking up the meaning of recovery.
Just postpone the next bet.
If you were hemorrhaging would it be your priority to discover the cause?
Stop the hemorrhage.
Stop the gambling.
Just for today.
When you start recovery, you will know. You won’t have to do any research .

[Névtelen]

I’m not going to go on like I did last week Eraser suffice to say, its no real surprise you’ve gambled again.

It is hard, bloody hard. I do appreciate that.

I get what you were saying in your last post about you came here hoping that you could ultimately end up just doing your footy bets on a Saturday.

It took me years, literally years, to accept that I couldn’t ever do that. I do understand how you felt, I have a complete understanding of how you feel at the minute.

You cant force recovery, it just happens. It happens when we realise that we need to change a lot more than just not gambling.

I am off to work now, if I get time through the night I’ll try and post a bit more.

After gambling again, after I had been free of it for a few days, or weeks. I would have hours if not days of not sleeping and calling myself a stupid fat c*** for doing it again. Doesn’t serve any purpose to beat yourself up about it.

Try and get some sleep. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and if you can remain focused and you genuinely can accept that just can not gamble ever again, you will beat this.

Take care.

Geordie.

[Névtelen]

It took courage to come and post about this, maybe you’ve posted out of desperation, but whatever the reason you’re here. You can use this site to your advantage it will help you if you want it to.

[Névtelen]

How’s it gone today eraser?

Like I said yesterday, I do totally get what you said, about at first thinking that you could learn enough to be able just to get your Saturday football coupons on.

Over time though I have had to learn to accept that I just cannot gamble at all. The Saturday thing was very hard to accept. But now it’s just another day to me. I hardly ever listen to the football, or watch Soccer Saturday it used to be a way of life to me. I now feel comfortable looking at the day’s fixtures and the results, but I look at the fixtures on a Saturday morning not the day or week before. I always check the results too, the big difference is I never think “I would have done them, I would have won” or “such and such got beat, I would have lost”.

That to me is acceptance. Acceptance that I am completely powerless against gambling. No two ways about it, gambling is the boss. I’m a sensible bloke. Until it comes to gambling. I just cannot handle it at all. When I gamble it takes over my life, the longer I gamble the more powerless I become, the more it takes over. Because of this hold it has over me my life had become completely unmanageable for me. When you were saying last week about living on boiled rice mate, I thought to myself, “He’s bloody lucky”. Of course you’re not mate, but honestly I’ve seen the time I’ve had absolutely nowt to eat, no milk, no tea bags, no bread. I have honestly once eaten a tin of cold peas, not beans, bloody peas! I continued to do this to myself until I accepted 100% that my life had become unmanageable because of the fact I was powerless against gambling. I’d get into recovery or abstinence for weeks or months even and then I’d end up gambling again even knowing I risked ending up like that again. It is utter madness to think you can be in such a desperate state for weeks or longer, then as soon as you have money the first thing you do, isn’t feed yourself its go to the bloody bookies. I would never think I was going to end up in Shit Street again, I was convinced I would win, no two ways about it. It owed me, but only this time when I’ve won, (not this time If I win, but when I win), I’ll walk away with my winnings. Deluded. Crazy.

Eventually I learned to accept that I just could not gamble. It took me years to actually believe this. Some people say that the longer you live without gambling the easier it becomes, in some respects that is true I suppose, but for me I found the longer I went without it the more I convinced myself that I had the upper hand. I was in charge I wasn’t powerless against gambling anymore because I wasn’t doing it, how was I powerless against? Because I had learned to live without it I must have learned how to walk away from it, take it or leave it. It would be okay now to have a bet, it had no control over me. I’ve found out though that the longer I went without it, and then decided to go back, the harder I fell. The more destitute I would become. The more of an utterly pathetic position I would put myself in.

I wouldn’t say I live in fear of gambling these days but I am aware, very aware, that I am still powerless against it, and it will **** my life up just like it always has done. I will always be powerless against it. I don’t really know if I view it as an illness, (it is bloody sick mind you), but I know I am a compulsive gambler and I will be for the rest of my life. Of course gambling holds no power whatsoever over me until I place a bet. Accepting what I am, a CG, and that I am powerless against it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

You have gotten yourself into this desperate position now eraser, please learn from it. You mightn’t think things could get any worse for you. They certainly could and probably will if you don’t get your head screwed on. Sometimes, (most of the time), it’s hard to put your finger on why you even had another bet and started the madness off again, for me it’s like I just ended up doing it. I had no intention of gambling, I just went out to get some bread and ended up in the bookies. Bollix. Why was it necessary to take a pocket full of money, just to get some bread?

I will, I suppose always write posts like the one wrote to you last week, whether to a stranger or to somebody I’ve known for ages. I know though that you won’t learn from my mistakes. My hope is that you might learn from the things I’ve done right. The things I’ve incorporated into my life. I’m not cured mate, this time next week or tomorrow I could easily be in your position if I take my foot of the gas. No doubt about it, I don’t need to see if I can gamble in a controlled way, I know I can’t, I know once it’s back in my life I would be powerless against it, and my life would be unmanageable. I’ve been to prison five times eraser, first time for six months, then twice for 12 months then an 18 month. All those sentences in about 5 or 6 years. Like my gambling, the crimes I done got progressively worse, every single one of them out of desperation because I was gagging to gamble. Where is the sense in that? Did I learn from that, no I bloody didn’t. I thought I had, but still I’d test the water. 17 years after the 18 month sentence I committed the most serious crime I had ever done, and back to jail I went. That’s only a small part of what gambling has done to me. Why did I go back to jail after 17 years? Just because I could not accept that I was powerless against gambling.

Not everybody is going to end up as bad as that mate, some people will have the common sense and realise they are powerless against it long before they start committing crimes. The foolish ones though will think, “That’ll never happen to me, I’ll stop before it gets that bad”. There are no guarantees with gambling mate.

Accepting you are powerless against it, and that your life has become unmanageable because of it, is step one in GA’s 12 step programme. I firmly believe that until any CG truly accepts that, and accepts that will never change then they are always going to **** things up. Don’t ever think you’re doomed to it, I don’t believe that any one is, nobody has to put up with that shite, but until you truly accept the fact you are powerless against it, I think you will always have urges. I am terrible at fighting urges, I can honestly say I havn’t had one at all this year I think that is because I wholeheartedly accept I can not do it. Gambling never gave me what I thought it did, quite the opposite, why would I get the urge for something that wrecks my life. The excitement? The rush? Utter nonsense. To me, if it still excites you or gives you that rush there must be things in your life that need to be dealt with. It is an escape, but whatever we are escaping from will still be there once we’ve put our self in the shite.

Having been in Shit Street so many times eraser, even if what I’ve written above makes perfect sense to you, (first time for everything), I would imagine your head keep jumping back to your immediate situation. Here you are with no money til payday, loads of debt feeling a complete ****, and some random bloke on the internet preaching about acceptance and powerlessness. You’ve got food, you’ve got fuel in the car and you’ve got a job. If you can, use the time before payday to exclude from even more bookies, I haven’t read all your thread eraser to be honest, I don’t know your circumstances, I don’t know if you’ve tried GA or counselling. But if you are deadly serious about wanting to stop this please consider getting the extra help. One thing that is proven time and time again is you cannot beat this alone. For me, my breakthrough came when I learned to talk and open up, when I’ve been desperate mate I even rang the Samaritans. It’s a hard thing to do and not for everybody. Gamcare also have a telephone service.

I hope that you managed to get your car fuelled up, and that you’ve managed to get your day 1 out of the way.

Let’s hope that it’s the last day 1 one you ever have to endure.

Take care.

Geordie.

[3raser]

today i gambled, i put some juice in the car (barely enough to last till pay day) and i gambled the rest which was to last me 2 weeks…i feel empty, actually i dont feel empty, i’m just empty. i know i dont want to gamble and i’m in no means feeling sorry for myself about it but the physical strength that it has on me right now is unbelievable, it’s like all those cartoons you watch when you are little ( and a little grown up too ) when there’s a dark cloud or spirit that consumes the good character making them evil but it’s not really them, it’s just the invasion of something bad.
Anyway i can imagine Geordie right now flinging his arms skywards and looking on this post in despair 😉 but i do have a more positive side to add to all this. i contacted netline tonight, it took me ages to pluck up the courage cos i didnt have a clue what my opening line was going to be but i needn’t have worried as the adviser was really calming and positive, she has referred me for counselling as she thinks thats the best place for me to start and i agree, i think i get 6-10 sessions and they fund it so i really want to make the most of that opportunity and it feels good that seeking proper help.
Geordie thanks again for taking the time to put so much into getting your message across, it may not always come across right but that may be more to do with how ready someone is to listen, i think the fact that you put so much emotion into your emails just means that you are coming from a good place and i wouldnt be looking for a place of recovery if you hadnt posted so thank you i truly hadnt made the connection between abstinence and recovery, as for your last post i really connected to a lot of that, obviously some of the gambling traits i could see in myself but also a picture of what rock bottom really looks like and it’s a place that anyone can find themselves at, while i have a roof over my head and work then it’s not rock bottom but it so easily can be, you have been through so much due to this addiction that it becomes more clear why you across so strongly in your posts.
i am going to delete a sports app off my phone in a minute so that i cant get enticed by randomly having a look to see what matches are on, i didnt think an app was a big deal but the thought of deleting it automatically brings up something that is arguing against me so i know it has to go.
tomorrow i have no money to gamble but i have things to sell so i have to be on my guard, i dont want to gamble as i want to enter into therapy sessions by already putting in some work.
up in a few hours for work (again ) i havent had a day off since the end of september so hopefully i can start replacing some of my losses.

[3raser]

it’s amazing to think that you was once in this situation, living one day to the next as that seems so far from the place you are at right now in your life. you words always land with such warmth, insight and knowledge for which i am truly grateful for

[Névtelen]

Look mate, it is what it is.

You are a normal person we all are, and you make a good analogy about the cartoon.

Counselling can be great, the more honest you are the more you’ll get out of it.

Get rid of that app mate, and please don’t go selling your stuff. I know when desperation sets in logic flies out of the window but man, say you raised £100 selling your stuff. And then you won, even £1000 from it, is that going to solve anything. Would you pay your loan off, fill your cupboards, buy your stuff back? Your distorted gambling brain might tell you that you would. But in reality if that happened and you won, youd want to win more you wouldnt be happy til its gone.

Aye, I’m flinging my arms upwards but not saying „FFS MAN!” They’re flung upwards and I’m saying „halle(bloody)lujah” that your getting some counselling and deleting your app.

But dont it again I’m getting too old for writing them long posts.

I’m obviously not pleased you’ve gambled again but if that’s what its taken to get you some counselling sorted then its not just the same old story.

[Jonny123987]

Hey 3Racer – Fist off I Want to apologize to you if anything I have said to you in the past has upset you. Geordie pointed out that I shouldn’t have talked about investing with you. And maybe he was right. I apologize if that was a bad thing to do.
I’m really sorry to read that you gambled again and that your struggling so hard. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been in your shoes and know a similar feeling. It’s a dull feeling. Like nothing matters. Your not hungry, your not full, your not happy, your not sad…. your just null to everything. I hated myself.
I know you can combat this disease. But you do have to stop. I’ve always had a hard time not saying the truth. I’ve never been one to beat around the bush.
Why do you continue to place wagers when you are certain it’s wrong? You and I are where we are because we couldn’t say no to gambling. You stopped for 175 days. You can do this again. No matter what happens just know that gambling isn’t ever the answer. In fact it’s the incorrect answer to all questions or feelings. Definitely delete the sports app. It’s just an app. I would also refrain from watching sports for a time being. Who cares what happens in some game on some team filled with a bunch of millionaires. I sure know those athletes don’t care to watch us work. Sports can be fun to watch once you have control of yourself again. I watched the Super Bowl last year and it was really good. Besides that I haven’t really watched any sports. I’ve watched an inning or so of a baseball game if in the bar or something. I know for me I had to tune out for a time being. The truth is I’m not sure I really like watching sports that much now that I abstain from gambling. Seems a bit meaningless. Tomorrow is day 1 for you.

[3raser]

right now i want to gamble, well i don’t want to gamble but the urge is there. as i was driving home from work they mentioned a match that was on later and how it’s set it to have goals blah blah…talk about trigger point and have already decided to sell something small that i can easily replace but will give me enough petrol for work as i don’t think i have enough till pay day and a little bit left for some food if needed. i decided i was going tomorrow to sell but then i was thinking, ok if i can go today then i can put a bet on, on the way back. i had a bit of a face off with my demon and decided i was going to log in here and tap it out of my system on the keyboard until it passes. i really want to go into therapy showing that i am serious by abstaining until then, i have an opportunity and i want to work at it to get what i can from it and start a journey of recovery.
stupid thing is that i am at the point where i can only put a few quid in and get an insignificant amount back yet without gambling it’s enough for petrol and food.
i have just finished day 6 of the 10 extra shift days that i wanted to do to pay some of the money i had wasted but now it’s more like 15 to do due to recent gambling. i havent had a day off since september and are exhausted but it’s good to learn some appreciation back of the money i waste

[3raser]

Jonny please don’t apologise as i know that it was coming from a good place, that you was trying to help me away from the sports betting that i am addicted to, i did read it and think that it wasnt a good idea for me as i would only use it as a distraction to facing up to the reasons why i am gambling and inevitably i would end up gambling again. i know nothing about it so i dont feel an urge to go and check it out or have a go and i know i wont. please dont worry, i have followed your journey and i wish i was still a couple of days behind you but it’s nice knowing you are going forward with this addiction 🙂

[i-did-it]

You want to gamble but you haven’t you have posted on here instead.
You can decide not to gamble for the rest of today.
That’s all any of us can do on here .
We are all as close to our next bet as you are . Every single one of us no matter how much free time we have clocked up .
We are all the same – and we all have the same ability to put it off for today
Check out the GA site – there is lots of literature (top right corner of page) which U can read – I never tire of reading it and get something new from it each time
. Hope this helps .

[Névtelen]

Hope you didn’t have a change of heart yesterday mate.

It’s never going to be the answer. We go to sme lengths to get that bet on sometimes.

Once, and only once, so I know its not going to work every time. I had a bit of a Eurica moment. About half two on a Saturday, I had been humming and harring all day about the footy, I had about thirty quid to my name. „ah feck it” I thought and started looking for my shoes „If I win I can do this that and the other, if I lose I’ll not be any worse off” I was thinking.

Both stupid lies to myself, if I won it would have gone straight in the FOBT’s, If it lost I’d have no food money.

I couldnt find my shoes I got in a panic, I started sweating I had less than half an hour til kick off. I was like a headless chicken running around looking for my shoes.

Then I thought, this is mental why am I in such a panic to get the bet on, I was like a smack head gagging for a fix. Then I laughed at myself for being like this I asked what is the worst possible thing that can happen if I dont get the bet on? The answer I got was I might miss a win..ffs man, I’ve had loads of them in my life, what did I have to show for it?

Nothing bad was going to happen if I didnt get the bet on. As sure as eggs is eggs plenty bad things could happen if I did.

Wish I could say that what my defining moment, and I never gambled again, it wasn’t, but could have and should have been. I didnt live happily ever after.

But that day I didn’t gamble. I tore my coupons up so I couldnt check to see if I’d won.

Back to work for me now mate.

You’re working like a dog eraser, I hope you can resist selling your belongings mate..every time you do you’re a step closer to destitution.

Sorry for stating the obvious, I should have a phd in it.

Just for today mate…dont gamble, you owe it to youreslf.

[Jonny123987]

Try to get day one under your belt again. One day at a time.

[3raser]

hi i-did-it i didn’t actually know that GA had stuff to read on their site, i like to read literature esp when i connect to it so i will check that out..thank you
i slept until the shop shut that i sell my stuff to so there was no chance of putting a bet on yesterday 🙂

[3raser]

hey Geordie, yeah a PHD would come easy to you in that subject 😉 you are so right though and that’s exactly how i would be putting a bet on, that line you wrote „what’s the worst that can happen if i don’t put a bet on” and „i might win, i’ve had loads of them and what do i have to show for it” is such a good statement as a gambler forgets that wins arent actually wins anymore.
i didn’t gamble yesterday, i really want to have a some days abstaining before i start therapy for recovery.
selling my stuff sucks but i am only selling small stuff that i can easily replace, today i am going to sell my fire stick which will give me enough money for petrol as i don’t have enough till payday. i will replace it though as it was a gift and i feel cheap as shit selling something that someone bought me but i need to on this occasion
today i wont gamble

[Névtelen]

It’s not nice being in your position but I imagine waking up this morning wasn’t quite as bad as waking up after another gambling day.

That feeling you described last week, when you wake up on a new day and for thirty seconds or so it feels normal. But then woosh! It hits you like a ton of bricks „FFS I’ve done it again” that to me was one of the worst feelings in the world but panic sets in almost straight away. For me that would be a feeling I’d want to run from, I didn’t want to deal with my mess. Where do you start. Most times I’d start by thinking of ways to get even more money to gamble with and then I’d be away again. That’s no life man.

I think you’re right to have a few clean days under your belt before you start looking at deeper therapy, because immediately after gambling, if you’re anything like I was, you wouldn’t be wanting to be looking at radical life changing decisions, you only want to get out of the predicament your in..you want your money back, and then you’ll stop. The bloke under the addiction knows without a doubt that its a load of cobblers, but because you’ve been gambling the addiction is still all over you. You don’t think straight, you make stupid decisions.

Its a sickly feeling to have to sell anything, but the more you do it the less of a stigma it becomes, You feel as cheap as shit, and to be honest so you should, I hope that you replace that as soon as you possibly can.

Not every CG goes on to commit crime, but the ones who do, that I’ve met, including myself, didn’t start off as criminals and then gambled the proceeds. We started off just like you. Feeling shit when we’ve ended up selling things, the longer we didn’t address our gambling the more things we sold, the more we done it the less that feeling of being as cheap as shit. We accepted that feeling eventually it was normal. When we had none of our own stuff to sell, we’d steal other peoples. The things got progressively worse. I went to prison the first time for shoplifting and then taking the stuff back for a refund. Not my first offence but my first custodial. The crimes got more and more severe over time. Burglary, fraud and deception. I don’t know how many convictions, I’ve actually had to be honest but well over 50. Mate I was a slow learner.

I’m not saying this will happen to you, most people will get it in control well before then. But I never ever thought I would go that way, its all down to one thing..gambling. You have feelings mate, you have remorse. Don’t hide from them feelings, learn from them.

Fight the urges this week they will come, probably thick and fast. I don’ t know if you read p’s thread but she explains that on some days its too hard to even attempt to get through the day, so instead of 1 day at a time try doing it for an hour at a time if you need to.

Yesterday was a success to you and sleeping til the shop shut was a great idea. The people that own them shops whether its a national chain like cash converters or a local second hand shop, love us sorts of people they love an addict. Well they would, wouldn’t they we feed their families and pay for their holidays.

Mate I always look on the dark side with gambling, I’m really sorry you went back after 175 days, and then even though you battled with it again for a couple of weeks, you had let it back in. Dont make 176 a target, just plod along, one at a time.

Like I said you might not end up like I did, but why take that chance?

Accept it is always always going to beat us, no two ways about it.

Its great its day 2 today man do your best to make sure its day 3 tomorrow and not another day one.

Take care.

[3raser]

i wonder if some people are shocked at the lengths a gambler will go to just to get enough to get that bet on, when i read things of your past Geordie i know i haven’t got there but i believe it wouldn’t take too much to reach those lengths, when you read about a heroin addict the traits are quite similar yet finding help is a lot harder.
so i was going to sell my fire stick today but they wouldn’t accept it as it’s a european plug, i tried to pawn my games console but they wouldn’t accept it due to the fact it has no control pad ( i sold that a few weeks ago) so then panic mode set in as i have now just wasted petrol that i didn’t have to waste. i have spent the last few hours stressing about this and i put an expensive watch on facebook that hopefully is going to sell tonight. i can’t believe i am in this position where i work so many hours and can’t afford £10 to put in the car.
on the plus side the office where i am going to get therapy from phoned today and said i will be doing a 45 min assessment over the phone this week and then take it from there so that is moving along quite quickly which is what i need. one day at a time and so far today i have not gambled

[i-did-it]

Keep writing on here all day Eraser- go to the groups which are on tonight- distract yourself all night long and go to bed with another gamble free day under ur belt

[3raser]

it has become a real battle but i read everyone’s tips and i know that as hard as it is, the choice is always mine and each day i need to try and make the right choice. i’m working tonight so that should provide a distraction at least 🙂

[Névtelen]

Eraser did you know that if you have £1 in your bank the pay at pump at the big supermarkets let you fill up ? Obviously you then end up overdrawn, desperate times desperate measures.

The bank will be ok I promise you if you only do it once.

[3raser]

so if i only have a £1 then i can put £20 in? just checked my account and i only have 0.88p left of my £500 overdraft so typically on this occasion that wont work, i’d be nervous if i filled up that it declined and i would have a visit from the police. Hopefully i won’t need to try that in the future but it’s definitely worth knowing

[3raser]

i cant see the last couple of messages you wrote on here but i have read them on my email so i just want to say thanks for kind offer to get me some petrol in my car but i have sold a watch ( it was a bit too big for and i didn’t wear it ) someone is coming for it tomorrow which means i dont have to sell the fire stick, that bothered me most as it was a gift, so the plan is to fill up tomorrow.
i probably was a decent bloke in a former life but in this one i am female ;), never got round to mentioning that earlier as it was of no relevance to me but based on your last compliment i thought i had better point that out 🙂
thanks again Geordie

[Névtelen]

A decent blokess then!

I call everybody man, its a Geordie thing.

🙂

[3raser]

🙂 i have no issues with the Geordie „thing ” just thought i would probably be better letting you know when it came to „being a decent bloke” 😉 still a compliment either way though so i’m still claiming it!
well i am at work now and have successfully completed day 2 and i think the therapist is calling tomorrow so i am looking forward to getting the ball rolling on that one

[Jonny123987]

Hi 3racer – Another day gamble free? Don’t give into the rush/gamble. It’s a falsehood.

[Névtelen]

I hope it is.

How did your phone call go, did you manage to arrange anything?

[3raser]

have stayed away from looking at football and i if i do over the weekend my plan is to look AFTER the event and not before.
i have just had my assessment for counselling and it went really well, made me feel really at ease and recommended 12 sessions that gamcare are going to pay for. i know the road is long and i have a lot of work to put into this but i feel that i have been given an opportunity to really get into this addiction and turn it on it’s head. anyone that is thinking about it and are not sure, you don’t have to do face to face ( although i opted for this option) you can do phone or skype sessions.
i have some money going into my account on saturday from paypal and some money tonight from the sale of a watch, this is the first opportunity i will have to gamble since saturday but i am ok with this as i am going to focus on paying a couple of my bills off and getting some food and petrol and not listen to monster inside of me

[i-did-it]

Well done 3raser,
You have taken many positive steps to stay gamble free.
The counselling sounds really good.
Keep strong !

[3raser]

today was interesting, i got more for my watch than was expecting yesterday £50 in total which is more than i needed and i actually felt a little nervous about this. Today i put more than i needed in the car, went to the pet shop for some treats (for the dog not me) and then went to Aldi ( the supermarket of conversation at the moment ) and bought 2 bags full of fresh produce and some extras like juice, bread and a big pack of fresh chicken for the dog and some other stuff for a grand total of £12.41 🙂 i find in Aldi’s case that cheaper isn’t poor quality as their produce has more taste to it unlike supermarkets that actually change the DNA of fresh produce to make it bigger and last longer as that’s what they think the customer wants and another interesting fact, if you have a calorie counting app on your phone, if you scan some of the stuff in aldi’s it actually comes up as Tesco. i actually work for one of the biggest chocolate and candy manufacturers and years ago we used to make a lot of the stuff for the supermarkets even value stuff, it was no different just in different packaging so don’t be deceived by low prices 😉
anyway with that all done and feeling accomplished and a few quid left in my pocket i thought „well a little bet won’t hurt and i can’t chase as i have no more money” (my gambling voice of reason) i have a lot of work to do to recover and i want with all my being to abstain from gambling until i start recovery so i nipped to Tesco and although i could have bought something i didn’t need i actually got some bits and put it in the food bank holder, it was actually Monicau’s post that got me thinking about that and i also bought heinz beans as i took on board her point about it being all frills stuff and some tesco noodles and biscuits, i actually did this from a selfish point of view to make sure i didnt have money for gambling but it got me thinking, a few days ago i was panicking as i had little food and petrol and no money for 2 weeks, last month i went without food for a few days and it was hell, i am lucky as i have the choice at the moment not to be in that situation but so many people are in that situation every day of their lives. by me not gambling in the future means i will be in a healthy position to help out with food donations which has got to be a lot more rewarding than gambling.
today i will not gamble

[Monica1]

Well done on not gambling! Like many I thought you were of the male gender too! Plus thanks for educating me on clearly my bias towards Aldi and Lidl. We live and learn….

[3raser]

who would have thought that Aldi would become such a topic of debate on GT site haha. In all seriousness you can eat healthy on a very low budget until you get back on your feet. when you shop at big supermarkets, all you do is line big share holders pockets with ridiculous amount of money, leave some of it in your own pocket 😉
i hope today is a good day for you, i read over your posts earlier and got to carvery and thought mmmmm
i think until we know the specific gender or a anonymous writer/animal/baby we always presume „he”. i have definitely leaned into a pram and made the comment of „oh he’s beautiful” much to the dismay of the parents 🙂

[i-did-it]

I also worked in the food industry when I was a student – the standards in these factories was so high – u would have been sent home if you had a hair showing under your hair net.
So first we prepared for a posh store then a cheaper – the difference – we cut a bit thinner and used different boxes.
Well done on making good choices with that money 3raser

[p]

IM lazy i type 3 hope thats ok, hence my name P..

I just want to say well done on choosing food over gambling.. you said you were being selfish by doing that.. good god no.. you are being smart and tricking that addiction right back..
Good on you for doing that.. that voice that says hey i dont have much il just put a bet on is the addictive voice wanting a feed that is all.. the recovery voice is the one that got the food.. listen to the recovery voice, the addictive voice will get softer and the recovery voice will get louder the longer you go.. keep going..

P

[Névtelen]

Hope you’re sticking to your guns.

It’s Saturday, just another day.

Remember, what’s the worst that’ll happen if you don’t get a bet on?

What ever it is, it’ll be a lot worse if you do.

An hour a time if necessary.

Am sure you’ll cope. 🙂

[3raser]

i remember one of your answers to this question about missing out on a win, that you’ve had plenty of those and look where it’s got you, kind of stuck in my head that as it’s so damn right. a win to me means that a loss is soon to be inevitable!
P, i am certainly ok with you calling me 3 🙂 i am just grateful that people stop by and comment and i really take on board what everyone says.
so i am on day 7 today and wow that has gone quick, Saturday is a twitchy day for me, i made sure not to look at any matches listed today as that could be a trigger point but i have just had a look at some scores, a lot of goals which made my little demon awaken in sleepy mode but i have managed to put it back to sleep. i was on night shift last night so i slept all morning and then i have been doing some major cleaning, it’s quite apparent that you have to replace the time you spent on gambling with something else, cleaning isn’t the worst thing i could be doing.
i have also noticed feelings of loneliness and a bit of self pity which isn’t really me but i was expecting this to creep up so i am ok with it.
no word from my councillor yet but i was told the end of last week beginning of next so that’s ok. i have a focus which i didn’t have before and i know i have said it before but i can’t thank Geordie enough for getting all grrr on me and pointing out that i never even started recovery yet. really could be a life changing lesson for me.
today i am not going to gamble

[p]

One week free yipppeeee.. well done.. it all adds up , the time goes by.. its worth it , keep going

P

[Jonny123987]

good job. Let your feelings out. That’s a good thing. But just focus on the last line you wrote. I will not gamble today. Say it enough and it just is.
Anytime I’m even around gambling I just don’t entertain it. Gambling seems like a sure way to ruin a good time or any time for that fact. My brother wanted to bet $1 on miniature golf the other day… I said that I don’t gamble anymore. Lets just play for fun. 🙂 And we did and it was…
All the thoughts, questions, and theories go out the window when you just decide that you aren’t gong to gamble anymore. If you can’t do it then you don’t. It’s not a game with rules. It is or isn’t. Does that make sense?

[Jonny123987]

good job. Let your feelings out. That’s a good thing. But just focus on the last line you wrote. I will not gamble today. Say it enough and it just is.
Anytime I’m even around gambling I just don’t entertain it. Gambling seems like a sure way to ruin a good time or any time for that fact. My brother wanted to bet $1 on miniature golf the other day… I said that I don’t gamble anymore. Lets just play for fun. 🙂 And we did and it was…
All the thoughts, questions, and theories go out the window when you just decide that you aren’t gong to gamble anymore. If you can’t do it then you don’t. It’s not a game with rules. It is or isn’t. Does that make sense?

[Jonny123987]

I might lien it to jumping off a very high bridge. It is or isn’t. You’ve jumped off the bridge and you know it hurts and can potentially kill you. There’s the bridge… Do you want to jump again?

[3raser]

thanks Jonny & P it feels good but i also know that i have been at this place before and although i wont be as complacent again, it still is only one bad decision away from messing up but i also think it’s good to keep remembering that.
yesterday was day 7 of the 10 extra days that i committed myself to working to pay back some of my lost funds, well it’s actually now 15 since my last binge but i am getting there, haven’t had a day off since september and its tiring but i keep telling myself that 2 extra days of working is what i would lay down in a single bet without a second thought. Thursday is the when i get paid and i start to see some of those extra days, yes i am nervous but i plan to put some it into my savings account which i can never do when i am gambling and i am expecting to start therapy around soon so i have help in place to prevent that money going to the bookies, i actually don’t think i could bare to part with it in that way due to connection i am now making with hours worked to amount gambled.
today i will not gamble 🙂

[i-did-it]

You are doing really well 3raser.
I actually thought for ages your Name was Eraser ! Lol!

Just keep remembering that you are powerless over gambling once you put that first bet on.
Until then u hold the power of choice.
It is really hard but Geordie pointed out on my thread that relapses are not inevitable. If you think they’re is the slightest chance you might relapse on Thursday – if you have left the slightest door- open close it now .
Put your cards in the post and let them arrive back with you a few days later ? I used it find in the absolute relief and joy of payday finally arriving I soon forgot all my pledges .
You are doing so well- keep taking own day at a time but glance forward a little and visualise the Christmas you will have with a little money behind you .
Remember our brains are built differently than others – we have as much power over our minds when we gamble as someone with a nut allergy has over their body …ONCE THEY TAKE THAT FIRST BITE!
Don’t take that first bite – it’s hard but you can do it – you are doing it right now .
Relapses are not inevitable – just accept that powerlessness and the fact that your body is different from someone who can bank a win or accept a loss and walk away .
So glad to read you are doing so well and sounding so determined !

[3raser]

thanks i-did-it i am starting to connect with the powerless only when we place the first bet statement, i didn’t really get it before.
day 11, pay day at midnight tonight and i feel good about it, i cant wait to transfer into my savings account, won’t be much but that’s not important, the rest is going to pay last months gambling debts and although its annoying, at least i am not sat there wondering how am i going to pay everyone like i usually am on payday.
felt good this morning, slept well and went for a long walk in the woods before i go to work in an hour. i wondered why i feel ok and despite trying to get loads of vitamins into my body to make up for the last six months of poor nutrition, i realised that yesterday the first appointment was made with my counsellor which is next tuesday after work, nervous and looking forward to it at the same time and i think it’s what’s actually helping me abstain. i am a little curious to why i have been allocated 12 sessions instead of the 6-10 that is normally recommended.
i am hoping to be working all weekend again too, that will equate to 9 of the 15 extra days i set myself to regain some of my lost finances, exhausting but yet another valuable lesson as 1 working saturday is what i would place on a single bet, several times a day if i could get my hands on the money. i have gambled some serious working hours but for today
i will not gamble! 🙂

[vera]

will come and go like any other day, 3racer
Keep your guard up and stay a step ahead.
Good luck with the counselling.
Keep posting.

[Névtelen]

It’s payday, its only another day though. Like a Saturday, the first day of the football season, The grand national, day, all just single days.

You can get through one, you can get through them all.

It is nothing short of lunacy how we can suffer for weeks on end after our last gambling binge, live in poverty and desperation, borrow money to eat, run out of credit on our phones, sell our belongings just to survive. But all through this we build up a resilience or determination to never gamble again. I was certain of it. But. and it’s a but that I know hasn’t just happened to me…As soon as that money hits our account, the mindset changes.

What harm will £20 do? then just another tenner, another 20. Bloody hell thats fifty quid gone, I’ll double it up quickly and that’ll be it…Shit thats a hundred quid gone….So so easy to let it fool you again.

When I had monthly pay I used to pay my biggest bill first on payday, usually as soon as I woke up. Once that had been paid I felt relieved, the gambling thoughts that might have been lurking were knocked back a peg or two….it was like I’d spent my gambling money on the rent!!

I hope you get your money safely into your savings account..you’re doing really well, and its great that you’ve got your counselling so quickly.

Counselling can be great, the more that you put into it, the bigger the benefit it will be to you.

The clearer your head is going into it, the better it will be. There is no need to be embarrassed about anything what is said between you and the counsellor will be kept in the strictest of confidence.

You have this great opportunity to get your life back in order, you are more than capable of getting this sorted.

I’m really pleased for you that you’ve managed to get through to payday without letting yourself get sucked further in.

I’m not posting as much on here at the minute..but I do read everyday and its been great reading your thread these last 10 days..I’m pleased for you.

Keep it up man. (woman)!

[Jonny123987]

Sounds awesome 3racer! Keep up the good work!

[Névtelen]

How’d payday go? I hope you were able to treat it just like the last ten, just another day.

Be good to hear how it went. I know that even the strongest of us can find the temptation too much at first.

Whatever today has brought you, it’d be good to know. And it’s not such a good thing to go to your counselling assessment whilst bottling things up, however trivial, It’s good to talk. Sometimes it can take a while to get a reply, but the most important thing, I think, is to get things off your chest.

I don’t think for a minute you’ve been gambling, I don’t sit and ponder these things. But I know some people do, especially in the first month or two, and, as you know some after several months. When people do unfortunately end up gambling they usually find it too embarrassing or feel a sense of shame. I used to think people just expected me to fail. I expected me to fail most times. I probably wanted to fail sometimes too. Whether through a sense of shame, or not wanting to hear the same advice again, we avoid rather than tackle. Lots of people stop posting, when you do post its usually earlier in the day, just with it being payday thought I’d look in and was a bit suprised you hadnt posted.

The madness that is compulsive gambling!

Your posts have been positive and encouraging this week, remember how you felt selling your belongings..a big difference to then. Such a big difference in just two short weeks, well ten individual todays.

Keep talking…it’s good to talk.

[Jonny123987]

Nice of you Geordie to check in with racer. What’s up Racer? You all good? Geordie made a good point. I was there a while back and it is hard.

[i-did-it]

Hi 3racer,
I disagree that payday is like any other day .
It is a huge day when you are skint and waiting on it .
The relief is enormous when it finally arrives and you feel rich again.
It’s amazing how quickly the pain disappears and we feel our luck is in again.
It’s the gambler’s fallacy of course – once we become convulsive gamblers out luck is permanently out because we are powerless to do anything except lose our hard earned cash .
I get what you mean about only understanding the concept of powerlessness now – it’s just words until it clicks with us.
I am just starting week six myself and after eight years of trying to stop I only get it now . The first payday once we stop is good – the second and you feel like a millionaire !

I hope you post soon and let us all know how it went .

[3raser]

so officially pay day today even though i was declaring it at midnight on Wednesday, it just sounded better to me.
i had all my overtime paid in and it felt nice for a minute until i had to catch up with last months bills, pay one of my 3 installments on my pay day loans before i even start on this months, having said that i given myself an allowance for the month, put a little into the savings, filled up the car and left a bit for any unknown charges which there is bound to be.
i would be lying if i said i hadn’t thought about gambling today, when i saw that money disappearing i did think about putting a bet on with low odds to try and re-coup some of that money but that was just the black shadow of manifestation within me (a.k.a the gambler) i actually felt a little selfish thinking that as well, as i know even on here, there’s people that would give anything to be able to work and be able to try and get on top of their debt, i have an opportunity as there hasn’t been extra shifts at work for a couple of years but due to a recent 2 week breakdown it’s been all hands on deck which ironically has come at a time when i needed it the most. it’s exhausting as i am working all weekend again but i also feel fortunate as without it i would be sat here now on payday with not enough to pay for last months gambling, i would be despairing and then i’d think „sod it, i don’t have enough money anyway so i may as well gamble what i do have and try and make some money” so no, i didn’t gamble and i thanked my lucky stars for making this month manageable.
i checked the football results tonight, not a good idea really but some of the matches i would have picked for my bets would have let me down so i would now be chasing! on the other hand if they had have won it may have triggered me into thinking my judgement is on point so it was ok this time but i am not sure that in this frame of mind it was the best idea.
i was thinking about relationships today and the prospect of having to tell someone that i meet that i am a (soon to be ) recovering gambler….one for another post but i wonder what people’s views are on complete openness?

i wanted to end with rather than starting with a big thank you to all posting on here and checking in. i have just finished work but wanted to connect with you all to say how much i appreciate your posts, i absorb everything like a sponge at the moment and i go onto your threads to see your journeys and you are all so inspirational just by being here.

[3raser]

just wanted to reply to this post, the way you explain gambling and that £20 that „can’t hurt” is exactly how i justify gambling, it’s almost like you are writing about me….oh wait, we are as one when it comes to gambling.
counselling is going to get everything i can put into it no matter how hard it gets 😉
i kinda got used to the man sign off…don’t change it ha

[3raser]

you started your journey 1 week in front of me, look how far you’ve come…thanks for checking in Jonny

[3raser]

i am always delighted to see you pop by, doesn’t seem like 2 minutes when i was hanging on every word of your thread when you was talking about xmas and how much more you get from it now and knowing one day i could feel like that. time flies and time heals

[3raser]

since last week i was checking online for my wage slip, counting the hours till some money went in. counting coppers up for some bread and as it is all rattling into the self service in Tesco, swearing that i am never going to be this bad again.
its only one bet away….if i let it
well done on 6 weeks, that’s really fantastic, do you have all the barriers in place to support you?

[i-did-it]

Hi Racer .
I have the following :
Got rid of my laptop – only have monitored work one
Drowned my iPad in the sink
Got betfilter for iPhone – which took many failed attempts to get set up right
Disconnected my PayPal account from my bank
Cut up my credit cards
Have only money in joint account with my husband and I have full access to this- but then so does he .
Got gambling blocked on wifi – hubby controls that

In truth none of these things are stopping me right now – it’s my change of mindset and accepting that I am powerless – I keep going on about this but I can’t believe I never got this before.

I have added in GA – well been to two meetings – not sure I find them all that useful but some little part of me loves to hear well done ! Lol!
You are also doing brilliantly – keep going with it – life is getting better and better for u !

[3raser]

haha did you actually purposely drown the ipad? shouldn’t laugh but i have to admit that it made me smile.

you can never go on too much about something that is true, the more times things are said the more it sinks in and th more it becomes a dawning realisation! Great example was Geordie pointing out to me about how i was using the words recovery and relapse each week, i thought i got what they meant, i used them as words often, i heard other people talk about them but only now have i just got it.

Hey, who doesn’t love to hear well done, right? as a gambler the only thing you hear is your inner voice calling you a fool so to hear praise is actually a big deal and i am honestly not just saying this but well done for going to GA, it is a daunting and scary thing to do, attending your first meeting, something that i am still putting off from doing so even if it is the smallest of things that you are getting from it, it is still positive

[Jonny123987]

Good work on not gambling. Woot!

[3raser]

today i took the dog out before work, as always do, we went through the woods, it’s a great walk and i have lost track of the number of times that i have walked through these woods.
i was listening to motivational monday songs (even though it’s Friday) watching and smiling as the dog ran through all the autumn leaves, the squirrels chancing looking for nuts before the next dog comes along and chases them back up a tree. I noticed all the different colours of Autumn and thought how beautiful it was, even a robin made an appearance, i said hello to numerous dog walkers (despite having my earplugs in which can sometimes be anti-social) and i was thinking, why is today such a nice walk? why have i only just noticed autumn? why is everyone so nice today? then i realised… my phone is in my pocket, i am not looking for matches with potential goals in them, i am not checking on scores, i am not checking my bank balance to see how much i can get my hands on for gambling. i am not walking with my head down, avoiding the world as i work out how i going to chase my last loss. i am not trying to hide from the world…i am looking up! i am seeing everything around me and smiling and people are wanting to say hello probably just like every other day.
today i will reflect on how much gambling robs us of life and today i will not gamble

[i-did-it]

Wow what a truly inspiring post !

[Jonny123987]

Sounds like a nice way to spend the day. 🙂 Heck yeah!

[Névtelen]

Howay Man.

What’s going on?

Be nice to see an update man,

[velvet]

Hi Racer
We used to have a great running thread entitled something like ‘a memory that pleased you or made you happy’ and many, many CGs and F&F contributed on both forums. Your post about your walk with your dog in the woods reminded me of that thread and in my mind I walked with you, your dog and my black Labrador?
It is so easy to get bogged down with the problems of life that we often forget to look around us and see the wonderful displays that nature lays on for us every day.

Keep looking up Racer, the view is always more rewarding.
You are doing great and I love reading your posts.
Velvet

[3raser]

i always feel…i’m not sure what i feel actually but i feel something positive when i see each and every comment, usually i am at work and it gives me a nice distraction.
i haven’t updated as i have been getting up at 04:00 for work and this really isn’t a time my body likes , my last day off was 28th of september and i have committed to doing the next 3 weekends and then that it, i will cut back, i am not sure that i truly make the connection with money earned to money gambled but i have done 9 extra gruelling shifts and it still isn’t what i could blow in a weekend, i don’t think it is sinking in as the true reality of that is more than i can process right now.
anyway i am day 18 and yesterday was my first day in therapy, my first day on the road to recovery and within 5 mins of being there i knew i was in the right place with the right person, i know some people have had a bad experience with gamcare and counselling but i believe it is all about connecting the right therapist to the right person, even if you are to seek one on your own doing, this is the most important thing to consider is your client-therapist relationship.
the therapist i am with is trained in gambling as an addiction (amongst other things ) which i think is important. so yesterday was tough ( i definitely wasn’t expecting it to be easy) i was able to be open and honest and i was surprised at how safe i felt to just open up but i am also aware that right now that is my only place that feels safe and i don’t want to fully feel safe as it is only a temporary place.
the session went so quick and i was told that it may feel shitty over the next few days as i process things that i have reflected on that i haven’t done in years, i was saying ” it’s ok, i don’t really get bogged down in old stuff, i’ll shake it off and it will be fine, see you next week” 10 mins later and BOOM the whole thing hits me, i even re-played the session in a dream last night, my whole day has been taken over by thoughts and i swear i have lost chunks of time where i have been lost in my thoughts. i actually don’t have room to think about gambling right now and i get moments where i feel down but i am not sure why right now, i am ok with it though as i was told that this is part of the process of therapy so it helps to know that. i am actually looking forward to going back next Tuesday and i feel hopeful that i can finally start a recovery process.
i keep saying i want my life back, even this thread has it as the opening title yet i actual don’t know who i am without gambling, i have gambled for so long that i only know the gambler…i wonder if i will get on with the real me, i wonder what my life looks like. one day at a time, today i did not gamble

[vera]

Counselling churns up a lot of emotions, 3Racer. You need to move slowly to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
I hear you on the money issue.
For me „gambling money” was totally separate from „everyday money”. In fact the G money was only ammunition to keep the wheels turning. Not money at all really. In recovery, you will learn to look at money differently. You will see it for what it is. You will learn to look on everything differently and will learn to see and accept the „real me”!

[Monica1]

Just to say I looked in on your journal and caught up. Like velvet I really liked your post on the walk in the woods. Very simple pleasures that were lost to us when gambling. I like your honesty. Well done!

[Névtelen]

Whey aye man!

I’m smiling after reading your post again. Counselling with the right person, I think, is priceless.

I’m pleased you remained gambling free leading up to it. I’m sure you could imagine you wouldn’t have benefitted as much if your head was full of football and worrying that you had no food or petrol.

The more you put in, the more you take it out. I found it made me feel really bad about the former me but really positive about my „new life”.

Pleased you’ve started it, and pleased you didn’t bugger off after my blunt post all those weeks ago. Shows you mean business.

[finding_laura]

Hey 3Racer,
just had a read of most of your thread. Good to be in a place where you are starting to get traction in your recovery. Your post about the walk in the woods shows us just how much time we waste thinking about gambling and all of the consequences that it caused, not just the time we spend actually doing the deed! Counseling helped me redefine myself. Process old feelings. Helped the clouds to part and the sun to shine. I hope you get as much out of it too! Well done, stay strong!
Laura

[p]

Well done.. the walk in the woods was a wonderful post.. you really described that well and it is a reminder to get out into the world for me.
Keep up the gamble free days, and i am glad you are trying counselling, i think its wonderful and yes it can make you feel crappy but its because you are processing probably things that have not been stirred up in a while, our thoughts and feeings get locked down when we gamble and when we stop they start to come to the surface.. keep going.. you are doing well

P

[3raser]

so, it’s day 21 and gambling has been a distant thought, not likely to stay there but i am grateful for it this week as i am feeling particularly confused over so much since i came out of my first therapy session, i am ok with feeling like this as i was told to expect it, so i am just riding it out but i actually thought that i would be able to dismiss any feelings as i am pretty good at distracting myself from unwanted thoughts, i think it’s something that comes with being a CG so the whole thing is very confusing at the moment and exhausting as it’s with me constantly and am working again all weekend which i don’t think is helping and might need to wind that down soon.
i was struggling to come here and write but your posts, each and every one from one line to full on pages mean so much that i was motivated to connect.
my worst fear that after all this, is that my whole persona is so set throughout the years that i will never be more than the person i don’t want to be.
this morning in work someone mentioned the England match last night ( this is something i would normally have gambled heavy on ) i said „oh i didn’t even know they were playing” and wow you could have probably heard a pin drop, the whole factory seemed to come to a standstill on my revelation….i find that amusing and alarming at the same time.
today i did not gamble

just a note, i don’t often comment as i am still in the grips of addiction but i am always reading your threads and journeys and it never ceases to amaze me when i see your strengths, determination and sheer will power to keep going, stumbling over hurdles, picking yourselves up and not giving up. it’s quite incredible to see how resilient people can be when they are fighting for what they want

[3raser]

i nearly buggered off 🙂 but it was in fact that post that got me into therapy. sometimes we need a bit of a shake up so despite how i felt at the time i will always be grateful but don’t do it too often 😉

[Jonny123987]

Good work racer. Keep up the good work and stay the course. Now it sounds like you’re getting to the root of the problem. That therapy can only help.ut be very cognizant that it will be extremely emotional going to those sessions and learning about yourself and the real person you haven’t known for a while as well with dealing with that person and why they sought relieve from feeling whatever that person was running from. Wow – What an amazing journey you are going to take. You are so stoked to be on it.

[3raser]

I totally agree Jonny, I’m pretty convinced that I’m feeling like this because it’s already having an effective impact which is why I’m willing to embrace it and go with it and i have a lot of learning to do, not least finding out who i am as I only really know the gambler. It’s going to be a tough roller coaster but like others have said, you only get out of it what you put into it and I’m up for the bumpy ride.
To just think i was a few days behind you at the start of this year, and you’ve overcome so much to get where you are. So much is achievable when you don’t give up 😉

[finding_laura]

Sounds like maybe you had a well known infatuation with sport gambling. Not funny but I was laughing at your description of the pin drop. My husband’s brother who would gamble on occasion started cutting himself off mid sentence around me if he began talking about it. Gee I think word spread through the family I had lost a pile and was an addict.

I can understand your fear. I think just as we developed into the addicted gambler, when we take away the gambling and start working on us, and filling our time in more valuable ways, we can change into a new person. The person you are now, is not the person you will be a year from now in recovery. And the experiences you have had will only add to the new you.

I’m not who i was before gambling began, nor who i was when in action. I would like to think I’m a new better version of me with more life experience and empathy towards my fellow man. I feel like I now value what is important ( to me anyway), family, good friendships, health, connection to nature etc

Well done on your progress! Keep at it, you are worth it!

Laura

[3raser]

I have just finished work and read your message on the way to my car and it made me smile and felt somewhat comforting at the same time.
It’s quite surprising at how well we think we hide it yet people around us have a „suspicion” but don’t like to say anything. The problem with where i work is that it’s a cultural normality to be handing betting slips around and discussing who’s picking what and i would be in the middle of all those conversations yet no-one has actually said anything about the fact that i have stepped back.
The most important goal is that you are happy with who you are and it sounds like that achievement is yours. That in itself must give you a new found strength that motivates you 🙂

[i-did-it]

Great post 3racer.
I love that description of when you could hear a pin drop – people are noticing – and maybe you could be showing other people with gambling addiction that it can be done.

Would you recommend counselling? Perhaps it is too soon to say . I find emotions are so strong now that I have stopped gambling .

You are so right – it is incredible how people never give up the fight to get this horrible addiction under control- It also amazing to see how many people manage to get control and get their lives back .
Keep going Racer- one day at a time .

[3raser]

it is early days but based on that first session i knew half way through that i was in the right place doing the right thing, what i get out of it only time will tell, i have my second session tomorrow. As i told myself when deciding to give it a whirl ” i have nothing to lose and everything to gain”
Gambling is seen as such a cultural normality that it’s hard to find treatment for this addiction so in a lot of cases people really have to put so much into their own recovery and it never fails to amaze me how resilient we can all be when making that decision and of course, places like here are invaluable to helping people find that safe place and support 🙂

[finding_laura]

Where I live the government owns and runs the gambling for the most part. So on one hand they want you to gamble a whole lot. On the other they offer some programs, which they advertise mostly in gambling establishments. A CG in full blown frenzy is going to stand in front of others entering help line number into their phone? They know only a few seek help and even fewer will recover, the rest are just collateral damage and a cash cow. Why do they need to raise money with slot machines anyway? At the government run casino they had an addictions counselor on site. But you don’t know who they are because they are not allowed to approach you and there is no sign or name tag on them. They just look like door attendants most of the time. But, once I decided i wanted help i looked them up in the phone book of all places, imagine! And i accessed specialized counseling. I decided that this addiction had just about taken everything that mattered from me. It is powerful. And I needed to throw whatever I could at it. Meetings, GA, GT, counseling, whatever it takes. It can be done.

It may be early days but seems like they are quite different days for you. Keep the momentum going as best you can. There may be days you feel you aren’t moving forward or growing but just holding ground and staying bet free during those times are a gain! Well done and Take care,
Laura

[3raser]

it sounds like they are only truly bothered about one thing and that is the revenue that it creates because lets face it, if normal working people like me can find thousands to throw away at these establishments, imagine how much they are claiming on all levels as gambling addiction as we know, isn’t just restricted to people with limited funds.
by putting helplines around and invisible people around for so called help they can justify their actions with statistics. they was something in the news here recently about trying to restrict slots to £2 spins at the maximum instead of £150 spins that there is now but i can’t see it happening for all the reasons you said above.

today was my second day in therapy and i am even more sure that this is exactly where i need to be based on the fact that i feel worse this week than i did last week :). the key i think is that i have exactly the right therapist and i as much as i struggle with some stuff, she is the right person to work with me on that and i find myself being extremely open and honest very easily.
it sounds like you are a very resourceful person, you know what you needed to do and you reached out to anything that was available which happened to be the phone book, was that the point at where your recovery began? it’s a painful process into gambling and it’s even more painful to get out but i think that’s when you know you are in recovery.
thank you for being here…take care

[finding_laura]

Hi 3raser,
Seems most governments these days are only after money!

Sounds like the perfect fit of a counselor. You are facing your addiction face on in many ways. I was very lucky as well. My counselor was very well educated in gambling addiction but at the same time she made me as comfortable as sitting down with a very close girlfriend. She gave me lots of food for thought and homework sometimes!

I knew I needed help when i hit the financial brick wall. That is a turning point for a lot of us. I had borrowed every possible amount i could in my name and based on my job. Some loans were extremely high interest. I had been borrowing to pay bills and gamble. I was going to lose house. Hubby had hardly a clue. And i had to tell him. I was an absolute wreck. That’s when it hit me hard and I couldn’t deny or deflect that i had a problem. That was bottom. That was like a reality strike. With a big sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Don’t ever want to go back there again! So thanks for being here too and telling your story. By doing so you are reminding me of what it was like.

How’s things at work going? Does it give you urges if they are talking about betting? Hope things are going ok!
Laura

[3raser]

to hit your rock bottom and build yourself back up takes superb strength, i think that sometimes we don’t really realise our capabilities until we are faced with little to no choices . i didn’t or haven’t hit my rock bottom yet and the place from where i am building back up from seems hopeless enough without going further down.
it’s good to see where i am and be reminded of where you was just to keep you alert and in touch with your goals 🙂

work is ok, i need to evaluate all this extra work i am doing, i am tired but i think it has been a good lesson but i haven’t had a day off since September now and i am finding the work in therapy draining so i need to prioritise for the sake of recovery. as for the betting, yes the football slips that are flying around at the end of the week make me nervous but i can’t avoid them so i have to learn to accept that i can’t be sheltered from the fact that gambling is available every which way we look, i even get adverts on my email page….so annoying
take care Laura and stay gamble free

[Jonny123987]

Hey 3racer,
I hope things are going well for you. I just wanted to say hi. Btw – I wanted to say that you’re still just a a few days behind me. In thirty years when I have 9400 days you’ll have 9100. Not a huge difference. 🙂 Keep it up.
Best!

[Névtelen]

Been great reading your last few posts. Sounds like the therapy is going well for you too. A bit like the gym I suppose, no pain no gain.

[3raser]

i have just finished work and thought i would drop a quick update, to be honest these endless weekends of working are starting to take their toll on me a bit.
i am 33 days gamble free, yesterday was my 3rd therapy session and although i know it isn’t for everyone so i won’t tell everyone to go and seek it but for me it’s exactly what was needed, yesterday was actually the first day that we touched on gambling and i am starting to to think that the past is going to connect to the present day. i have hardly thought about gambling, not because of any other reason that therapy is consuming my thoughts so much that i really don’t have the space to think about gambling which i am thankful for.
anyone who is undecided about 1-1 counselling i would definitely urge you to give it a go

[Névtelen]

Thats brilliant man!

[Jonny123987]

Congrats on your gamble free time 3racer. I’m going to take a break from this site for a little while or at least not carry on convo’s. I’m a little taken back by all of it. You seem like a good person and I wish you only the very best. Keep staying strong and lets both never gamble again. 🙂

[Névtelen]

Hope you’ve had a day off by now.

I think about you nearly every Saturday..hope you’re still going strong. this forum is here to help you.

Good or bad it’s always nice to see an update.

[3raser]

i haven’t known what to say for the last week or so, the good news is that i am 38 days gamble free, the bad news which in its on way is good is that therapy along with working so much is draining the hell out of me but it is teaching me so much about myself and we have hardly touched on gambling but i am starting to see some connections with gambling and how that fits in with how i see myself, how i hide from the past and the fact that it’s easier to treat myself badly and self destruct rather than face reality so its really interesting to get some understanding on myself.
each time i go we start the session with a set of questions which are always the same and at first i couldnt understand why but for example, one if the questions is „do you gamble to avoid a problem” and i answered no on the first couple of weeks, this week i answered yes as i have increasing urges to gamble to have some time off from my own thoughts but with that knowledge i am able to resist the urges.
i also finally had a day off yesterday and today, i went to a concert yesterday with my friend and it felt quite overwhelming in some respects as i noticed for the first time in a long time ( we don’t see much of each other) i was actually there with her, listening and wanting to know how she was doing, usually i have my phone in my pocket on silent waiting for vibrations to come through for a goal, making excuses to go to the toilet frequently to check on games and waiting on the outcome to to determine my mood for the night. There was none of that last night and it was really special, she actually phoned me afterwards and said how she wanted to spend more time with me and that she missed spending time with me. what she didn’t realise is that she missed me being present when we spent time together. I am starting to realise how much gambling hurts others without even realising. more incentive to stay on this path

[Névtelen]

I’m pleased you’ve had time off.

I’m over the moon your therapy is working well also. It does drain you and it sounds like you’re putting everything into it. It sounds like you’re on a great journey of self discovery.

There have been a few discussions on here recently about voids. Laura posted recently about a void left in her life when her sister got married, they used to spend a lot of time together. It’s like a chicken and egg thing for me, did my addiction create voids, did voids create the opportunity to gamble. Great news your friend is wanting to spend more time with you, it’s great to have your own time, but I think it’s important to have friends by your side as well.

When I gambled I didn’t realise the amount of people that I knew, slowly distancing themselves from me. I ended up quite a loner, my addiction thrived on it.

Life certainly is a learning curve.

I am full of admiration for you by seizing this opportunity with both hands. Well done man!

[3raser]

there is definitely a connection between voids and gambling, i pushed a lot of people away to be left alone whilst gambling but it was an endless circle of using gambling as a way of not acknowledging what i was doing as when i am in the throws of gambling, nothing else in the world matters when really it does. That’s proven to be a lie as now that the gambling isn’t there and i have someone encouraging me to look at the reality, it’s painful and it drains you not just for 50 mins but for most of the week too.
We both think that this is going to take longer than 12 sessions and i think i will probably ask her if i can carry on at my own expense (not every week as i cant afford that yet) but i haven’t plucked up the courage to ask because if she says no then i may just fall apart, although i would be in the right place for that 🙂
i feel this is my chance for recovery and i don’t think that the worst is over by any means but it’s what i want more than anything in the world. I want a normal life, i want people in it and i want to treat myself better….all achievable, not just for me but for anyone who reads this post.

[finding_laura]

Absolutely wonderful to catch up on your posts and see how you are doing 🙂

Finding a counselor who was a good match was also life changing for me. Because it was honestly and truly about me.

Time off is essential! We have to be careful we aren’t working so much that it’s like a punishment for the losses. You need to nurture and feed your soul. Rewards for your hard work and efforts at recovery and to just live life. A concert with a friends sounds like a most healthy way to spend your time. And as much as a gambling addiction brings pain, working on it can bring a greater awareness of the true blessings in life. Something we can actually be thankful for.

I agree… a normal life is achievable for us all.

great post!
Laura

[3raser]

thanks for your post Laura, i have been reading through your posts recently and can see myself in a lot of your posts, gambling has such common traits yet is personal to each individual. I can even see myself relapsing after 6 years IF i didn’t have what i needed in place to not get complacent. I have had 4 weeks with available funds now (which i am not recommending by any means ) and i have been able to resist urges even when the money was running out due to paying off some gambling debts which is usually a trigger point for me but i really can’t handle the disappointment of giving in to the urges, that will pass though and i need to be ready when the voice is convincing me that it is totally ok now.
i always saw gambling as something i wanted but to have the ability to control it ( up until this year ) now i am seeing it as a form of treating myself badly and self destructing and a way of not dealing with reality. In therapy we are looking at small steps to being kinder to myself which is actually tougher than it sounds. Everything is changing and some of it hurts like hell but i see it as my body trying to eject the poisons within it. It is such a debilitating illness but as so many amazing people on here have shown it is something that can be overcome

[vera]

Hi 3racer!
I’m happy to hear that the counselling sessions are helping you to see the importance of living a normal life. It is only when that pain of gambling becomes greater than the pain we tried to relieve by gambling, that we will say „enough is enough”. For years, I sought relief. Relief allows us to continue in our misery . A „cure” is painful but when we wake up and work through all that pain it brings an end to our constant misery. It is a slow process. A type of grieving and it cannot be rushed.
I haven’t been around for a while. A close relative of my husband died unexpectedly in the early hours of Monday morning so we have been involved travelling to the funeral etc.
When everyone recovers from the shock there will be a huge VOID. This person played a very big part in my husband’s early life and indeed in the earlier years of our marriage….until I took up gambling as a „hobby”.
I was actually shocked when I met family members (in laws) whom I had totally forgotten. I spent 15 years gambling and for the past two years almost, I’ve been focusing on „recovery”. During that time everyone else moved on with their lives and here I am, on the fringes.
Yes, you are right, 3raser, gambling is a very debilitating disease. It has taken a lot from me.
Let this be your opportunity to kiss it goodbye, forever, one day at a time.
I wish you well!

[3raser]

Vera, i am so sorry to hear about your loss, i think there will always be moments in recovery that remind us of where we WAS in gambling, the time that has passed us by and the time we took for granted whilst deep in addiction and unfortunately the feelings of regret but it’s just a reminder of where we WAS and not where we are.
our crosses that we have to bare are also a reminder of our strengths.
stay strong Vera and thanks for posting

[3raser]

40 seems a significant number so i thought i would post today.
6 weeks ago i was wondering how i was going to fuel my engine to get me to work to earn the money to pay for the gambling debts for the previous month. i was desperately trying to sell things to get me through, knowing i had to change but not believing it was possible.
within that 6 weeks i have worked 8-10 hours 7 days a week ( an opportunity that i am still extremely grateful for) have used that money to pay off some of the debts and do some repairs on my car that was long overdue, i have bought everyone something for xmas (something that i was sure wasnt going to happen) and had 4 sessions of therapy…that’s a hell of a lot for 6 weeks, i am emotionally drained and my whole perception of myself is changing, i don’t know who i am when i thought i did, gambling seems to be something i was using to escape my past and reality, to create a world of isolation and self destruct.

i have had 2 friends this week reach out and tell me they miss me and spending time with me, they don’t know that i am a gambler, i have spent a lot of energy avoiding spending time with them and yet they are still there waiting for me. 1 is someone who i avoid out of guilt due to her ex years ago dropping a bomb shell into her world and confessing that he was a gambler and that he had gambled the house away, she tried to end her life and ended up in a mental institute, i stood by her side and she has a good life now, how ironic that i would end up being a CG also. she thanked me for helping her through her dark days and how she often remembers me when a song is playing, it broke my heart and i wanted to weep but i feel blocked at present. this is the reality of what my gambling not only does to me but people i love, they aren’t aware but i am and it hurts and i want it to hurt! i want the pain to be a reminder that i need to keep going forward and not return to that place.

today i will have no excuses and i will not gamble

[3raser]

so today i had session 5 of the 12 sessions of therapy allocated to me, it’s never ceasing to have twists and turns and exposing the lies i tell myself to justify gambling. one thing i was looking at today is my long term friendships and my perception of how i have pushed everyone away to protect them and in some ways myself of dealing with my gambling and how i was feeling blessed that they are still there waiting for me and i will be able to build my relationships back up with them.
the reality is i chose gambling over them each and every time, i wasn’t protecting them, i was choosing to give myself to gambling and the second reality is they aren’t „sat waiting for me” to rekindle friendships, they have lived their lives and moved on and happen to still be there, i am the one that is „sat waiting”…that’s a lonely but important reality. i still don’t have a defining moment of why i shouldn’t gamble but i believe it’s a working progress.
i was also quite clearly concerned about what happens when my temporary safe place is gone, when the 12 sessions are up, how do i move forward?
my therapists has pointed out several options and some include free ongoing therapy with a different therapist but i am happy and progressive with this one and she would be ok with continuing work with her but obviously funding it myself ( fair rates). i feel like it’s a lot of money to invest in myself when i have debts to pay but on the other hand it’s a lot cheaper than gambling….i think often about Johnny telling me to invest in myself, maybe this is a good start.
the most important thing is i am still gambling free

[finding_laura]

Oh wow 3raser! Two amazing awesome posts! You have a lot to be proud of. The achievements, the progress, the changes. I would say to you that you are a different person than your friend’s ex and that you likely gambled for different reasons. Don’t feel like you have to put yourself in the same camp. I can see how you might be a little cautious as to when or how or if you share your story with your friend.

Isn’t it totally amazing how your posts changed within 6 days and with a counseling session in between. A good counselor helps us see things from a different perspective. Help us grow and change. Definitely invest in yourself. Set a up a reasonable repayment plan that leaves you money and time for the important things like counseling, evenings out with friends, shopping for yourself. Dream big. When we don’t waste all our time, energy and money on gambling the sky is the limit really. Just look at the difference 45 days has made. Congratulations!
Laura

[3raser]

thank you for the encouraging post, i have several weeks to decide about investing financially in therapy but if i am honest, i already know the answer, how messed up that i wouldn’t think twice about gambling away that sort of money in an afternoon.
i have been extremely lucky to have had so much overtime in the last few months ( its drying up now) and to be offered therapy and also to be linked with such a good match in the terms of a therapist, as i approach the new year i will have paid off the last few months of gambling debts and payday loans ( i am still paying for the years gone by debts ) and i am on the journey to recovery which was my hope at the beginning of this year.
i am also fully aware finally that i am one bet away from undoing all that progress and losing everything, the reality of that is scary as hell, what’s worse is that i know that i wont have the gift of being able to work hard and pay for my mistakes in the future and that would take me to a deeper, darker place.
you are so right Laura, time to make manageable plans, as the overtime dries up and the 12 sessions of therapy comes to an end i have to be ready and organised and manage my finances
thank you

[finding_laura]

Thank you for being honest in your posts and sharing your thoughts. It helps me too. One bet away from undoing all the progress. So true. I ended up having opportunity yesterday. And I thought of my progress and my support network here and I put it out of my mind. Have a good gamble free day

[3raser]

Hi Laura.
There is always going to be opportunities, the barriers help but they aren’t foolproof, what’s important is having the strength to realise that wobbles are going to creep into our thoughts but we have the power to walk away knowing that that one bet will make us feel so crap about ourselves that we will just throw everything away, it’s a bit like being on a diet, you do really well, think about something unhealthy, eat it and then think „oh i have blown it, i may as well stuff my face all day”.
I’m not saying i am always going to have the strength to recognise and walk away but it’s helpful that my mindset is saying that one bet could destroy me, before, i used to say that one bet could win me enough for whatever i was wanting money for.
we are all in this together 🙂
well done on yesterday, feel great about yourself…you deserve it

[p]

Well done

I love that analogy about the food.. wow do i relate to that i n a big way and i get what you mean. I do notice that once i thought oh well ive already gambled now may aswell just have one giant go at it then stop, though i couldnt stop if i wanted to anyway..

P

[3raser]

Day 58, still haven’t gambled, therapy is life changing but it’s a marathon not a sprint with that.
Christmas is looming and although i have managed to get people gifts and i am trying to manage money carefully it is still going to be a tough time, i love this time of year for gambling, maybe i just use it as a way to hide from the fact that i christmas can be a lonely time, i mean when i gamble i like to be totally isolated so the two fit hand in hand…seemingly. Anyway this year i am going to embrace the loneliness and use it to as a reason to start building relationships up again.
Also my car needs some unexpected maintenance work this week, i panicked and thought my only option was to gamble, even went and withdrew the money but i took some time out, went home, phoned a few companies to try and give me a months grace on the bills and enough of them agreed which covers the cost of a big chunk of the bill.
not a solution a can probably use again but the fact that i found one without gambling is a win for me.
ironically i would have found 3 times the amount of the bill had i been chasing a losing bet.
today i did not gamble and i hope everyone is taking good care of themselves, especially at this time of year

[finding_laura]

Not gambling is definitely a win! We always think we can win ourselves out of situations we put ourselves in by gambling. So maybe that never worked out according to plan either lol. I know not having money can be a trigger for me as well. You are right, we’d spend more gambling than dealing with the problem. So it isn’t really about winning money.
So well done on taking a step back, thinking it through, and then acting on your plan. That is definitely one thing I have been working on is relationships. In recovery I want real relationships and friendships. I have no time to waste on games.

Good job 3racer for finding your solution and staying gamble free! You are doing awesome!

Laura

[3raser]

thanks Laura for your reply above, i always like reading your posts and i hope you are well, i read that you are just about ready for Christmas, that’s lovely to hear and how different without the pressures of losing to gambling. Enjoy the little simple things Laura. Not gambling gives us the gift of appreciating very small things in life 🙂
well i am on day 60, it feels easier to not gamble but it’s still there at the back of my mind so i tread with caution and with saying that i did nearly gamble 2 nights ago although i am not sure that i was ever going to go through with it.
i went to see my family on Monday and drop presents off, it didn’t all quite go according to plan, there was an incident which left me with a black eye and swollen cheekbone and feeling somewhat sorry for myself, the first thing i did when i got away from there is go to the bookies, fed my money in, chose my bets and hovered over „place bet” i have never changed my mind on gambling when i have got to this point but i was questioning myself, do i really want to do this? will winning make me happy? luckily i had an appointment the next day with my therapist which was the deal sealer as i really didnt want to go in and say „merry Christmas, i placed a bet yesterday” so i withdrew my voucher from the terminal and got my money back. i definitely use gambling as a means to escape ( amongst other reasons) but apart from that it’s getting easier not to gamble 🙂
i really look forward to my sessions each week now even though i may end up feeling like crap during them, i think there is a lot of connections that i have never been able to make as to why i do the things i do and the more i understand the more control i have over the choices i make

Christmas is going to be challenging but that’s all it is…a challenge and i usually like a good challenge so i’m determined to come out unscathed, So unreal to think that 9 weeks ago i was selling stuff in the nick of time to fuel my car for work and living off of 25p value ginger nut biscuits.

[Névtelen]

Hey 3raser (how did you come up with that name?).

So pleased you never put the bet on. No doubt it was a lucky escape, maybe another bookies to self exclude from?

I am full of admiration for the way you have stuck to your counselling, lots of people decide that when support starts making them feel crap that they will turn their back on it. You’re not going to come out with a big smile on your face and feel like skipping and dancing, not when you’ve been facing your gambling past head on. In my opinion its good that it makes you think, not just about then, but more so think about now and how doing things differently now will pave the way for your gambling free future. The past is history it belongs where it is, in the past.

Gambling, for us, is shite.

Pleased you never pressed the bet button.

[finding_laura]

To get that far and stop yourself, change your mind, take the auto pilot off, I’m amazed at your strength!

I was the same way. If something upset me, and I’d say physical abuse is a good reason to be upset, I’d head straight for a machine. It could make me forget. But only for a spell and then it’s right back, usually with the added problem of spending money that wasn’t mine to spend. It was the electric companies, the tax man, the food off the table, but not mine.

So other than the „incident” I see a post full of good news.

60 days! Wohoooo! It can be a trigger milestone but you got through it.

In only 60 days you turned things around and went from no gas and barely any food to buying and delivering Christmas presents.

You continue to attend counseling and getting something out of it even though it is difficult. You are changing from the person who gambled uncontrollably to avoid life to someone who will get everything they can out of life.

You got through a close call by thinking it through. And you are already thinking through Christmas.

Congratulations on every step you have taken! You’ve worked really hard on your recovery. Wishing you nothing but good things in the new Year.

Laura

[vera]

Well done 3 raser
Put your reaction down to shock
When others „punished „me in the past, I ran to the casino.
I’m training myself to react differently now.
NOBODY has the power to make me gamble.
If you had gambled as a result of that „assault”, you would have given your attacker power…I’m assuming it was an assault. Or maybe an accident?
Either way gambling is not the answer and your withdrawal shows a change in your mindset.
Your counsellor is obviously doing his/her work and you are co operating.
I’m a bit apprehensive about my son coming home for Christmas. He has a way of pulling the strings-refuses to speak directing to his father or to me. Sends messages through his brother to us with a warning „ONLY tell „them” what I instruct you to say”..” I MIGHT come home but if I do I need to be collected in the city after midnight” My gut reaction is to tell him „Happy Christmas-see you when you grow up” but I believe in 2nd chances ( he has had 200!)
I will react differently no matter what he does or fails to do.
This year he will not provoke me into self destruction.
I need to keep drilling that into my brain….
As a matter of interest 3, did you report that incident to the police??
No need to answer, just think about it.

[3raser]

nice to hear from you Geordie, i hope you are treating yourself kind out there, i know how hard you can be on yourself.
i felt quite early on when i started counselling that i would rather feel crap than nothing at all. it’s quite funny as the first day i walked in i was all „i don’t have any issues in my life, i’m just a CG that needs to stop” and yet we haven’t talked about gambling that much but that i DO have issues and gambling attaches itself to my weak points.

i got the name from an online suggestion tool when i was looking for a username years ago, it came up with eraser11 so i turned the E around to make a 3.
Geordie whatever you are doing i hope you have a nice Christmas. treat yourself

[3raser]

what a beautiful post Laura and much appreciated, i hadn’t really put my achievements into such a positive perspective but you are so right, i think not gambling is always going to a journey but it is so important to recognise where you were and where you are now.
the gambling to run away from problems/feelings seem to be such a common trait, from the minute you decide to put a bet on the feelings would already be starting to be suppressed as the endorphins take over. the change that stands out to me now is that when i think about gambling i actually think about how disappointed i am going to feel with myself whether i win or lose.
i hope you a lovely time over the festive season which can be so troubling for many, to keep it simple that i read you was doing is wonderful and how it should be, from being in a place of debt and worry and losing all your money into slots to a place where you can embrace a holiday season and budget for gifts and a few edible treats is such a blessing. Not gambling can only enrich your life with appreciations that so many take for granted. thank you for all your posts, you have such a lovely way of communicating. 🙂

[3raser]

Has your son arrived home yet? everyone does deserve chances but there is a point where he needs to take some responsibilities for his actions, by being so negative he is affecting everyone and it must be so draining for everyone, how long has he been like that? he must want it to be different otherwise he wouldn’t come around at all, maybe he thinks it’s a sign of weakness if he changes his behaviour to being civil?
whatever the reasons it is not your cross to bare, he is an adult and anything that gambling has to offer will only be temporary ( i know you know that )
the most important thing we can do before anything else is treat ourselves with kindness and respect, if we can’t do that then we are not open to receive it from anyone else, it’s also harder than it sounds.
take good care of yourself and make some time for yourself over the holidays

[3raser]

i am just sat waiting for daylight then i am going to take the dog into the peak district for a couple of hours, fresh air and clarity and to reflect on this year coming to a close. i am then going to treat myself to a seasonal £3.60 costa latte which i have been looking forward to all week, i can appreciate something so small with incredible gratitude these days.
I have worked so hard since September and my wages have significantly increased that £3.60 wouldn’t even be a treat to someone else but it is to me, i am learning a lot more respect for money and it’s value and i am quite nervous as to how i am going to handle it when the overtime stops which i think it will do after Christmas and my wages drop significantly.
everything i have earnt over the last 3 months has gone into paying off the last 6 months of gambling( i still have debt management plans in place for the years gone by ) and i have just paid the last of the payday loans , car maintenance and christmas which i am extremely grateful for but the real test will kick in when it drops.
i have been getting hounded daily from paypal to bring my balance up to zero as i owed them money too, they are ruthless as i was making payments when i could but then they would phone up the next day hounding me for another payment. i woke up this morning and saw an email off them threatening me and i have managed to get a couple of hundred into my savings account which i obsess about as a CG never has savings so it feels nice, however i decided to use that to pay my account off so i can go into the new year without the daily calls. i just hope for more overtime next year, i am becoming addicted to working. (glad my therapist isn’t reading this). i still get that thought to gamble to make the money up but i won’t because yes i might win but if i don’t i will just be wishing that i had used the money to pay the debt in the first place.
it is terrifying to know that i could undo all the hard work over the last few months in one day, that is how powerful and destructive gambling is but i have the choice not to let that happen.
another good thing this week, i have started reading again, i haven’t been able to focus on a book constantly for years, it usually takes me 8 months to finish one but i am zipping through this one so that makes me happy.

i hope everyone can get something from the holidays, i know it can be hard for so many but it never seizes to amaze me that despite everyone’s battles and inner struggles, people unite on here to help each other through. if you need to have an active conversation with someone gamcare do an online chat where you can just type away and get a response, i know not everyone favour them (for me they were great) but they are there to help.
stay safe and gamble free

[velvet]

Hi 3racer
I was leaving the forums when I saw your post mentioning walking in the Peak district with your dog and my mind took a happy leap of memory. My dog has hip and elbow dysplasia so we can’t do the long walks anymore but I do short walks with her everyday and just enjoy nature unfolding around me.
Even as a non-CG I do not like Pay Pal’s heavy handed attitude and I am glad that you are going to go into the New Year without them hounding you. Now that you are clear of debt to them they will probably hound you to use them again and you can now tell them where to go!
I am an avid reader, it is my escape from the world so I understand your enthusiasm – unfortunately if you take too long to read a book it is often necessary to look back and see who is who which take the enjoyment away. I see recovery a bit like a book with each page unfolding something new and with every new chapter being more exciting. Sad chapters can be left behind or used as reference to make the rest of the book more fulfilling.
You are going from strength to strength and in my experience that was how my CG learned to live without fear.
I hope you enjoy Christmas as a time of peace and contentment – you deserve it after all the good work you have put in.
Velvet

[finding_laura]

Been meaning to stop by for a while 3Racer but things just keep popping up! Little things and family but I was focused and able to deal with it all for the most part. But anyway!

How are things going? Reading anything good at the moment? I am hoping to start reading again when I go away down south for a couple weeks. It will be good to get out of the cold. -30 celcius here where i am. Freezing. Too cold for getting out and attempting a walk. My lab is almost 14 so we are about the same speed and we both don’t like the cold. Are you are able to get out with your puppy dog?

I hope your Christmas went well. Thank you for your post a week back. It was really good to hear from you 🙂 How’s the battle been going with urges? The gang at work still talk a lot of sports and wagers? Let us know how you are doing. Can’t having you on page 3 now 🙂 Take care 3racer! Laura

[finding_laura]

Hey 3racer, hoping everything is ok with you. Haven’t seen or heard from you in a while. Take care and pop us a post when you can. Laura

[Névtelen]

It would be great to see a post off you.

This year can be a whole lot better than the last one. One day at a time, of course.

Are you continuing with your therapy?

Do you think your therapist really would object to you getting „addicted” to work? If so why do you think that?

There maybe some substance to her concerns.

Anyway wishing you well, and all the best for this year.

[maverick.]

3raser, hope life is treating you fair, like you rightly say this addiction destroys us but never the less we unite together to help each other………..so guess what that doesn’t make us bad people that makes us good people with a very bad addiction, really do hope you are keeping well and wish you all the very best in your recovery and life.

Take care and stay strong.

Maverick

[3raser]

thank you all for your kind and encouraging posts, i do read them, i am just very bad at setting time aside to write which i should as i think more than anything it is important to stay connected with every possible avenue that helps with recovery.
i am now at day 86, i really can’t believe i did 175 days before and threw it all away as it seems to be taking forever this time (not that i am wishing my life away)
therapy is still going strong and helps me to stay focused as when and if i get an urge i know it’s always only a few days away until my next session.
it is strange how we don’t really focus a lot on gambling yet everything we do talk about seems like it will eventually have a connection.
my las urge was on boxing day as everyone make a big deal about that day and i too used to look forward to it but it was just another day and i was glad i got through it without giving in.
i am still working every weekend, it’s not healthy but for now it gives me a sense of financial security, short term anyway, i still have feelings of utter fear that i can throw away all the hours worked, and therapy sessions that i have worked hard on in the last few months in a single weekend, i literally can blow that much that quick from a split second urge and bad choice and that really does scare me now, i am not sure if that is a good or bad thing but it stops me being complacent i guess.

it is nice to hear someone say that they haven’t gambled since last year, has a nice ring to it. keep it up and one step at a time we can all beat this chronic illness, remember gambling isn’t a cure for everything else that is wrong in our lives, it is just a self destructing distraction

[finding_laura]

great update 3Racer. That does have a nice ring to it. I haven’t gambled since last year. I’m just on my way out to the city for an appointment. Slept in, quick coffee and then I’ll be rushing about like a fool. I owe you a post! Keep at it. Don’t forget to reward yourself. All work and no play can be a ticking time bomb. I’ll post soon. Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi 3racer,

I haven’t gambled since last year !

It great to hear how much progress you have made and in a way I guess that fear is healthy . It is such a short journey down and yet takes such effort to climb back up again.

It sounds like you are very self aware and. Have taken so many steps overcome this illness .

Stay strong xx

[Névtelen]

Just popping by to say goodbye. Sorry to see you havnt posted in such a long time I hope all is well with you.

This is Geordie, by the way.

I opened this account months ago and GT let me keep it open when I closed my main one. However, its time for me to move on, I doubt I’ll even read the forums again.

If you ever want to talk you will find a few of my threads on the gamcare forums, I’d like to leave you an email address but GT wont allow that.

I think about your recovery a lot and hope it is still going well for you, but the fickle nature of the beast we all have living inside us dosn’t guarantee a safe passage for anyone. There is no shame in that.

Im happy to say that my life is still progressing well without gambling but I still do get regular support. I think I always will.

Take care Pet.

Geordie.

[3raser]

Geordie my friend, i have been meaning to catch up on here for so long but days all merge and before i know it weeks have passed but seeing your message has just motivated to stop what i am doing and log on as i cant let you go without an update
i am 155 days gamble free now, still funding my therapy work as i think it’s the key to not gambling, i even had a dream that i had been gambling only to wake up and of course realise that it wasn’t true, the relief i felt when i realised it was just a dream shows how far i have come.
i am so happy to hear that you are still winning the war, i think you will always have the strength and knowledge to make the right decisions, i know life hasn’t always been easy but that is the past and you are now the master of your destiny.

you helped me Geordie, you changed my path, who knows if i would still be throwing the „abstaining” and „recovery” crap around (only crap in reference to how i was on/off with it)
many people have helped me along the way on here but your harsh words prompted me into action and is why i am moving further and further away from the desires of gambling.
the therapy i attend weekly is crucial, again something i never thought i would be doing

good luck and thank you my friend
i will never forget you or your words of wisdom
enjoy your life man 😉

[Névtelen]

Im so happy to read that, I really am its put a smile on my face. Not a pretty site because I havnt got my false teeth in!

Thanks for the speedy response, if youd done it tomorrow I wouldnt have been to reply,

You too. 

 

Life is too short to let that s**** ruin it again.

[Jonny123987]

Good job 3rCER!

[3raser]

so, it has been 345 days now, 20 days until i reach my year mark, WOW. i have no doubt that i will get this hurdle out of the way with.
It hasn’t been plain sailing and there is times when it creeps into my thoughts unexpected and relapse is only 1 bet away so i take nothing for granted but over time, as you start to heal, you also start to build a new and better life, something to hold onto, it takes time but i see hope where once there was none. This time next year all my gambling debts will be paid off ( a quarter of my wage goes towards this).
i still work with my Therapist and rarely work on gambling anymore, more so the root causes that were behind gambling. For me, this has been the pivotal support i needed to free myself.
It hasn’t been easy by any means but it does get easier and problems that where entwined with gambling either get resolved or left in the past.
i was out with the dog the other day and climbing this steep hill, it was windy and drizzling and i thought „oh i can’t do this, it’s too difficult” and i was about to turn around when i thought „just give it a go” a turned my music up and focused on a small spot in front of me and when i reached that point, i focused on another spot just in front of me and before i new it i was at the top and pretty happy with myself.
i thought afterwards that this is exactly the same with gambling, we look to the top of the hill and it seems too daunting, too difficult and definitely too far away so we give up and go to we know, hustling everyday to try and survive.
if we just focus on the first small goal/step, reach that point and set the next goal/step in small achievable steps then our journeys may not seem so impossible.
i just wanted to drop by and give an update 🙂

[finding_laura]

Congratulations 3raser on your achievement! No small task. I’m so happy to read your update as I have thought of you often and wondered how you were getting on. You really summarized how the advice of taking one small step at a time can lead us out of the darkness towards a new life. One little change at a time.
What plans do you have for your future debt free life? Any thing special planned? Travel, new car, retirement savings? So very proud of you and how far you have come.

Laura

[Monica1]

Congratulations on nearly hitting a year. It isn’t an easy journey I know but I am very pleased your journey to being debt free isn’t a very long one!
I am nearly 14 months gf and still can’t pay off biggest debts,
Happy for you.

[3raser]

Hi Laura & Monica, thanks both for your replies.
Monica, 14 months? wow that’s brilliant. I think debts are one of the leading causes of stress regardless of how those debts are accumulated and to see an end in sight does help towards my recovery, i actually started with a debt management company 5 years ago as i had gambled to a point of more out than coming in, i didn’t tell them it was gambling as they can be funny about helping you, my credit score was already rubbish so i didnt care about that but they stopped all interest and letters and i was able to breathe until of course the gambling again put me in a financial crisis, i was very very lucky to have the option of overtime at work ( it has all dried up now ) at that particular point, at the point of starting work with a therapist i was also working 7 days a week which i did consistently for 6 months, totally unhealthy but it aloud me to get on top of my new debts. Debts have consumed me for years and the losses are far greater than i dare to think about.

Laura, the amount of times i wanted to drop by and write an update but got sidetracked is unbelievable. I am only just starting to make plans with my life as the goal was to work,eat,sleep and repeat but i started running (i am actually rubbish at it ) for well being, i had a go at tennis in the summer and actually love it, found somewhere that only charges a £1 per court so it was a cheap hobby, 8 weeks ago i fell and broke a finger and have been off work, it has been amazing to have some downtime and appreciate my surroundings and go places with the dog, i unfortunately go back to work this week haha but it has given me a new appreciation of life and how work just adds to the stress of life, every company making cutbacks and everyone else having to pick up that extra work is making a very tired nation, without gambling and with the opportunity of not working for several weeks i now want to set up my life to have more time to do stuff so i am slowly looking into an online business, nothing to make me rich, just something to pay the bills and that leaves me options to enjoy life a little bit more.
i have explored the peak district with the dog over summer, watched movies, started a life coaching course, trying to build friendships, everything a „normal” consists of but gets lost in the blackness of gambling.
it would be irresponsible of me to say i could never go back to gambling because i could, a bad day could lead me to a „not give a damn” moment which takes me into a bookies but i am slowly trying to make my life better and important enough to me that it outweighs a bad day.

my therapist said that gambling is one of the hardest addictions to beat yet here we all are one step at a time through our own will and determination and our own downfalls trying to climb out of that pit and it is achievable for every single person

[Névtelen]

That was all great to read man!

I seldom post on here now, but read quite a lot.

I’m so pleased you updated, it’s put a great big smile on my face reading that!

Take care man.

AKA Geordie

[3raser]

Glad you came and said „hi” you were a big part of me doing things in the right way, i know i always say that 😀 BUT i never forget and it never stops being as important as it was back then!

 I hope you are well and thriving with your recovery journey, i have faith in you so I’m pretty sure you’ve got this down ;)….did i really say „got this down”? Damn 

[Cosmo]

Hope, 

i am new on here. I read your reply that said you followed advice that helped you stop gambling. Please share what that advice was. I am trying so hard to get help, answers to this horrible addiction. 

I hope your still on here and reply. 

Thank you 

Cosmo

[3raser]

thank you for reaching out, you are right, it is a horrible addiction and hard to beat on your own.

as i was trying to beat this addiction, i was gamble free for a few days or weeks and once a few months and each time i slipped i was using the words relapse, recovery and other words to suggest i was on the road to beating this addiction but i would slip and gamble and gamble hard and someone on here quite directly and quite loudly said that they was tired of me using these words as i am not in recovery, i am just trying to abstain from gambling which is completely different. the person was hard on me but it worked. i realised that i couldnt do it on my own yet i was on my own with this problem and too embarrassed to reach for help. 

it took my days to pluck up the courage but i went online and chatted online to someone from gamcare, from there they took care of everything and within 2 weeks i was in therapy working out the root cause to my addiction so that i can fight it, this started to give me some clarity and i was able to face my debtors and get organised with payments, its not been easy but i havent gambled since and i will be debt free in another year, 

this is very difficult to do on you own, some people manage it but if you can contact a professional and use every available resource out there then slowly you will climb out of this black hole.

gambling will never solve a problem, only add to it

i hope this has helped and if i can help with any more questions then please ask away, this site really does help 

[Cosmo]

I’m so glad you responded. It took me a minute to figure out how to get back to read your response.  Still learning this site.

I would absolutely go to a counselor or therapist but I need direction. I have tried therapists but honestly they didnt help, probably because they didn’t specialize in gambling. How did you select your therapist? Please share anything that your contact  on Gamchat told you. 

Heres a bit of my background. I’m in the US, have been playing slots about 11 years. It has escalated and I have run out of my personal Resources digging myself out of debt over and over. I have depleted my 401, my retirement (cashed both in and had to pay taxes and penalties). I have sold assets that I need for income in retirement. I spend my monthly income within days of receipt. 

I went to GA meetings and was so excited but in less than a month, I felt discouraged because I didn’t feel anyone was there to help new folks, it felt depressing and seemed like they were only there to keep themselves clean and didn’t even seem happy about it. It wasnt encouraging to me at all. I stopped going. Then I went to a psychiatrist that had excellent review, such a disappointment, I then tried a therapist and she helped with some ideas of lifting my mood my no help on gambling. 

I finally confessed to my 24 yr old daughter (I was so afraid she would hate me, be so disappointed in me, etc) and she was so compassionat. We agreed she would monitor my location via GPS text on iPhone. I then confessed to my best friend the same day. Gave her all my credit cards. They both were working together to help me. I couldn’t believe how fortunate I was and cried till I fell asleep. 

Two weeks later, I have found a way around both of these barriers. I feel sick that I have gambled, a lot, and haven’t told them yet. 

How can it be this hard? I can’t even wrap my head around the grip it has on me. 

[3raser]

gambling is one of the hardest addictions to give up, don’t be hard on yourself.

The councillor was allocated to me by gamcare, the first 12 sessions were free but i carried on with them afterwards. She’s trained specially to work with gamblers which i think is key if you are choosing your own, they need to be gambling trained.

You are taking all the right steps and it’s clear how much you want this, it’s a difficult horrible addiction. I was a gambler for 20 years and thought i could just stop but i couldn’t, for me personally i needed a third party to help and if that’s what you feel you need then get the right councillor for you 

[Cosmo]

Thank you! I went on GamCare once. I will go back on GamCare and inquire about getting this set up for myself. I’ve been googling help for months and just recently found this website and GamCare. It’s frustrating that it appears to be difficult to find these sites for help. 

What is the trick (easiest way) to come back to this thread when responding? I get an email and can read your response but when I want to come back to respond it’s crazy trying to find it again. 

[Névtelen]

At the bottom of the page there should be a box that says „New Topic”.  Gamcare I think is focussed mainly on UK users you may have problems registering there. GA as well as GT are worldwide.

I think you can alsonuse a sitecalled safe harbor if you are in the States.

It would be a lot easier for you I think on here, if you started your own thread.

[3raser]

today i hit 1 year, it’s surreal but it has gone so quick, it’s always good to be aware that it only takes 1 bet to be right back in hole but i do feel more in control and more determined to stay on this path.
i hope everyone that reads this can take a little bit of hope away with them and realise that it is possible, 1 year ago i was counting coppers for a loaf of bread and selling anything i had at ridiculous prices just to get a little bit of money. Its slowly turning around, i know the reasons why i gamble and so i recognise the triggers and each time i resisted it made it a little bit easier the next time but never be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.

[Monica1]

Well done 3raser and congratulations on your one year gf. Very happy that you and I have made the commitment to be gf.

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