[icandothis]

Hello Maverick, I just read your post on Vera’s thread. There is no reason for you to struggle alone. Yes, we all struggle. But, by sharing our struggles somehow it lessons them. That’s what we are here for. Also, you posted to my thread a while back saying you were going to start your own thread. (It was very nice to hear from you, by the way)
Today is that day Maverick. You can use this thread or start your own. Don’t put it off any longer.
I don’t know that much about you, Lee, but there is something that always stands out about you through all of what you write. You are a gentleman. So honorable, so caring. Let us help you see yourself as we see you. Let us help you become the Maverick who used to gamble, but no longer does.

[lizbeth4]

Hello Maverick. We are here to support each other. Please post your thoughts. Take care

[kin]

Blessings

Kin

[maverick.]

Ican, thank you very much for starting this thread and it is very kind of you, you are a very good person and a pleasure to share with and know. I will use this thread from this day onwards to help myself build a better life for me and my family, I am a compulsive gambler but just for today I make the choice not to gamble and with that I am so very happy.

Thanks again Ican for your kind gesture and I really hope you are keeping well, Lizbeth and Kin thank you also for your support it is always nice to know we are not alone.

Take care and I will share very soon, my very best to all of you.

Maverick (Lee)

[Névtelen]

Hi Maverick, I am so glad to see you back on here …a blast from the past!!

Keep strong

[kin]

Hi all,

I only need to stay clean today.

I only need to focus on today.

and every day is day one in recovery for me.

[vera]

Building a better life for you and your family seems like a great plan, Lee.
I wish you every success for the future, beginning every day with TODAY!

[maverick.]

Thanks Sad, Kin and Vera for your support, I have to admit I am really struggling to string any decent gamble free time together at the moment, I really need to get a grip as just for today I feel like my life is just falling apart, I know what I have to do, I know what I need to do but at the moment I am doing anything but that, life can be so very hard at times but I never help myself either.

Anyway thanks for listening just got in fro work after a long day and now going to read to the kids, might be back on later to share exactly how I feel and where I am in life.

Speak soon and my very best to you all.

Maverick

[velvet]

Hi Lee
It’s good to see your name again and know that you are using support because struggling on your own is hard – all of us, whoever we are, need support at some time or another.
You know you can live gamble-free so believe in yourself as those who know you on this site believe in you.
I will follow your progress.
Velvet

[maverick.]

Today is a new day and I am feeling very hopeful, I am in a good mind set, working hard at work to keep my job, working hard at home to keep my family and working hard not to gamble to keep my life!!!!!

I promise you all I am not a bad man and honestly believe I have a good heart but when I make the choice to gamble I am the worse person in the world in every aspect, I want to be the real me and that is only possible when I dont gamble.

My name is Lee and I am a compulsive gambler but just for today I will not gamble, thank you for letting me share and listening, I wish each and everyone of you all the very best in the world, this addiction destroys lifes but we can save ours.

Maverick (Lee)

[maverick.]

Thanks for your kind words and support Velvet, its always good to see you around and read your posts, hope you are keeping well, take care and speak soon.

Lee

[maverick.]

I have gambled pretty much all my life and decided I had enough around 4 years ago (I think) the mind can get a little scrambled within the madness I create, at that point in my life I had enough I wanted to stop gambling and still to this day I have the same feeling I have had enough and want to stop gambling, before I didnt…….I didnt want to stop and thats the big difference, in the last 4 years or so I have had good periods of recovery off up to a year and not so good periods, I just have to try and find what works best for me and I will.

I am a compulsive gambler but just for today I will not gamble, thanks to everyone for supporting each other, its hard to explain but just to get a quick reply from anyway sometimes makes a massive difference to that persons day.

Take care all and hope this finds you all well.

Maverick (Lee)

[vera]

Yes, Maverick. A post on your thread is always a nice surprise!
A simple token of support. I know what you mean about having enough. It’s a bit like when we eat a whole box of chocs instead of having a few. The enjoyment goes and we say „I’ll never eat chocolate again”! After a few heavy losses a gambling „win” loses the surprise element. We know it will cause nothing but more grief.
There comes a time when we just HAVE to quit, whether we want to or not.
Do you go to GA?

[maverick.]

Vera I have to agree with you and love the way you compare it with chocolate……..I am all or nothing with everything I do…….eating chocolate included.

I have been to GA Vera many times but currently dont go for one reason or another, I will be totaly honest with you, I went to a local group and it was full of people who thought they were better than you and I, full of people who didnt care, no sense off help, no sense of support and full off clicky people (as we all experiance at times in our life) after going to this group all I wanted to do was come away and gamble, I went to another GA groupe about a 60 mile round trip for me every monday night and it was fantastic, lovley honest, genuine people who really understood, helped and cared, this is when I had the best time off my life and had a year gamble free in recovery, work comitments changed and I couldnf attend the monday night group any more and eventually slipped back into my old ways.

GA works if the right people (supportive people) are around you but it doesnt if they are not…………..pretty much like life, there are good people, bad people and the inbetween people……I have meet wonderful people at GA and also not so wonderful people at GA, thats life…………just for today I dont attend as I could only attend the group that I know is bad for me.

Vera my friend I hope this finds you well and perhaps we can share some chocolate sometime but not the whole bar!!!!, take care and will always wish you well.

Maverick (Lee)

[charles]

Hi Mav, good to see you back posting.

I wouldn’t rule out getting back to that local meeting, fortunately/unfortunately GA attendance can have a pretty hight turnover so there might be a whole different set of compulsive gamblers there now.

Keep posting.

[charles]

Hope to see you in a group here soon as well – I’m here in one now for the next half hour or so.

[maverick.]

Thanks for your posts Charles, fair comment and very true, will always keep all options open, I am in a good place at the moment and just for today I will not gamble, I want to be the real me and the only way I can do that is not to gamble, hope you are well Charles and look forward to catching up with you very soon.

Maverick (Lee)

[maverick.]

Just a quick post to say I have made it through another day gamble free, all we can ever do is take it one day at a time.

I am tired today, a little feed up with a few things, but I haven’t gambled so with that I am happy.

I hope you all have a great weekend and look forward to sharing very soon, take care and wish you all well.

Maverick (Lee)

[maverick.]

So I thought today was a good day to share all about my life, I have shared this before but can’t honestly remember as to how in depth I have gone but anyway I wanted to share, Icandothis thank you once again for opening this thread for me I am very grateful and for yours and everyones support.

I was at school and a 14 year old boy, I worked hard, didn’t have many friends (but some) my parents brought me up well and taught me right from wrong, in truth they couldn’t have done a better job and I love them very much for bringing me up and looking after me until I made my own way in life. At school I was getting bullied…..pretty bad and most days (in the end I hated going) I managed it the best I could in total it went on for around 3 years, there came a point in my life when I had really had enough (well there were many times I had had enough) I thought about various routes to take (some very final) and I never told my parents as for some reason I never thought I could (they still dont know till this day), one day I decided I have to toughen up and get stronger in life or I wouldn’t be able to stay in this world, so I did, I found a hiding place, a place where all was well, a place I could loose myself, a place (at the time) seem to give me hope, I had started gambling (and winning) soon my reputation got around and changed from the school whipping boy to this lad gambles (illegally, under aged and wins)……well off course to me everything was great, in the space of a few weeks I went from being picked on daily to people wanting to be my friend (this because the money I had and showering people with sweets and treats) I know now its false friendship but I wasn’t getting picked on and for me that was all I was worried about, I changed…….I became someone I wasn’t, someone that wasn’t as nice as the innocent boy I once was (but please understand me I had to change or I honestly believe my life would have ended very prematurely if things had off kept going the way they were). Thats how I started gambling (there was another boy in my year who was popular and he gambled……..I followed his lead and thats how I started) in 1990 when I was at school and won nearly £1000 in a week…….well of course I was going to be popular but it was that incident that set the course of my life.

So I made it through the last of my school years and got average grades, left school and had many different jobs, I worked hard and worked my way up the ladder, landing a great job when I was 20 years old, assistant manager to a massive vehicle workshop that turned over millions a year, the problem was I had turned myself from a young, honest, kind hearted young man into something slightly different, I hadn’t completely change and still retained a lot of the goodness but I had formed an arrogant, „I am it” attitude, that ended up getting me in trouble, I would be in talks with my managers and thinking I am the best I would end walking out of fantastic jobs over silly disagreements knowing I could just walk into another one (and in truth I did) but this did nothing for my stability (was still gambling at this point, wasn’t in any major debt as the jobs I had more than covered up my gambling addiction.

I meet a wonderful women when I was on holiday in 1996 when I was 19 and she was 16 we lived over 100 miles apart but over the years I traveled down to see her every weekend and in the end she moved up to live with me………..that wonderful women is sat 6 foot in front of me watching TV with are two children as I write this share…….some 19 years on.

I moved into my first flat (mortgage) when I was 20 years old, still gambling but I seemed to be in control (if you ever can when gambling – no you can’t) and my (now wife) moved in with me, lived there for around 3 years and then my (now wife) got homesick so I moved with her down south, managed to get a very good job (after a few very bad ones) an then thats when my gambling really spiralled out of control, when I sold my flat I moved down south and managed to clear all my debts, was debt free what a relief, but being down south by myself (part from my (now wife) I was pretty alone, she had a job also and had all her family down there (maybe I used it as an excuse) but I hit gambling really hard, in about 4 years I has managed to get myself into about £40k of debt bearing in mind I had a good job and so did my wife and at this time we didn’t have any children, I gambled everyday, I wanted to and I did, I couldn’t seem to stop and didn’t want to stop, the money was just ammo it never had a meaning (probably because I had lost so much) if I had £100 in my pocket it was nothing I had lost all concept of money.

I gambled, and gambled and gambled and gambled, we moved back to the midlands when my boy was about 1 year old as the cost of living down south was just so much and over the years with what I had lost I couldn’t afford to stay down there.

Back where I grew up I got a job and we rented a flat (I have always worked and there has never been more than a week gone by without me working) the trend continued I gambled and gambled heavy……………..I didn’t want to stop, i couldn’t stop, many nights over the years I have cried to myself thinking why can’t I stop, why dont I stop, what am I doing with my life.

I carried on gambling and carried on losing, always managed to great good jobs but the gambling just got bigger and bigger, I think it was around 2011 about mid summer I decided I wanted to stop and had had enough my little girl had been born the year before and she was now 1 year old, I had a wonderful wife and 2 great children, I still provided for them but still kept gambling and messing up, the difference being from that time in 2011 I wanted to stop, I won’t lie I have slipped in and out of recovery since then but I know recovery and not gambling is honestly were I want to be, I have had good periods of time away from gambling since 2011 but just recently have slipped back into old ways, I am back in recovery and where I want to be, my last day gambled was 10th November 2015 and I strive to make this my last gamble date for once and for all.

My gambling has destroyed many things in life, I have destroyed many things in life, I make the choice to gamble and I make the choice not to gamble, I am a compulsive gambler and I will always be one, but what I want to be is a compulsive gambler in recovery always.

I can’t win if I choose to gamble because I can never stop, I am currently in a hallway and there are many doors, they are all shut apart from one straight ahead and that door leads to my future and whatever I want my life to be……..all the other doors lead back to my gambling days and they all lead me back to gambling at the moment all the doors are shut/closed……I have also managed to lock many of them but there is a table in the middle of the hallway and there are keys left on there………..the keys will always be there tempting me………….but I must constantly remember where my gambling takes me and therefore always follow my heart and stay away from that first bet.

I am a compulsive gamble and when I make the choice to gamble I am the worse person in the world, I want to be me again…….I want to be that innocent, kind hearted, loving boy I once was before I had to make the choice between life and death (sounds very melodramatic but it was where I was at in life) looking back there were many other options but as a 14 year old boy I couldn’t see them at the time.

I am very grateful for what I have learnt in life and in fairness dont turn 39 until the end of this month so God willing still have many years left in me, sorry for going on but just wanted to share a little about my life with you all.

I havent gambled today and yesterday I went to the shops and brought a 21 pence tomato…..something I have never done before (going out walking past a bookies and then spending so little) I really hope things are changing and deep down I know they are.

Thank you all for listening, reading, hearing and understanding, my very best to each and everyone of you, I hope you all can dig deep and stay strong to fight this addiction as always „one day at a time”

„we are all different but very much the same”

Maverick (Lee)

[vera]

Thanks for sharing your story, Lee and for your post to my thread. Gambling provides a great escape from Life’s issues and can even make us feel good for a while, but we know by now that it only leads to more grief and will always end in tears. For that reason there should be no excuse for us to create more turmoil in our lives. You have many years ahead to pick up the pieces. Does your wife know about your G problem? Maybe she could use the F and F forum to seek some support. I hope you will continue to made positive strides in recovery, odaat.

[maverick.]

Thanks for the reply Vera, yes my wife knows about my gambling and has pretty much all the time I have gambled, she didnt know I was a compulsive gambler until I told her about 4 years ago and admitted I had a problem and she never really new to the extent it went, its probably no consalation but I have always provided for my wife and kids, always looked after them as best I could but have also caused the unneeded and unwanted stress and suffering.

My wife wont talk to others about it as in truth I think she is embrassed by me and I accept and understand that, I have shown her the friends and family section on here and said do whatever you need to do and tell me if I can do anything else to help apart from the obvious, I left her with that and for all I know she is in here sharing, at the moment we seem to be OK but life has alot of stress and at times (like everyone) people grow apart and thats when you have to make time and spend quality time together and basicly get to know each other again, the children need alot of time as they are 5 and 9 and I spend alot of time with them……………I have always spent alot of time with them but in truth if I havent of gambled for 24years I would have spent alot more time with many people, in truth I cannot change what I have done and it has made me the man I am today, I am happy with alot of me and not happy with the other 50% but hey life is a work in progress and as long as I dont gamble thats the major part of the bad gone……I must always remember that and hold onto that thought.

I love my wife and two children and always will (silly thing to say I know as I am sure everyone loves there partner and children) but I always tell them and make sure they know it, whatever I have done, whatever I am, I promise you I love and care about people and that is something I will always do, glad you stayed gamble free Vera and so really happy for you, after placing that first bet again I always feel ripped apart and soul destroyed……..even if that first one is a winning one I still feel sick because I know I have just stepped back on that same old rollercoaster……..you know the one I mean, the one that doesnt stop until you get right to the bottom and you end up crashing and causing you and everyone next to you alot of pain and suffering AGAIN……..just for today I will not gamble and with that I am so very happy.

My very best to each and everyone of you, I hope you are all doing well, and living gamble free one day at a time, there is always hope no mater how deep you are in, people who want to change, can change and do change, take care and speak soon.

Maverick (Lee)

[female g]

We all relate to your story and know that we must stop the one thing that we never thought could cause such damage to us , those we love and to the life we live verses the life we want to live.. We all find reasons as to why we start gambling and try to unravel those reasons in an effort to stop the madness. The thing is I think, its the „feel good” that we felt when we innocently walked in those first few times. We chased it thinking it would always be there. Wrong!!!! Nothing worth having comes that easily. We work hard for everything else in life and we would never act so carelessly for what s important in life. We are never so irresponsible with decissions that affect our families well being . If we stop giving in to the compulsion we will be able to be the people we truly are.
I see the connection between that young boy (14 year old you) and the draw that made you feel good when you were feeling so bad. It was the first time you felt in control and able to turn those feelings around. No matter what you believe you must dig deep into healing that 14 boy and give yourself a chance to know the wonderful man that is now full grown.
Change can often come if we focus on the need of others as well. Your small children can be that focus.
Look into the basic ways you stopped yourself in the past from going and implement them. Put all those barriers in place. I know giving up control is very difficult but essential. Depend on your partner for support through your honesty and vulnerability. Give her the facts and teach her to know the pitfalls you face each and every day.
Love yourself enough to regain your ability to fight as hard as you can to remain gamble free. Mistakes will be made but the damage can be curbed and you can always move beyond the mistakes to keep moving ahead.
There are no judgements here and we all need to listen to the things we say to each other and to our selves.
Keep up the good fight and keep posting ok FG

[maverick.]

Female G, thank you very much for your response it means a great deal to me, I hope you are keeping well and just for today gamble free.

I have been working hard and staying out trouble, had some nice time with the kids this weekend just gone, teaching my lad to play chess, doing his (sorry helping him) with his science homework, just spent some good quality time with them and it was enjoyable……..I look at them and think my they are growing fast, time is very precious let me always remember that.

I am tired but my mind is in a good place, just for today I will not gamble and with that I am very happy.

I wish each and everyone of you all the very best and hope you are getting the happiness you deserve, take care all and speak soon.

Maverick (Lee)

[maverick.]

Just for today I didnt gamble,
Just for today I have a life worth living,
Just for today I did something good,
Just for today I didnt hurt anybody,
Just for today I followed my heart,
Just for today I didnt lie,
Just for today I didnt steal,
Just for today I cared about the consequences of my actions,
Just for today there was peace in my heart,
Just for today I had no hatred,
Just for today I loved everyone,
Just for today I could see my faults,
Just for today I was the real me.

I wish each and everyone of you all the happiness in the world, I have lost so much because I am a compulsive gambler but I promise I have also learnt so much about myself and life, I cannot change what I have done (I wish I could) but what I can do is do the very best I can just for today and with that as long as I do it I am happy.

There is no perfect person in the world and I am far far from it but just for today I will be the best person I can.

Take care and thank you to whoever reads, listens, understands or relates, I wish you all well.

Maverick (Lee)

[maverick.]

Last night I had dreams of gambling, very real very strong dreams, this morning I woke up and since then have had major urges to gamble, I know what the outcome will be and I really don’t won’t to gamble but on the flip side I have really strong urges and won’t to gamble, I thought I would share and write it down so I can look back on it and understand.

I have just made sure this past hour I have no money and no access to any money, I have just gone to the shop with my boy and brought a nice peace of pork, I am back home now just started cooking the family a roast dinner.

Life is full of temptation and at times I am very weak, I have gambled all my life since I was 14 years old and next week I turn 39 so I understand I will be tempted at times but I just have to thing the whole outcome through, the only outcome I have experienced when gambling is pain, suffering, hurt, depression, desperation, and many more bad emotions for myself but also for the people around me who care.

Anyway I am a compulsive gambler but just for today I am going to try my very best not to gamble, thanks for listening and wish each and everyone of you all the very best in the world.

Icandothis thank you from the bottom of my heart once again for getting started back on the right road…..the road to recovery.

Maverick

[icandothis]

You are so welcome, Maverick. Those urges will come. I used to feel bad about the fact that I had urges and that I still wanted to gamble. But, now I accept the fact that they will come, I have to live with them, but I don’t have to act upon them. Do something more rewarding. Like make a pork roast for you and your family! Sounds delicious.
My kids are coming over later to watch what we believe is a very important football game on TV. It’s snowing outside, so we will have a fire inside. I’m making marinated lamb, baked orzo, and brussel sprouts. My husband will have to grill it outside during half-time. We’re supposed to get 6 inches of snow. He’ll make a big deal about it, but he loves it, and he loves having his kids home, and he really loves watching football, especially with his family. I’m pretty excited, too! I better get up and get the house ready and get cooking. Enjoy your weekend!

[maverick.]

Hope you have a wonderful weekend Ican, sounds like it should be lovely, take care and look after yourself, thanks for your support and kind words, hope your weekend is full of happiness.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Feeling drained, temptation everywhere, many gambling thoughts but havent acted on them, must stay away from that first bet, just for today I will not gamble.

Maverick

[maverick.]

So I thought long and hard about placing a bet today, I got the money, I had the time, I had the thought but I didnt want it enough………….meaning I thought the whole thing through, I may have won but then I thought even if I did win I would be back gambling again (on everything and anything) and by the weekend I know it would have all gone and any more I could have got my hands on gone with it, when I gamble I cannot stop so the only answer is not to gamble.

Today I wasnt at my best and havent been for a few days but I am still gamble free, I know I need to work on a few things to help keep my recovery going as always one day at a time and I will work hard at making myself a better person and a massive part of that is living a gamble free life.

Thank you for listening, reading and maybe understanding, I am very happy to be here sharing in my recovery and look forward to reading all your shares as always, wish you all well in your recovery and life, take care.

Maverick

[female g]

Even more amazing when you don’t let gambling be the thing to go to when having a ad day. Its a huge struggle but you should pat yourself on the back for bating down the urge.FG

[maverick.]

Thanks for the support FG, still fighting the urge as always one day at a time, just finished work after a long hard week, driving home and had very strong thoughts of going to have a gamble……I told myself dont be so stupid and go for a pint instead so here I am sitting by a warm log fire in a nice counrty pub having a chill out and a pint of cider……………beats throwing ££££££££ away any day of the week and I can live with spending £3.25 or even £6.50 if I stay for a second one, I am just sitting here thinking and reflecting on life tomorrow I turn 39 years old and was just thinking how things could have been different……..in truth we are born, we live our life and then we pass on, it happens to us all…..the only thing that maters in what we do in our lifetime is how we treat others, there are people everywhere doing different things working different jobs, leading different lives, looking after different people, God help me always remember not to be easily angered, be quick to listen and slow to speak and most importantly love everyone.

„I am not the best person in the world and in fact I am very far from it but I promise you I am not the worse”

As always thanks for listening, I wish each and everyone of you all the very best, I just want to say I have been thinking of a few people recently that I have lost touch with and want to send you all my very best and hope you are all keeping well, you will always hold a place in my heart for one reason or another and that I will share with you all when our paths next cross, so for Sherrie, Lorraine and Jay my thoughts are often with you and I hope you all have or will find the happiness you all deserve.

Take care and speak soon.

Maverick (Lee)

[vera]

Happy Birthday for tomorrow, Lee. It’s my son’s birthday on the 29th too. I spent the morning pushing through crowds to get him a present and am up to my elbows baking and cooking now. Just about to decorate his cake. I HOPE he turns up tomorrow, but knowing his track record, I won’t hold my breath.
Where did all those years go? It scares me. Especially when I think of the time I wasted!
Well done on making a wise decision.
Gambling spoils everything!

[maverick.]

Thanks for your well wishes Vera, I really hope your lad turns up and hope you have a wonderful day, sounds like you have put alot of effort in, take care and speak soon, I am another year older today but am I any the wiser!!!!

Maverick

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