[lelbow]

Today is day one… Sort of. Meaning I knew I had a problem a few years ago… And I stopped for a bit. But that didn’t last. I have a great husband and a great job, where I have a stupid high salary. Guess how much I have in savings?? Nothing. Because every Friday when I get that direct deposit….. The gambling begins. My games have been online slots. I started playing about 7 years ago on the only site I knew of in the US. I had lost my job and Googled „how to make money online.” And so it began. I won a couple of times. And that felt great. I got a new job and had plenty of money. Eventually I became a VIP, which promised faster payouts …. So I played more. I would always play just enough. Only „spending money.” It was like that for the first few years. I wasn’t going into debt, but I wasn’t saving. Then I lost my job again. (downsizing). I didn’t play much….. Until I started the job I have now. I make a very nice salary. I have for 3 years. And I have NOTHING. Eventually I told my husband and I shut of my access to the site. I was good for a while. Then I received and email about a NEW site. 30 seconds later I was playing. I’ve been down and out a few times. My husband knows but doesn’t understand how I can continue to do it… Nor do I. I’ve stopped sooooo many times. The last time was for a while and I did great, but for some reason…. Over the last few days…. I gambled my entire paycheck. My bank is overdrawn. I missed payments that were already late. I’ll have to wait til next week to get back on track. My credit is garbage. I am so alone. I’m so afraid to tell my husband about this last time. He’s mentioned that it’s broken trust and that just kills me. The guilt is overwhelming. Today is the first I’ve ever reached out for help. I canceled my account on the sites and I think that will help tremendously. I just want to stop. And get back in my feet. Get back to a normal place and life. I HATE THIS FEELING. I hate the fear. I hate the guilt. I don’t want to ever feel this way again.

[lelbow]

Day 2. I feel oddly empowered. Even though I have NO money until next Friday. I feel better today than yesterday, so here’s to tomorrow!

[Cherilyn]

I am also a successful woman.. taking one day at a time. I’m starting to think I hate gambling but it does not stop my impulse to want to go. We can do this, I know we can.

[charles]

Hi Cherilyn, some of what i am about to post to lelbow might well apply to your self as well but please also start your own thread where you can get support and feedback for yourself. Just scroll to the bottom of the My Journal forum and click on New Topic.

Lelbow, I hope you are reading the other stories here, you will see many that you wil relate to. You will aslo see the success stories – what are they doing that you can apply to your own stuation?

Well done on cancelling those sites. Did you get yourself banned from them as well? You can also get a blocker for your PC that will stop you finding another site. http://www.gamblock.com is one though there are others.

You will see on the other stories here that barriers like this help. Financial barriers as well. When you get paid how about setting an automatic transfer up so that your money moves to an account that you don’t have access to? Your husband could set up one for that. It would still be your money of course, just that accountability like that would mean you had MORE control over it as you wouldn’t be able to access funds to gamble with.

Your husband has said that this has broken trust? Of course it has. Trust doesn’t get rebuilt by words and promises, especially ones that have been said/made before. Actions speak louder than words and it’s actions like the ones I have described that will both make it harder for you to place your next bet and at the same time give your husband cause to think „Hmm, maybe she means it this time.”

Keep posting, you stopped befroe, this time you will have support both now when youa re stopping and ongoing to maintain your recovery.

keep posting and let us know the positive actions that you are starting to take.

[lelbow]

Wow!!! Thank you SO much for that!! And thanks to Cherilyn for posting as well.

One of the most poignant moments over the past 12 hours has been the realization that the ONLY other person in my life who I’ve EVER mentioned this to is my husband. NO ONE else has any clue.

And now I’ve told all of you- people that understand. The immense feeling of freedom in just that has been amazing. I nearly cried when I received Cherlyn’s reply- I truly appreciated the „WE” can do this.

I’ve also been trying to think about the „why” behind it all. For me, it is really the online casinos. The brick and mortar casinos just don’t have the same „draw” to me. I can walk into a regular casino and feel nothing. I think it has something to do with tangible cash. In a casino, I have to go to the ATM and make the DECISION to withdraw the money- THEN stick it into the machine. With online gaming, it’s nothing more than the click of a button, $20 at a time. And I never SEE the money…. until I check my bank account.

That’s almost the most ridiculous part. That’s how I played…. $20 at a time. To equal THOUSANDS. It’s always „just another $20 bucks.”

I’m not sure how to get myself banned from the sites- can you add more info?

And I’ll buy the blocking software as soon as I get paid next week.

Today is day 3. And I feel good. I reached out to a credit repair group for advice. I can’t go anywhere but up!!

This forum is really a HUGE help.

[lelbow]

I nearly cried when I read this. You are the FIRST person, besides by husband, that „knows.” That was really a liberating feeling. We CAN do this. I KNOW we can.

[charles]

The important thing right now is stopping. You may never know the „Why?” The short answer is because it is an addiction, why we have it and not others? No idea.

I would think it is an impossibility to ban from all sites – that’s where the blocking software and financial accountability come sin. Using support is important if we could do it on our own then we wouldn’t need support in the first place. As you seem to be online right now then maybe pop into the New Members group that is currently open, you would be welcome in the groups that follow as well.

Be careful with those bricks and mortar casinos – it’s a GAMBLING addiction, once you cut off the online access then the „real” casinos might start to seem more attractive as the addiction looks for another way to get it’s fix.

Keep posting and hopefully I will see you in a groups soon.

Remember payday has been a gambling day for you in the past – try and put as much as you can in place BEFORE payday.

[lelbow]

Today is day 4, and again, better than yesterday.

Steps I’ve taken-

1. Contacted support to both sites I have access to. Asked them to cancel and ban me from the site.
2. Set up a budget- so I can see my paycheck come in and HOW MUCH MONEY I’LL HAVE TO PAY MY BILLS!!!! I’ve created the running budget into the future so I can see how much I will save. It give me a goal.
3. Set up an automatic transfer to my husband’s account. As soon as my paycheck hits, the majority will be transferred to my husband’s account, which I do not have access to. This is huge. I’m struggling with giving up „control,” but that’s the issue anyway, right??!!!
4. Visit the forums every day- I’ve started commenting on other posts- it REALLY helps to keep the focus on the fact that I am not alone in this. If my problem can help someone else’s problem, and vice-versa, then at least I can see a little positivity in the struggle.

WE CAN DO THIS.

[charles]

Well done lelbow, all positive steps.

As I said before – having the money in your husband’s account will give YOU more control over it than any of us have when we are gambling.

Keep posting.

[vera]

Four excellent steps on Day 4!
It took me years and a ton of money to get to that stage
I will read your whole thread tomorrow
Well after midnight here
Just want to say
WELL DONE!

[lelbow]

It’s morning 5. Still doing ok. Just a few things to note. I had dreams last night. The main dream was that I won a „random jackpot” of 3K on the game crystal waters. A stupid freaking slot. I woke up and for a split second, thought it was real. And I had the „urge.” It’s the first time I really felt it as an URGE, because before, I would give into it before I questioned it. Like my mind thought it was „ok” because it was in a dream.

I decided to allow myself to focus on the urge, knowing that I couldn’t play. And I was able to consciously FEEL myself struggle. Like the angel and the devil. I want to learn more about the urge, or at least focus on it, so I can identify it when it happens. I need to be smarter than my brain (LOL!!). I need to make the urge the enemy and PROVE to IT (and me) that I am not giving into it. It’s like there is a little dude in my head that is manipulating me, selling it to me, telling me „just one more $20.” I beat him this am, so that’s ONE battle that I won.

I then realized that I never got a response to one of my „self-exclude” emails to slotocash. I checked again, and sure enough, there was one of their „marketing bonus” emails sitting in my inbox. Now, I never played with a bonus b/c I HATE the playthrough requirements, but just the logo in the email made me want to play.

I immediately logged in, which made me kind-of A. Excited (with was the bad dude in my head) and B. Sick to my stomach. I then went to a live chat and let them know that I had emailed and got no response and that I needed my account to be cancelled and I needed to self-exclude. She said I had to sign a form, which was emailed immediately. I open the email, with the form attached, and OMG- this is what the email says!!!!!

„We are in receipt of your account closure request.

we are sad to see you have made this decision.

Please be assured that your custom is very important to us and we would very much appreciate your full feedback as we would like to rectify any issues you may have.

If you wish to give Slotocash another try, please don’t hesitate to contact for complimentary offer.

We invite you to come and Chat with us to find out our hottest games and to stay updated on our exciting promotions!

Should you require any further information or assistance, please feel free to contact us anytime.

Best regards,”

A freaking „Complimentary Offer”!!!!!

These people are GREAT at marketing to us CG’s!!! They know RIGHT where to get ya!!! They pick you up „Oh you’re a VIP now!!! FASTER PAYOUTS!!!” Then you fall on your face.

Thankfully, I was able to SEE IT as a marketing ploy. A marketing ploy to the dude in my head to tell me „Go ahead!! See?? They want you!! They LIKE you!! They NEED you!!! You’re one of their best customers!!”

What a pile of BS. And that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself- WHAT A PILE OF BS!!!!!!!!!

I filled out the form, signed it, and sent it back. They can shove their marketing ploys up their as**s.

[lelbow]

Thank you Vera!! And believe me…. it HAS been YEARS and a TON…. TONS of money.

WELL DONE to you as well!!! We’ve GOT THIS!!

[lelbow]

Day 15- Still going strong!!

Payday came and went- and instead of Gambling- I PAID BILLS!!!!

As of now, I still feel the urge a bit. My main successes have been blocking and self-excluding from the sites. That has made the biggest difference. Just telling myself- I CAN’T PLAY.

I WON’T PLAY.

So far so good. Here’s to tomorrow!

[vera]

Well done on 15 G free days
The early days are the most difficult.

[finding_laura]

Good for you!!! Tell the man where to get off! 🙂 On a serious note, amazing job getting those barriers up and in place for when you get urges. And soon or later, one pops up its ugly little head. Each day you see progress must feel good! Well done! Laura

[vera]

Better not to read those emails
Just press „delete” as soon as they pop up.

[i-did-it]

Wow Lelbow- that is really impressive – I am starting to understand how you have become a successful woman- u have great drive and willpower .
I have been trying to kick this „habit” for many years . I’m not sure if I missed t but did u buy that gambling blocker for your computer and phone- if not please do so immediately .
Keep posting !

[lelbow]

I did install a gaming blocker on my computer and phone. I’m still doing OK with the urges- really facing them head-on. The biggest thing is TIME. I have SO MUCH MORE TIME!!! I knew I spent so much time gambling, but now that I’m not doing it, i truly see HOW MUCH TIME it really was. Hours, days wasted.

I told my husband about this forum…. but I waited until day 12. I wasn’t sure if I would tell him at all, but then I just blurted it out. I KNEW I had to do it on my own to start. I had to prove it to myself. It had to be MY accountability. I couldn’t do it for him. Had I told him right away, I would’ve been coming here every day because I told him I would. Once I was able to do it on my own for a while (and in the CG world, 12 days seems like a LONG time), then it was MY thing. And telling him was for me.

Not sure if that makes any sense.

I think he’s a little relieved that this forum exists- he knows that I have others to talk to that understand. 🙂

[lelbow]

Day 23- Still going! Tomorrow is Payday, which was always my weakness. It’ll be the 2nd payday since my „Day One.” But I feel strong.

The tools that I have put in place have really helped. I’ve been able to push through the urges by A. Not having access and B. Thinking about where I was on Day 1.

My tools have been:

1. Blocking Access- I’m in the US, so it’s much harder for me to play online as there are only a few options. I was never into sports betting or poker- takes too long! LOL!! I was always in for the INSTANT gratification. Big money fast. I could drive to a brick and mortar casino, but that takes too much effort- and- again, you have to go to the ATM, which is REAL money in hand. I’m more of a „sit in my pjs in front of the screen and spin, spin, spin” person. With „self-exclusion” from the online casinos, I have eliminated my ability to play. That has been the BIGGEST help. And it was SO empowering. It felt good to send those emails.

2. Budgeting- I have a running spreadsheet with all bills, spending $ and savings. And we have started saving for a NICE vacation. We’ve never gone on a nice vacation because I always spent all of our money. Prior to the budget and savings, on payday, I would PLAY to get money for the bills. It was always „20 more bucks and I could have $1000! Then pay of all the bills!!” The $1000 never came and there I was with nothing. Chasing the loss….. over and over and over.

3. Reading the forum- This has been VERY helpful. I’m no longer alone with my thoughts. I can come here and focus on the fact that I am not alone and that there are others out there just like me. I realize now that gambling for me was very lonely. I didn’t realize how lonely I really was.

4. Pride- I take pride in what I’ve accomplished in 23 days. I’m happier, sleeping better and MUCH less stressed.

THE PAIN, LYING, STRESS, GUILT, TEARS, FEAR LONELINESS ARE NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!

[charles]

Well done on your gamble free time and on the positive steps that you are taking. keep posting.

[finding_laura]

Many of us struggle for years with this addiction. And then sometimes, somehow, with the support we get from places like here and GA, something will click finally and recovery will catch hold. Something that stops the madness and lets us really look at the insanity of it all with that first bit of clarity. Very well done one your hard won first steps of recovery. You are attacking it from all sides this addiction! And that is how you beat it back and start to get back your life. I’m happy for you paying bills and saving for that nice vacation! Soooo much more rewarding. Well done. keep it up. Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Lelbow .
It’s such a great feeling to watch those gamble free days build up and to actually not be counting the minutes until pay day . Life can be great if we let it be . Charles often says something in group like if u have suffered with this addiction and then are in recovery the joy we get from things like holidays is so huge – the contrast between before and now means we get amazing enjoyment from things we have earned or saved for. Well done on your barriers and your gamble free time .

[lelbow]

Here it is… Day 39…. my 3rd payday since A. Quitting B. Joining the Forum and C. Self-Excluding.

I have thought about gambling, I have wanted to gamble for VERY fleeting moments. I know it’s still in my blood.

But I have not gambled.

I feel GREAT, I feel so much more motivated than I did when I was playing. My stress level is less. I am happier. And I feel free.

THANK YOU to this group for being there…. and existing.

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!

[vera]

Great to hear a positive update.
I was thinking of posting to you but sometimes I feel I harass people too much!!
Today is my 500th G free day.

[lelbow]

LOL!! Thanks for thinking of me! Not harassing!!

And 500!!!!!!! That’s just awesome…. and inspiring!

Do something nice for yourself to celebrate your incredible achievement!!

[Névtelen]

Like Vera I’ve felt like dropping you a line, I always feel like I go on too much. You’re doing amazing, well done seems like you’ve grasped recovery with both hands. Long may it continue, keep it up and please keep posting.

Well done.

Geordie.

[lelbow]

59 days! I have not gambled. Every day gets easier.

I can honestly say that I feel SO much better!! SO MUCH.

Yes- there is a „twinge” here and there where I think about it…. then I think of what I’ve been able to accomplish since NOT gambling.

My Power and Cable bills both have a 0.00 balance…. for the first time in over a year….

I’ve been able to buy things…. I’ve been able to not worry about groceries and food and fun.

I am free!!

But- I reminded myself today to stop back over here in the forum. This is therapy for me as I am not CURED. I must always remember that I am a compulsive, addicted gambler. And I MUST not forget that.

Thank you forum for being my main tool.

[vera]

Sixty days now!
Brilliant!
One day at a time. Stay focused!

[kathryn]

You are dead right, there is no cure for this addiction.
Like any illness, medication is required.
Whatever that medicine may be….GA, GT, self exclusion
Taking that medicine is working recovery.
I hope you are well, I loved reading your posts, to see the positives slowly emerge.
The gambling fog is lifting for you, what a wonderful feeling.
I too was amazed at how much time I spent gambling. And now, all these years later I am amazed how I ever found the time to gamble. I feel like I don’t have a single minute to spare!
That, my friend, is called living!!!!!!
Take care, K xx

[Szerző]

Bejegyzés