[anotsohiddenlife]

Gambling Helps me Escape.

The thing is I don’t want to escape. I want to cope.
It makes me forget, only slightly for a moment or so. Helps me escape everything in my mind. I didn’t have a great childhood, this is no excuse. I am the worst person for believing you should just pick yourself up and get on with it which I suppose at this minute makes me one big hypocrite but it’s hard, most of the time I do get on with it but something on the TV, the news, radio reminds me and it all rears its big ugly head like it happened yesterday. I feel sick, can’t eat, can’t sleep just round and round in my head it goes.
All the things that hurt me, that worry me for them few moments just disappear. I have low if any self confidence, I work in a pub so you may find this hard to believe but I am brilliant at putting on an act, putting on my smiling face, something I learnt when I was very young. I hate my body, I hate the way I look, I still find it hard to be intimate with my husband, and we have been married for four years. This can’t be right.
 I also suffer with nerves and IBS this is a massive factor in my life. Every time I go to work or go out shopping I have to use the toilet 3 or 4 sometimes more times before setting of. I feel relatively safe in our car but taxis buses or anything like that I just get really frightened. I get stomach pains and have to sit on the toilet half an hour before I go out and spend the whole time travelling worrying if I will make it to the toilet. I know this probably sounds so stupid but that’s what happens.
I feel lonely. I love my children to the ends of this earth but sometimes it’s so hard not having any adult conversation. I only have one proper friend and with the hours I work and the children being in school I don’t get to see her anymore. I have a feeling I needed her more than she needed me. This also hurts a lot as she is a mum i felt i could talk to her about things.
Me and my husband hardly see each other. He works days, six days a week and I work four nights a week. When I’m working he literally just comes through the door and I go out of it. We are doing this because this is what we need to do to get through but I hate it. Sometimes I work till 1 am and then have to be up with the kids at 6 am it’s really hard.
The nights we do get where I’m not working we don’t make enough effort to spend time with each other we hardly get out as we don’t really have people to look after the children. We are both just so tired he will play his computer games, I will watch TV. We just don’t have the energy to make the effort. Our intimacy is near enough none existent.
Money is a constant struggle we scrape by but that is it. We work so hard for minimum wage near enough but we never have anything so show for it. We are always juggling the bills. Anything new we absolutely need goes on the catalogue which then makes us struggle more. It’s just one big circle. Today the car got broken into stereo gone, window put through. More money, there literally is always something.
 Gambling Helps Me Escape.
The thing is I don’t want to escape. I want to cope.
But I don’t know where to start or how to. Some of this has been following me around since I was a child. How do I change that? My escape only lasts a few moments then comes a big empty numbness that lasts far longer till I get my next hit. Like an alcoholic or a drug taker, I just wait for my next hit.
I just don’t know how to deal with it. I have tried and failed on numerous occasions. The last time I told my husband and it broke my heart in two. Yet here I am again. Feeling the same again. I don’t know if I want to deal with it, well really I don’t but I have to I can’t keep doing this.
So gambling doesn’t help me, doesn’t help me at all. It just makes things one hundred times worse."The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket." — Kin Hubbard

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