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I’m thirty years old now and instead of the life I imagined at this point whereby which I owned my own home, had a good job and maybe even a family, I am £13,000 in debt, doing a high pressurised recruitment job in a sector I don’t like and to top it all off I’ve ended up managing to owe a Vicar £600, a Vicar… And I was supposed to pay him back this coming Tuesday and I can’t and can barely just pay the rent… Why?… yes you guessed it, I relapsed. It’s got progressive over the years, for that there is no doubt. For 9 years it has dogged my life. I am a sensible person as a whole when not gambling. I think things through, weigh up the pros and cons before deciding decisions and do well with the majority of what I put my mind too, but this insidious disease and lets be honest, for a compulsive problem gambler it is just that, only gets worse if left unchecked, as it has wrecked my life systematically over and over again. Why do I do it? How is it that I can gamble a months wages in a day and then either have not even enough money to pay the rent or just only just enough to cover it and end up walking 6 miles to work and then the same back until pay day whilst living off value canned food. Its painful to talk about but I have to do it. I have been a member of GA for years and I had 3 months of abstinence up until this Christmas, and had really impressed my family in how I had dealt with my creditors, negotiated them down and had taken my problems by the horns and wrestled them to the ground. I was going to 2 meetings a week, and then came Christmas and it knocked me for six. Because I had gone to the isle of wight to see my mum, brother and the dogs, I had 10 days away from my meetings, thinking I was fine but before I knew it I couldn’t wait to get boxing day out of the way and make up an excuse for needing to leave early, as I listened to that foolish voice on my left shoulder, saying we can make enough money before you start work so you can go back in and quit and you can then get a good job you like and finish that film script! Consequently from there, I lost 3 months in succession of wages back to back, 3-4 days for all of it and became more dependant on the job I wanted to leave. I can’t gamble normally, although with enough time away from meetings I can quite easily convince myself I can, and that things will be different. They never are, just normally worse than the last time. This gambling problem has destroyed relationships I had with some lovely women because I became a hermit and couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror any more, let alone take them out for dinner (plus most of the time I couldn’t afford it). It’s destroyed me getting a good degree, and my attempt to do a degree whilst working. It’s angered my loved ones, stripped me away from actioning my dreams and robbed me at certain points of my confidence. Its an invisible to the outside world enemy that comes at me with sharp talk, con talks of getting rich quick and escapism. Its the escapism and impatience that has brought me back to it time and time again. So I have done it again and now have to go and speak to my Vicar to which I am now living in one of the church flats that he set up for me and tell him I can’t pay him back when I said I would, but will do in 3 month instalments from here on, and let him know I am going to rehab. Lets hope he doesn’t evict me. I don’t think he will but you never know how people will act when you owe them money. So whats my driving force for having to get a new job, a weekly paid one and negotiate further with the bank, and the payday loans and face the music when the batteries of people’s patience must be wearing thin? Gordon Moody thank god. I am accepted on to rehab and am awaiting a date to come onto the programme. At first I was apprehensive, but now I can’t wait to go. To take this once in a life time opportunity to take 3 months out to build piece of mind in my head, to tackle the root causes of all of this life I have lead and to come out knowing I am ready to push on making my life good again, then great, whilst topping up what I would have learned there from then on in with my weekly GA meeting, yes its safe to say I can’t wait to get started. I am really looking forward to it. I now know I need it and look forward to making the most of it so I can lead a permanent gamble free life through being aware of how it has affected me, and how I can assure I never gamble again. Even after this therapy is done, I doubt I’ll be cured as is the understanding of a problem gambler, but I have a strong feeling I will be confident in knowing how to take handle any situation that temps me to gamble and can therefore remain vigilant, ensuring a gamble free life like other GA members who have stayed off for decades and never gambled again. Ah, just the idea of it to me is a beautiful thing. Take care all, Ed
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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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Hi Ed, well done on looking for help. You can stop gambling but you are right, we are never “cured.” At GMA you will get the tools which will help you stop gambling and lead a gambl free life, if you apply them moving forward.
By using the support you have here and at GA you can then maintain your recovery and continue your progress.
If GA helped you befroe then I hope you are getting back to meetigns while you wait to get your place at GMA.
Keep posting.
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Hi Ed
Pleased to see you’ve been accepted to GMA, any news on a date yet?
I’ve been through the programme and it certainly can help you turn your life completely around.
Your situation sounds bleak and I imagine that you feel pathetically stupid and embarrassed at your own situation. Your situation will improve dramatically if you embrace all you learn at GMA, it will give you the opportunity to be 100% honest about everything you wont need to minimise things in the way that we quite often do. You can leave there a new man.
I have gambled a lot since I left 7 years ago, not a stunning accolade and probably not what you want to hear, however I didn’t need to gamble and I know several people who completed the programme and have never gambled since. I know of many more.
You’re right to say it isn’t a magic cure, nothing is, not even GA or counselling. But all of these things individually or collectively will give you the tools and necessary gumption to say no to gambling.
You can live a great life not just without gambling, but without even wanting to gamble.
I hope you get a date soon, please let us know.
Take care.
Geordie.
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