[Jason32]

Yesterday I made the decision to self exclude from my most recent betting site. I’ve tried to stop so many times and after another massive relapse it just seems to be getting worse. It all started to get too serious at 25 after I had a nervous breakdown due to the loss of a significant relationship and my gambling got out of control. I remember eventually being 5k down managing to get half back and swearing to walk away for good. Then at 27 when I moved away from home and got depressed I gambled worse than ever for nearly 3 years then after being clean on and off for 6/9 months moving into my own house. Being alone, dealing with the stress of social life, work living on a budget and then what do I do, I got silly with my money again and dug a massive hole! Ga didn’t work for me, I have Betfilter on My laptop but as I own an Iphone I managed to gamble on there. I have excluded myself for life from all the big Online bookies but then a new one will come out and once I get bored of debt taking ages to clear itself. Miss the buzz, certain triggers for me heavy duress and stress, seeing results for sports thinking I would have backed that or hearing of others big wins. My problem is is whilst I feel terrible now I fear these feelings of despair will simply fall by the wayside like the passage of time like they always do. I don’t want this to be my future , I am 15k in debt now , I shudder to think how long it will take to pay off! If I’m lucky I estimate 14-months to 2 years! at least 8k of that is gambling debt and I can’t the figures out of my mind thinking what else it could have been put towards I think in my life time so far I could be around 40k down. Today was the worst I’ve been in this situation so many times but returning to work feeling trapped like your stuck in your job stuck in your home and social situation. Today I had to restructure all my boring into a 15k loan I felt like such a failure and it felt so demoralising I’m 32 no girlfriend and a shit load of debt! I just fear this will be the cycle now for the rest of my life, today just dragged felt like I was working for nothing other than to take months at a time to pay off hours of disappointment feeding this filthy illness. It’s ruining my Christmas I have a date lined up things with friends too and just feel like cancelling them all and locking myself away from the world until everything is paid . I had stupid thoughts of would I be better off dead, what would happen If I lost my house went bankrupt?
Today is my first day clean I am trying to let the blow of shock, disappointment and anxiety subside. Other than buying my house in April, I can’t remember the last time my account was in credit I just want to have healthy finances, savings , bank account in credit money there for a rainy day not to be heavily in the red like this. I know it’s my fault but I just feel like I hate the world right now and that I’m living in a prison the only positive I can see is the cutbacks I now intend to make with food, I need to lose some timber!!

[Dunc]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Jason
In my view, failures don’t ask for support and you have – that is a giant step, make it the first of many.
I hope you haven’t cancelled your date with friends because sitting alone with your thoughts will not help you achieve your goal. As you begin to recover friends are important – provided of course they are not talking about gambling. Do you have family to talk to?
Maybe I am odd but I think that 2 or even 3 years to clear debts is a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of your life, in control of your addiction and with your self-confidence and self-esteem restored. 32 is a good time to look back just long enough to survey the wreckage of your addiction but then it is important to turn to today, the start of the rest of your life. You can only deal with today Jason, nobody can ask more of you. Just for today fill your time with things that are not gambling related and then maybe in your next post you can report the things you enjoyed. There is always someone listening.
GA doesn’t work for everybody but here you can off-load the stresses of your life, instead of sitting alone thinking. Ditching your iphone seems like a good idea to me if you are determined to change.
Keep posting Jason, you are not alone and you can change your life; it is within your power and I wouldn’t be here writing to you if I didn’t know that not only can you control your addiction but you can live an exceptional life for having the courage and determination to do so.
Velvet

[Jason32]

I’ve just been spending the last few days peicing things together, trying to make sense of it all.

Was speaking to my therapist today, I have been working on a budget and trying see the positives. I have 2 lodgers at the moment, I just hope that they stay on and help supplement some of this debt!

I’ve figured out if I significantly spend less I can clear a big chunk. If I reduce my food bill to £130 by cutting out treats and takeaways by March my debt will reduce from 15800 to 12200. If I get a annual bonus maybe even down to 10k. I just got to grit my teeth and see if I can get by on £70 for entertainment.

I’m just willing the time to go quickly taking each day and week and then month as it comes. I just want have a good balance in my accounts so i dont feel trapped so i feel secure for a rainy day if it takes 2 years to pay it all so be it.

It’s uncertainty at this stage that worries me, not knowing if I can manage on this budget not knowing when my lodgers will leave and if I can replace them. Guess there’s no point worrying about what you cant change!

I wrote a calendar out at work today highlighting each month how my debt could potentially lower and highlighting little things to look forward to each week like meal with friends or seeing family at xmas. It’s actually comforting that writing this itself eases the pain somewhat! If i cut these takeaways I could get my physical and financial shape made better, making lifestyle changes too so that this whole period can be stressless as possible, things like having a routine for chores, and cooking in bulk, getting to bed at a certain time so im early for work etc not tired and as vunerable to lifes stresses.

It takea real character for any of us, especially when been through this several times already in ones life to grit your teeth and fight it when all you feel like doing is curling up in a ball and letting the world spin until time has passed!
I’m going to try amd update this every few weeks/monthly or whenever I have something important to say.

Thank you for taking the time to write me such a kind message, I’ve been filling my time with classic films like the Godfather and playing computer games as soon as I feel ready to I’m going back to the gym too. I cant really tell my friends and family because they’ve known about my problems in the past and I just wanted to show them so badly that I have moved on with my life. I asked my bank to block me from borrowing any more money for a year so thats a start but yes when the chance permits i want to get an android phone as they have gambling blocking software. I just hate the little voices that tell u all the wrong stuff i dont want them ever twisting my arm again!

[izzi25]

First and foremost good on you for coming on here and being real, that takes courage. I saw myself in a lot of what you wrote, I can relate. I am a 33yo single female (single seems to feel worse when you are an cg) and I currently have $25,000 in debt (all gambling. I accumulated this debt in 4 months. Who in their right mind goes into $25000 debt 4 months? As of January this year my debt was clear! in the space of 6 months I dived straight back into debt after relapsing (was 7 months clean) . Out of all the things in my life that I have seen as bad re; single, dysfunctional family this was the WORSE. As you know with gambling we have MANY bad days, in fact nearly every day is a bad day. We also do plenty of irrational things and make really bad decisions. I have committed fraud and stolen from my family to get money to gamble and that is low. But the lowest of the lows was being 7 months clean, having no debt and having a couple of thousand saved to have it all undone in just a matter of weeks. I was seeing a counsellor at the time to help with the addiction and life was gold. I can’t tell you how empty the pit felt at that point. Or how in the many moments after feeling the despair of possibly always being alone. Not to mention how am I going to pay this debt? I can’t afford it and that is the simple truth.
My point is in all that I knew I had to remember no matter what my life is valuable. And their is no way I could let cg win, let it consume me until their was nothing left. Yes, I have lots of debt and I am screwed for at least the next 5 years. And I absolutely terrified of what tomorrow brings but I know I am not in it alone. We are family and we are here to listen and to help you. I have been battling this addiction since I was 25/26 an I used it to escape from reality. Because my reality was so bad I could not stand to be present. And that led to nothing but brokenness and despair.
However, it is not over, its never over not until I say it is and I will never do that.

Hang in their buddy we stand with you.

[Jason32]

Thanks for sharing your experience with me, I’ve come from a dysfuntional family too, from what my mum has told me, my dad has had a gambling addiction throughout his life my little sister did once and stole some money off my mum. Spoke to them both before and they both deny this was or is a problem for them!

I was a little cheeky yesterday and messaged and asked my dad for a little extra xmas money than usual because in addition to my recent losses I have had to buy a new car pay for repairs and suprisingly he said yes! Now it may only be an extra £100 but at the end of the day thats 2 nights out or meals or petrol money to say family that i wasn’t going to use for myself so I am very happy with that! I also asked my bank about there lodging rules as currently i only had till june to be within the 12 months allowed to have lodgers. The great thing is, I got the impression as long as you make all your payments on time and ask for permission in advance, there are no issues getting these things extended which is another weight off my shoulders.

It does make me question, what is important to me? Initially it was to try and get around 10k savings behind me. Now that I think about it though, just getting out of the debt, getting my house back to myself and then getting me a cat and a dog seems far more appealing.

Izzi, my heart goes out to you, I admire your fighting spirit, I have decided to go out with my friends this weekend still stick to the budget, but why lock yourself away?

I need to make some changes i reckon though, I need a phone where I can install gambling software, as soon as a quarter of the debt is paid get the overdraft completly removed get the block for my lending upgraded beyond the 12 months which means that if i ever needed borrowing id have to physically visit a branch to do it i want to take further measures this time around as the compulsions just come back after the passage of time and im determined to put up an even bigger fight this time!

[izzi25]

Our families are familiar my mum has had an addiction for at least the past 17 years off and on. She will deny until she is blue in the face that she as an addiction. She says she plays because she is bored, only spends a couple of hundred and doesn’t have major debt because of it. Gambling isn’t a daily thing for her but sure is a weekly thing, it has been off and on. And I remember when I first found out about the addiction, I was 16 yo and I felt so betrayed, I hated her.
When I got my first job I started saving up for university, back then the hourly rate was low, only worked a few hours a week but I worked and saved hard. One day I found a bank statement and their were all these withdrawals almost daily,. And I realised my mother drained my savings account which I worked so hard for! I was so angry and devastated. My mum use to steal my keycard and withdrew money out from within the bank it was very dodgy. I remember I never swore to be like her and here I am with the same addiction. I know I am not like her but I was angry with myself for so many years because of it. I can totally relate to you and I am so glad you are doing your research. And your beginning to implement healthy measures that is great. Really happy about your father giving you more money this christmas. I started a new job and I am working hard to get a bonus in the next few months.
My aim is to save as much as I can (have something to fall back on) and then pay off my smallest debt first and work from there. So glad you decided to go out tonight, I did also, had dinner out it was good.

Look forward to being kept updated.

[Jason32]

Hey Izzi thanks for sharing your story you have clearly been through a lot throughout your life, yet, you are clearly determined to be courageous and not let this defeat you!
As for me? I have found the last 2 weeks incredibly hard to manage, I just found out a few days ago that I wont be getting a bonus in march or a payrise as I have been marked inconsistent which i means i fell slightly below the objectives i have been set for myself! This makes me sad because I could have really done with the 2grand towards my debts and the negative appraisal effects my prospects for moving on within the company for a year. I just feel I am trapped due to the debt I have created , stuck in job which i dont enjoy, which i find boring and to which i feel undervalued. I have just constantly been thinking of how the time is going to drag to pay off my debt and how i am putting my life on hold for it whilst i am just getting older and older. In reality i just want a job i enjoy, minimal debt and to settle down and find a partner. I have just come back from a xmas weekend in Scotland with my mum and my brother and thinking about it all effected my enjoyment. I keep worrying about how i would manage if i lost my job, how would i pay my loan and mortgage so ive made a decision. My loan is currently 300 a month i was initially gonna put 1k down each month now i am gonna put the minimum 300 down and save the rest. That way if i hit the target figure , saving 15k by march 2017 ill pay it all off but alternatively if i was to lose my job 6months/10months down the line i would have at least 5k to last me a few months in between jobs. Been so tough though, i mean going into shops and not spoiling myself having to say no is hard. I met up with 2 old friends today who live in Scotland which is 5 hours from me and i thoroughly enjoyed there company, initially i was trying to find a way of not seeing them because i felt so low but im glad I saw them.
All being well i’m changing my phone in the next few days and getting gamblock for Android.

[izzi25]

Hi, how are you doing buddy? make sure you keep posting on a regular basis.

[Jason32]

Hi not got too much, write at present but I am doing OK, thanks i believe I haven’t gambled since I started this journal and I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the financial mess thats been caused. I initially was too extreme with myself and paying off the debt too soon but now I am taking a more flexible approach and giving myself more time as life gets too depressing and drags too slow otherwise. I have also taken up the gym again and feeling the therapeutic benefits of exercise too! I am also looking at other jobs as I think the stress at times waa a factor in making me choose this escape of gambling!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Jason. Good on your gamble free time! Sometimes we have to change our plans so they are more conducive for our lives. I am paying debts off also but I agree with you about creating a savings nest also. May be you can double up on payments once you have some savings again. I hope you can find a job that you like. Everything will come together for you. Keep going.

[izzi25]

That is so good to hear, good on you, taking the right steps. Changing jobs and being more lenient on putting debt off faster is going to save you from a world of hell. You are brave! 🙂

[Jason32]

Thanks Izzi, really appreciate the encouragement 🙂 how are you keeping?

[izzi25]

Good, clean for about 6 weeks now and I started a new job before Christmas, all going good so far. Not a day goes by where I kick myself for all my stupid debt.

[Jason32]

That’s great news Izzi, we are in this together 🙂 And whilst it’s painful you should encourage those feelings remorse, that and self exclusion will be key to both our recoveries and redemption, keep duo the good work.

[izzi25]

keep posting don’t stop, you can also follow my thread 🙂

[Author]

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