[Momo]

I came from a poor family.

I remember once selling my toys to my friends. I had found my mother crying in the kitchen while begging a relative for help to pay her electricity bill. I became angry, packed my backpack with the toys I liked the most, and walked door to door to my friends houses and sold the damnable things. I put the money in an envelope and scribbled « electricy » on it.

I placed the letter on the table, and went out to play. While pretending to be Donatello, from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I told my friend, who was cast in the role of Leonardo from the same franchise: « I’ll never be poor. My family is going to have it better. » I still remember that cold Swedish winter day. The sun shining bright, and the air cold, with the faintest snowflakes drifting in the wind.

And so it began. A blunt refusal to settle. A life of defiance.

When I was 17 I found that I had a knack for Texas Hold’em. I had never really reflected on my slot-machine playing as any form of addiction, and poker was a more controllable income where the talented had an edge over the rest. I made a decent living off of it for cirka 5 years. There was, however, a fairly high frequency of instances where I went bust and had to rebuild my bankroll.

You see. Where other, more disciplined, and less addicted poker players would go for lower stakes tables to recoup their losses against weaker players, I would go up in stakes in order to earn back what I had lost; against stronger opponents. A recipe for disaster, which more often than not left me bankrupt and needing to rebuild my livelihood.
In the end, I decided that I needed a fixed income, and soon got my first job. A horrible job, for a dreadful company. But hey, it was steady money right?

If we fast forward to today. I have climbed up the corporate ladder, and make a decent living. I’m very far removed from the Donatello running around fencing with his friends, exclaiming he’ll never be poor. There has been a great departure from where I started.

Yet, I have a dark demon monkey on my back. And I’m quite fed up with the little bastard. He waits for me in the dark. He comes in the form of Poker, Blackjack, Roulette and sometimes, slot machines or sports-betting. He is what the little boy I used to be has grown to become. Constantly whispering:
« it’s not enough. No matter how much it is, you’ll still have to pay mom’s electricity bill. »
Often times, he ushers me to tables, and leads me to ruin. Even as I write this, I feel him at my heels.

You see the irony of it all, is that when I win any money, it doesn’t go towards anything for myself. I spend it on my family or my girlfriend. I could live a very comfortable life, far away from the poverty I left behind, without any supplementation from a side income. Yet I fear I am doomed to keep repeating the same pattern.

I should consider myself lucky. I know many are worse off than I am, with debt, mortgages, and who have financially destroyed their families. I fear that if I don’t get help, This is the final destination of the path I’m strolling down now, with my dark friend.
I need the tools to tell him, that little red-cheeked boy of yore, that it’s enough, the electricity bill got paid. It got paid in spades, and our work is done.

Our family will have it better, and we don’t have to be afraid of finding mother crying in the kitchen anymore. I just don’t know how to tell him this.

Someone, please help me.

[danchaser]

Welcome, Momo.

Just like yourself, I’m also a very good gambler. Blackjack and sport’s betting are my games and I win almost every time I go and play.

Just like yourself, I’m also a compulsive gambler and will find a way to lose my winnings (and then some), integrity and soul, regardless of my knowledge and skill. Losing the money hurts, but losing myself is the real problem.

You sound a lot like myself. I’m not broke from gambling. I could go right now and gamble with a sizeable stack that I can « afford to lose ». But ‘Ive done that too many times. Over 20+ years, I’ve gambled away a nice retirement. I’ve gambled away money that my parents – who continue to work at the ages of 77 and 75 – could have retired on. I have put undue stress on my marriage. I could have sent my children to better colleges than they are currently attending. Hell, I’ve fucked up so many times, what’s another?

Or…I could quit. Man, the answer seems so obvious, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it isn’t. My mind wants to gamble. I LOVE the action. Nothing quite like it, really. I have to work to not do so as you are doing right now. You are helping yourself just by crying out for a relatable ear. It’s true what they say, even the longest journey begins with the first step.

Because we think as we do, this is not an enviable struggle. It’s also not an impossible one.

Keep posting. It helps.

[charles]

Sounds like that monkey on your back is really getting to you! A basttard is he? I’d agree! Time to beat him up a bit maybe? Whack him on the head with a GA meeting? Punch him in trhe gut by getting banned from that casino? Give him a bloody nose by asking your girlfriend or a family member to help you look after your money or to make you accountable for it?

Much as I hate animal cruelty it sounds like it’s time to give this particular monkey a good kicking!

[desdemona]

Hi Momo! My heart breaks for that young boy who saw his mother begging a relative for help in paying the electricity bill. That scenario would have had a powerful effect on any child who witnessed that. I see that you haven’t posted since your original post on November 11th. I’m hoping you come back as there is support on this site so that you can finally get to where enough is enough. Carole

[Auteur]

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