[ButterflyBeeBee]

Hello all, 

I am back to square one after falling to temptation and gambling tonight.  

I started gambling two years ago on bingo sites and moved on to slots.  I have tried and failed numerous times to quit in this time period.  

I have gamban installed on my mobile and on my laptop,  but it seems I can still find a way to gamble I logged on to the works computer.  

I feel ashamed of myself,  I was 34 days gamble free.  

I seem unable to get past the one month mark.  I can last a month without feeling overly strong urges to gamble but as soon as I have reached a month I feel an intense need to gamble,  almost to reward myself for not gambling the past month.  So I gamble,  loose around £50 and then its back to not gambling for another month.  This cycle has been going on since February this year.  

My goal is to have six months being gamble free behind me as I go into 2019, and the hope 2019 will be a gamble free year for me.  

Any insight and advice would be greatly appreciated.  I plan on reading through other posts and offering support where I can.  

I know I will be tested the end of July when it will be a month and I will be tempted again.  I hope you will comment and try and help me get out of this frustrating cycle.

Thanks for reading and best wishes to you all, 

ButterflyBeeBee xxx

[velvet]

Hello Butterfly and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[ButterflyBeeBee]

So I am feeling a bit down today, dissapointed in my slip last night. I went onto Gamstop this morning and entered my details to be self excluded from all sites. So even if I am tempted to sneak onto work computer there are no sites that I know of I can use now. Feel better foe doing this. I plan on updating this journal every few days, and more when I get to the end of the month. I hope you can stick with me 🙂

[i-did-it]

Hi BBB
Well done On coming on here and getting straight back to trying again. This is a difficult addiction to overcome but people do it every day . I find that having barriers like gamstop of the best way for me.

Please Be careful about using your work computer as many organisations have an acceptable use policy and you could face disciplinary action if you misuse your work computer .

Try to attend the groups on here – Charles runs groups on Mondays and. Thursdays and he will give you lots of advice .

Well done again for seeking help and recognising that gambling is a problem for you

[finding_laura]

well done on signing up for gam Stop! Putting things in place to prevent myself from gambling helped me regain control of my life and my money. It goes where it is supposed to and after a lot of effort I am now able to buy what I need and I have what I need to be fulfilled. Wanting something for the sake of just wanting isn’t necessary any more. There will be challenges for you but at least you are taking steps to stop making things worse. I couldn’t hold on to a win. It would always find it’s way back. Plus my own hard earned money. And creditors money that I would have to pay back with my hard earned money! Keep posting, keep reading, go back through some older threads. The advice hasn’t changed and is still good today. take care, Laura

[kathryn]

Congratulations on excluding from all sites.
I was never an online gambler but I excluded from all the venues within a 50km radius of my house. I have to do it every 2 years as that’s the longest time they will do it here in Australia. Ive had a few slips over 9 years…..always when I let my exclusion lapse. Lesson learnt for me.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. Whats lost is lost. Unfortunately for the gambler in action no win is ever enough. Stick with it….im sticking with you!!!
Love K xxx

[ButterflyBeeBee]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and your support.

It’s now day three and apart from stressing about replacing the money I lost, I am doing well.

I plan on reading through more of the forums tomorrow,. Tomorrow is my payday and I will NOT gamble.

Update soon.

[finding_laura]

Hope payday was peaceful and you were able to put the money on the bills that needed to be paid. Gambling only makes things worse! And our gambling progressively gets worse! We have to stop the insanity! You mention that you have a hard time at one month. I know my addictions counselor told me one month is a trigger date for most addicts. There are other dates as well. Were you able to do anything to keep your thoughts off gambling? We need to find a new activity or reward to help keep us out of trouble. Keep posting! Stay connected. It helps. ttfn, Laura

[ButterflyBeeBee]

Day 4

Payday has come and I have not gambled.

Good job too, just found out my boss has decided to cut my hours :/

Bills have been paid though so I don’t have to worry for another few weeks.

Laura, what did your counciller mean by a month being a trigger date? I plan on booking a session when I am able, I do well until a month and then it falls apart.

I’m going to keep posting 🙂

[Monica1]

Well done on your gf time and for paying your bills. That is really good. I think Laura meant that one month free could be a trigger to start again. But for many it isnt particularly when we know how destructive the whole addiction has become. We have to find support cos the addiction will tell us youve paid your bills, its OK, you deserve to have some fun. This is a big fat lie! when we have crossed the line, we can never gamble responsibly again. It as simple as that.

[finding_laura]

Hi BBB, sorry just responding now. Sometimes sobriety milestones can be a trigger. If you are aware that is a problem for you then you make sure to put in as many safe guards as you possibly can against it. I battled between addiction and recovery. But eventually I got it. It can take a while to get past the effects of it though so be kind to yourself. And know you have recovery pals here to help along the way. Thanks so much for clarifying Monica! You know what I’m trying to say better than I do lol. Hope your weekend is going well. Laura

[ButterflyBeeBee]

Hi guys, so I am currently on a mini break in Weston super mare and I have got to say- there is gambling everywhere! Arcades and slot machines! Thankfully my vice was online gambling (liked the annonymity of it I suppose) so I am not tempted, even if I am reminded about how common place gambling has and is becoming.

Thank you very much for everyone who has responded or is following I appreciate it very much, especially Monica and Laura for clarifying for me.

When the month roles around I will be updating far more regularly here than what I have been doing to keep myself grounded and focused.

Again I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read or write a quick message, and when I get back on Wednesday I plan on spending some time on the forums and really going through them myself.

Best wishes to all xxx

[i-did-it]

Well done BBB
You are having a break and you wages are still intact .
That must feel so good .
You can do this -you are doing this .
Have you tried any of the groups on here.
I find they really help to keep me focused.

As you live in Australia you might find this site helpful

https://www.fightforyou.com.au/

I have used some of the resources but I think you can access free counselling online there.

Keep strong
Xx

[ButterflyBeeBee]

Hello all,

It has been seventeen days since I last gambled. As I fins myself getting closer to the month milestone I find myself thinking. More of gambling, which is riduculos considering my hours have been cut and I am barely scraping by!

Plan on just reading the forums and keep checking in.

As always your support is so appreciated abd cherished.

Best wishes to all x

[finding_laura]

Hey lovely BBB, sorry I missed your last post, but it’s so good to see you are still plugging away at this. 17 days is great! I would say to you to tie up your money so that you cannot gamble. You need to have it for expenses! Pay any bills ahead you can. I’m sorry that I have to run at the moment but didn’t want to miss telling you that I am here reading. I will try and add more tomorrow. Take care. Don’t dig a bigger hole! It’s much harder to get out of!

[ButterflyBeeBee]

So tomorrow is day 30 the dreaded one month and I am finding myself thinking about gambling A LOT. Really need your help and support here guys 🙁

Taking each day as it comes now. Determind to make it to two months.

[finding_laura]

Hey BBB! So today is day 30! First off well done on getting to day 30. Did you have a plan for today? A way to keep yourself occupied? You still have your blocker in place for the online gambling so that should help this time as well. Read some posts on here to remind yourself why you aren’t going to gamble. You can do this. How are you feeling? What are you thinking? Are you watching the game screens in your mind? Change the channel to your empty bank account and how you feel after you have spent all your money gambling. Play the tape to the end as they say. Try not to fantasize about winning. It just feeds the addiction. Is there anything you can do to replace it. Even if it’s working on jigsaw puzzles. Something to occupy and distract. Give us an update. You can do this!
Laura

[ButterflyBeeBee]

I have actually had a lot to deal with the last few days,  which has taken my mind if gambling.  However the TV adverts for bingo and slots have got my attention as I knew they would.  I suppose I’m thinking ‘you’ve got to a month,  your fine so you can gamble if you want’

The sensible part of my brain knows I can’t.  But the other side is just like ‘you Havnet gambled in ages so its fine’

Thank you so much for your comment,  your words mean a lot to me.  How are you doing on your journey? 

[kathryn]

Well done on getting through day 30!
9 years on and I still remember those feelings after a big loss.
Doesn’t hurt to remind yourself how you DONT want to feel.
The pit in my stomach, the fear of my husband getting to the mailbox before me, the dread of what I was going to do now.
I know that if I gamble nothing will change, I will get sucked straight back into that hell hole.
The best revenge is living well.
I still get urges, they may be few and far between these days but I quash them as quickly as they come.
I always thought of gambling as exciting, the anticipation of it all.
I told my brother of my addiction many years ago and he said to me ‘geez, you must have a pretty boring life.’
I was crushed. I have never mentioned it to him again.
In hindsight, he was right. Spending my life in a venue staring at a screen.
How boring is that?????
I will spend today with my daughter and my grandchildren.
Cuddles and coffees and conversation.
That, to me, is really living.
Keep fighting…….you’re worth it.
Love K xxx

[ButterflyBeeBee]

So I have made it past day 30!

Instead of gambling like I wanted to (really bad cravings and thoughts to gamble. Thank god for gamban on both my laptop and phone!)

Instead of gambling away money this payday I have bought some lovely boots and jumpers ready for the autumn.

Feeling positive at the moment! Will update at day 40.

K,

Congrats on nine years! That is incredible! I know what you mean about that horrible sinking feeling.

I pray you never have to feel that feeling again xxx

[finding_laura]

Hi BBB,
I’m thrilled you have made it past your dreaded month! Now what about two? or even another day. And then another day etc. Just keep putting it off and you will find yourself thinking of it less and less. New boots and clothes sound better. Not to mention paying bills on time feels much better.

Thank you for asking, I am currently enjoying the benefits of recovery and staying connected to my friends here. Because I don’t want to go back where I started. Becuase this addiction nearly took everything from me before and I won’t let it again.

We can throw a lot of opportunity away over time or we can benefit from it. Keep going. Can’t wait for the next update 🙂
Laura

[ButterflyBeeBee]

So today I have been feeling low. Thinking about gambling constantly. It was day 38 today. And then the VPN protecting my phone from accessing gambling sites stopped working. What did I do? Promptly blew £150 of my hard earned savings. Sad thing is I just feel so numb about it all. Back on the horse and back to day 1 tomorrow 🙁 Thank you to everyone who is following me.

[ButterflyBeeBee]

Day 1 again.

So today I woke up and surprisingly I’m in an ok mood.

Have found out I am going on holiday end of October and my hours in work have increased, and I am filled with a determination to work and save hard.

I have contacted gamban and complained about about the VPN failing and have accepted my mistakes and loss of money.

I have not been updating regularly and I am determind to rectify that and post more in the forums.

I will smash the month target and I am now aiming for five months being gamble free ready for new years (my original goal was 6 months)

This is a struggle and I have messed up. But no matter how many times I have failed I have always tried again.

Update soon.

BBB x

[lizbeth4]

Keep trying. Don’t give up!!

[ButterflyBeeBee]

I won’t lovely 🙂 

Thank you. 

[vera]

Gambling is a progressive disease. After every blow out, I told my self « it could be worse/ It’s only money » and I licked my wounds and moved on. Believe me, BBB, for as long as we gloss over our actions or divert from our gambling  by consoling ourselves with co-incidental « perks », all we are really doing is justifying our actions until the time comes when we will be desensitized to he point of numbness.

Engage the brakes before the « vehicle » shoots out of control.

Well done on your honesty and perseverance!

[jimmywright]

I commend you for your honesty and perseverance through your difficulties, it is courageous to see. From my perspective I see an unrealistic goal, as a compulsive gambler myself this would inentivably lead to a relapse. It is great that you have that desire and ambition to be gamble free for an extended period of time, however what will you do when you achieve your goal? And if you fail to achieve it this inevitably leads to disappointment, despair, shame etc.
The phrase ‘one day at a time’ is uttered often, but I can’t think of a more apt one in your case. Keep your focus in the present day and the time will pass without thinking of it – this is my advice speaking from my own personal experience, feel free to use it how you see fit.

[velvet]

Hi BBB
One day at a time is all any of us can ask of ourselves and it is enough.
I don’t know if you go to GA but one of my favourite passages if from the GA handbook
YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I wish you well BBB and although I cannot tell you what to do, I do hope you will re-read Jimmy’s post – I could not have written it any better.
Velvet

[kathryn]

Glad you came back and posted about your slip, think how much worse things could have been!
I think looking too far forward can be a pressure that you don’t need.
Just getting through today is all you need to do right now.
They will add up on their own.
And while goals are great, when you get to it, what next?
This addiction will use any excuse to reward.
You can do this, make sure you have no access to money, give yourself some room to breathe.
When you CANT gamble, the pressure is removed for you as there is no choice to be made.
Stay strong, Love K xxx

[ButterflyBeeBee]

Thank you Jimmy, vera, velvet and K,

I have read your comments and I have taken them to heart. Thank you for taking the time to write them!

I suppose I should explain my mindset a bit. I am the kind of person who must have deadlines and goals. And considering I am so far unable to reach a month, these goals seem out of reach. But I have to think four months because my brain is wired that way.

However I am also determind to take your advice on board and will be thinking one day at a time. I can see the sense in thinking this way, but I also think one day at a time is a bit dangerous for me. What if I gamble next week? Is it back to one day at a time. How can you put a limit on a behavior when you aren’t ruling out the possibility of not doing it again. This is why I have goals or set time limits I suppose.

I apologize if this dosent make much sense, our brains are tricky things and put gambling or any addiction into the mix and it makes things ten times more complicates.

BBB xxx

[Anonyme]

Hi BBB

The whole, « just for today » and « one day a time » mantras are something that really took me years to understand.

I can’t imagine that anyone who has let problem gambling consume them thinks the sensible solution is to quit just for a day, today. The sensible thing I think would be to accept that « the addiction »(or however you view it), is dangerous and once it’s in the head or mindset of any CG there is only one winner. The addiction. It is proven every single day that it controls us, overpowers us, and I know that for me my life had become completely unmanageable because of it. Therefore for me I couldn’t understand how stopping gambling, but just for today, would be any use. I mean after all if it’s just about today as soon as the clock strikes midnight that will be tomorrow so I can gamble then. I’m not breaking my commitment. (Of course once the clock strikes midnight its a new today. And what was today at 11.55pm is now yesterday). Tomorrow never comes, in real time it is always today.

The thing is BBB, as is underlined very well in the above GA quote, we can only ever live today. You ask « what if I gamble next week? ». The answer is almost guaranteed, you’ll lose the money you gamble with making life at least bit more unpleasant.

The thing is that really today’s issues need your attention not the « what if’s » for the future, or the « if only’s » from the past. What happens next week, or indeed tomorrow dosn’t really make any difference to what happens today.

I’m not a person that cownts the days I’ve been gambling free and is futile for me to have any sort of target for a period of abstinence. It really serves no purpose. The important thing is always just getting through today. Every single person is capable of getting through just one day without gambling, whether its a hard struggle fighting urges every 10 minutes, or not, there is not one person currently posting on this forum however bad their gambling problem/addiction that has not been able to achieve one day gambling free.

Having done this there is absolutely no reason why any person should gamble the next day. Some days will be harder than others it isn’t a stroll in the park or a case of stopping « just like that ». It can be, and usually is a hard struggle especially when gambling has been prevalent in the last week or two.

You say in your profile you can usually abstain for about 30 days, and then you gamble, I cant help wondering, do you get paid monthly? There may be more than a co-incidence if this is the case. Maybe it’s just been a case of you abstaining because you’ve no money left.

You say the VPN failed you and as a result you ended up gambling, you obviously didnt get an email telling you it wasn’t going to work on this occasion so I’m guessing that you must have tried to access the gambling site in the first place. Can I ask why you wanted to gamble on day 38? What was different on this day compared to the previous 37.? Is it a co-incidence do you think that it was only day or two past payday when you gambled.

Also BBB I seem to recall you said you were signing up on Gamstop and had excluded from all online sites, what happened there?

We are all capable of talking the good talk, and just as capable of walking the good walk. Sadly most of us at any given time, especially after a recent gamble, will do the former and not the latter.

When I lived my life as an active CG, I was off the scale with my distorted thinking and dishonesty. The person I told the most lies to was myself. Something that took me years to see.

I sometimes judge others’ gambling problems and the accompanying mindset to that of my own when I gambled. I apologise if this upsets or offends you.

I dont like to see anyone suffer at the hands of this problem, I think a lot of CG’s grossly under estimate just how very bad this problem is.

To satisfy my own curiosity could you please explain to me how you were able to access £150 from your savings, but in your profile it says you’ve had to sell personal possessions.

What I mean is why sell your things to « get by » if you have savings? Wouldn’t it have been a better idea to dip into your savings to get by?

If you seriously want to quit this gambling for good you can do it, just like every single person here seeking help and support. It is as easy as getting through one day.

Of course you might have a desire to gamble « normally » and secretly harbour the thought, I know that I did for many a year. At the finish I took all the practical steps that are bandied about, not some of them, ALL of them.

I dont know if my VPN or Gamstop works, because I havnt tried to gamble online for ages. I think I’ll always have these barriers although I hope that I’m never in the position to see if they’re working . I did get someone to hold my money, I had no access to any of it for a long while. I had to do this with money and since that day I’ve never looked back.

BBB it aint an easy road to negotiate, but it can be done with support, barriers, blockers and proper thorough deep down self honesty.

Dont worry about what damage any future gambling might do to you. There is no need for you, or I, to ever gamble again. But no need for either of us to commit to anything more than getting through today.

I dont know if I’ll get through the rest of my life without gambling, I sincerely hope so, but pointless to commit to that.

I know one thing for certain though, and that is that Just for Today I will not be gambling.

Take care BBB, keep plugging away at it. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s really sad that any of us return to gambling but a lot of us have done many times before the penny finally drops, (sorry no sick pun intended).

[ButterflyBeeBee]

Hi,

thanks for your comment, it was quite a read! I will do my best to answer your numerous questions, forgive me if i forget to answer any of them.

Firstly, no i do not get paid monthly, i am paid every fortnight. So the urge to gamble after a month is not linked directly to me recieving money, as i have money throughout the month. I can understand why you thought this might be a trigger, but it is not.

I believe i gambled on day 37 for a combination of reasons. Firstly, the VPN failed and this gave me an excuse to do so. Secondally, i had been thinking of gambling for a few days beforehand. And thirdly, and probably most importantly, I was in a very low mood (i suffer with anxiety and depression, and every so often i go through this phase where i feel really down and bored with my life. when i feel like this, i am more than likely to do something self destructive such as drink way too much alcohol or gamble.)

I am aware my conditions make this addiction harder to beat. I have been this way since i was 17, and despite being on medication which has helped a lot, i still have these bouts of extreme apathy and self destructive tendancies a few times each month. I don’t know why, really wish i did.

As for how i had money to gamble, that’s easy. I have had to sell possessions of mine in the past to afford my addiction, but that was only because i had gambled so much. I am far more financially stable NOW than in the past, and am able to save around £100 a  month, sometimes £200 in my current employment (depending on the hours i work) so having that money to gamble with was very easy.

To limit this i have decided i will be saving any money in cash from now on, rather than in my bank account. having money sat in my savings account is dangerous to me, so i will be removing the risk when i next save.

I hope i have helped answer some of your questions (apologies for the probably horrendous typos but im on my phone and spell check is currently turned off)

I understand what you mean about one day at a time, and as with others who have commented i am going to try my best to head your advice and look at it that way, but i know this will be difficult for me.

Thanks again for commenting, i really appreciate it 🙂

 

BBB X

[Anonyme]

Life certainly isn’t a box of chocolates. Thanks for your replies. If I can offer you any constructive advice it would be to post here often and try not to kount the days, easier said than done I know. Wishing you well.

[Anonyme]

I’m sorry I was so inquisitive BBB, I agree with what you’ve written in response to Harry’s comment, if you cant speak honestly here what is the point of it.

That said I was quite shocked to see you post the name of the site you’d been gambling at.

It dosn’t at all bother me and of course I dont think it was fair for someone to blame your post for « triggering » them. Until people start taking the responsibility for their own actions I personally dont think they stand a chance of finding any sort of true recovery.

I hope it dosn’t put you off posting.

I dont share too much on this forum now, I used to be an avid poster and attend lots of the groups. I benefited a great deal from the support I received at both GT and GMA , my first contact with GMA, (then Gordon House), was in 1985. Now I’m managing to live in control of the gambling problem I have, and have been doing so for quite a lengthy period, I am very grateful for all the support I have received here and elsewhere, and thought I’d always be a forum regular. 

I hope you’re managing to stay gambling free. 🙂

[ButterflyBeeBee]

Hi all, currently on day 18 or 19 GF.

Meant to update a few days ago but work has been hectic and between writing (its keeping me busy!) I forgot.

I hope everyone following is doing well xx

[kathryn]

So happy to read you are doing well.
Keep it up!!!
Love K xxx

[ButterflyBeeBee]

Hello all! I feel like I’ve fallen off the face of the earth lately and have not had time to update. Between working like an absolute loon due to unforseen circumstances and a bout of illness I haven’t been able to update for quite a while.

I am so pleased to say I have beaten my previous one month record and have not gambled for 45 days! I can’t wait to hit the 50 day mark!

Keeping myself busy really is helping, I haven’t thought about gambling in a while and have even saved some money, so feeling very positive at the moment.

Update soon xx

[lizbeth4]

That is awesome news! Keeping busy helps me too. Keep going!

[i-did-it]

Hi BBB
Wow well done – you are making amazing progress.
Keep doing whatever you are doing – it is working for you .

Great to read such a positive post .

[Auteur]

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