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Hi Nitenurse, I feel your pain. It is hard to hear the person you love spit out such spiteful words. Try to look at it like it is not really him saying it. Because it is not, it is his addiction. The man you love is just like a s**** right now, pretending to be your husband. Not that easy to do but it might help. My hb kept telling me repeatedly that the last 20some years were pure **** for him, nothing but upsetting and so on and so forth. It did hurt a lot because I was thinking how nobody ever asked ME what life with a gambler was like for ME. Moot point of course but that was what I thought. The last time he said that I asked him very calmly why he didn’t leave me if it was all sooo bad? I could have had a life with our daughter back home where we belong, focusing on us and not on his addiction. Of course I did not get an answer. Now that he is in recovery, he feels terrible about all this and cannot even imagine, he said that. You are right, it is part of the manipulation as well. To take you down, to destroy your self esteem and to force you into compliance with the addiction. I am glad that you shared your secret with your mom! You need all the support you can get at this time and it is so good to be able to talk to someone without having to put on a face. The only thing you can really do is to take good care of yourself and your kids. The less you give in to the addiction, the more nervous it will become. It does not like to be ignored, that is for sure. Making a nice dinner and having fun doing so was a great idea!!! You don’t have to suffer just because he does. The sooner he sees that you want nothing to do anymore with his addiction, the sooner he might wake up and smell the coffee. That is what I wish for you with all my heart!!!!!!!
Hi Nitenurse, Velvet is right, you already sound more positiv! It is very important for us as family members to do something for ourselves. Meeting with friends for dinner or having a play date with the kids will take your mind of the misery, at least for a while and you can see that life has so much more to offer than battling the addiction. I think it is very important not to isolate, which is what I did while my hb was gambling, especially during the years when his addiction completely got out of control. You will find an abundance of emotional support on this site and would like to add something on the practical side. It is much easier to support your cg if you can find some peace of mind re your finances. If you can, take over paying the bills. Take his name off your credit cards and vice versa. Pull your credit reports to see where you and he stand in re to debt. Don’t do any shared banking as in checking or savings accounts. If you have your own car, make sure it is in your name only. This will probably make him angry but might be necessary to protect yourself down the road. The addiction eats you both alive, it tries to take over everything to stay well and the emotional pressure is more than enough at this time. I wish I would have known back then what I know now, I could have avoided at least some of the destruction my cg caused. Since you live in the US, you might want to check if your state has a council on problem gambling. These councils are a great resource for support and information. Take care of yourself and your children, just because your hb is miserable doesn’t mean you have to be, too!
Hi Crushedsoul, I am not a gambler but watched my husband going down the slippery slope you are on for many years. I read that you are trying to get help of some kind and a therapist is a good idea if you cannot attend a GA meeting for some reason. I don’t know where you live in the US but check if your state has a council on problem gambling. Most states do and it is a great resource for cgs and their family members. They have helplines you can call when you feel that the addiction is too much for you, as I’m sure it is. The councils usually also have lists of GA meetings in your area and therapists that are certified as gambling counselors. It is often a waste of time to start seeing a therapist that is not specialized in the treatment of gambling addiction, as I found out the hard way. You mentioned in some of your posts that you wish to be dead at ***** and that you don’t want your parents to know about your gambling. As a mother I just want to ****** you that NOTHING can be so bad that you are not able to deal with it when it comes to your child. I am sure your parents will choose to help and support you rather then lose you! There is a life after gambling and you are worth it!!!!!!
Hi BB, you will find a great deal of support here, especially from those who are parents of compulsive gamblers. Since I also live in the US (rainy Washington State of all places, lol) I know a little about resources and such here in this country. PA has a Council on Compulsive Gambling where you can find all kind of information that might be useful for you. They have a hotline, 800-848-1880 and also a list of GA and GamAnon meetings in your area. Almost every state has one of those non-profit councils and they are a wealth of resources and information of all kind. This is at least a place to start when you are just at the beginning of your journey with a cg. You might want to check them out. 🙂
Hi Will, I’m not a cg, my hb is. So I just want to address the issue of “when to tell” from my point of view. When I first met my hb he had been what is called a problem gambler for a long time. Even though he had no large debts at that time, but there were issues with money. He borrowed from his family when he couldn’t pay his bills or to finance something he wanted but couldn’t afford. I knew nothing about gambling, nada, zero, not a thing. His family knew that he had a serious problem and some of his friends he made in the military suspected it at least. Nobody mentioned a thing to me though. I thought he was the greatest person on earth and fell for him very hard and very fast. And fell down with him just as hard and just as fast. I did not take his gambling addiction serious at first, because like many people, I was not aware that a behavior can be an addiction just like a substance. Here I am 30 yrs later, married for 29 yrs and looking back at the destruction my hb’s gambling has caused in our lives, especially in the life of our daughter. You read the posts of others on this forum and I don’t have to tell you what can happen. It is like I did not meet and marry my hb but rather his avatar. Like a phantom that didn’t really exist. I can’t say if I would have stayed with him or even married him had I known what was going on. But I feel ******* because I did not have the chance to make an informed decision. Everything I based my feelings and my action on seems to be smoke and mirrors in hindsight. I often wish that someone had told me about it. Of course he was not aware how bad his gambling already was but others were. I think your gf deserves to make a choice when it comes to continuing your relationship and commit to you with eyes wide open. Everything else is deceit imho and simply not fair. Your debt will affect a possible future together, that’s for sure. Maybe this is your chance for a new beginning and a better life without being slave to the addiction. Hiding it from her doesn’t do anybody any good. If she loves you and wants to build a life with you she ***** to know everything. Otherwise the day will come where she finds out and feels betrayed. This is just my take on it of course but I do believe that every good relationship starts with honesty and respect for one another. To this very day my hb does not know how much exactly he lost over the years because he doesn’t remember everything he did. I have a good idea though and it ain’t pretty. I hope you give it some thought…..
Hi Mayatemmab, it is a good start to address the financial issues head on. I mentioned the community property issue just because the spouse in theses states is responsible for any debt the other one accumulates, whether one knows about it or not. Do you know what your hb’s credit report looks like? You probably do because you have a credit counselor involved, which is a good thing. You said that your hb is willing to do anything to keep the family intact. Again, a good first step on his part. Keep in mind that his first and foremost priority in this should be to stop gambling and work on his recovery, no matter if you are with him or not. While everything you guys have put in motion is really great and will hopefully work for you, for him and your family his motivation is a crucial factor when it comes to recovery. I’m just saying this because of my own experience. The best way to support him is for you to be in a place where you feel safe and secure. To know that you have the right safety measures in place will put your mind at ease a great deal so you can focus on other things besides being afraid that the bills are paid. As for GamAnon, I understand what you mean. It is a great place to find support but the program is not for everyone. The groups are also very differently structured and it depends greatly on the people you find there as well. I met some very nice people there and it was a place for me where I could vent, cry, scream and let out my frustration in the beginning without being judged. I got some very useful advice as well but overall it was not for me. Whatever works best for YOU is what you need to do. You go girl!!!!
Hi there, I read your post and was thinking, wow, she really got everything sorted out before it actually got to a point of no return. You mentioned that you pretty much controlled the money after you found out about your hb’s gambling. Are you still doing it or did he have access to significant funds after the first incident? You did the right thing looking for a gambling counselor. Was it your idea or his and how does he feel about it? Do you think he is willing and ready to deal with his addiction? Attending GA is also very important and as to his assumption that he got “better”, the addiction does not really get better. It can be ******** and held at bay but is always there. Recovery is a work in progress and requires a lifelong commitment. I am diabetic and the disease will not go away ever. The insulin shots will always be necessary. Same goes for any addiction (as you can see, I love to talk in pictures, lol.) You said in your post that you feel obligated to hold the marriage together for the children. I can absolutely follow your train of thought. On the other hand, the decision what to do about your marriage is not really something to worry about right now imho. The best you can do in this ‘”state of emergency” is to take care of yourself and your babies. I also had problems with the first GamAnon group I attended. Even though the program is basically the same, the groups do have different dynamics and the same goes for GA. I absolutely understand your determination not give anything up, e.g. moving to a bad school district. Maybe you can come up with a plan, nail down the priorities right now as far as financials go? If your hb can be part of it, all the better but you can also do this for yourself. Just like you, I had never had anything to do with gambling and was completely overwhelmed and shocked when I found out about this. I cannot give you any advice of course but think it would be a good idea to make sure your hb has no access to any money right now. Other than for gas and lunch and always ask for the receipts. Since he seems to make good money, it would also be good to pull his credit report so you know if there is anything else lurking somewhere. It is great that you have access to legal advice because in states with community property your position might be more difficult than in others. And no, you don’t deserve this, neither do your kids or your husband for that matter. Nobody deserves this nightmare, the insanity of it, the hurt and everything else that comes with it. Most gamblers suffer greatly, just as we do, only in another way. I wish you tons of luck!!!!! It is possible to battle this addiction, there are many success stories out there. At this point in time, not all is lost for you and your hb.
Hi Crossroads, Crystal really summed it up well for you. The most important thing for you right now is to protect yourself, meaning protect the money. You said that you didn’t want to ruin Christmas but I suspect that it was ruined anyway because of what you learned about his gambling. I also think that this might be only the tip of the ice berg and that he tapped into other resources to finance his addiction. I’m saying this because it took me along time to really find out about the complete amount of damage my hb had done. He only admitted in increments. And only when I found something out or he knew he couldn’t hide it any longer. The best support you can give your bf is to get some peace of mind yourself and to look for your own support system. Do you have someone you can talk to honestly about what is happening? Did you consider attending a GamAnon group yet? It is really difficult to deal with this addiction while you are still busy trying to sort everything out and most of all while being worried about finances. If your bf is really ready and willing to get some help he will not object to you handling all the money and to hand over receipts for every penny he spends. At least that was always a clear indicator for me that my husband was either close to a relapse or it had already happened. Putting his money in your account will probably not take the temptation away. The addiction is alive and kicking and will just come up with another harmful way to find money to gamble. **** swings and what you describe as a fiery temper can also be a symptom of the addiction taking over. My hb was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and put on medication. He never took or needed another pill from the day he went to inpatient treatment. Most importantly don’t threaten anything you are not willing to go through with, just like Crystal said. I wish you well and hope that you find a way to not lose yourself in this insane battle. That is the best support you can give your bf as well as yourself.
— 03/01/2013 21:17:37: post edited by Velvet.– 04/01/2013 14:31:52: post edited by Velvet.