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Hi Madge, I read your posts and can relate to a lot of what you said. Just want to respond re inpatient treatment. It is very common for cgs to manipulate and fool their therapists. My hb did just that for many years. Maybe sharing his treatment history will give you a tiny bit of insight. He completed two inpatient programs, both lasted 30 days and were based on the traditional approach for addiction treatment. He says today that he said all the right things and did what was expected cz he quickly figured out how to pretend and to please the counselors. Nothing really sank in though according to him. It did not help of course that he went to treatment both ***** because I had given him an ultimatum. Before he went the second time, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on meds. Nothing changed in re to his addiction though. After relapsing the last time I decided that I was done for good and this time the decision to go to inpatient treatment was his own, finally. He spend 120 days in a facility that was specialized in cg treatment and the program was based on CBT. For him, this was the turning point. It took him a while but he embraced the therapy full heartedly this time. I can only speak for him but CBT really did the trick for him and he swears by it because he says that it completely changed his thought process and he learned how to change his pattern. Actually he also says that being away from his environment helped him a great deal. The counselors dug deep into all the issues that led him to develop the addiction in the first place and that was a big part in the recovery process for him. He also has a very high IQ and understanding what was going on with him was important. Cgs are some***** diagnosed with bipolar disorder because the addiction presents itself with severe **** swings. Being bipolar in the first place does not help when it comes to gambling because of the brain chemistry that affects people in a similar way. As for my hb, he never took another medication ever since his treatment started and he is fine now. It is a hard road to travel for everyone and every person is different. You might want to check out a gambling counselor named Chris Anderson on the net. He lives in Chicago I believe and I had the chance to listen to one of his presentations at a work shop for gambling counselors here in WA. He is a recovering gambler himself and he had some very amazing things to say about cg and therapy. Another thing you can look into is your state’s Council on Problem Gambling. These councils are a great source for all kind of information and help available in your area. Take good care of yourself and your kids, you guys should come first 🙂
I can’t help it, I have to write something now. Cg is considered an “Impulse control personality disorder” here in the US. It is described in the DSM IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) with signs and symptoms. The new DSM V is coming out soon (or did it already, I’m not sure) and to my knowledge CG will be included now as an individual disorder/addiction and not under the Impulse control umbrella. Just FYI.
Wishing you guys the best always.Hi BB, I have struggled with the formatting forever. Do you happen to use a Mac? I do and so I told myself why don’t you try another browser instead of google chrome? Chose firefox and what do you know, it shows a little tool bar for bolding and such. Haven’t tried it yet myself but it might work for you? Hope it helps…:)
Hi MnM, you got some really good replies so far. I just want to put my 10 cents in regarding self protection measures for you and your wife. Addiction doesn’t know friends from enemies so there is a good chance that your brother will do whatever it takes to get money to gamble. You mentioned that you and your wife both work so your brother will spend quite a bit of time alone in your home. Here are some things you might want to consider to prevent you from being taken to the cleaners. Secure your valuables, things like jewelry and such. A safe deposit box might help. Don’t ever leave any debit or credit cards out in the open where your brother could find them. Same goes for mail that contains personal or financial information. Make sure he can’t get a hold of your daily mail. A post office box is the best way to do this. It requires some thinking on your part to figure out where you guys might be vulnerable as far as money goes. Adele is right, you might never see the rent you agreed on if you don’t have a system in place making sure you really receive it. The more you and your wife know about cg the better before you have a rude awakening. I wish you all the luck in the world. 🙂
Hi BB, I hope you have a decent mother’s day today. These holidays are usually pretty hard as they remind us what should be, could be, was and isn’t right now. I agree with your inside voice when it comes to informing the family. At the very least they might appreciate knowing what is going on because cgs often use their families as a resource for money. When you tell them is of course your choice. I don’t know how close you are with the in-laws but I think they already suspect that there is something very wrong. Isn’t it weird that when it comes to cg, we actually have to take some action while almost every other addiction is so obvious and can’t be hidden for long? I was in the same position, my hb seemed to only care about his family, mostly about his mother. Everybody else was more important than my daughter and I. Looking back I understand why because I learned so much about the dysfunctional dynamics in that family. While you are the wife, he might just try to protect his reputation with them? He might be embarrassed. Who knows. But cg is a family disease, it affects everyone. Just like you, they cannot really help him. Just be supportive and avoid any kind of enabling. Good for you that you will attend a meeting this week. And I think it is very smart to get more information before you talk to the kids. It’s not easy to explain the whole mess to them without bashing their father too badly. I also wondered who the person was I married. Which one was real and which one was not? Two totally different people. Your “real” hb is in there somewhere, the addiction is just not letting him out of its’ grip at the moment. If he opens the door and seeks help to battle the addiction, the man you knew might just walk through it again.
Hi Looking, good for you that you took the first step and joined this site. That means that you are about to take some steps to take care of yourself. When you read all the f&f stories here you will see that even though the cgs come in every shape and color, the way the addiction works, manipulates and takes over is basically the same. It took me a long time to understand that it was nothing personal and had nothing to do with me that my hb gambled. He was just a shell while inside of him the addiction ran rampage. Cg is called the slippery slope cz it is a downward spiral. Once you have started, you go down faster and faster. That goes for both, the cg and the f&fs. I read what you hb came up with and frankly, it is all just white noise to be able to keep on going. I look back on over 20 yrs of broken promises, blaming, deceit, scheming and total financial destruction. I know pretty much how you feel and others her can also connect with you in the same way. Right now you cannot believe anything he says really. He cannot do this alone, he ***** help. GA meetings would be a great start, maybe a counselor that is trained in gambling addiction. Willpower is not the way, it is destined to fail. Here is what I would do: take away all access to money, no matter what and how much. Make sure all accounts are in your name only, if possible take his name of any car titles as well (I speak from experience). You should be on none of his credit cards and vice versa. If necessary, try to install some red flags on accounts so you get notified if something happens there. Pull BOTH your credit reports and install a monitoring service so that you will be warned should there be an application for any kind of card or loan. If your hb is willing to work on a true recovery, if he acknowledges that he has lost control, he will not object, to protect himself and the family. He should only have enough cash to buy necessities, like gas or lunch. He ***** to bring home receipts and the change. If this causes him to get angry with you, it is a sign that he is not ready yet. Not gambling includes not buying any lottery or scratch tickets, not entering any sweepstakes, basically nothing that costs money OR includes the chance of winning something, no matter it it is money or something else. I understand that you feel like a probation officer, I did too. I hated having this burden on my shoulder on top of everything else. But I understood that that is the ONLY way to work this. Our marriage did not survive, too much pain and hurt and loss. But my hb is finally in recovery,has been for over 3 yrs now and is a changed man. We have arranged the finances in such a way that I have most of the income and he has just enough to live off it. We talk about extra expenses he might have and he will always give me proof without me asking. It sounds really brutal but that is the way to give you some peace of mind and the opportunity to take care of yourself, which is what the addiction hates most. It doesn’t like to be ignored. Some casinos ban for a lifetime here (WA) but there is always another one, just another way to keep feeding the beast. Trust ***** to be earned back, it is not a privilege once the lies and the manipulations have become part of your life. For me, gambling addiction is like a contagious cancer of the soul. It grows and spreads until you can’t breath anymore. It will not stop until everything and everyone is destroyed. It is hard to hear all this and you might be weary of all the stuff you are supposed to keep in mind or to do but it will get better if you take the time to get better yourself first. I wish you luck out there in Indiana 🙂
Hi BB, I copied part of your post to Berber because I found this really interesting: My HB’s entire family knew and never said a word. My FIL even went so far as asking my HB if he had told me. When he said he had not that was the end of it! In a way my FIL told me at a family function…”I don’t know about that one (referring to my HB) you need to keep your eye on him.” I am so angry at his entire family for hiding this for YEARS I can not even be around them. I am angry at the disservice they did to my HB and the disservice they did to me and my children. How did you deal with your HB’s family?
Sorry, for some reason I can’t highlight or bold this.
I found myself in the same situation with my hb’s family. He started gambling when he was only about 12. In fact his mother and stepfather gave him money to bet on a horse when they were at the track. Basically everybody knew, my mil, his siblings and later also his buddies in the military. Nobody said a word to me ever. When he disappeared for the first time on his way back to the States I called my mil hysterically, crying and worried to death. She knew that he was gambling somewhere but just said that she had “hoped he had finally grown up” without explaining what that meant. They did a great job enabling him, with money, covering up for him and most of all with their silence. When he had lost control completely and had been fired from his job my sil actually wired him over $20 K to pay off a credit card. Which he didn’t do of course. She later got raging mad at ME because she had lost her savings to save my f….g house and my f….g car. Both were gone at that time.
Addiction is a family disease, it is actually the head of the household because it rules everyone’s life. The addict is the center of the universe and the rest of the family usually just reacts to what is going on. I also think that for the biological family it becomes so “normal” in a way that they just accept it for what it is. Lots of people still don’t believe that gambling is really an addiction. You don’t put a substance in your body, you just DO something and therefore the solution is to stop doing it. Now that I understand about the dynamics I am no longer mad at them for enabling him. But I am still very upset that they blamed me for his downfall. I think we are seen as the designated caregivers for our cgs when they leave their family of origin. The burden is past on to us. And if we can’t do the job of changing him, well, then we might have just failed. When my hb was in prison, I was dropped like a hot potato. Not that I care any longer but I’m still mad that they also ignored my daughter. She was in such need for support and a family of some kind since all my people live so far away. Instead they broke off all contact and that hurt my child very badly.
Nobody can tell you how to handle your in-laws. But if you hb is ever actively working on his recovery, they need to face the truth. Either they are part of the solution or continue to be part of the problem. Recovery means for the cg to make changes and the whole family has to change as well.Hi Adele, just like Velvet said, the silence is very common. My hb was the same. He just reacted to me instead of really having a conversation. Disclosing as little as possible in re to the debts he had accumulated, just to test how much I actually knew. He also liked to beat himself up verbally so that I would not get too angry. Other ***** he got defensive and blamed me for what he had done. Addiction talk at its’ best. Why do you think about paying off the payday loans? They are his responsibility and he has to start owning his actions from here on. He can’t eat the cake and keep it. It would only prolong his behavior. I’m very glad for you that your card company called you, they do that nowadays for suspicious charges thank god. I put red flags on all my accounts way back when after my hb ***** some checks from me and successfully cashed one of them. It is very common practice for the banks not to pay much attention when it comes to married couples even though there is only one name on the account. Hide your mail where he can’t find it, no matter what it is. The addiction is much smarter than we think!
My hb never talked much about anything, like I said. Gambling is often an outlet for bottled up feelings that the cg feels uncomfortable sharing with others. A lot of cgs are escape gamblers and a good treatment plan addresses more than just the gambling. I don’t know what state you live in but most have a Council on problem gambling. Great resource for all sorts of info, incl. a list of GA and GamAnon meetings as well as gambling certified counselors. I agree with Velvet, having the intent to do something is great but he is just producing white noise until he really takes action. Here is an example of how the addiction tries to make you comply by given you the hope that the cg is finally willing to fight back. My hb had his disability benefits deposited into my account and after deducting his share for the household expenses I put the rest on a savings account for him for his personal *****. I left for Germany where I spent a month with my family. While I was gone, he changed it to an EBT card and went on a rampage at the casinos. I found out upon my return, duh. Then he disappeared for a week, hiding away at the mental ward of the VA hospital. While he was gone, I made the decision to not play the game anymore, no matter what would happen to me financially. Felt peaceful and free for once. So he came home and ranted and raved about how stupid he was and how he regretted it and on and on. I said nothing. Made some coffee, sat him down and told him that he could say his thing and I would say my thing and then we would be done. My thing was, the charade ends now. No more dancing around the fire. No more of anything. It’s either getting your own place or going into inpatient treatment. I’m done, can’t do anything else and that is that. About 2 months later he left for a 120 day inpatient program and came back a changed man. Not only not gambling but also willing and able to have a real conversation, to verbalize his feelings and most importantly, he finally understood what my daughter and I, his family and friends had gone through. He took responsibility for all his actions incl. the crime he committed.
See, I’m also very good at rambling, lol. My point is that there have to be serious consequences for a cg to feel the need to make changes. Kinda like starving the beast of addiction.
Take care of yourself first, addictions of any kind hate that….Hi BB, nobody could say it better than Velvet. You will find a lot of support on this site and I think when you read the initial posts of the other f&fs you will find that our stories are very similar. The addiction is pretty consistent in appearance and how it establishes and manifests itself. Even if the people are different in every way. I noticed that you said that you “chose” to believe your hb. That is great insight on your part already! I’m sure you knew that something about his “I have to pay back money I owe from the past” wasn’t true. I’ve heard the most complicated and irrational explanations for the constant need for money myself over the years, some of them quite fantastic and dare I say idiotic?? Since I also live in the US I would like to mention a couple things you can do to protect your finances. If you’re sure you have all his cards, take his name of all of your accounts, joint or other and every one of your credit cards as well. Pull BOTH of your credit reports, he doesn’t have to know about this btw. Sign up for a credit monitoring service. They are not too expensive and will notify you if your hb applies for a cc or a loan. Make sure that YOU pay all the bills. You asked about the issue of controlling the money. Ideally he should only have cash for day-to-day expenses like gas and lunch and such. Without you having to ask he should give you the receipts right away. Its sounds harsh but it is what ***** to be done for him to really honestly work on his recovery. It’s great that he agreed to seek help. Do you think he is really doing so because he has realized that he ***** help or is he doing it because you want him to?
As for your children, they are old enough for the truth. They might not know about the gambling but they certainly know that something is very wrong. The topic of addictions is addressed in school and at least in WA state it now includes cg as well as substance abuse. My daughter was 14 when her father was put in prison for embezzling and it came as a complete shock. I had tried to protect her and that was a wrong decision. If the kids know there is also less danger of being forced to take sides or reject your hb without knowing what is really going on. Just my opinion though.
Do you have any support for yourself, like friends or family you can safely confide in? Addiction isolates, not only the addict but even more so the family members. You might want to find a GamAnon group for yourself. While I was an active group member we also had teenage children of cgs there because addiction is a family disease and it takes an combined effort to attack the beast. I hope your hb is ready to work on step one since he sure has lost control at this point. Wishing you and your family the best….Adele, oh girl, do I hear and feel you! You already did all the right things by protecting your money and having the credit monitored. Your story is very similar to mine and I don’t know about you but I did take what my hb did, how he behaved and what he said personal. Until I learned and understood that the cgs come in all shapes, ages and colors but the addiction and its’ nasty pattern is the same across the board. As to your (step) daughter, I understand that you are afraid of her reaction but as you said, you love her and have a long history with her. It might not be your place to tell her about her dad’s addiction and nobody can tell you what to do of course. Every situation is different and so are the people. One thing to keep in mind though is that cgs don’t know friends and family from enemies when it comes to getting a hold of money. When the well at home dries up, they usually turn to others to ask for funds or borrow some. My hb came up with the most outrageous explanations and family and friends fell for it. Or just pretended to believe his stories, who knows. You say that your hb lies not only about money and gambling. I also dealt with it for many yrs. My hb always avoided any kind of argument, confrontation, anything that he felt uncomfortable with. And mostly things that he hid for as long as possible because he didn’t like the reaction of others would he have told the truth. It was easier to be a master of avoidance and then deal with problems when everything was said and done. His dysfunctional family was just the same way. I am a firm believer in holistic treatment for any kind of addiction. The whole person has to be addressed, not only the gambling. My hb completed inpatient treatment 3 ***** and only the last time it really worked because he had to work on more issues than just the gambling. Which was only a symptom of everything that went wrong in his life.
Your hb does not like the term disease. I don’t really either. But was else to call it? Does he think he is just behaving badly because he chooses to gamble? And his statement that he will get “over” it once you are living together again is just a copout imho. It give him a reason, not you, just him. He gambles because of his current situation. Right, who would blame him….It buys him time to keep doing what he is doing and at the same time gives you hope that everything will be ok again. It does not matter where he lives, with you, in a state with our without “big” casinos. Once the addiction has a hold on him, it will continue to torture both of you. The up and downs of total devastation and some hopeful glimpses into the future are very common. That’s how the addiction works. To keep both of you in line so to speak. Anything that poses as a threat has to be removed, and you are a threat because you decided to fight it on your own terms. And you are fighting, that’s what your posts are saying. If you get well yourself, the addiction looses some of its’ grip. At least on you. Did you get the jeans and the heels yet???? 🙂Hi Adele, I can see your strength in you posts even though you are at a bad place right now. I struggled with depression actually for most of my marriage and didn’t realize why. My hb was already gambling when we met and had been since he was a teenager. I had no clue and nobody thought it would be necessary to tell me. Of course I knew nothing about gambling addiction and nothing about the signs and symptoms. Like every cg, my hb was a pathological ****, not only when it came to money and gambling. So my marriage crumbled from the very beginning. You can read the convoluted story in my first posts. I am originally from Germany and after we moved here in 2000 my hb relapsed after almost 11 yrs. He took us down fast, everything was gone. The savings, my daughter’s college fund, our complete retirement, the cars and ultimately our first and only own home. He embezzled money at his federal job and went to prison for a year. That is why my marriage did not survive. Too much hurt, pain and damage. My depression worsened over the yrs a great deal and I developed an off-the-charts anxiety as well. It looks like you are not that far down the road, which is a good reason for you to have some hope. You also seem to have a pretty clear head and that is to your advantage. You might want to think about boundaries, how much will be too much for you? You deserve to be happy and at peace and that should be your absolute priority. Don’t give the addiction power over you. I’m a rather factual person so what I would have wished I had done is very simple. Drawn a line that my hb knew he shouldn’t cross. Never threaten something I was not prepared to go through with. Looked for support, like GamAnon way earlier. Educated myself re legal issues in this state (WA) and most of all, protect my finances better. At the end, all of this would not have helped my marriage but would have put my daughter and myself in a better position. My depression had a name, my hb’s. He is in recovery now for over 3 yrs and is a changed man altogether. We are still married for financial reasons but don’t live together. We have become something like friends out of necessity. Ha, I should take my story to Dr. Phil and see what he has to say…lol. Go buy the skinny jeans and the heels and walk proud with your head held high. Myself, I prefer the good old relaxed fit and some sketchers, the fancy days are over, age takes its’ toll on me. I can detect some ***** in you, girl. Go dig it out and show the addiction that you will NOT surrender. I know a lot of people who’s marriage has survived and is now even better, if different even if mine did not. Go for it!!!
Hi Adele, I know the song very well and my take on it whenever I hear it is “why waste your time, girl when you KNOW it is over”. Oh the wisdom I developed after the fact! lol. You seem pretty strong to me and I love your sense of humor! Just like there is a pattern when it comes to cgs and their behavior, there is a pattern to us as spouses/families/friends. I know very well what you are talking about. Gambling is like a cancer of the soul, it eats you from the inside out, everybody involved is sick. The outside, like your house and the laundry basket seems to reflect the chaos of emotions and thoughts on the inside. At least that’s how it was for me and still is because of what happened in my life. But I firmly believe that we get stronger once we have reached our own personal rock bottom. When we reach the point of no return and decide that something has to change. First of all we have to change because we cannot change our gambler. My hb was like an empty s****, possessed by his need to gamble. I didn’t know him anymore. Before we can make any kind of decision about the relationship I think we need to take an inventory of ourselves and our lives. I spend many hours thinking what it would be like if my hb was NOT gambling. Would we be alright? Do you have any other support besides this site? Any family or friends you can trust and talk to? Being utterly alone in this is the worst of all imho. The addiction is convoluting our minds as well as the mind of the cg. Thats the MO necessary to stay alive and well. It is very important for you to get well yourself and not to worry about your hb. The addiction is his and his only to take care of, meaning to start conquering it. If he sees the need. Wash your clothes, all of them and wear something really nice to work, lol. That’s a start. Secure your finances and look for support wherever you can. I, too spent many yrs in desperation. Crying, begging, yelling, angry and totally helpless and powerless. Until I decided one day that it was enough and come **** or high water, it was going to change. I was going to change. The days and weeks until my hb went to his final and successful inpatient treatment were the first once I was at peace. Even though it all didn’t work out the way I hoped it would (only the recovery is still working) I still cherish this time. Your are stronger than you think, girl. Funny though, I also process a lot with music. There was youtube with all the nice songs, my favorite one being “bridge over troubled waters” (yes, I am THAT old) and “House of the rising sun”, which was always on the radio all of a sudden when my hb was in prison. Go figure….
Hi Thunder, you have certainly come to the right place to find support. Your story is mine and our story is that of all the other f&f of compulsive gamblers here on this site and out there all over the world. I guess we all start by taking what our gambler is doing and saying as very personal. I did too. It took me a long time to realize that it was actually the addiction and not my hb who was destroying his life and also mine and our daughter’s. Addiction is a concept, not tied to a certain substance or behavior. Many addicts replace one addiction with another because they still need the rush, the relief, the escape or whatever it is that is driving them. The counselor was right, he will work on his recovery when he is willing and ready. In other words, begging, ultimatums, threats, nothing will “make” him stop. The addiction will do whatever it takes to stay alive and well. You will find lots of emotional support here, so I just want to suggest some things you can do right now to make sure that you and the kids are financially safe, which is very important when you start this journey on the slippery slope of gambling addiction. Does anybody else know about this? Maybe you can find support from a family member or a trusted friend? It would be a great idea to find a GamAnon meeting where you feel comfortable. The most important people right now are you and your children. You are the only functioning parent right now and they need you to be strong. Take his name of any joint accounts you have. Open your own if necessary. Same goes for all credit cards. Pull both your credit records to get an idea, how much debt he might have accumulated without you knowing it. Make sure that you pay all the bills and that he has no access to any money, like savings or whatever you guys have. It would be good if you could take some kind of an inventory of where you stand right now. What do you want to happen? What are you willing to take and where do you see your rock bottom? Maybe you can come up with a plan for what will happen if push comes to shove because it is vital that you NEVER threaten him with anything you are not willing to go through with. I did that for years and looking back I have to agree with Freud, who defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome each time, smart man he was..lol. I live in the Tacoma area in WA and am wondering if you would like my contact info just in case? I don’t really know if I can include that in a post here but maybe Velvet can answer that question when she replies to you? OR has a council on problem gambling as far as I know and it is a great resource for any kind of information for your area. I think your situation is not hopeless since your hb knows about recovery already and seems to be aware that gambling is a huge problem is his life. My thoughts are with you, girl! 🙂
Hi Berber, I read your post and I love how you express ur emotions with the smileys! From my own experience it is very normal how your cg reacts I think. It must be very scary for him since he does not really know what to expect. And I also think that part of the anxiety has to do with losing the “crutch” of gambling emotions and problems away. There will be a gap to be filled with new stuff, which is at this point still unknown. The same goes for you. Things will be different, at least during the time he is gone. And hopefully different in a positive way when he returns. The relationship will change for both of you. And there might be the fear on your part that it will not work, at least that was the case for me. Just wondering, why did YOU pack the suitcase and prepare the documents? The compliment he paid you sure was great! Enjoy it, you worked hard for it! As for his parents, addiction is a family disease and they might also be a little afraid of what is coming after treatment. I know loads of people who still think that cg is a behavioral problem and can be overcome by willpower and just not doing it. They will come around. My hb’s family knew more about his gambling than I did for many years. They distanced themselves from him over the years and have only lately grasped how very different he is as a person now in recovery. I wish you well, both of you. When the day of departure comes, do something nice for yourself and take a deep breath, or 2, or 15….And you are not nagging, you are doing the right thing. 🙂