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I am not a cg but have been on the roller coaster ride with my hb for many, many years. Gambling addiction has many faces and “causes”. There is certainly a genetic factor involved and also a cultural one because gambling is more accepted in some cultures than in others. I read in your post that you live in Canada and wanted to suggest that you do a little research re. available help for cgs in your country. If you google “Problem gambling councils Canada” you will see that quite a few websites pop up. I live in the US and we have these councils in almost every state. They are a great resource for information about any kind of help you might be looking for. Just an idea because it is so very difficult to sort everything out when you first start on the road to recovery. Once the finances and everything else start to fall apart, it becomes quite overwhelming and scary. Maybe give it a try and look for help wherever you can get it. I wish you luck.
I’m glad to read that you are safe and sound back on some solid ground! I live in the US and the majority of addiction counselors are realizing more that co-dependency is an addiction of its’ own. We are sucked into the world of the addict, just on another level and with different symptoms. Unfortunately, only the addict gets treatment, if he/she is lucky. The loved ones have to find their own way of creating their recovery system. There is a reason why a lot of addicts are advised, to NOT return to their old environment once they complete treatment. Most of the time not possible but it does increase the probability of staying clean. Makes sense to me. It is not enough for a cg to complete treatment successfully and then return where nothing has changed. JMHO of course. Based on my own experience. The first two inpatient programs my hb completed didn’t do much good. The third did the trick. So I do believe that an addict has a better chance of lasting recovery when the loved ones are in their recovery as well. I wish you all the luck in the world! The weather is certainly better in Cuba but better laughing in the rain than crying in the sun 🙂
I agree with Vera on this one. Your hb (or is he officially your ex?) is in your head it seems. Looks to me like he is running your life, your day, your emotions, your thoughts. As long as you reply to his texts, answer his calls and react to what he does or doesn’t do, you cannot take good care of yourself and your kids. Of course this is just my opinion, based on my own experience of more than 20 yrs with a cg. The addiction and everything that goes with it is his, not yours. He is like a shadow dimming the sunlight you so much deserve in your life. As for social media, if you and your daughter are using Facebook, it might be a good idea to “de-friend” him and allow only people on your page you want to be in contact with. That way he will not know what you are up to and what is going on in your life. He doesn’t need to know where you are going and what you are doing. It would be better for your daughter as well I think if he has no access to her page as long as he is treating the kids as he does now.
Last but not least I think that as long as you are giving him mixed signals, he will try to mess with your head, your heart and consequently your and your kids happiness and peace of mind. Maybe it is really time to either get a new phone number or block his? Like I said, just mhop but based on my own painful journey.It is not the presence of the machines. Or the tables. Or the race track. Or the lottery ticket. It is about gambling. The rush, the escape, maybe both or whatever the reward might be. Certainly not about money, winning or losing it. I can go to a grocery store and walk through aisles and aisles of booze (it is now legal to sell it in reg. stores in my state). I still don’t feel triggered to buy it. Yes, availability creates a demand but I know that people that live in states here where gambling/casinos are illegal drive hours and hours to cross state lines to get what they want.
My hb started as a teen with a 1 dollar ticket at the race track. He plaid dice, bet on sports teams and when he was old enough, found his drug of choice, the poker and black jack tables. He played in casinos, he played in the army with his friends, he played Backgammon for money and when nothing else was available, he even played slot machines. Anything for the rush combined with a way to escape (his words).
And yes, cgs can stop. Many did and many do every day. Nobody can “make” them stop, they have to come to that decision in their own time and for their own reason. It took me a very long time to understand it but at the end it made so much sense: why should an addict change anything if he/she doesn’t see the need because there is always someone who will cover their tracks, make and accept excuses, believe lies, forgive anything and everything, put food on the table, put gas in the car, pay the bills etc,. etc. That someone was me. The last couple of years because I had no choice but still. It might sound harsh but I wish, I just wish someone had told me the ugly truth and facts before my life was ruined along with his.Jack, don’t underestimate the power of a hug and good communication! When my world fell apart, I was alone. My family and friends live in Europe and my hb’s family blamed me for their own enablement. The only people providing support where the members of my GamAnon group. I still think, your sis should consider consulting a lawyer in re. to the assets. Especially about the family home. My hb convinced me to apply for an equity loan to pay off the cars and then falsified the application amount. I had no clue what was going on. But I do remember that I had to sign off on everything because the house was in both our names. A lawyer will be able to clarify all that.
As for having to watch a cg vigilantly, it all depends. Nobody knows if your bil will relapse. Personally I found it a lot easier to focus on myself and my daughter again once I had the safety measures in place and knew that there wasn’t much my hb could do without me finding out. My head was clearer and the constant anxiety decreased. Better late than never, because I had lost my house, my car, and everything else. Filed for bankruptcy for debt I knew nothing about and was left with no credit score to speak of. It doesn’t have to be this way. I can only speak for myself but I would have gladly traded the losses for the responsibility to monitor the money etc. for the rest of my life. A small price to pay imho. My hb is now in real recovery since his last inpatient treatment over 6 yrs ago. We are married but don’t live together. He has enough income to make a living and so do I. Should he ask me for money without a reasonable explanation and nothing to show for it, I would refuse. Trust is not a right, it’s a privilege that has to be earned.First of all, I cannot give you any legal advice. I can only share my own experience with the issues you mentioned. Your sister might want to consult an attorney to get the answers she needs.
I live in WA and we also have the community property law here. It makes dealing with the financial side of being married to a cg pretty difficult on top of everything else. There are some things your sis can do to protect herself and the kids right now. She can sign up for a good credit monitoring service for herself and her hb as well. Can be done online and she should not share the password with her hb. Personally, I did not share the fact itself with my hb. She might also pull the credit records from all three agencies for both of them to see if there is anything he did not tell her. I got a post office box with only one key so I could check all incoming mail. That was very helpful. If the bank accounts are in her name only, she might want to have the bank put a red flag on the accounts in case her hb tries to go behind her back. No need to be embarrassed, my bank actually told me that I was by far not the only one with the alerts in place. If she does online banking, change the passwords frequently and not share them with anyone. If the car(s) is/are in both names, change the title to her only. My hb sold both of our cars behind my back. It is very important that she keeps cash and bank cards in a safe place at all times. Cgs are very sneaky and smart when it comes to finding resources for money. Last but not least she might want to make sure that the taxes are filed correctly. I left that to my hb and surprise, it resulted in a huge debt which left me no choice but to file separately ever after.
California has a Council on Problem Gambling and Gambling Addiction. It is located in Anaheim and you can find the website online. These councils are present in almost every state and are a great resource for info of all kinds.
Hope this helps a bit.
As an afterthought, your sister is very lucky to have you as someone to go to for help and support! It is so very important to not fight the battle alone.Vera was blunt in her post and I agree with her 100%! Why sugar coat it, the truth hurts but also pushes one in the right direction at times. That’s just my opinion of course. Had I listened to my inner voice when the gambling issue first started to mess with my life and me, for that matter, I had put my foot down right away. The reason my hb finally made a last attempt with an inpatient, longterm treatment was only that I told him No More. No matter what it would do to me, my finances, my everything. Only when he had no way out did he make the decision to wrestle the beast and put it in a cage. He just knew that I was serious and would not budge. For us, it worked. He has been in recovery for over 6 years now and has become a very different person even if our marriage only exists on paper these days. Just saying….
Your last post spoke to me. I have suffered from depression and extreme anxiety my whole life and finding out that I had married a cg made both much worse over the course of about 26 years. Even now that my cg is in recovery, my own issues are still a huge problem. Certainly also because the “aftermath” of the gambling years is still ongoing as far as finances etc. are concerned.
You asked about abuse. Yes, I have experienced it as well. Never physical, but painful nevertheless. The lying, the deceit, the blaming, the disrespect, taking advantage, not caring if there was food on the table, you name it, I lived it. I was told that I was the reason for my hb’s gambling. redirected the anger he had towards himself to me. Everything was just my fault. If I didn’t give him money, I was mean and controlling. I was told that nobody appreciated him. I guess that’s how he justified his trips to the casino. I, too, hated myself for putting up with it even after I had learned about the addiction and its dynamics. The person I was would have never put up with it. My problem was that I had given up my home, my family, my friends, my job and therefore my independency to follow my hb to this country because of his job. I had dug myself a hole so to speak and like to think of the enabling as involuntary. I had no choice.
I agree with Velvet to maybe give GamAnon a try, just to see that you are not alone. And that you are not a person you need to hate but rather caught up in your gf’s insane addiction. Have you ever thought about getting help for your mental health issues? Maybe it would help you to find a way out of the desperate situation you seem to be in right now?
Sad mentioned that she is not abusive but feels rather guilty towards her family. This is something I have seen too. My hb would every now and then morph into an extremely guilt ridden person who tried to accommodate every need he detected in me, our daughter and our extended family. Never lasted long, at least not as far as I was concerned. Then it was back to the blaming game, the angry outbursts and condescending remarks.
There is life after gambling, go for it!Hi Jenny, it seems to me that you are a strong person and determined to rebuild your life without the addictions messing with it. Your kids and you are the most important persons now, what your ex does is his decision. Are you divorced yet? If so, do you have a custody agreement/order for the kids? Nothing is too outrageous for an addict to finance the addiction. It doesn’t surprise me, that your ex tried to get his hands on the benefits for the children. My hb stole our daughters savings right out of her piggy bank. Does csa know about his addictions? They should so that they know what is going on should he try something again.
I noticed that many posts of f&fs mention the constant terror they are exposed to by texts, emails and voice mails. I am old enough to remember times where all you could do was make a call. If you didn’t want to answer, you didn’t pick up and didn’t even know who called. The new technologies are a blessing in many ways but can also turn into a curse. People can intrude on your life, your home, your thoughts and mostly your feelings uninvited and with you on the receiving end. Have you ever thought about blocking your ex’s phone numbers and email address? Not only would this provide you with some much needed peace and quiet for you and the kids but it would also send him a clear message that you are not willing to put up with his shenanigans anymore.
I’m just brain storming here because I am finally able after all the years I spent caught up in my hbs insane behavior to approach the issue from a realistic and factual point of view. The more you can distance yourself from the distorted mind of your cg, the more progress you can make for you and most of all for your kids to live the life you deserve.
It is a very painful road but every step is a step in the right direction. At least imho. Stay strong, you are worth it!!!!There seem to be some red flags in what you wrote in your update. GA doesn’t require a referral from a GP and no appointment is necessary. From my own experience it looks a bit like buying time and satisfying your expectations. My hb is in recovery for almost 6 yrs now and told me that he never wants control of his money again. For him, it is part of his recovery. He gets a certain amount each month to pay his bills (we don’t live together) and the minute he asks me for something out of the ordinary, I pull the plug so to speak.
I have some thoughts on the money issue with the dad but it is strictly my own opinion. Every addiction thrives in secrecy. I would not talk to his family myself but encourage your bf to disclose what is going on. After all, as long as there is money available, there is really not such a great need and urge to stop gambling. Always something to fall back on. I don’t think a drug addict or alcoholic would be in a good place if dad would finance the substance. Indirectly that is what is happening looks like.
And the issue with presents is also connected to the secret. Nobody would ask questions if the gambling is revealed. The greatest present I ever got was the change I saw in my hb after being showered with gifts for 25 years that he could not afford, charged on credit cards for which I had to file bankruptcy in the end. I had no clue how many cards he actually had, go figure. Just some stuff that came to my mind when reading your post.Thank you for your kind words. It took 25 years, 3 inpatient treatments and many relapses to get to this point. My hb also spent a year in prison because of a gambling related crime. I don’t know what his ex told his daughter about his uninvolvement in her life, but am sure it was not very nice. My daughter was 14 when her dad was sentenced and it was hell for the both of us. She did not appreciate being in the dark for so long. Of course she noticed the tension, the fights, the money problems and my desperation but didn’t understand what was going on. I had to tell her that her father was in jail when I picked her up from school the day of the arrest. Today, I would talk to her about it. After all, she learned about substance addiction in school and now they even have cg included in the curriculum. My daughter and I were part of the group that developed the material and that helped her a great deal. As for my step daughter, she now has a little boy and is adamant to protect him from the fall-out caused by my hb’s gambling and her stepdads drinking. It took years for her and her dad to rebuild their relationship. She just watched him for a long time to make sure he rally did change.
Talking to a 4year old is very hard. But if he doesn’t change, some age-appropriate info and conversations might help to sort her feelings out in the long run. I feel so sorry for your little girl, i cannot begin to tell you. What a blessing that she has a mother like you!!! And btw, our marriage did not survive. We are still married on paper and have managed to become good friend. Took a while and still seems very strange but it works.Hi Michelle. I can see your struggle to protect your little girl in your posts. When I met my hb, he was already a cg, I didn’t even know what that was at the time. He told me that he was divorced and had a daughter who was 5. It was obvious, that he loved her very much. He lived in Germany at the time and his daughter on the US west coast. Needless to say that he didn’t see her much. According to him, his wife divorced him because …the reasons were many and changed over time….I believed him. He splurged financially when it came to his daughter even though he didn’t have the money really. A year later we moved to the US and things got ugly. Hie ex wanted their daughter to visit us but only during a certain time, no matter how hard we tried to tell her, that the flight was unaffordable on these specific days. She put her daughter on the phone (not quite 7 at the time) and the little girl asked why we didn’t want to see her. She did not come of course.
When my hb was forced into medical retirement, we had no money for months until I got my job back. My hb could not pay the child support and when things got better, he just didn’t want to pay. I was the one making him get the money orders each month, adding a sum for what he owed. He received a letter from his daughter in the mail asking him to please pay the support. A little girl in the middle of all this crap. My hb was mad at his ex and she was mad at him. It was a terrible situation and it went on until his daughter was 18. Always about money with the ex and I hated what was going on. His daughter finally broke free of the dad hating past and they started to build a relationship that was shattered again when he relapsed.
What I had not been told (but suspected) was that the divorce was caused mostly by his gambling. Some really bad facts emerged through the years. Since my hb started his true recovery almost 6 yrs ago, he has a good relationship with his daughter but it took years to come to this.
Today, I understand some of the behavior his ex showed. Been there myself with my own daughter with the only difference that she was older and my hb had no funds to even support himself.
I think a therapist might be a good idea but it would have to be one who is knowledgable about cg. Your ex is and will always be your daughters dad, no matter what. If he becomes an absentee father who puts her last, it might scar her for years to come. Nobody can tell you what to do and I just wanted to tell my story as an example how it should not be.
What really got me was that the ex wife married her long-time bf after she got pregnant at 40, knowing that he was and still is an active alcoholic who relapses badly after long periods of sobriety. So now there are 3 children involved in this addiction mess. Adult or not. I think you have come a very long way in a short amount of time!Hi Michelle, this all sounds so familiar to me. It sounds like you have not really made up your mind yet what you want to happen. Your cg does what cgs do when the addiction is fully alive and well and nothing else seems to matter. I do believe he loves his daughter but gambling comes first, at least at the moment. I used to thrive during the days (later on only moments) when it looked like my hb finally was ready to do something about his gambling. Constantly on a roller coaster and the downfalls got steeper and steeper over time. There came a point when I came to a screeching halt and decided that enough was enough. I became very calm and made up my mind that I would take no more. The decision to remove him and his gambling from my life as much as I could, no matter what he would do was like lifting a burden from my shoulders. Even if he had not finally gone to inpatient treatment and started his true recovery, I would have never gone back to the everyday insanity.
Have you decided what you want from him? What are your boundaries, especially as far as your little girl is concerned? Children rather come from a broken home than live in one. I would not let your daughter observe, see or hear any of the arguments, whether about money or visitation. If he wants to see her, I would let him but not tell her beforehand. What comes out of his mouth is white noise. He might have the intention to spend time with his daughter but the addiction always gets in the way. So instead of hoping and wondering and getting all worked up and angry, maybe it would be better so just sit down and make some kind of a plan what you want your life to be like. Maybe set some boundaries and tell him if he wants to come at 2 he can have maybe 30 min to be late and then he is out of the picture for that day. Something along that line. You don’t depend on him financially which is a great, great advantage you have.
The longer and the more often he gets away with his behavior, the more he will try to manipulate you. If you quietly and calmly set some rules you are able to keep yourself, he will get the idea that he is on his own with his best friend, the addiction. I might just be rambling here and it is all my very personal opinion as an outsider who has been there for way too long. But only after my point of no return did I quit to call my hb, look at his mail, tried to find out where he was and when etc. And found piece of mind. Don’t ask me what it cost me to achieve it.
I wish you luck and hope your daughter grows up a happy girl. Have the cg-free vacation you two deserve so much.