[nomore 56]

From my own painful experience with fear and the ever present anxiety I would like to suggest that you block his number from your phone(s) and get a new number ASAP. The wounds are still fresh and cgs always find a way to dig into them. The addiction doesn’t like changes and definitely not being disturbed by someone saying enough is enough. At the moment the most important person is YOU. Every call and every message thows us right back into the abyss of living with a cg. It will get easier over time, it really will. Nobody can tell you what to do but imho no contact of any kind is crucial for your own recovery.

[nomore 56]

Hi Olegna,
nyour post struck a chord for me. You said you had been gambling for about 20 years and been married for 10. So when your and your wife met, you were already at it. If it was just for fun or not, she met a man who gambled. So did I. My hb started in Junior HS and when we met he had a problem with it. Not huge but nevertheless and unbeknown to me. It got worse over the next 20 years and ended in a total catastrophy. Eventually he went to prison for a crime he committed to finance the addiction. 3 inpatient treatments later he finally started his recovery and has not gambled for almost 8 years. Our marriage did not survive but we became friends.
nI did get an answer for the reasons he developed his addiction and so did he, which helped tremendously. When he came back from his last and finally successful treatment he was a changed man. Not only as far as the gambling was concerned but altogether. I’m still no sure if I had married him if he would have been this person way back then. Sounds bad but it’s the truth. I also found myself being really mad at times because he had a new goal and mind set, as in not gambling while I was left behind with the damage. Emotional, financially and otherwise. He got the tools he needed to deal with his remorse etc. and I got nothing but trying to come to terms with all my losses. Trust is a huge issue and always will be. I was often frustrated with the fact that he had decided to start his life over kinda and I couldn’t manage that. To be truthful, if my situation would have been different, I would have made a clean break and left.
nEvery person, every relationship is different of course. Does your wife have a way to let out her anger? As far as your family goes, maybe they said something to her that made her mad? The key word is communication and giving each other space, lots of it. This is probably all new to her and it’s a lot to process. If you live in the US, there are counselors certified for gambling counseling, other mental health providers might not know enough about this topic to be of help. Been there, done that. Every state has a Council on Problem Gambling and they are great resources to find the right help. And GamAnon might be a place to start as well. From my experience, the most important factor is total honesty. In every tiny part of everyday life.
nI wish you luck and congrats to your non-gambling time. Stick with it, for you, for her and all your other loved ones.

[nomore 56]

Looks like you live in the US. It all depends if you are in a community property state. If you do, a legal agreement will probably not help much. She can open credit cards in her own name and you are still responsible for what she owes. Same with bank accounts, most banks just ignore the fact that only one name is on the account. Happened to me more than once. My hb accumulated so much debt without my knowledge that I had to fill out pages and pages for filing bankruptcy while I did not owe a single penny to anyone myself. He was also able to sell my car by faking my signature on the title and nobody even checked if I really signed off on it. It goes on and on because you are lumped together as one when it comes to assets of any kind. She can ruin your credit before you know it and you would be in for a whole lot of heart ache trying to unravel the whole mess.

[nomore 56]

I agree with Velvet and Lily, taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do at this point. But I also think it is very difficult to focus on yourself when anxiety re. the finances is a daily companion. It all depends on the situation you are in, if you are financially dependend on your cg’s income or not is a huge factor. If you feel safe you are in a better place to support your cg and to take care of your own needs. At least that’s what it was like for me. I don’t know where you live (I’m in the US) but I signed up for a credit monitoring service and included my hb in it. I could do that without him knowing because he was in a terrible state at that time. They alert me when anything changes, credit checks done by third parties, changes in scores etc. I can look up all active accounts for cards and loans whenever I want to. It is worth every penny and gave me some peace of mind because I knew that I would be on top of things before it would be too late. Maybe it helps.

[nomore 56]

I’m always a bit hesitant to post on a parent’s thread, especially when it’s a mom. We can end a relationship or get a divorce but we will always love our children and be concerned about them, no matter how old they are. However, one issue is the same across the board imho. As long as we make it possible for the cg to continue on the path of destruction and keep the addiction alive, they don’t have a real reason to make a change and work on their recovery.
My hb completed 2 inpatient treatments and relapsed each time. After the first he did not gamble for many years but the addiction was still there He thought, felt and acted like a dry drunk. After the second he relapsed right away. Despite having spent a year in prison for a crime he committed to finance his gambling. Due to our financial situation I was literally forced to enable him. He had a roof over his head, food to eat, my old car to drive, money for gas and cigarettes and I had no choice because he threatened to take most of the money away should I refuse. He didn’t care about the endless arguments, the agony my daughter and I went through for years every day. Nothing mattered to him but the urge to gamble. The only reason he finally decided to make an honest attempt to face the beast in the corner was that I told him that he had to leave. The threads didn’t work anymore, my sanity was more important to me. He had nowhere to go and nobody to turn to anymore. So he decided to seek treatment again. He had no other choice anymore. Now he has been in recovery for almost 7 years and the changes in him are truly remarkable.
Yes, he was mad at me. Yes, he threatened suicide, became angry and depressed and tried to pull the “poor me” and “it’s your fault when I end in misery” on me. All the time. He wanted me to worry about him and feel guilty. Nothing but manipulation. And not intentionally, I’m sure as he is very disgusted now with the person he became when he gambled.
I like to think that giving a cg money for gas, tickets, and food, to provide shelter and other basic stuff when he actually has enough to support himself, is like giving an addict alcohol or drugs. When there is no real need to quit, it is most likely not going to happen. Sometimes we have to just stand our ground and even if it hurts, it might be what’s best for for the addict.
I hope you find a way to get some peace and joy back into your life.

[nomore 56]

I forgot to say that my hb completed a third inpatient program. Out of state and lasting 120 days. He has been in recovery ever since.

[nomore 56]

Hi Kristy, I live in the greater Seattle area and am quite familiar with the treatment and help options in WA State. First let me say that my heart goes out to you because my hb’s gambling was an issue when I was pregnant many years ago. The stress had a great impact on my pregnancy and consequently on my daughter. I firmly believe that.
I don’t know anything about the treatment facility you mentioned but the fact that it is close to your home should not be a factor if and when your hb is ready to work on his recovery. Every cg is different and what works for one might not work for another. My hb completed 2 inpatient programs, each lasted 30 days. After the first one he stopped gambling for many years but was in relapse mode instead of being in recovery. The second was a waste of time. Today he says that he firmly believes addiction needs a kind of holistic approach, meaning looking at every aspect of the person’s life, past and present. He attended GA meetings and really didn’t get much out of them. But that is a personal thing, some cgs need the meetings and stay in recovery with the help of fellow addicts.
The most important thing for you right now is to create a safe and halfway peaceful place for yourself and your child. You cannot make your hb do anything and going into treatment because he feels obligated will most likely not get the results you want for him and your family. If you are able to, try to find a GamAnon meeting in your area. Do you have support from family and/or friends? The burden gets a little lighter when you can share it I think.
You can find the Evergreen State Council on Problem Gambling on the internet. The have a lot of resources you could tap into. There is also a list of qualified, certified gambling counselors on their site. To find the right therapist or treatment program is very important because your hb seems to also have a problem with alcohol. Counseling is also available for family members and I believe they still charge on a sliding scale depending on your income.
If you have any questions I can answer, please let me know. I will write more later re. taking steps to protect your finances for the time being.
Take good care of yourself!!
Birgit

[nomore 56]

Hi Shelly,
just like you, I lived with the lies, the deceit, the manipulation, the fear and everything else that is part of cg. My hb is finally in recovery and has been for almost 7 yrs. Our marriage did not survived, we are still married for several reasons and have become good friends. It took me a long time to redevelop some trust and it is not 100%.
My daughter was also 14 when her dad went to prison for embezzling a huge amount of money at work. She had no clue what had been going on for so long and therefor the shock was tremendous as you can imagine. She was upset with me at first for not telling her because she always knew that something was going on.
Kids learn about alcohol and drugs in school and cg should be included imo. It is now part of the social studies curriculum in my state (WA).
The addiction is not yours, it is your hb’s and he is the only one who can make changes. If he sees the need. Telling you that he would do anything to keep you in his life is probably just white noise to keep you hanging in there, at least that’s what it sounds like.
You will get plenty of emotional support on this forum and I just want to list a couple of things you can do right now to maybe make you feel a little more “in control”. I live in the States but I think as far as finances are concerned, the steps are pretty similar in most other countries. Pull both your credit reports and get a credit monitoring service so that you get alerts if your hb applies for cards or a loan. Make sure you are not on his cards and he is not on yours. If you can, have the mail go to a post office box and keep the key. No shared bank accounts so that he cannot withdraw funds you need. Take over all bills to make sure they are being paid. Personally I would even insist that only my name is on the title of the car. If he really wants to quit gambling, he will not have a problem having his pay checks be deposited into your account. If you give him money for personal expenses, request receipts for everything he spends. I found all this to be a good indicator of my hb’s truthfulness. The minute he started to complain, to get angry, to accuse me of having control issues etc. I knew something was up!
I had nobody in my life I could turn to and that was really difficult. Being alone with the pain, the hurt and all the other emotions makes it a lot harder to deal with the misery a cg creates in everybody’s life. It would be helpful if you have a person you can trust and share with what is going on. I attended a GamAnon group for a while and that helped me getting the chaos a bit into perspective.
I wish you all the luck in the world!!!!

[nomore 56]

Hi Lost, I have been in a very similar position years ago when my hb’s addiction was at its peak. He used to call me at work, on my cell phone and sent me nasty emails. His way of getting to me because he knew how much it bothered me and raised my already insane anxiety level. Even worse, we used to live in one apartment at the time because we couldn’t afford another household.
Addicts have a 6th sense for what gets to the people in their lives and what bothers them the most. You might want to consider to change your email address and/or block him from email and your phone as well.
As for your son, can you in any way limit the visitation or link it to certain conditions? I don’t know if you have a private agreement for this or if it was court ordered. Anyway, it doesn’t sound like he is really interested in seeing his son because the addiction is much more important. I think your son is old enough to understand that and it might hurt him more then seeing his disinterested father less. Personally I find it outrageous that parents bring their children to a poker game especially when they are a cg. If the children are not properly supervised, all kinds of things can happen, heaven forbid it does.
I am glad for you that you found a way to get better, even if it involved a separation!

[nomore 56]

Hi Three Timer, it seems to me that you already know what is best for you and have made up your mind pretty much. From what I read in your posts, your relationship sounds a bit unhealthy (to me at least). There are obviously more issues than just the gambling.
Cgs scheme and lie and try to manipulate, anything to keep the addiction alive. Recovery is something the addict has to work on himself, nobody can really help, just support the effort. It takes dedication and hard work on his part, the addiction is his, not yours.
I am also a type 1 diabetic, have been for 38 years and I have to agree with you, the disease is brutal. Stress is a big factor in keeping your BS stable and living with a cg can really aggravate the problems. Just like you, I have been tempted to give up many, many times. What kept me going was that my daughter and my pets needed me. When you are battling serious health problems, being in a relationship with an addict can be harder than it is for a healthy person. JMHO of course. Nobody can tell you what to do, that is for you to decide. Listen to your gut and try to do what is best for you and your son. I wish you the best of luck in anything you do!!

[nomore 56]

That sounds really sad Vera. Your hb sounds like a very unhappy man. A lot of men refuse to deal with their issues, my hb did too. Until he changed his life around, he acted a lot like your’s. Always avoiding any kind of communication he felt was uncomfortable for him. Never talking about what bothered him until it became too much and he blew up. Slamming doors and leaving was how he solved the issue. Everyone had to be happy at all times, nothing could be difficult or worth a serious discussion. He always felt criticized. When I made a comment about anything, he would felt attacked. Or apologized. Not easy. He was also socially very awkward. I knew a little bit about his childhood but how terrible it really was, I had no clue. It all came out after he completed treatment and we started to talk about all the stuff that happened.
No, I don’t think that your family would be perfect if not for you causing all the problems. It is seldom a one sided issue. I completed all the necessary courses for substance abuse counseling and worked for a while in an outpatient treatment agency. Addiction and recovery don’t just apply to the addict. It is just as much a family issue. When the addict makes changes, the family often does not because they don’t think they are part of the problem. For many it is easier to deal with the addict than with the person in recovery because all of a sudden everything is different while they don’t see the need to change also. So they want back what they are familiar with. My teachers always told us that a person has a much better chance of maintaining recovery when he/she does not return immediately to the old environment after treatment.
I believe that most people try to fill a void in their life with anything that helps with the pain. Wether it is an addiction, having an affair, shopping, whatever shrinks the gaping hole is welcome. Everyone deals with it in a different way. I was never much bothered by my own personal void and my inability to connect emotionally with people as long as they just left me alone. Instead I treasured certain material things and most of all my animals. With the exception of my daughter of course. Logically the void got bigger over time due to all the losses. I had to let 4 pets go in the course of a year and that hurt me more than anything my hb ever did.
I’m sorry you have to go through all this now and think it’s great that you still have the strength to not give in and gamble. That’s something, isn’t it?

[nomore 56]

It is very hard living in an emotional void, your own or someone else’s. I do feel some emotions, anger, sadness, desperation, are some of them. I just don’t know what real empathy, compassion etc. are, just in theory I understand what it should be. If that makes sense.
Do you really think that something DROVE you to gambling? Has your hb always been this way? Do you think that he, in general, is a trigger for you?
From what I have learned, I firmly believe that every addiction treatment needs to take a holistic approach. Gambling is just one facet of what might be going on with a person. My hb completed a 120-days inpatient program and they dug really deep into his past and what happened over a lifetime. It was painful but a huge revelation. Gambling was his escape and provided a rush at the same time. The roots were laid in his childhood. He often told me that I made him gamble because of this and that. Come to find out that I just symbolized and reminded him of what happened to him when growing up. Not only did he start his recovery, he is a changed man in many other ways as well.
I think recovery is even harder to maintain when you feel the void around you day in and day out. JMHO though.

[nomore 56]

Just saw your post, Vera. I am not and never have been able to relate to people on an emotional level. And I mean never, as in not even as a small child barely aware of her own existence. Not my parents, certainly not my sister, nobody I can think of. I feel with my brain. I do not like any kind of emotional closeness being put on me by others either. That includes my romantic relationships. They were never about what one would call love. Hard to explain. Security, safety, stability, routine, predictability, that were always my most important needs. I have heard more than once that I might have a touch of Asperberger’s syndrome. If I do or not is of no concern to my anymore. It all goes back to not being able to truly and really feel and connect. People are not important to me, other than the minimum of contact one needs to make it through life. For someone like me, material possessions, and I don’t mean being filthy rich, are very important. Doesn’t have to have much value, just the things I cherish for some reason mean so much that it hurts so bad to lose them that the pain becomes almost physical.
When people tell me that home is where the heart is, I have to disagree. My heart is where the home is. Can’t explain it any better, sorry.
I am very proud that I was able to raise my daughter to be the person she is under the circumstances, that’s for sure. Funny though, my mom, my daughter and I are pretty similar when it comes to emotions and being close to people. Not only because one raised the other, sometimes it’s funny and very amazing how we think and act alike.
Well, there goes another week of nothing, lol.
I think you are doing a great job.

[nomore 56]

Vera, I don’t have faith of any kind, don’t believe in a higher power or praying. I respect you greatly for having these tools to help with your recovery. A lot of people have problems to understand that any kind of emotional concepts are alien to me. I believe only in what I can see or touch, always has been this way. It is one of the reasons I often feel like an alien on the wrong planet. Yes, I do have some emotional scars but most of them have to do with other things I have lost. The most important one being my home. As pathetic as it sounds, that is the biggest scar of them all. It was the one thing that gave me some sense of security, safety and the knowledge that I was finally not dependent on others anymore. The fact that my hb took away my xmas ornaments, that I lost my beloved car and my home hurt me more than everything else. I know it sounds terrible but it is the ugly truth.
He knows about my pain and accepts it because he knows about my issues. I am more desperate than angry. Forgiveness, whatever it is, how it is done, what it is supposed to do will not help. It will not bring back anything. Will not make me like my life any better. I deal in facts only and we often talk about it. My hb is ok with the life he is living now, thankful for what he was able to accomplish and recovery is the most important thing for him. I’m glad for him but at the end of the day I’m still lost and broken.
Thank you so much for taking an interest.

[nomore 56]

I don’t understand what forgiveness means. That is one of the emotional concepts my brain will not process. I feel with my brain so to speak and if something is not logical, I don’t get it. In the very beginning I accepted that my hb has addiction. I supported him as good as I could and eventually we moved on. What I cannot accept is his relapse. He was gamble free for 11 years and the first trip to a casino was a conscious decision. He agrees with me on that one.
I could not ever forgive some of the things he has done. He took everything away from me that I cherished. All the while knowing what it meant to me. He was very well aware what was important to me in my life and took it anyway. When he went to prison for a year he left me to deal with the destruction by myself. To this very day I have no idea how I got through all that. I was humiliated, ridiculed and judged. For what HE did. The whole story is book material, trust me. Then he came back from prison, continued gambling and expected me to welcome back. And it all started all over again. Because of our situation (felony, age, health etc.) we were never able to undo even part of the damage. There was no picking up the pieces, moving on and rebuilding. What is there for good is that everything is gone.
We became friends because we had to. It works, we get along ok and since none of us has any family or friends we are our only support system in many ways.
But at the end of the day I just wish I had chosen Flight. Because the Fight did me no good.
Have a great weekend!

[Author]

Posts