[mermaid]

Here I am typing again. I just deleted a couple of my posts. Posts that were filled with details of agonising, worry, frustration over debt and paying and enabling and standing firm and allowing oneself to be drawn into it all. The venting served its purpose and the waves passed, the clouds floated by on the blue sky background. All of it so much a part of trying to learn to be more assertive, impose clear, firm boundaries, communicate clearly.

Now I have had communication with my husband, quite a long phone call, a rare thing. I feel I have to justify myself, defend myself, I feel ashamed (not to him, to others in my life). And I really don´t like those feelings. But when I feel and I say that I really do believe he is changing, that he wants to change, that he is resolute in his desire to beat the gambling to change his life…I know that people will not believe…that they will say…but hasn´t it all happened before and well, the pattern of addicts is so…and the F&F cycle and and….My absence is making a difference to him. It could be that I return and there I am again, he is no longer missing me, and it is easier for him to slip back into his old patterns. It could be that we go back to our old, toxic dynamics (I am doing and trying to learn and grow all I can to avoid this). But there is an evolving process. He has been really struggling more than ever before because of his last gambling debt. He definitely doesn´t want to live like that. He wants our relationship. He tells me he wants my support and he wants this change. He wants me to learn so I can help him. I can´t judge how much he has gone through, if that is now enough for him. He seems more resolute. I can only wait for time to show me.

Like I have said a number of times. I don´t really know what concrete actions he can be taking to show me he is serious about changing. I only have his words and him not gambling (and of course it is easier for him not to gamble during times when he has no money). I have known him so far to not lie so much, just more directly around episodes of gambling and even then he often comes clean fast. But I am so wary because of all the secrecy, lies and manipulation that generally surround addiction. That the addict himself doesn´t even know what he/she is saying. That he convinces himself. That in the moment that is what he/she believes, but then the waves of compulsion hit. But he has also been surprisingly open too. I am not even sure if I in a similar situation (which I know I can´t imagine, really) would be so open.

So…I do want to give it another shot in Cuba. He wants me back there now and I still want to give it more time and have told him I don´t have the money yet and want still to see how he goes in the next few weeks. He has found a house for us to live in and it sounds really nice and we have never had our own space really because it just has not been easy to.

I hate this feeling of needing to justify to others, and really…to myself. I hate thinking that this time is different when I know that this is often part of the pattern. But I just do think it is different! I know the fall can come. I know I can be wrong. I know my husband can be wrong. I know it is a long hard journey ahead. I know I have to do what I can to make myself strong. To handle things differently. The situation will only change if I change how I do things. If I can act differently in similar situations. If I can break the cycle. If I can protect myself and not get sucked in. And really I very much want to be much clearer in my messages to him and my expectations, and better able to motivate him.

So I really hope that in the coming few weeks, I can equip myself with the tools, strength and insight to return to Cuba and be the best support I can to my husband (as he walks his path) and to myself. It is a hugely challenging place, but I feel I have come so far just in a few weeks just by reading, listening and writing. By sharing and learning. I wish my husband had a similar opportunity, but for now he doesn´t. Perhaps in the future.

I will still wait and see how the next few weeks go. Sometimes it is hard and I want to rush back to Cuba tomorrow. Sometimes I find it very hard to explain to my husband why I want to be in Mexico for now and that I need more time here and that this will benefit us both. But really I hate this feeling of justifying and defending myself to others in this situation with my husband. I want to be where he is to give it a go, to try to support him. In an empowered way. And to just see how it goes…no great expectations, but also, yes with hope and hope can be dashed, sometimes horribly, but it also drives and motivates us to positive thoughts and actions. I guess I want to know how to be well prepared for any let down….just how to be strong and positive. Again…no magic wands. But…knowing different ways to…skin a cat. It is such a confusing mix – incredible wariness, embarrassment/shame (such destructive emotions!), hope, excitement, impatience…a soup of inner conflict…and..in the end…probably all stemming from…broken trust.

[mermaid]

Thank you so much, M. That is so kind. It is good to have you “there”. I know all of us here are in and/or have been through such difficult situations. And sometimes it seems almost the hardest thing to look after oneself. It must be extra hard as well for you with your daughter. But it is so true, that we need to really care for ourselves, make ourselves strong and live empowered lives. We don´t have any magic wands to make this addiction go away as quickly as we discovered it was there! I know on the money thing and feel guilty as well for giving him money so many times. I also had no idea that I was drip-feeding him money (not large amounts, but steadily it really mounted up and he used me feeling sorry for him and wanting to feel he was eating better, etc.) while he was in prison. Prisons are also terrible places for intensifying addictions. I am really trying hard to stay firm with him!!!
I do try to do nice things for myself each day. Which I think mainly revolve around nice things to eat, some wine, walking in the park for at least an hour, being able to connect to a good friend by Skype. What do you do? Do you have things that you try to do each day to take good care of yourself? I am not there right now but hope to be in a space soon where I can give support to others based on what I have learned on this journey. Power to us! 🙂

[mermaid]

I´m just going to go ahead and write this stream of stuff in my head. Today it is feeling harder again. Of course, some days are easier than others. I am here in Mexico really because I ran from….the addict…I have named it Chok…I don´t really know why, but I imagine it like some kind of Stone Age Man-Yeti, hairy being. I needed space from the addict, time to think, time to be by myself, and I needed to protect myself, emotionally and financially. Much of me didn´t want to leave, and I think I would have stayed there and battled longer (in vain) if it had not been for my visa expiring. So now I have just very little communication with my husband. He has really tried to be in touch, but also he has been in touch mostly about his gambling debt, how to pay it, asking for help from me, telling me how the money still hasn´t arrived, telling me about how hard it is for him that the man he borrowed money from to pay to the gambling sharks is pressuring him every day for the money and if I can´t complain to my bank, etc. etc. I will not help him again with money and I have known it is the worst thing to do for 2-3 months (it took me a while), but this is still from the past, still lingering. I know I need to focus on myself, but my thoughts are so much with my husband. We haven´t talked at all on the phone for more than 2 weeks. It is very expensive, but also he sold his phone, which really is a good thing as he had left it over and over for security with the gambling sharks and it enabled him to play and run up the debt. It took me a while to fully realise the role of the phone and I paid for him to retrieve it over and over because I also wanted communication with him. He walks around with literally zero money in his pockets, looking for some way to buy some cigarettes and he smokes a lot, but they are cheap in Cuba (but cost more than nothing!). Apart from the cigarettes, when he has a few cents someone has given him he uses it for a few minutes of internet at the state telecommunications office and gets in touch with me, but this is less and less. Today he had about 10 seconds left and just left me a quick message on Facebook that he hoped I was doing well and that the money had still not arrived and could I check with my bank except that he would have no way of communicating with me now. So I just have to…try…to let go. He is where he is because of gambling. He has no money because of gambling. People (powerful people with a lot of influence who could potentially resort to dirty tactics) are pressuring him for their money back because of gambling. He has no work that gives him at least a little income because of gambling. He doesn´t have his own nice space to live in because of gambling. I, his wife, am here in Mexico because of gambling. I miss him and the person I thought he used to be because of gambling. There is so much pain because of gambling. I cry because of gambling.

[mermaid]

Velvet, Thank you for your post and the slavering beast analogy. I had read it in several other posts and thought about it. I think it does help me to try sometimes to separate the “addict beast” from the rest of the person, although it also feels strange and somehow harsh to do this. But the cg can be such a Jekyll and Hyde and it is so true that they don´t seem to act or talk in any logical way when they are driven by the addict…or at least it is so focused on the fix and defending the fix. However, also when I think of this beast ruling my husband, so to speak, it makes me feel sorry for him…and I am trying to move away from feeling sorry for him, as we have touched on! But I find it so hard! I see him really struggling with this, I see what a grip it has on him and I feel sorry for him. But I am trying to do the tough love thing.

I feel bad still for enabling him so much with paying his debts and handing him money to use (when I did´t realise it was for the gambling, and also after I did, but he kept saying I could trust him and to give him another chance…or he found some trick, or he believed himself he wouldn´t succumb and wanted to show himself he wouldn´t,then did – I think there was a range of scenarios at different times) and this was also apart from being convinced by him and wanting to believe him, because I was very concerned about the consequences of not paying his debts to those running the gambling racket in town. This also while he was in prison and because he is now on parole, and also because the country is so hard and the law is so random, corrupt and draconian (he spent a year in prison with no criminal charges and no evidence in the trial and this was reduced from 4 years). Then some of the times he found ways to get money out of me, taking my bank cards, pawning valuable things I needed. Now I want to stop giving him any money and have told him so and I believe he believes me and has seen it get harder and harder for him. However, the money I sent him for the last time will have a little over the amount he has to pay, most likely, maybe as much as $30, I don´t know, and I am very nervous about this. I tried every way I could to send the exact amount, but it wasn´t possible. It is also so hard when I know my husband has no money at all right now, but it is his own doing. So these are, yes, really early days for me not enabling his gambling with any money I give him in any way for any reason. And still not quite there in the sense that there is lingering money from a couple of weeks ago that hasn´t reached him, and he is incredibly worried because it is taking so long and he is under such pressure from the guy he borrowed from. So he is generally in touch with me briefly each day saying he is so worried and desperate and I try to stay firm, say he has to wait and that this is all a consequence. But I can´t help worrying that something quite bad will happen to him because of this unpaid debt. More…time will tell…It is much easier to not think so much about it all, not be so stressed – despite the fact that I write a lot about it all here! – by being so far away from him with so little communication at the moment. I want to be a support with firm, clear communication to him, but as discussed, I don´t know what actions he can be taking, other than using willpower because of the lack of options in Cuba. So I need to think what I can be saying to him. Another ramble! Time for bed here!

[mermaid]

Hi Vera,
Thank you for writing and for caring enough to give me advice. I know very well what you are saying. In the past I gave him money for his debts because I was scared of the consequences for him (once I realised what was going on and that I was enabling). This was the final time…is the final time and the situation is left over from something that happened a month ago. Again, I succumbed because I was scared he would go to prison, be beaten up, or even killed. But one reason I came to Mexico was so that I couldn´t get money to him even if I wanted to and that he knew that. I realise that the past few months have fed the addiction and it has escalated and escalated. I know. He also manipulated, of course, and it took me a while to figure out things…but now he can´t get at my money and knows it. So time will tell…Thank you again.

[mermaid]

Hi again,
Something I am struggling with at the moment is that I am telling my husband that I am staying in Mexico for now to see how he goes and that I want to see him make concrete changes to combat the gambling. But really, neither of us know what those could be other than him using willpower, which I have read over and over that no one has experienced someone overcome the addiction by willpower alone with no support. So I am asking him something without really knowing what it is I am asking of him and yet it is a condition I am making to him! From here I can´t really know if he is gambling or not, only if he gets in touch and says he is in debt again because he has gambled. However, at the moment he has no money at all and nothing to pawn for the night as security, but I am worried as I think he will have $30 or $40 in the coming days. Willpower has not worked for him in the past, although I think he has only been serious in the past 6 weeks or so. Just after I left for Mexico, a month ago, after he had not gambled for nearly 2 weeks, he went and gambled for 3 nights in a row (so he said it was) went through every penny that was left for him (including as security at his mother´s and he travelled there to get her to give it to him), sold the last things I had left there and overshot by $300 still. So there is the triangle thing, money-location- time. He has plenty of time, no option for work right now and very few options for pastimes. He has tried to change his address with the court to stay at his mother´s (where there is gambling but less money and less easily accessible) and the process is just too complicated involving the supreme judge and a long wait time. And he won´t always be going around with absolutely zero money, although often is at the moment when I am not there, and generally doesn´t have a cent in his pockets – which in some ways makes him more desperate to look for a win (in his mind).

So, I am stuck as to what to say to him. I keep saying I want to see concrete actions and not just words, but the only concrete actions I can see he has as options are just abstaining from gambling.

Do you have any ideas at all? It feels very challenging.

[mermaid]

Thank you so much Velvet for your reply again. It really is so comforting and very much helps at the moment. I have only starting truly talking about this in the past few days and I think I have been a little surprised by many of the responses I got on the Gamcare site, but then I would kind of expect that many people who reply are motivated too because they feel a strong opinion and want to express it. So forums are skewed that way. Anyway, I know that for now it is best for me to sit tight and take time to inform myself, find a sounding board, reflect and decide what I can and can´t do. And I think it is very important that I figure out how to send my husband clear messages, even if they are just short emails read every few days or so. I think all the time I am just expecting someone to get in touch with me and tell me he is in prison again or that something terrible has happened as a result of his gambling, but that is all part of it. I need to learn how best to apply tough love too.

Anyway, I just want to say that your messages today have been really good to receive. I think I need to work on myself and how not to lose myself in someone else´s (my husband´s) problems and life, how to have healthy boundaries, etc. So much has happened in the past year and I am still reeling really from the year that he was in prison and all that happened with that and then the gambling addiction and its tough journey hit quickly afterwards! I will try to think hard on concrete things that communication on this site could help me with, and I would love to take part in the group on Thursday. Great to know you are “there”!

[mermaid]

Actually, I started crying reading the comments on Gamcare. They seemed so emphatic about how could I be in such an abusive relationship, etc. It is so hard (impossible?) to separate the gambling from everything else and I see how it directly affects the behaviour of my husband, his moods, etc. I also see an essentially very kind-hearted very resilient person too. He has done terrible terrible things, but I think also if he were not my husband, if he were a good friend, I would want to help. Does that mean I sacrifice myself too much for others and focus more on them than on myself? I don´t know. I just would love to come through this together and I know he has no one else to turn to, even though he has to go through so much of this also himself and prove that he can do that for me to be able to support him. I have everyone around me…people on the forums, my family, friends…telling me I should leave him. This is also very hard. Anyway, I will try to think of more practical and specific ways that this site can help me in my current situation. And I am very grateful for it.

[mermaid]

Hi Velvet,
Thank you so much for your reply. It is very helpful and supportive. In recent weeks I have read and read about compulsive gambling and the experiences of others (perhaps too much and perhaps time to step back a little!) and just still trying to figure out so many things. In the past few days I posted on the F&F forum of Gamcare and got several responses and they pretty much all were saying…how crazy?! How can you be with this guy? All the things he is doing go beyond him being a cg. Think hard about why you would be in such a relationship. And then of course, the usual take care of you and look after yourself and give it time and the answers will come up by themselves when you have more peace in your life. I know he is up against a huge challenge and that I have to decide how much I am willing to support him and what I actually can do. He can´t use the internet very easily in Cuba….there is limited access and it is expensive and while I am not there he generally literally has zero money. He tries to find 50c for some email time (which doesn´t give website access) and so we have been communicating by short email. He has sold his mobile phone so we haven´t talked by phone in the past couple of weeks and that is not a good option as it is so expensive. So we have email communication and I tend to write him my thoughts that way at the moment. He would not want to use this website from Cuba as he would be worried that people would monitor his history. Also he speaks, but does not read or write English, and I noticed that the Spanish section was quite limited, no? So…although at the moment I have told my husband that I am sitting tight in Mexico and waiting to see what he does…how he goes…what concrete actions he takes (knowing the limited options) to tackle his addiction and change his life (and he keeps asking me when I am going back to Cuba and saying how he needs me, but I have to see him somehow changing first and for a length of time), and also just taking the time for me, to rest and recover some strength and to learn more about cg and be clearer what I want to do. I am struggling to find the balance between being supportive and giving him hope and at the same time applying tough love and some conditions (me not coming back, me looking for concrete changes that he makes, his effort for honesty between us)…this also because I am not clear what I want and how much more I can invest in what is so much his battle, but also one that he has never had anyone understand or be able to support in the past. And…no one in his family understands, no friends do…for them it is just bad behaviour that he just needs to stop…and he feels a lot of shame about it. His mother knows and has bailed him out throughout his life, to the best of her ability as she is poor, but also just reaches out to help him every time she feels he is suffering and in trouble after a gambling episode, but i became the default person to …manipulate to get money out of and bail out and to look to for support. I feel my husband has been very open about his gambling since he confessed to me a few months ago, but hates to communicate about it…hates to think about it too much (of course). He is from a very different machista culture…men don´t talk about stuff and he hates to talk about his difficult past – so it is very hard for him to reflect on his gambling history and the triggers. Anyway, this was a fast reply….shot off quickly..I am still really trying to think what I want to do in all this…I thought I wanted to support him and at the same time I know there are a lot of other issues besides the gambling…the life of gambling and a life on the street from the age of 12 so intertwined. I know for now he comes from a very needy place in the relationship. I know I need to sit back too and see what he does.
I would love to take part in the support group tomorrow, but don´t know how it works…how to make the box go green and join in as it says in the instructions on the page. And it would be great to talk by phone on the Helpline too.
Thank you..I will keep reflecting and learning! I am so glad to have found this site.

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