[KiwiMac]

Hello all, has been awhile since I logged in here. I was away without much internet access over new years, then got back and have been busy with work and study.

Am still gamble free, 8 weeks! It feels like longer as I feel very different to when I used to gamble. Am still going to GA meetings which help keep me on track. My head is a lot clearer without the gambling.

Best of luck to everyone out there struggling.

[KiwiMac]

you’re right Steev, It is a hard time of year for a lot of people. I’ve spent the last few Christmas’s alone by choice as there were family issues. I like your approach of making new Christmas memories in new places. Thank you for being a friend in my short time on this site. Look forward to chatting to you more in the new year.

[KiwiMac]

Today was my last day at work before the Christmas break, and we had some drinks at work, then went to a pub for another drink. This pub had a few slot machines which I saw but didn’t use. However they got the idea into my head that I could go somewhere else after I left my workmates and “just gamble a little bit”.

After I left my workmates, I walked into another pub by myself, walked past some people betting on racing and into the area where the slot machines were. I was debating myself the whole time, did I really want to do this? maybe it could be my last gamble for the year? Telling myself I would only spend a set amount and no more etc…

It was busy, and the area was small and cramped. I saw people who didn’t look happy, just a bit sad and desperate. I looked at both of the two slot machines that were available…I stood and looked at them. I knew that even if I won (even though it was more likely that I would lose) that there would be no joy in it. I then walked straight out again. Today, I am still gamble free.

As I walked out, I thought about what had changed. For one thing I am going to GA meetings, and I didn’t want to have to go back and admit that I had gambled. For another thing, I am counting the days I am GF and I didn’t want to lose my progress and start again. I think the most important reason that I walked out without gambling though, was because now that I have admitted to myself and others that I am a compulsive gambler, that it is a problem for me, it has stopped being a secret, and it has lost some of it’s power to be something I do for comfort or distraction or pleasure.

When I was thinking about gambling on the way there, I was thinking about how I used to feel when gambling and the pleasure I got from winning free games or features. But when I got there, looked at the machines, looked at the people who were in there…I only felt sadness. I realised that I have accepted the money I’ve lost is gone, and any attempts to win it back will just result in more money lost. I know I have to earn my money through hard work and patience.

I’ve never been so glad to walk away from slot machines. I like my life GF. I think part of what made me consider gambling was that I had been drinking a bit, and also because I saw the slot machines in the first pub. I need to reconsider my strategies for staying gamble free. To be honest I did not think that the first pub we went to would have machines so I was surprised by them being there. It reminded me that I need to stay vigilant against the compulsive gambling thoughts, because they sneak their way into my head.

For today, I am very glad to still be gamble free. Every day I make the choice to be gamble free is a win.

[KiwiMac]

that sounds scary being caught up in the protests Steev, I’m glad you’re okay and that the brick missed you! Good that you’ve got some work going on. I have a couple more days next week at work, then off for two and a half weeks which I am really looking forward to. Two weeks gamble free for me today…it feels good, and I am having less gambling thoughts which is a relief. Hopefully can catch up with you in chat sometime…it’s a bit difficult for me because of the time difference. 

[KiwiMac]

35 days gamble free is amazing, you can feel very proud of yourself. I try not to think about what I’ve lost, but think about how much I can earn in the future and how I won’t be losing that money by gambling, so I ***** all the money I earn now and in the future as a win.

[KiwiMac]

Great job! It is a busy time of year, but sometimes it’s good to have the distraction from thoughts of gambling. I am 9 days gamble free and tomorrow will be in double digits. Small progress but it feels good, and is something to keep building on.

[KiwiMac]

I really recommend the blocking software, as it means even if I want to gamble online (and there are still times I want to go back and chase my losses) I can’t, so it’s not mental torture trying to restrain myself, it’s just not an option. I use Gamban but I’m sure there are other ones out there. I’m gamble free 9 days now, and I don’t think I would have got that far without the blocking software to be honest. You can do this.

[KiwiMac]

That’s a great attitude you have Sean. It does feel good being gamble free. 11 days is fantastic! you’re almost at two weeks! I am 9 days gamble free. Have been to two GA meetings…do they have GA meetings where you live? I am finding them really helpful, to be around people who have the same problem. 

[KiwiMac]

Hi Jeff, good job on realising that your gambling has gotten out of control. I was in a similar place to you in terms of savings, and ran it down to less than half that from gambling. That’s when I came here a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t want to lose all my savings, but I knew I would keep going back to chase the loses unless I made a change and faced up to my compulsive gambling.

What’s working for me so far is to put barriers in place to stop me gambling. I have Gamban installed on my laptop and phone so that I can’t gamble online, and if I go anywhere near a pub with slot machines then I will only take a small amount of cash and no bank card. Hopefully you can self-exclude from the casino, that would be a good first step.

Thinking about the money you’ve lost is hard, and try to avoid doing that. For me, thinking about it made me want to go and try and win in back. Instead I try to think about the money I still have and how I would just lose that if I tried to win back anything. I figure my latest gambling losses were an expensive lesson to learn that I can’t control myself when gambling. And that knowledge will mean I won’t lose more money in the future, which I figure is an overall win.

Best of luck, reading other people’s stories helps.

[KiwiMac]

well done on one month gamble free! I am one week gamble free and hoping to keep building on that. I find life easier and also harder in ways being gamble free. Easier because I’m not on that rollercoaster of ups and downs, but harder because there isn’t the distraction or excitement of the rollercoaster.

[KiwiMac]

Thanks Sean for your comment, we do need to stay strong and stay committed to being GF.

I am one week gamble free today. I have gamban installed so online gambling is not an option. I can feel myself being a little tempted to go into a pub and play the slots. But I also want to be able to go to my GA meetings and be able to say honestly that I’m not gambling.

I also feel mentally clearer when I’m not gambling, or thinking about the next chance I have to gamble. I have bought a few nice things for myself, a new duvet cover and some nice towels. This helps me remember that I am worth spending my money on instead of throwing money away gambling.

[KiwiMac]

Thanks Steev and IDI…it was scary to go. As I kind of expected I was the only woman there, but the other guys were really good and I got on well and felt accepted. It gave me a lot to think about and made me feel less isolated, to meet other people out there in the real world.

Today I had moments where I missed the adrenaline from gambling. I think some of that was also because it was payday today and made me think again about my situation and how many mistakes I’ve made. I do feel resolute about not gambling again. One day at a time though.

I think I have to remember to have patience. Good things take time, and effort and taking things one step at a time. Time goes fast, and I’m looking forward to being able to ***** my GF days in weeks and months, and eventually years.

[KiwiMac]

You’ve done one of the hardest things already, which is admitting that you need help, and it’s obvious you want things to change. It’s not just the money losses I’ve found, but the shame of the addiction that is hard to deal with. But it’s an addiction that can grab a hold of anyone. Not everyone is strong enough to ask for help.

I highly recommend self excluding, it will help put your mind at ease. I installed ganban on my laptop and phone and it stops me from being able to gamble online, and it’s such a relief to me because it means it’s not even an option, even when I have urges.

[KiwiMac]

Went to my first GA meeting tonight. I was nervous but it was really good and I got a lot out of it. Hearing other people talk about their struggles and being able to relate and share a bit of my own story. And also hearing that some of these people who have been in the same place as me, have found some peace and been GF. I have a lot to think about, but will definitely keep going.

[KiwiMac]

I was having urges this morning…thinking that I could just gamble a little to try and recoup my losses. Thankfully I had installed ganban which meant I can’t access gambling online. The urges have passed now. I spent some time in group chat which also helped. I’ve now bought a subscription to ganban because I think I would have been tempted once the free trial period ran out.

I think I will do some reading about addictions today. It really is so tempting to think it’s simple – just stop. But it is hard work, the addiction is devious and turns my mind against me. I think cutting off the ability to gamble is key because otherwise it’s too easy to get sucked back in.

I am going to my first GA meeting tonight. It is a big step for me, I hope it goes well and isn’t too scary.

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