[gracephnx]

Thank you for your post, Larry. I read the article, and yes, in some ways anyway, I am still at the "abstinence" stage (except I do not believe I can remain gamble-free through will power – I’ve already long proved that’s not possible). I am operating on faith that recovery is possible at present, and leaning heavily on support (from GT) and barriers I’ve set up…just crawling from one minute to the next. Maybe this is withdrawal? gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Today has been very hard. I had the thoughts, the urges, despite all reason, there they were. I got as far as planning how I could get to the bank, drive out of town etc…then Fate intervened and I was offered an appt I have been waiting for. I take no pleasure today in my abstinence, as it was not of my doing, but resulting only from a chance appointment. God help me tomorrow.gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Vera, how did you get to be so wise? Re my grand-daughter, I am planning to go see her for breakfast on the weekend after her birthday (before she goes to her party), and I acknowledge what you say about trying to suck love from people. I don’t intend to do that, but it IS time I faced up to my grandmotherly responsbilities and built a better relationship with the children; this comes hard to me as I’m not good with kids and have to really work at relating to them. I have no-one to blame for my sons’ indifference but myself, as I have made little effort over the last few years.
Re being around people of my own age…yes, totally agree. I have thought many ***** about starting a book club or something, must act soon. Or maybe the local community college will offer a writing course this term? Or maybe I should bite the bullet and go do that Masters I have been thinking about for years? Or maybe go back to bridge lessons (though bridge players tend to be round 20 years older than me, but that’s ok).
And now, about today…hard, hard, hard. Realised I had access to the bank again, and HAD to go out for an appointment…began to plan to go to the club, then hey presto, remembered I had banned from everywhere within cooee. I could have gone to the bank, could have ditched work and driven out of town, but I DIDN’T! But oh boy I wanted to…but now the bank is closed I feel so grateful and happy. I want to hold on to this positive feeling. I can’t understand how I can still want to gamble when I know what I know about the scandalous exploitation of those machines and the absolute certainty of losing. (Actually I CAN understand it, but I can no longer accept it).
So here I am, celebrating my successes for today and feeling SO GRATEFUL. I worked, and I negotiated a reasonable deal for some more work this month. I have an idea for a blog article, and I have ordered new business cards for my practice. Yeah! thank you Higher Power, and thank you wonderful people here. (I am so humbled, such courage, such pain and such amazing journeys, and stories of tenacity and grim determination to try again, try again and keep on going… sending more love to you all than you can know).gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Hi lovely people, and happy new year. I am still ok, no access to money, but scared about tomorrow when the banks open again…but so lonely…I know I have to make the move outside the house but at least if I don’t go out of hte gate I can’t gamble. One day at a time…gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Hi Caron, thanks for posting on my thread. I have just finished reading your journey – well done on seeing the lesson and the positive in things, and also on recognizing and working through the urges. Your posts are helpful and encouraging to others too! Those machines are a scam, and they are specifically designed to sneak in under our defences like thieves in the night. Pfft I say!gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Another day down, another few hundred dollars further away from potential homelessness. Yesterday was challenging, but I survived, in no small part by turning to this site and reading, reading and talking. Thanks Bettie and Salina, I hope to speak to you again soon. We are a community here, and I am grateful to be a part of it. Caron, thank you for your support, I hope to catch up with you soon too. Just for today, I will be thoughtful, and I will not gamble.gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Way to go Vera, this moment is pure and new. Old moments are gone, and who know what future moments will hold. Freedom, hope and gratitude to you too!gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Hi Hope, I’ve just read your whole thread (this one) and girl, I am so wishing you positive thoughts and strength and wisdom. When I read your thread, it was like reading my own mind – we are going this journey together, my soon-to-be friend…and I see, like me, you are spring cleaning. Maybe we can sweep the cobwebs out of our hearts and minds, and vacuum up all the detritus left in our heads as well! And like the house, maybe we can’t do it all in one day, as it is exhausting, distressing, and very messy along the way. Happy new year.gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Today has been a bit of a struggle. I have been alone all day, and had I had access to money I would have gone to a club, no matter how far, just to have somewhere to be where there were other people. I made a pact with myself that I could do anything I wanted as long as I didn’t gamble, but found I didn’t really want to do anything much. So I have been knitting a teddy for a friend’s child. I rang my kids to say happy new year and they were fine, though I know they are just being kind and wanted to get off the phone and back to their lives. And that’s ok. No daughters and no sisters means limited family intimacy I guess; or maybe I am making excuses, as I haven’t made much effort to insist on being involved in my grandchildren’s lives so far (too busy elsewhere of course). It’s my 5 y o grand-daughter’s birthday in 10 days, and I’ve been told that I’m not to come to the birthday party as it’s "not a family thing", and the outing to the zoo would be too hard to organise for me to come too. Ah well. If you are reading this Vera, your words about the challenges of reconnecting (see above posts) are really ringing true. But at least it’s not that I am undesirable as such, just irrelevant to their nuclear family. So I have work to do.
Hi Hope, my thoughts are with you today too. Thank you for your good wishes and encouragement.
 gracephnx

[gracephnx]

And there goes another day! Yeah!!!! I worked all day today and am so tired I can barely type. But I got through. I am anticipating reality dawning any day.gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Hey bettie! I am surely feeling the power of support around me at the moment. I am looking forward to talking to you, vera and shoop in the future.
I have survived another day! I can’t say it was easy, the thoughts came so many *****. I am sick with a virus, and (typically) when I am too sick to do anything else, I have often gone to the club to take my mind off my lethargy and avoid being alone. I’ve paid all the bills today, and done some shopping (took my two dogs with me so I couldn’t take a detour). I am working in a casual job tomorrow, and am suddenly very grateful for the work. I have been applying for jobs I thought would be easy to get, only to find I am not even getting to interview. This has come as a shock, as I haven’t had to work hard to get a job in the past. I wonder if its my age?gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Thank you for your wonderful words of support, and Bettie, I’ve just done what you suggested! I got up at 6am and paid bills until I had just enough money left for some food and fuel for the week! I feel good about it, and quite a bit relieved as well. There is of course a niggling fear that I could blow this few bucks and end up with no food, but one day at a time, eh? I have found some casual work, so will have some income dribbling in for a while at least. My plan is to GET RID OF THE MONEY as soon as it arrives in my account. My mortgage hasn’t been paid in 18 months, so that, and the credit cards are about to get a boost (I hope). Bettie I’ve started reading your story on your thread – what a wonderful girl you are – lovely to have met you.
Colin, thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. I am planning to go to a meeting in the near future for GA. I don’t go to AA as I am not really a drinker, but I have a friend who does, who is providing me with some support at present. She says if it’s difficult to get to GA (which it is) I could go to AA as an alternative.
Micky – thanks for talking to me – I will look at your thread today. When I read in your post to me that you are starting to enjoy life again, I was reminded about what Larry said to me in his post (above) about "coming to" – and learning to live a normal life agin. This is what I am working towards. It sounds like the world is starting to open again for you, and three cheers for you!
 gracephnx

[gracephnx]

Today has passed and I am still here. There were thoughts, and a cheque came in for some money owed in wages. But it’s still there, in the bank. I am relieved to see 2 days passed. Thank you Larry for your wise, wise words. And you are right. Seeing your words on this thread do confirm there really is a power greater than me to help… I went to the chat room yesterday and spoke to some very fine women who were wonderfully supportive and compassionate, and I want to thank them too. Staying strong despite wavering in the breeze.
 gracephnx

[gracephnx]

It’s 12.40pm and I’m still here. My task this week is to reduce my access to some money which due about wednesday. I have a plan, and I have a friend I can call if I need, except I did and she isn’t home. Help Please! I’ve been to the GT chat room but no-one’s home (I feel a fit of "poor me" coming on and I deserve no-one’s sympathy, truly). There’s no GA meeting within cooee of me for days.
I DO believe that there is more to this universe than we know, and however it happens, so often prayers are answered. Are they answered even if there is a selfish, obsessed and angry part of you that wants you to go the club, drink yourself stupid and spend your very last $20 getting in the way of the prayers for strength, wisdom, and courage?
AHHHGGGRRRRgracephnx

[gracephnx]

Wow! The demon has been faced fair and square and you are still standing. Well done, K! And stay under that doona AS LONG AS YOU LIKE!!!I hope you have a stash of chocolate bars there with you – a Galaxy Bar maybe??? After our choco discussion the other night I went shopping and bought a chocolate bar (mint crisp), and a packet of chocolate biscuits. So much for the diet. And can I say – of little importance though it is with all the big stuff happening around you, your encouragement to me to self-exclude has been a life-changing thing for me. It is a symbolic and public gesture and is already working its magic. Thanks, my friend!gracephnx

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