[jen3]

Hi! I am back another day one with tail between legs. I never really left this site. I try and keep up with some of your threads But very seldom do I post. I guess at times I feel like it is useless and I will never change. I remember at the beginning of this year I was bound and determined to make it a gamble free year. I think I made it shy of 90 days than the same old cycle repeats itself…. “I can play a little, I will be careful” followed by maybe win a little or loose a lot up all night till I have to go or no money left. Usually the second one. Come home and the next few days are followed by the racing thoughts, the tears, the shuffling money around, the questions why would I put myself through this yet again” The I am going to do whatever it takes with thoughts of doubts because of my almost comical track record. When will the light bulb go on and stay on??? I have more day ones than I can count. Hell I think I just went through this July 16th, the 17th being my day one. A little over 2 weeks and I forgot what I just went through, not to mention the time before that and the time before that, on and on and on. I remember being active on this site in 2009. It’s ten years later and here I am with another day one. I know I am not alone and a handful of us have been around this site for over a decade wether we disappear and come back. I guess I can say at least we keep trying. I have read books, saw shrinks, came here, did the GA, the CR, pleaded with God to take it away blah, blah, blah. What will I do different?? It’s easy stoping. It’s staying stoped that’s difficult. Sorry for the long post. I am back and this time I am here to stay. I might bore some of you to death But I am updating my progress daily. I know it will take more than this site but at least I will remind myself of where I am and where I do not want to be.

[lizbeth4]

Not gambling isn’t easy but I know that you are not a giver upper!!!! I don’t know the answers either. I’ve tried it all but this time recovery feels different. I feel different! I think that having my Granddaughter with me has changed my views on gambling. Anyways, don’t ever, ever give up on yourself. You are worth a gamble free life!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen – yes I’m one of the “ten year-ers”.
I have just got a place for a short residential – is that something you would or could consider?
Your post above describes exactly where I’m at .

We can both do this !

[jen3]

Hi IDI! Yup unfortunately we been riding the same roller coaster for too long.  I always wanted to try residential. Proplem is its not an option In the states. I am so happy for you. I will be praying that you get what you need. 

[kin]

Your day one is no difference for some one not gambling for a long period. They still need to stop gambling “today.” Every day is day one for me.

[jen3]

Sorry Kin but I disagree.  It’s day 2 for me and it’s better than day one. (Kind of day 3 but since I left the casino after midnight Sunday, I made Tuesday day one.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen
What do u know I have completed day one !
We are on track.
I think Kin means one day at a time which I find too demotivating – it kinda makes me think I can do day one anytime! What’s the difference between today and tomorrow being day one ?
So like you the days building up do ***** for me.
Keep going and do whatever works for you!

[Icanthecanlethim]

Hi all,

I really believe that attending regular GA meetings and following the 12 Step Recovery Program one can abstain from Gambling and live a happy normal life.

I am attempting as many meetings a week as possible this time around. Tomorrow will be three meetings in a row. ‘Meetings Make it!’

[Meghna83]

I also agree that everyday is not day one. I feel that I have fewer gambling thoughts now than my day one and the reason is that I have not fed the habit for a while, though a short while.

if we stop feeding the habit, it does get easier as we develop new healthier habits 

[Meghna83]

Reading your post really bought back memories of my own. The shuffling about money whilst asking myself “why did you do this to yourself again!”

This site definitely helps me, I log on everyday, usually, and read others’ posts. It’s a constant reminder for me of what I am not missing. What the consequences are if I choose to gamble again. Most importantly what others are doing to keep gamble free. 

I always c o u n t each day and thank god he switched something on inside my head to enable me to say no more. I still had enough money in my a c c o u n t  to continue gambling but I knew I would lose it all at the rate I was going.

Good luck and please do share each day you pass GF on here

[jen3]

Day 3. Not much to say today. Just hoping to watch the days add up. Going back to CR tonight. I know I have to stay active in recovery or eventually I will be back at day one and I hope to NEVER go their again.

[Meghna83]

They will add up and we are here for you to help you along the way. 

You can and  will be rid of it 

[jen3]

Thanks Meghan! It’s pretty scary when I look at my track record. I have been struggling with this crap for 30 years. The most clean time I have had was for 9 months over 12 years ago. Been on this site on and off for over 10. I am praying this is the time. I never want to come back here with my tail between my legs again.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen
Just keep going – everyday the urges get weaker and everyday we get a little richer (or at least our debt doesn’t get worse .
I cannot believe that I am back to avoiding phone calls.

Keep strong

[jen3]

I do not struggle with urges after the “hurricane” I guess I am a pattern gambler. (Something like that) every 30-60 days or so my brain does not remember the chaos Gambling causes an off I go and repeat the same costly cycle. Hopefully this time is different and I can stay ahead of any relapse if that makes any sense.

[charles]

Ok, so what barriers can you put in place now, while you don’t want to gamble, so that when those “I can play a little, I will be careful” thoughts return you will be less able to act on them?

[jen3]

I agree I need more barriers. I am banned from local casino but snuck in and the relapses before that were when I was out of town for work. I have to figure out how to have no access to extra money.. always been hard to figure that out.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen
Yes this is difficult. I usually gamble online so cash is actually safer for me . I have been trying to think how we can have money on us for those little emergencies and of course treats And not be tempted . And I have drawn a blank .
Perhaps others ladies who’ have managed this could advise .

[Icanthecanlethim]

Hi all,

Instead of carrying cash I carry a LOAD and GO Card and swipe (Pay pass) to pay for things under $100. My wife has the pin so I can’t do anything else with it. The same could apply for a ATM Card- ie you make sure that you don’t know your pin and just swipe (Pay pass) to pay for things. This easy you don’t need cash to pay for things as long as they are under $100.

This works well for me and other GA Members

[jen3]

Day 4. Really does not mean much being the early days but as I mentioned i want to watch the days add up and never have to start over. Thanks for the advise Ican. I think I will get rid of my atm card altogether and just use cash. Small amount of course. The only thing that sucks is that is so easy to replace. Walk into my bank and they give me one. I have to make impossible to get my hands on more than what I need. Still not exactly sure what/how.

[jen3]

Day 5. It’s only 12:30 in the morning here. I fell asleep early and now I am wide awake. I hope I can fall back asleep soon because I have a long day ahead of me. Another fair day with family. Fair is in town for 11 days. Wraps up this weekend. We live within walking distance and go several times throughout. Lots of people watching, drinking, eating listening to different bands etc. We blow through a ton of money this time of year but at least I have fun doing it, not like gambling. It has Not been fun in many, many years as if it ever really was. It’s like paying an enormous amount of money to put myself through days of hell. Crazy! Just plain Crazy! Hopefully those days are behind me and better days are ahead.

[Gbabyh]

And that you usually fall off the wagon after your brain has forgotten about the last fallout of gambling. This is something I can very much relate to. I tend to follow a pattern as well. Whether that pattern takes 2 months, 6 months or a year to repeat itself is hard to predict but usually, it will repeat itself eventually. So I say based upon my past experiences. I used the early steps of the 12-step program to analyze myself and figure out this pattern. I found that I gamble when I feel bad about myself, when I’m stressed about school, when I value money too much, when life has become stale and I’m bored. Generally when I feel life is giving me a too hard of a time. These are things I’m pretty sure I knew already before my analysis, but I think it raised my awareness to a further level and it made my thinking less cluttered and more organized. Because I wrote all of these things down I could very easily begin to understand why each of my problems occurred, and then figure out a solution for each of them. A lot of the problems are connected, but somehow I found that there is at least one thing I could do to decrease the likelihood of those problems growing so big that they would lead me to gamble. For example:

I feel bad about myself
– Take care of my body and my mind. The way to do this and to what extent is different for everybody. I like to exercise in the morning and I try to think of food as fuel rather than pleasure, which helps me to be aware of what I’m eating.

I’m stressed about school
– Usually comes from expectations of my academic performance. I realized that my self-created expectations are based upon what I think my family, friends, and society expects of me, rather than what I actually want to achieve for myself, silly… So I try to remind myself that everyone walks their own path and that I shouldn’t care about others expectations, only my own. This is a lot less stressful for me when I manage to do it.

I value money too much
– This is apparent when I let the amount of money I have determine my happiness. Sometimes I thought “if I have X amount then I’ll be happy” or “if I fall below this amount then I’m unhappy”. This has previously lead me to believe that gambling could lead me to a quick influx of money, or an unexpected bill has made me so unhappy that I needed the money back somehow (obviously by gambling). Today, I try to not worry about money. I don’t rely on materialistic things to make me happy, I try not to pay attention to money after my bills have been paid (including my monthly debt payments).

Life is stale and I’m bored
– Due to my last 10 years of gambling, I think part of me has become used to live life in a state of panic and constant crisis. When gambling I’m in this state, and when I’m dealing with the immediate fallout I’m in this state. And when everything is not on fire and I can finally rest a moment in life, I’m not used to that, I’m in new territory and I’m not sure what to do of myself and with my time. This usually leads me to boredom and, perhaps even unconsciously, towards old behavior patterns that enables the compulsive gambler back in my life. I try to remind myself of this fact through rigorous reflection and self-awareness. Now this can be done in so many different ways, and at the moment I’m going to weekly GA meetings where I took over the keys to open the meeting location and brew the coffee so it’s ready for the meeting (this gives me more commitment and forces me to come to meetings). I visit this website and read journals and update my own once in a while. On Sunday I’m gonna take up meditation which I will be trying out with my GA group before our Sunday-meeting. I also listen to a gambling podcast on Youtube which has 56 episodes, but the point is that many things can be done, and I’m just experimented to see what works for me.

This is just my approach to how I try to stay gambling free, this is by no means me telling you how to do it and that this is the only way, but maybe this sparks some ideas or motivation in you, which can help you in your recovery.

No doubt about it, my self-help work has limitations in regards to stop my gambling, since it’s a work in progress, and when it fails I rely heavily on my barriers. So I try to add as many as I can. Recently I added Bet Blocker (I’m an online gambler) and I came clean to my friends about my compulsive gambling, which makes it harder to return to gambling in so many ways.

Anyways, rant over – Jen I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, stay aware!

– Chris

[jen3]

Thanks Gbaybh! Very insightful post. I can relate to much of what you said. I do exercise and eat right, well for the most part I do. If you were around me this week with the Fair here you would beg to differ on the Eat right part. 🙂 🙂 I know that was not your point but I like to amuse myself at times. I am way past the school part. I graduated from college in 1995. When I look back I was introduced to gambling as a kid but it did not start getting out of control until my late college days. I remember sitting at the dog tracks while studying for exams. Yikes!! Back than I gambled a lot and did so for many years. (Casino, Card’s, tracks, sports bets, bar machines you name it) Around 2000 it was mostly casino on almost a daily basis (4-5 days a week). I am getting off track but I always set high expectations on myself as to please my parents and everyone else. That behavior definitely contributed to gambling because I never wanted to fail so I continued gambling to cover my tracks if that makes any sense. Anyways years later I am able to not gamble for stretch’s at a time but now all the damage this addiction has caused , it has turned me into a pattern gambler. This time I am trying to take every action I can to stay aware and in front of any relapse. I know GA works for many people and as you mentioned we need to do what works for us. Personally I do not care for GA. I have tried it numerous times throughout the years. I do like CR but that’s my problem I never stick to anything because my addicted brain sometimes thinks I do not need any kind of meetings. Well I know that I need to again “stay ahead of my addiction”’so I am going to several meetings this week 2 being CR and 2 being smart recovery. (Never tried smart but going to test the waters) When I feel better which I already do I am going to keep going. I will continue to post and most importantly for me I am going to talk to the best Counslor on a daily basis. For me that is God. I have yet to figure out my triggers but I do believe when life is going good I tend to self destruct.

[jen3]

Day 6. Not feeling too good today.

[kin]

“I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet” ― Helen Keller

If you want to feel rich, just c.o.u.n.t. all the things you have that money can’t buy.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen , I hope you are feeling better . You sound so like me – I get so far, life is picking up, finances are a little better , I start to look forward and plan … and then I self destruct .

Now that I am one day four I feel I have it sussed and maybe I don’t need the residential place. It’s the way my brain works – I am thinking of several reason why I shouldn’t go , but like yourself , I have been on this merry- go- round so often that I know it is the addiction trying to deceive me.

Really well done on your determination to ge to meeting . They can’t do any harm and maybe they will do a lot of good .

Keep strong , keep battling my friend xx

[jen3]

Day 7.. a week ago I Left the casino around 3:00 in the morning with tail between my legs and 1800.00 poorer. Tried sleeping and slept for an hour or two on and off only to wake up and work in between shuffling money around to get me through the days. At first I was going to get more money so I could try and “get my money back and than quit”. I was able to talk my self out of it. I thought about my history and knew one or two things would happen. I would get my money back only to encourage me to keep gambling and eventually loose that and more or I would just loose even more than the original 1800. Anyways it’s a week later I am over the loss and bound and determined to do things different so this addiction does not have an opportunity to choke the life out of me again. Enough is enough. I feel much better than I did this time last Monday but I would like to keep it that way. Looking forward to what week two has to bring without gambling. I know it will not be hard for me and I will easily be able to brush of any urges it’s month 2,3,4 that scare me. No sense worrying about days ahead BUT I have to stay focused so history does not repeat itself. IDI I hope you are keeping your eye on the prize as well. We need to stay focused and be grateful for what we already have and not let our addicted brains fool us into thinking we want and need more or we will just continue to sabotage the “good things” life has to offer.

[lizbeth4]

It’s hard to not repeat the cycle of gambling! Can you implement anything new to help you?? I basically just got tired of the aftermath feelings. I really hope that you can remain gamble free! Life is so much more satisfying and good without the gambling. Take care.

[jen3]

Thanks for your post Liz&Rg .. Day 1 of week 2 is almost over. I am with you Liz… I have been so tired of the after math but something happens in my addicted brain that after time goes by it tells me “it will be different”. I only remember good times. (As if there ever was any) I am trying to figure out a way to not be able to get my hands on money so easily so that when/if the time comes It will prevent the inevitable. Still have not figured that out. I do pay double car payments and I give my “other 1/2” extra money to hold onto but still manage to find money. This site is pretty quite, not like the “old days” but I intend to update daily, regardless of anyone reads my posts or not. Hoping that it keeps me moving in the right direction.

[jen3]

Day 10.

[jen3]

Day 11. (Technically day 12 started at 3:00 am) Thoughts come and go. I just have to train my brain to understand Gambling is just not an option for me. There is no such thing as only playing a little, only spending x amount of money etc etc. I have to train my brain to reflect on the chaos gambling causes. I have to look forward to a gambling free future. At times it seems impossible at other times it’s comical as it should be a really an easy decision “suffer more or suffer no more”. Last night I booked our yearly Spring trip to Mexico. I usually wait till after the holidays to book But found a really good deal that we could not pass. It made me sick to think that between my last two “relapses” I blew what would have paid for this trip twice. I will drive across town to save 2.00 but not think twice about feeding a machine, or table game etc hundreds even thousands of dollars. Uggh!! I hate to even think about it. I have said it before and failed but I will say it again. I NEVER want to experience another gambling hangover as long as I live. I see my direct deposit hit my bank. I will be making double car payment etc. I am not worried about blowing this check BUT i have to get something in place for the next time I get paid (end of month) so history does not repeat itself. Still no clue how to make it hard to get my hands on money. I was given some good ideas however none of them will work. Any other ideas please share. As they say “onward and upward.”

[Austin123]

Hi Jen

I have just cried reading your entire thread because I saw myself in you. I have also been gambling for so many many years, i cried, i hated God..on many occasions i will be the only person on the road around 03:00 in the morning. Reading your stories just brought that overwhelming feelings.

Well done for another try..one drop of water fills a bucket. Keep it up!

[jen3]

Day 12.. Thanks Austin. I am so glad that I am not alone. I am also glad you are doing well. I love the quote “it takes one drop to fill a bucket”. I went back to CR last night. I almost did not go. I forced myself and I was glad I did. Ran into another CG. She had 10 months free of gambling and than relapsed. I am so proud and envious of her gambling free time yet my heart breaks that she relapsed And has to start again. I know, I know she should be proud of the time and good for her for getting right back up. What scares me is how easily this addiction can suck us in… trying to only worry about today but regardless of what anyone else thinks for those of us who have struggled to stay g free we need to always be on guard. I hope more than ever that this is my last day 12 and the days keep adding up.

[hambone]

Jen,

I am in the same boat as you. I’ve been gamble free about 3 months after almost destroying myself and family financially. What’s worked for me is scheduling ALL my bills to hit the same day as my direct deposit. I’ve got a spreadsheet with every paycheck and bill for the next 3 months. I have about $2100 extra every paycheck (working 2 jobs, 1 exclusively paying off debt I took on) and I have $2000 principal payments scheduled for my car already. Last year I got a bonus at work and took the $15k and told my wife I was paying off our car, but used it to gamble and catch up on loan payments I was falling behind on. Now, she got a new job and wants to trade in the van she thinks we own for a new car. So, I’ am paying $2000 extra twice a month and it will be paid off in about 8 weeks, then at least that lie will be fixed.

Anyways, my point is, find something else to do with your money. Exclude yourself. Close accounts Make it impossible to gamble, or as inconvenient as you can. Schedule bills. Put your money in an account you dont have access to. Open a checking account at a bank that isn’t in your city, cut the debit card up and stash your money there so you CANT access it impulsively.

As CG we’re very resourceful when it comes to gambling, we need to be as resourceful when helping ourselves.

[jen3]

Thanks Hambone. I do give extra cash to my other half to hold on and not give back under any circumstances. If only he knew how much it should be. Anyways Great idea opening a bank in another city and cutting up card! I am good now but I know the ugly monster will eventually show up , as it always does. This time I want to be ready.

[jen3]

Day 13. The last few nights I go to bed somewhat early than wake up around 2:00 am and I am wide awake for several hours. Uggh so frustrating. Not too many thoughts of gambling but they do come here and there. I just try and think about all the years of chaos and know it’s not an option. Funny how when one makes up their mind to work hard at recovery they noticed they are surrounded by temptation. Example go in gas station their are lotto tickets, machines, etc. turn on tv and their is a commercial, turn on the radio and another commercial, log into Facebook and see a post of people at a casino, or a pic of winning machine, or pic or winning pull tab. Blah blah blah. All these things make gambling look so fun and exciting. Where are all the posts and pic of all the misery gambling really brings to so many. I have a hard time believing the people on this site and in other recovery groups are the minority. I know that’s far from the truth. Anyways I try to immediately scroll past or turn my thoughts off and remember gambling for what it does for me. Absolutely NOTHING!!! Thr minute I walk into a casino I might as well be prepared to walk straight into hell because no matter how it starts it always ends in tears. Here’s to another g free day. 

[kin]

Hi Jen

When I feel the disadvantages of stopping gambling and what gambling can do for me. These are warning and danger signs!!! They promote gambling in us and keep us addicted. They are a powerful relapse trigger!

I need to attack these lies to counter the ideas and Re-Focus to bring in other thoughts that are consistent with our recovery, values, and freedom from addiction.

We need a written list to help us remember what gambling can do to us and what are the advantage of stopping gambling.

We cannot control ourselves not to have certain thoughts or feelings but we can learn how to recognize those thoughts that are actually driving our urges and how we can refuse to go along with them. We can learn to DISARM them.

Smart Recovery – Disarm

D – Destructive

I – Images &

S – Self-talk

A – Awareness &

R – Refusal

M – Method

I read about them last week, hope you find these information useful.

[jen3]

Thanks Kin! You seem to be getting a lot from Smart Recovery. I have been meaning to get to a meeting and check it out for myself. I am back to a couple CR meetings but can not hurt to throw one more in the mix. Day 14…. I know it does not mean much as it’s easy to stop gambling it’s staying stoped that is hard. I pray that the days keep adding up because I do not want to experience another day one.

[jen3]

Day one week 3.

[jen3]

Day 16. Kind of depressed the past few days. I experience much empathy when others are doing well and than relapse. It drains me because I can feel their pain and I their is nothing I can say or do to help ease it. At the same time it scares me and reminds me of where I never want to be again. I do not want to be in that place again but with time my addicted brain might so I have to be prepared for anything. God please give me continued strength.

[vera]

Jen,
I dragged myself to the 2 am group, to look for you.Saw your name but you weren’t there.
Met another member.
I guess we meet the person we are meant to meet.
More later.
I’m wrecked.

[jen3]

Day 17. Can’t wait till these day posts are in triple digits. Soon enough. I refuse to let this addiction take me down anymore!

[jen3]

To all you”believers” who are struggling. Stop trying to figure out everything by yourself. Stop relying on will power alone. Ask God for his guidance. Remember our debt was already paid a long time ago. “All things are possible through Jesus Christ who strengthens me.”

[lizbeth4]

Hang in there! I know that temptation is everywhere around us. I still get gambling urges and thoughts but I work through them. Just the thought of the aftermath feelings is keeping the gambling at bay! Envision how your life will look 2, 6, 12 months from now without the gambling!! I know it’s hard but you can do this!

[jen3]

Thanks Liz! Nice to hear from you. I am so happy for you. I have so much hope because of you. Keep going strong my friend!

[jen3]

Day 18. What a depressing week. A friend I went to high school with passed at 46. Diagnosed with brain cancer a few months ago. A family friend is now in at home hospice with bladder cancer. She is 83 but still sharp as all hell. I confided in her about with my gambling issues over the years. Very supportive and non judgmental, Than just last night found out another Great soul took his own life. He lost his wife a few years back and I believe he just could not do life without her anymore. All so heart breaking. Today I reflect on how precious life is and how good I have it . Yes I feel bad knowing how short life is and reflect on how much time I have wasted gambling. I also forgive my self because I know I have a disease. I am a work in progress and doing what it takes to keep my disease in check! I thank God for 18 days of no gambling and today no desire. Life is precious! Life is short! I intend to make the best of whatever days, months or years I have left. I believe life is a gift from God and what we do with it is our gift back to him. Today I choose to be the best possible version of me.

[Meghna83]

A fab message Jen, we are here with you on that journeY. g will no longer be s part of us 

[MurrS7]

this one got me emotional . I read through your whole thread

and broke into tears. I don’t want to gamble anymore

and it hurts so bad reading your posts but also

strengthens me to stop this evil disease. I really like

when you said you forgive yourself becuase you know

this is a disease, my mom dad and sister told me that the other night when I broke down. They said it’s ok, you need pro help becayse

you cant beat this yourself. I know we will beat it. And I can’t wait till we do. Thank you for posting Jen. I pray for you 

[jen3]

Thanks Meg & Murr. You two have no idea how much your posts encourage me to keep moving in the right direction. Meg you are doing great!! and Murr you had a slip. I know it was a rough one but do not let it take away the days you did not gamble. I am so glad that you came clean with your family and are back on the right track. Let’s all stick together & pray for each other. We got this!! I just know we do.

[Meghna83]

We’re always here to listen. Have faith, believe that you can always make the right choice and that is no to G.

[jen3]

Day 19.

[vera]

Well done on living a gamble free 19 days, Jen.
Think of how awful you would feel hearing about your friends’ passing and illnesses.
The sad part is , we don’t give a toss about others when we are “in the throes”.
Time is far more precious than money.
All the money in the world won’t buy an extra hour.
Keeping that in mind, one this my Day One, I once again ( for the thousandth time), reiterate my vow
“Just for today, I will not gamble”
GOD GIVE US THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS WE CANNOT CHANGE…

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen
I saw your name in group last night but we didn’t seem able to connect.
Well done on your gamble free time .
Keep doing what’s working for you
Xx

[jen3]

Day 20. I can’t sleep. Wide awake since 3:40 am. Had this problem a week or so ago for several nights in a row. Oh well lack of sleep still feels so much better when it’s not due to being in a casino all night.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen
Thank you for your post on my thread .
Lack of sleep is horrible but so much better when you are not full of shame and completely broke.
A few posts ago you describe some losses – I notice some old school mates or some of the people I knew in my twenties are starting to fade away. It does really make you realise that we have to make the most of everyday and be the best we can be .
Thank you for your continued support – you are a good friend on here !

[jen3]

Day 21.

[i-did-it]

Happy 21st!
Keep strong !

[jen3]

Thanks for your support IDI. It’s still the early days for me as years ago I was a regular at the casino but ever since my son came into this world 13 years ago I became more of a binge gambler. None the less I am tired of the chaos gambling brings. It offers absolutely nothing positive. Day one of week 4.

[i-did-it]

Brill Jen – it offers nothing except pain, shame and misery !
Xx

[Meghna83]

Well done Jen. Almost four weeks gf is an achievement

well done

[kin]

Thank you for posting on my thread. I hear you well.

We can all learn to enjoy life and recovery.

I remember hearing a speaker talk about city people buying expensive condominium and getting themselves into debt, stress and having to work a lifetime to repay that loan like a slave.

He return to his village and start building mud/clay/brick/straw houses. Today he has no debt but has many houses, he jokes that he need to decide everyday where he would stay for the night.

He enjoy the freedom, peace, joy and beauty that mother nature has given him.

He was a graduate just like those city people but choose to wear donated clothes and plant his own food.

He is self sufficient and even have enough food to give away.

[jen3]

Day 23

“Money that comes easily disappears quickly, but money that is gathered little by little will grow”. Proverbs 13:11

This holds true… How many of us have won money only to blow it right back and than end up on the chase. I am going to guess each and everyone here.

[kin]

“Money that comes easily disappears quickly, but money that is gathered little by little will grow”. Proverbs 13:11

[MurrS7]

That’s huge. I was around 70 when I relapsed and coming up to the 30 days one month mark was a big milestone because That’s about the time my mind started accepting things. Keep going! Soon that will be 230 days, then 2300 days. I like that quote about the fast money. I’ve always looked For the get rich quick scheme. That next big jackpot or win That never worked out. But when I work hard and save I’m good at it. The chase is what killed me. My little -3000 in May turned into a -24k chase. Crazy to think, I was just tryinto break even. I didn’t even enjoy playing. What a mess. I’m here for you and always rooting for you to continue There days gamble free with the support from everyone and The higher powers. You got this, we got this. God bless

[Austin123]

Hi Jen

Great job, you are doing really well. Keep it up girl!

The is so true about quick cash..it disappears so quckly on useless things most of the time..and then one has to go back to casino to try and get it back…i mean this is so silly!

[jen3]

It is silly Austin! I can not tell you how many times I wanted to just play for a little while and maybe win a few hundred and than ended up loosing a few thousland and than lost several thousnad chasing the few.. and than after the money was gone I would have to scramble for only a few hundred.  Absolutely insane!!  Wasted so much time&energy repeating the same cycle.  Yup I live the definition of insanity ”repeating the same thing and expecting different results. Hopefully that cycle is over for good. 

[jen3]

Day 24
“If you quit now, you will end up right back where you first began, And where you first began you were desperate to be where you are right now. Keep going! “

[jen3]

Day 25….
You either end your addiction or it ends you. It’s that simple.

[i-did-it]

Great posts Jen.
Well done on your brilliant 25 days !

[jen3]

Day 26

[Taz32]

Well done keep it going jen, it will get easier as the time goes by.

[jen3]

Thanks Taz. Actually It has been pretty easy this time around but it’s still the early days. Day 28.

[jen3]

Day 29

[jen3]

Day 30. Busy long weekend with the Harley Rally in town. It was fun but glad it’s over. Looking forward to starting my next 30 days tomorrow. I am determined to keep moving in the right direction. Life is certainly not perfect but so much easier than being stuck in the hell that gambling offers.

[jen3]

Day one of month two. Moving forward I will only update my weeks vs my days as not to annoy anyone although I post the days for myself and no one else. It does help me and we should all cling to what works for us.

[vera]

Well done on reaching month two, Jen.
I think of you every day but when I’m off the radar I feel like a fake, posting to people.
Update as you please. This is your journal, your recovery.
I will try to catch up and follow your example.
I’m a fool when it comes to gambling!

[MurrS7]

That two month mark is a huge accomplishment. Keep going gamble free . Keep these days sober from gambling and remember gambling gives us nothing but pain and misery and no funds in our bank acct. always thinking of
You in your recovery. I want us all to have a gamble
Free year. We can beat this!

[jen3]

Thank you Vera!  I think about you everyday as wells wether I am “feeding the monster” or fighting the good fight.  I know better than anyone what an evil beast this addiction is. When you are gamble free I pray God keeps it that way and when you are not I pray he delivers you/us from this addiction. Either way I think I less of you and just want the best for all of us.

[jen3]

Thanks Murr!! I have to remind myself daily that if I stick my toe in the water I will get sucked under.

[vera]

…..applies to “CGs”
“He who loves the danger, perishes therein”!

[Berta24449787]

If you have an account with the bank that is not accessible by bank card then you should be safe. I had one and then a mistake made it accessible and well you all know what happened. Report your credit cards missing – but not lost. Tell them to freeze them but not to send you a new one. That will buy you some time with the credit cards. If you have account ts that you use online then open an account that you have to use an  actual bank for and put some money in there. Hope it helps

[Berta24449787]

My issue lies in the simple fact that I am not very good at saying no to me. When I want something, I get it. Fortunately I never want too much so I have been able to stupendous in my eyes for quite a while. Then, gambling knocked on my door. I need to recognize that I have to learn to say no. Like Steev has pointed out, if you were allergic to gambling and it overtly caused you physical harm that followed by financial stress, you would avoid it. Be allergic to it. Recognize that each time you partake, it will cause damage. No more delusions. Reality check time.

[jen3]

Thanks Berta! Love it! “Be allergic to gambling” …… Very insightful post on Murrs thread! I always knew lost money was just a consequence of gambling just never tried to figure out why I do it. Only thing I can come up with is to self destruct but no clue why….

[jen3]

Day 33 . Went to CR last night. I actually accepted a 30 day chip. I usually never take them. I guess I always feel stupid knowing I have had several 30 day gf stretches. I took it this time in the hopes that it was the last 30 day chip I ever get. Been having a few gambling thoughts/urges the last few days. I try not to give them much ammunition by immediately thinking of all the chaos one small bet leads to. I just don’t want to put myself through it anymore. I really want to see what life has to offer with substantial g free time. I will never know if I keep reliving the same pattern. It’s so simple , we only have to do one thing “don’t gamble” at the same time so hard.

[jen3]

End of day 35…. The family friend who was in hospice finally went to be with the Lord yesterday. She will be missed but I am grateful that I had the chance to know her and I am comforted knowing she is in a better place. I remember a little over a year ago breaking down and telling her “my story” She listened without judgement. In some ways she could relate. Anyways I prayed today and asked God to tell her to watch over me. She knows I need all the help I can get. 🙂 I am heading out of town for work for a couple days this week. There will be a casino near by…. Last Thursday when I realized this ,, I immediately had thoughts of going when I am their. My thoughts were all over the place. “I can do this” I am not going to do that” “I will only bring so much money” UGGGH!! Than I got to thinking….. What good could possibly come of it?? I mean really??? Let’s see 1. I could win but than what??? 2. I could break even ,but that would be a waste of time. 3. The chase is on and back to square one. None of these sound good to me, not even the thought of winning because I know what it eventually leads to. I am over it and I have absolutely no plans to go BUT I made sure I will have no extra money Incase the crazy idea crosses my mind again. I have read most if not all of the threads here. I am grateful for all of you, wether you stoped gambling for days, months or years, you each have so much to offer. Thanks for the support! Here’s to another gamble free week!

[lizbeth4]

I’m sorry to hear about your friends passing. You are smart to limit the money that you take with you. BARRIERS, BARRIERS! You can do this!!! I am grateful for you.. You have been really supportive and brought me back when I was really feeling low. Take care and remember that you are worth a gamble free life!

[jen3]

Day 36…
Trust in me with all your heart and I will make your paths straight. Isaiah 26:4

[Berta24449787]

You’ve got the numbers and the right attitude. Keep strong

[Austin123]

Hi Jen

Sorry to hear about your family friend, may her soul rest in peace.

It feels so good to me to see your numbers climbing up, you have build a very solid base and keep it up. Easy really does it, hey.

Austin

[jen3]

Day 37 “The first step towards getting somewhere is deciding that you’re not going to stay where your at.” John Pierpont

If nothing changes, than nothing changes.

[MurrS7]

How are you doing !! Congrats on day 39 today. That’s huge. Always thinking of you and praying for your recovery of happy gamble free days. Onwards and upwards. Keep going!

[jen3]

Hi Murr! Thanks for checking in on me. I am doing ok. Super tired as I was working out of town the past few days and it was go go go. Plus my phone service sucked where I was working so was not able to get on internet unless I was in the room. What I will say is This addiction Sucks!!! I know for a fact I would of relapsed if I would of had more access to money. It is so hideous how we can be bound and determined to live gamble free one minute, day, week, month and than something in our brain switches and thinks it’s ok. (For me Anyways) Either way I am home and no time to gamble the next couple days so that’s a good thing. I get paid tomorrow and that money is going out just as fast as it comes in for when and if the desire strikes again. I will try and catch up on everyone’s thread over the weekend.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen ,
Just replying to your post on my thread.
It is very early days yet but here is where I am at today with regards to the residential programme.
It is the first time I have ever been able to speak openly about my gambling. I was able to speak openly with others who had the same struggles and who understood it . We laughed a lot at the crazy things we did in common. The intensity of the programme meant we switched off completely from actual gambling.

Today (can’t speak for the future ) I feel a freedom I have not had in a decade. I feel a sense of relaxation which is having a knock on effect on all around me. Family are choosing to sit and chat instead of hiding in their rooms.
I would recommend residential to anyone who is fed up of the roller coaster and the constant brain battles. I’m not sure how it has worked but somehow it has – I just need to make sure I take steps to maintain my recovery.
I fully intend to continue to use the tools I have learned and I am not going to consider that I will do anything other than continue in recovery.
If you have any other questions please ask .

[jen3]

Thanks for sharing IDI.

[MurrS7]

that’s good you didn’t gamble, you are on a great streak and just remember how it feels to start back at day 1, (9/10) after losing hard earned cash. Keep going! You will be able to fight those urges the longer you are gamble free.. it feels so great to live a life without betting and scrambling around for money to pay bills etc. I wish you well Jen, I pray 2020 is a gamble free year for both Of us.

god bless you 

[jen3]

F ME! Yup! Yet another day one starts tomorrow. I will never get it through my flipping head that gambling is a complete waste of time. I hate that I fed the monster. I have no clue how to stop the train wreck.

[lizbeth4]

Don’t give up! Keep posting. For myself, something finally clicked. It took many times of slipping. It will happen for you. Keep envisioning how your life will be, gamble free! I felt stuck for a long time. I know it’s a awful feeling. Make little goals and rewards for yourself. You’re not alone!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen
I’m sorry to read this.
Can you do anything to increase your barriers ?
I have realised that during moments of weakness I cannot do it on will power alone… and I guess everyone of us has those .

Have you tried the SMART online groups ? Sorry if I’m throwing lots of stuff at you – I am so willing you to be free of this horrible addiction.

Did you gamble in a casino ? Can you self ban? Throw everything at it Jen – take every precaution you think you need and then some more .
You can do this !
X

[jen3]

Thanks Liz and IDI! I feel like staying down BUT I am not going to , I am getting back up. What scares me Liz is “ that something clicked “ several times for me yet I keep ended up in the same place. I am afraid! Afraid I will never change. I fed the monster now I deal with the racing thoughts of getting my money back. At this moment no plans to do so as I left when I still had money but I should of never put myself in the position. I should not of had access to money. Still no clue how to do that. I can cut up bank card but so easy to walk in to bank and get a new one that same day. I wonder if I can have a direct deposit made from my account to “my other 1/2” on pay days. I will call bank today and find out. I know some might be thinking I should just have it go into his bank but e tried that years ago and it did not work. I imagine many of you think I am a lost cause. Can’t blame you. More barriers…. IDI I am banned from casino. I snuck in. My year is up but I am still technically banned. I hate that I toyed with this evil yet again. It s crazy how it all started. This should be so simple…. Yet it’s so damm hard. I do not want to live this way anymore. God give me strength.

[i-did-it]

It is really really hard Jen.
I think that’s a great idea about the direct debit .
You could also maybe reduce the daily withdrawal limit on your account as a damage limitation measure.

You have had a lot of free days so you know you are making progress. I guess it’s just finding that something to make those gamble free spells join up.

Keep working at it Jen – you are brave and resourceful .

A take away from the residential is that no matter how hard staying gamble free is – it is much easier than the way we have been living.
Keep strong Jen .

[lizbeth4]

I would never think that you are a lost cause! When this addiction gets it’s ugly claws in you, it’s hard to escape. Yes, put more barriers in place. I’ve been reading about smart recovery because of i-did-it’ s posts. I really think that maybe that would be something to look into. It couldn’t hurt. Right?
Keep trying. You are so worth it!

[MurrS7]

I really do, and honestly i want you to know you’ve helped me today.

i was just about to go gamble right now.., thought take some more money off my credit card and try roulette.: the game I used to win at. Then I remembered how much I’ve also lost at that, and that gambling is pure luck and pure evil, then I realized im down so damn much… what am I really going to get back today. I’ll likely lose anyways, have to start from day 1, and be more in debt. I came on your thread and it hurts me because this addiction really takes control of our minds into tricking us we can get back our money lost.. or maybe we just miss the rush. Me I am not working much now so my debt is just getting worse. I want you to know that you helped me not gamble today, even though you are starting at day 1, you really helped me not relapse and I want to thank you for that. This is such a mental battle, and look you made it to 40 days, meaning you can make it to 400, and 4000, and eventually a happy gamble free life. I pray for you Jen, I wish you well.. I’m always around to  chat if you get the urge.. please when you get the urge I find that. Re reading your thread.. makes you feel the horrible things gambling has done to us. It makes me sick to read my thRead from last year to today.. sick enough to not gamble? Sometimes apparently not.. god bless Jen. 

[MurrS7]

Here is a video I found, I keep watching it over and over again
Till it is engrained in my mind.

https://youtu.be/xerAIKN9xMM

[jen3]

Thanks Murr both for your words and the video. It’s just so nuts how we can be bound and determined to turn our lives around one minute and than our “hijacked brains” let us forget all the aftermath of our past gambling binges and crave the hell again. I am so glad you did not gamble. If we can just get some time behind us I believe it will get easier. God I hope so! I always have to stick my damm toe in the water. Sucks me in every time. Bought a lotto ticket, not my thing, won 50.00. Did not think anything of it. A day later I stick money in a machine at a bar, again not my thing. Won 150.00 and able to walk away. Well all these “not my things” put me right into motion. Next thing you know I am in a casino. Managed to get most my money back and leave. (Down around 200.00) Well you know how that goes… Head back the next day and the next. The 200.00 cost me ~2500.00, two half ass days of work, I am left with feeling like shit, racing thoughts, the works. I have been reading so much about this… Why in the heck after years and years of the same old story would we ever want anything to do with gambling????? We have to get our brains back and every-time we convince ourselves to gamble we are destroying what’s left of our “normal” mindset. We can do this Murr. Just keep taking the time to read, journal, etc or do what ever you have to do. Heck I will be 48 years in A few days. How much more of my life do I want to throw away?? I am afraid of failure and I am embarrassed to be back with my tail between my legs s BUT I refuse to give up just yet.

[MurrS7]

the typical chase. Been there so many times this year, which put me in this hole. Every time it gets worse, it’s funnt because I didn’t even know what chasing my losses was when I used to gamble. If i lost 500$, I would leave down 500$ I don’t know what made my brain think once that money I’ve came with is lost, go take out more ti try and get the initial money back.. it’s actually absurd to think about. I agree with everything you said that, we are doing so well, then all of a sudden the gambling thought actually beats our logic. I truly don’t get it but that’s why my counsellor is really trying to teach me about addiction and our brains. We can’t be so hard on ourselves because it’s us vs our brains .. we need to rewire them which is the most difficult thing . i can only pray we do stay gamble free. I can’t believe the casinos let us in after we self ban. This whole year I gambled I have banned myself 6 times over and over. I just wish the system was better at recognizing us, I’d be a lot less in debt and a lot more time gamble free. That Really gets me but I guess it’s us sneaking in that is the problem not actually the security:( hope ya feel better Jen and know you’re not alone. We can do this but we must really want it bad.

[jen3]

Tell me about it. Gone are the days when we can bring only so much money and when it’s gone, it’s gone.  (No pun Intended)  I USED to have so much disapline. Never played with money I did not have, never drank and gambled unless I was on vacation.  I was able to walk away up and or down and not dwell on it.  Not anymore.  I like you have banned myself Several times 5 (I think)  They only last for a year here and like an idiot I write a letter to get back in every year and than end up doing the same thing all over again. Keep going back till I can not take it anymore and than ban myself All over again. I always manage to stay away for awhile but than I end up going out of town making up for the gambling free time in a 2-3 day binge. (Boat loads of money) Than Iam able to stop that for a period of time and eventually find myself sneaking in to the local casino I am banned from (playing crap I hate because I have to hide out from certain areas where most people know me or I can not risk winning a jackpot)    I agree they should scan ids when entering a casino. The One 15 minutes from my house has grown so large (thanks to people like us) It’s pretty easy to sneak in And not get caught.  It should be a law world wide that ”those places” have to scan ids to make sure you are not banned, also anyone who bans themselves as many times as I have should be banned for life. Come on the Casino should know we have a serious problem. I would play at the tables for sometimes 36 hours only taking bathroom breaks.  I can only imagine what a dealer coming back for there next shift would think When they would see me sitting their wearing the same clothes And God forbid I leave to eat. Thetc bank on people such as ourselves, but as you know we are creative so no matter what they do it’s up to us to try the best we can not to support them.  As I write this I think “My God how much more of this can I take??”  My histoty makes me doubt myself.  The only thing I can think of what I did this last time around worked but it did not work enough so I have to do something different. If nothing changes than nothing changes.  A part of me wants to chase 1/2 the 2500.00 back BUT the other half knows the money is JUST gone and even if I got All of it back  I would eventually loose that and than some.  One way or the other I have to starve the monster. Sorry for the long post. 

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen
It’s horrible when we are stuck in the cycle .
Have you tried any of these sites

https://www.verywellmind.com/usa-local-problem-gambling-hotlines-22031

I think a good counsellor might help you. Perhaps you could find a charity which sponsors counselling.
You deserve to be free from this wicked addiction.

[jen3]

Thanks IDI, I already have help in place (smart recovery, cr and a Counslor which I got complacent and missed a few meetings BIG sign of about to relapse). They all suggest the same thing “get rid of access to money. I agree. It’s easy for me to go days, weeks, and occasionally months without gambling BUT “when the wolf comes calling” as you say I need to protect myself. I am several months ahead on paying bills (most of them) and even have some money saved that “my other half” holds on to and I never ask for it back. (It should be a heck of a lot more) I need someone to control my money or some option. Many here including yourself have great ideas BUT none of them seem to work in the states. They all say Barriers, Barriers and I lack the most important one. If I had no money it would be pretty hard to keep relapsing. For example I went out of town last week for work and made sure to pay extra money towards my car and only have enough for gas, food etc. because I knew there was a near by casino and If I did not do that I would of relapsed no doubt. Well than I come home and get paid a day later take money out give to “the other 1/2” and the next thing I know I postpone handing over all the money only to have cash to go fall on my face. In any case I can do well with the money part for 2, 3 paychecks and than it all goes to hell. Might as well save time and burn it.

[MurrS7]

one couple hundred dollar loss turns into 3 day binge of thousands Jen. I’ll never understand it. The only thing I can understand is I have gotten out of the hole before, that’s what makes my mind thing chasing is actually doable, because hey if I’ve done it before I can do it again? No? Nope, not this time, chased till I had 0$ left available. Inevitably I guess that’s what it takes to stop? Who knows, I’m all so confused about this addiction. How like you said, 10,20,30,100 days feeling great no gambling, one relapse can put you right back to a place you said you’d never go again. You’re not alone Jen, I feel all this that you’re feeling, and that’s why the pain gets me because I feel yours deeply. Don’t beat yourself up, please. i know it’s so hard and we become hopeless, but there will be a day we can look back on these posts and say we have beaten this. We just need to really take the steps. I know it sucks but when you try to sneak into the casino, go right up to the desk and tell them youre  banned. it will feel so good walking out of there with your hard earned money:( not hoping to hit big because you know we always lose, and if we win, we will lose what we won and then our own .. well thats was our own winnings too.. I’ve realized I’ll never get back what ive lost since. Was 18… so what’s the point.. I think we both need to realize that it is something we can’t get out of.. it’s so hard so accept. I havejt figured it out yet at all.. just when I thought I did, I relapse again. Praying for you Jen. You will beat this, I know you have it in you. Thinking of you during the hard times.. let’s  take it day by day. You are worth it. 

[MurrS7]

It really is so true …

“Another lesson: gratitude is the cure for greed. One cannot become consumed by greed when they are grateful for what they already have, or even just for being alive.”

[jen3]

Day 2….. makes me cringe to say/think day 2. My head is all over the place. There is only one thing I know for sure…. it’s not worth it and it will only cause chaos. With that being said why do I still want to???? I just hate this. What’s next??

[i-did-it]

Jen
Well done your gamble free time.
I guess our brain connections for gambling have been reinforced so often they are difficult to resist .
Perhaps this is where replacement activities would be useful – to build a new way of thinking .
Several sites have workbooks you can fill in and to help us think in a different way – I am currently doing one .
(Canadian and Australian sites are good for this ).

It might be worth a try.
Keep strong my friend .

[jen3]

Day 3. Last night I went back to CR even though I was not feeling up to it. I am so glad I did. I got so much out of it. Today I checked out a Smart recovery meeting. I doubt I will go back to this particular one but I will check out a different one on Monday. What I did not like about this one 1.) it was kind of far. 2.) It was a large group and I was the only one with a gambling issue (even though addictions are addictions ) 3. One “regular” who has been going for a long time…,… knew it all, he interrupted everyone with his feedback. He was sitting next to me, it took all my restraint not to “deck” him. Lol. In any case I am going to continue with my Thursday night CR and continue my search for other support groups until I find ones that are a good fit for me. There are a few other things I have to do to protect myself from when evil comes lurking. Never going to quit trying to quit!!

[i-did-it]

Yahoo Jen !
Well done !!
There was a fella like that at the GA I went to- I used to call him the controller ! Needless to say I didn’t feel like going back.
I tried SMART online which helped for a while – as I write this I realise I have tried almost everything!

Keep strong x

[MurrS7]

How are you doing? Thinking of you .
Hope all is well.

[Austin123]

Hi Jen I hope you are holding up ok and i just wanted to let you know than my thoughts are with you, pop in and say hi when you get a chance.

I appreciate the last comment you left on my thread, thank you.I hope you realize how much on an inspiration your progress was to me..and i think to many other people. Even if you start yet another day one tomorrow, when I am 1000 days..you will be on 868 days..wouldn’t that just be awesome.?

I hope to see you again…and keep well.

[Berta24449787]

O.K., so you need to have no access to money. Depending upon where you live, you can have your pay split and directed to accounts that you dont have card access to. The money you give your other 1/2 can be taken right away from your pay and deposited into his account. If you have a savings account you can have the money that is remaining deposited into that, and then you have to go to the bank and have the bills paid from there. The bank will limit access to accounts using debit cards and all you have to do is ask. You can also have direct bill paymants from your accounts so that the bills are always paid first. You should talk to someone at your bank to see what they can do for you to help. You dont have to tell them you have a gambling problem, you could make up something about having a shopping problem or blame it on someone else in your family. The point is, you can utilize the security measures that banks have to protect yourself from you. 

[MurrS7]

Always thinking and praying for you in your recovery. Please pop and in and let me know how you are doing.
Keep on fighting Jen. God bless

[Amber_Disfordone]

Wow reading your story felt like you wrote my own, but much more eloquently… even looking at the date was within a week of my lat day one in August and I did not gamble until a few days ago and I was so looking forward to seeing 3 months of being free, but I didn’t make it so here I am day 2 sad and scared because why does gambling have so much power over me. I’m saying the same thing I have said every time I never want to feel this way again I ever want to hurt my family again and I always mean it but so far have never made it… I hope you are doing much better Jen 3 because if you can do it maybe I can do it too

[MurrS7]

Hope you are well… been a while. Please come and give us an update when you can. Praying for you always .

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen
Hope to hear an update from you soon.

[Author]

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