[gssams]

I just wrote a letter to my wife
I cant do this anymore. Since my mum died i have been gambling heavily. I have stolen from you and the family, I have been dishonest and a total disgrace. I have been a total mess.
I thought I could get the money together for the place in ballinamore in time but I couldnt, we won the house clean and I have been trying to do that aswell as work etc. I tried to get the job with beaver because it paid into your bank account, therefore I couldnt spend it. I dont earn much at work and gamble alot of it mindlessly thinking I can get back what I lost. Every day I get a letter about money especially csa it throws me back. I have let everyone down and I feel that telling you the truth would show myself as being a failure and all the work I done in Gordon House was pointless. I have felt like I was in control and then the voices would start and it would start all over again. Truth is since she died I havent had any control
I am so sorry for this
I have been trying to get a referral to the nhs clinic in london and Ian wants to see me on a weekly basis, but because of moving and a thought that i could still deal with everything that I wouldnt need it and that Ireland would sort me out.
When I talked about leaving it was because I couldnt face the truth of what I had done.
I feel like ****

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