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All the lies are hurting me more and more each time, from pretending to be at work while really at the casino, lying about paycheques from work, secretly borrowing money from friends. Where do you make the decision that you can’t do this anymore? My husband has a problem with gambling since we met but I never knew it was a problem till after we met. Christmas presents went missing, his family members were apparently always borrowing money but it was all lies to cover up gambling. He has not helped with the bills or mortgage for months, we fight constantly and I can’t get the courage and strength to leave.
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Hi Meg
‘Enough’ does happen but I couldn’t tell you when – it happens to CGs too and they can and do change their lives, if it wasn’t so I would be writing to you.
Nothing you have written surprises me; it is the behaviour of a person with an active gambling addiction. Maybe the reason you have not summoned the courage to leave is because in spite of everything you love him and there is no shame in that.
I will assume therefore that, for now, you want to stay and you want a change.
Does your husband accept that he has a gambling problem? Has he ever sought help?
Most CGs (compulsive gamblers) do not appreciate the strain they put on those who love them – in fact while they are deep in the addiction they do not care. In my opinion, therefore, it is good to tell a CG that you are seeking support for ‘you’. Many CGs object to their loved ones seeking help because the addiction to gamble, being secretive and divisive and depending on enablement, doesn’t want those around them to have a knowledge that will deplete it’s power. Anything that depletes the power of the addiction, however, is good and right for you.
I do believe that it is important to point CGs in the direction of help and to that end I often suggest printing off the Gamblers Anonymous (GA) 20 questions which you can get on your search engine and leave them around for your husband to see – I say ‘leave them around’ because handing them to him would probably result in another fruitless argument which helps nobody.
Because I am not sure whether your husband is in denial of his addiction or not I will leave this first post for now. Please post again soon – the second post is always easier than the first – well done for starting your thread.
Velv et -
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Hi Megz
It is so common for CGs to say that they didn’t belong in GA. As with all groups they are made up of different people so some fit and some do not – a CG looking for a reason to continue gambling will always be able to find fault.
Your husband is angry with you for not giving him money to indulge his addiction and I admire your determination not to do so. I know how hard it is to say ‘no’ but giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic.
Your husband tells lies like a child. Caught in his addiction he would have lied from his first gambling loss – ashamed and confused by his action and his reaction to it, he would have lied to deflect questions. As adults we don’t expect blatant lies from our loved ones and tend to back off, the obvious lie being incomprehensible. To the CG, however, the lie has succeeded and his/her addiction can see the way clear to greater opportunities – it is not slow in grabbing opportunity and grows at an alarming rate. The CG’s life becomes entangled with lies, each lie becoming bigger and more outrageous until the memory of the CG is based solely on lies and the lies become ‘their’ truth.
Something written many times to our CG members is that when everything they have tried has not succeeded, maybe it is time to try something different. Your husband has ‘tried’ GA, he has been to counsellors and excluded himself from OLG casinos but I think I would be right in saying he has not tried this site yet. We have terrific CG only groups where he would be welcome – the anonymity helps many CG to say that which they have not dared to say before. We have the CG forum and a helpline that is manned by a CG in control of his addiction, a dedicated counsellor and others experienced in this addiction. If you are worried that your husband would recognise you, or that he would endanger your support, we are able to make your thread invisible and you could use the F&F group which is completely private – nothing said in the group appears on the forum. The helpline is also there for you, one-to-one it is completely private. Your support is my first concern though, so whatever you decide to do, please make sure that you are ok.
I am pleased that family and friends know your husband has this addiction, I hope they are supporting you. In my opinion, those who have not lived with the addiction to gamble cannot fully understand how you feel, so I always suggest asking family and friends for support and not opinions which are often of little help. If his friends have lost their money to him that is not your worry – to control his addiction he has to take responsibility for his actions. Clearing gambling debts is enablement and it only serves to alleviate his pressure so he can beg, borrow and steal again from the same people, to feed his addiction.
It is extremely difficult to control the addiction that your husband has the misfortune to own but it is possible. I am hoping that as he has made some efforts to change his life that he is receptive to walking another mile. Nothing you have said is unknown – however much you feel he is a lost cause, he can find his way.
Fighting is a waste of energy; it wears you out and achieves nothing, – only his addiction flourishes with every argument. I cannot tell you what to do but in my opinion it is good to tell a CG that you are seeking support for yourself – that you are taking the addiction seriously even if he is not.
Keep posting Megz, you are doing well even if you don’t feel it. There is much to learn that will help you and I will gladly walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
Velvet
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