[cs77]

             Hello. In September of 2009 I began on a downward spiral that I had no clue was ahead. At the time I had several things in life going for me, great friends, a steady job, a welcoming home, and a loving girlfriend. However, I started to feel lost, stuck, and hopeless. I felt that my job was going nowhere after a year and a half. I never found a niche in the "real world" and to see that after re-entering college for nine months to find a career path that wasn’t going anywhere, I felt sad, hopeless. How could I get married if my job was going nowhere? How could I purchase property if I did not receive a raise in almost two years. I failed to keep my head up and recognize all the good I had in life to keep me going and to support me.
In August of 2009 I became fed up with online poker. When I did play , I played usually for very small amounts, $10 here, $20 there, nothing detrimental to anything I had going on in life. However, there was maybe 3 or 4 occasions where I would get upset after a tough loss and follow it up with a $250 or $400 game. Whether I won or lost I don’t remember, at this juncture it does not matter. I probably lost my last match because I took a month hiatus from it. I should have known then I had a problem with online gambling. I would exclude myself for 3 or 6 months only to open another username before that expiration date hit.
In September of 2009 I began a journey of self destruction. If I felt frustrated before, I began to feel worse over the course of the next 14 months, adding anxiety and compulsive gambling to the frustration I already held inside. At first I won a few thousand, but continued to play and lost it sooner than I could win it. I enjoyed playing though. I felt like I belonged and made me feel like any other external worry did not matter. From September of 09 to December of 09 I lost several thousand dollars more. Panic kicked in during that time. I became focused on gambling. I would go to the gym and think about the game going on later in the night. I would go to a bar and escape to the bathroom to check the score of a game. I would leave work , go to my car, and call up to make a bet. Gambling became a way of life.
2010 was much of the same. My job got more fulfilling and was beginning to fall into place, but online gambling because such a way of life that it was as necessary as drinking water. I would come home from work, feel great the weekend was here and feel like it was a good idea to place a bet. I would work late on a Saturday, be tired , have a beer, and would place a bet because it would allow me to “exhale” from the stress of the day. 2010 was tough though. Hearing my mom speak of me moving out and buy a house or condo made her happy. She seemed proud that maybe I would do that soon. Each time we would walk by a house for sale, she’d mention that idea and I would shrug it off and look down. It was a punch in the stomach. I still gambled. I falsely believed that as long as I had a check to cover the bets and hope that I could go on a streak, things would fall into place. I was dead wrong.
In November of 2010, my girlfriend became overwhelmed with the fact that her and I had not become engaged after dating for many years. She wondered if there was something wrong with her and she could not have been further off. For 14 months I showed everyone on the outside I was ok, but was leading a separate life by compulsively gambling. I was the one with something wrong, seriously wrong. It took me to see her hit an emotional rock bottom to open up to her. Coming clean was like the world was lifted off my shoulders. However, there is so much more (good) work to do to heal. The past 14 months of losing myself have been a blur. I ask myself, not in despair, but in curiousity, what happened?

[Author]

Posts