[Unlucky]

so after emptying out checking account causing several bills to go unpaid this past weekend. I went home confessed to my husband and grown children that I had a problem . I deleted all my casino games on my phone and told my husband I was done with the casino . I figure ive spent and lost at least 5000 I the last six weeks that doesn’t count money I’ve won and given back . I don’t make a ton of money so this is a lot to me . Well today I told my husband a whopper . I told him a counselor told me to go to the casino to spend my comp / free play to see if I was able to just spend that money and leave with at least a dollar in my pocket . I told him he’d have to come with me to make sure i don’t have money . I do have like 200 free play but I was planning on smuggling some cash in . Then I think no just spend the free play , try to win the money back you lost last week . Then  I’m like ive done so well this week don’t do it  . Then I’m mad that my husband actually fell for this and says he will take me . Aghhh . My escape has been slots and I keep thinking I’m not doing any harm if I just stick to the free play but obviously I am having other thoughts I don’t have much money on me I gave control of most everything to my husband I just have 200 cash I’ve been holding on to . I know I’m making excuses , but I really feel like I have little in my life that brings me such joy and pleasure .   And now im stuck in another lie 

[velvet]

Hello Unlucky and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Johnny B]

He trusts you. If you told him you will just play the free play, he trusts and accepts that is all you will do… You will then lose more, an break his heart. I know this, because I used to do the same things, make the same promises… ” i promise not to lose too much,” “this time I will just play the comps” ” I broke about even”….all lies… all a disguise of the truth. Take a deep breath, take a break, and then be honest with yourself. If it is time to quit, then you will be ready. But you need to be ready, because it is not easy.

[Unlucky]

if I could just play the comps I would be in a better place . And even when that’s the plan why am I thinking of bringing this cash I have . why  do here machines control me ? I wnat to quit but I don’t because these games give me so much even though they take so much too . It’s like an abusive relationship . 

[Unlucky]

I went and as usual . I was up and down and up and down . I I had over 1000 at one point with just comps ,  and gave it all back and spent the cash I brought .  I’m steady thinking about how I can go again next week . I know I won’t have any extra money seeing that I spent my bill money last paycheck , there are bills waiting . I wish I could stop thinking about this . I really do . I joined a health club at work , I plan to start working out . I signed up for extra shifts at work . I’m still thinking about it …

[Johnny B]

You were “up” $1000 on just the comps, yet you lost it and your own money. I have been down that road. Let’s rationally think about that for a minute. How much was enough? How many times have we told ourselves, “if I had just quit”….I used to argue with myself that if I quit with that $1000 I could go back another day and not feel guilty about it….but guess what, it is gone. It is no longer your money. Sometimes there needs to be sobering moments that snap us back into reality.
I truly am sorry for your situation, knowing it isn’t easy. I am glad you are posting here….but you need to take control of your situation. You need to recognize the spiral is out of control and do something about it, before you become too desperate.
Thank you for sharing, I hope you come to your reality sooner than later!

[Unlucky]

thank you for your support 

[Unlucky]

THank you

[Unlucky]

After a very tough 3 nights at work . I want so much to unwind and escape . I’m trying my hardest to do that at home . I’m feeling down on myself and emotional . This is usual when the casino seems so friendly and inviting . And I’m off the next three nights and while I have no money on hand I do have the comp money waiting for me … again … I’m not going to go . I just am thinking about it . Also reflecting on my life and current job and wondering if I should pursue something else , I am feeling emotionally drained . I work as a nurse in a very acute ICU . The things I see are hard even for a veteran nurse , add in emotions of family who are looking to blame someone and coworkers dealing with similar stress , it gets to be a lot . And it seems the way I release is either to feed a slot machine or over feed myself . I’ve gained 25 pounds in the last year . But today I’m doing neither . I’m home off work tonight . I’m about to make a salad and watch a movie . Today I won’t !

[charles]

Hi, I am replying here rather than on your poem so that all your advice is in the same place.

You say you are worried about what will happen when you get paid? This is why it is important to put thigns in place now, while you don’t want to gamble and don’t have the funds anyway. Then thigns are already there when you do have funds and urges occur.

Get yourself excluded from that casino. Put your money somewhere that you are ccountable for it, maybe a family member could help with that?

Actions are what helps us stop gambling, look at the positive actions you can take before payday.

Keep posting.

[Unlucky]

It’s been 6 days without gambling in a casino . That last day I even deleted all play casino games on my phone . The ones where real money isn’t really won . I found that i was ordering coins when the free coins ran out even when I didn’t have the money . I used to laugh with my husband when I first started playing those games ” who on earth would pay for that ? ” I did . Today I was looking at my baby girl , she just had her sweet sixteen , she isn’t always sweet but that’s another story , I remember taking her to the dentist about 3 mos ago and she was supposed to get dental work , but o couldn’t come up with the copay . Meanwhile I spent thousands of dollars in the casino feeding slots . I’m so ashamed . I don’t want to feel like this anymore . Is there any hope for me , I wonder . Will my family ever be able to look at me the same now that I’ve confessed my deepest transgressions . I was once a strong hard working mother who worked extra to keep her sons in college . I had my oldest in high school and two more shortly after , it seems I’ve always been looking to fill a void . But I was never a statistic , I finished school and went on to two college degrees , I wanted my kids to see hope in the face of adversity , now I feel like a big fat failure , now that they know … it’s hard to explain , so humbling . Like all the times I borrows money from my son for gambling , and now I don’t dare ask anyone for financial help even when I need it . Food is sparser , we have enough but not much , I won’t ask , I’m too embarrassed and worried they think I’m trying to get money for gambling . I don’t mind suffering right now I just don’t want my family to . I’m sorry I’m feeling sorry for myself right now , but it’s starting to sink in exactly how much I’ve done to threaten our stability .

[Unlucky]

It’s day 7 . I picked up a shift at work . So I’ll be there until 7 am . Distractions

[Unlucky]

So it’s day 8 . I’m working again tonight . I’m exhausted , but I really need the distraction . I still think of the slots and winning some money that I know will never come .

[notworthit]

I am a nurse to. I can relate. I know about the stress of the job. I almost took a postion on a ICU stepdown unit but the stress was too much for me so after 6 weeks of training I resigned. I am going to make the decision to not go back to the casino. I am the person that you would look at a say she is so lucky. In this past year I have won 30 thousand dollars. I have spent some of it right and some of it wrong. I have it in my mind that I can win a million but I don’t want to waste a million trying to win a million. There will always be an excuse to play but it is not worth it. I plan to become a doctor and am actively working on it. I am afraid that if I don’t stop now I will just create a bigger mess later in life. I am too out of control to keep playing. I had this one guy tell me I was too smart to be wasting my time in the casino. That is not saying that if you are not a nurse you are not smart but the point is as nurse we have to ability to make decent money. Try to find something postive that eats up your time and know that you will never have control in a casino, so the best thing to do is just stay away. Listen to calm music at home, make peace about your job (do something else or find a healthier stress relief). Take care!

[notworthit]

Thank you for your post. I guess it is the kind of thing that can creep up on you (losing your home etc.). I don’t want to have that happen to me. 

[notworthit]

It came for me but I gave a good portion of it back to the casino. Just stay away from the place. It is a cycle of chaos that never ends. 

[Unlucky]

So woohoo I made it to day 9 . I’m working my life away all weekend to avoid temptation . I work tonight again , but unfortunately off the next two days , unless the hospital needs me by some slim chance . I’m trying to plan for things to do the next couple days and already paid the bills that were due the ones I could so I don’t have to worry about that . I also started dieting and exercising Monday so I’ve been preoccupied with logging calories and what not . Down 7 lbs this week ! God please don’t let me mess this up .

[Unlucky]

I had preoccupied my time with extra shifts , which was effective at the time . However I have been so exhausted from all the extra work and lack of sleep . I had the night off last night and after a few hours of sleep I went to the casino yesterday . I spent comp dollars and some cash I had on me , but didn’t touch my debit card, probably because my husband gets alerts the second it’s used . This. Morning however I spent some money I had saved aside . It wasn’t much but any amount is too much right now ! I’m disappointed in myself but even more disturbing I was more upset that I didn’t win . I’m sick and I know it , I’m going to exclude this week I think , but I’m very anxious about it . My husband knew I was going to the casino and didn’t say anything about it he said our bills were paid this week so , if it is what makes me happy . I came home and also reinstalled one of my play casino games I had deleted because I was ordering coins on it . I used up the free coins and deleted it , but feeling sick to my stomach . I can’t work every night . I work 12-14 hour shifts overnight and I have a teen daughter I need to pick up from school , which means interrupted sleep . But I’ve got to Do something , I feel defeated .

[charles]

Hi Unlucky.

Does your husband know yet that your counsellor didn’t actually say it was okay to go and play those comps?

[Unlucky]

no …. he doesnt 

[finding_laura]

Hi Unlucky, welcome to the forum. I know how you feel. I really do. Hugssss. It’s so hard to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Zoning out at the casino gives us a break from our concerns and responsibilities. But for someone like us, who has become addicted to the fix we get when we slide the money into the machine and see it light up with credits to play, it creates worse chaos than that we are trying to escape. It’s hard to realize we are spending money our family could use for things like dental care, extras in the cupboard, or a family night.

As a nurse you must understand addiction and trying to make yourself feel better using outside stimulus like gambling or eating. You are just being human and trying to soothe your hurting. “evidence indicates that gambling activates the brain’s reward system in much the same way that a drug does.” This article from which I’ve quoted explains how gambling addiction is similar to drug addiction.
http://www.brainfacts.org/diseases-and-disorders/addiction/2015/gambling-addiction-and-the-brain

And as such, we go through withdrawal. Which is also talked about in the previous article but here is another article that puts in plain and to the point. https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm

It can be so hard to put the breaks on this. Think of the comps and your little secret cash stash as the drug required by an addict. You need to access it by putting it in a machine. And then the feel good chemicals flood your body. And your fix is complete until you run out of money or comps. Then the cycle of craving starts again.

When I first stopped gambling I couldn’t handle cash for a little while. I literally had a five dollar bill for a snack at work each day. I knew I would be too weak to walk around with my drug in my pocket. Before long I’d be looking for a machine to use it. But it was a starting point.

I wish you luck in perhaps banning from that casino. One step at a time. You can make a change and save yourself. Take care,
Laura

[charles]

Hi Unlucky,

I think you know some of the things you can do. If you tell your husband you have discovered it isn’t safe for you to play those comps then you will be less able to gamble.

I expect he will also be delighted to go with you as moral support when you get banned from that casino.

Does he know about this site? He could get a lot of support and a better understanding of the problem in the Friends and Family Forum and groups.

Keep posting

[Author]

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