[sammyj]

I am a 56-year old mother and grandmother who got back into online gambling about a year ago after losing a ton of money and the trust of my husband 7 years ago – in recent days I’ve gambled away all of our savings (about $30K) and have yet to tell him.  I have maxed out credit cards he doesn’t know about and have no money to pay the property taxes that are due.  I have the nicest life in the world in a beautiful place and have wonderful friends and family and am thought highly of – I raise money for our children’s hospital and am involved in my church – and of course no one knows this dirty little secret that is eating me up since it escalated this past year.  The only consolation I tell myself is that I’ve done nothing illegal to support my habit – except that online gambling is illegal in the US – I somehow manage to ignore that little detail.  I hate myself so much at this point and though I would never do it because of the damage it would do to my large family & people who depend on me, if it were just me I would be suicidal.  I went to GA years ago and hated the meeting – of course I thought I was nothing like the people there – ha, I am worse for being smug and trying to quit my own. I did find another meeting in an area closer to my home, but the meetings this week are not available due to the holiday.  I probably should go to rehab, but besides the cost, I host the family holidays & guests are in my home off & on for the next month and in January we are going out of state to babysit grandchildren for 2 weeks.  Also I could not stand going public with my problem – we lost a teen-age son to cancer 10 years ago and my family has been through more than you can imagine.  Although actually it is my husband most of all who will be hurt – he trusts me and loves me so much and now I’ve again gone and let this evil into our lives – again.  I just can’t seem to let things be OK – when they are too good, I mess them up by gambling.  I win a lot and then put it all back in as I’m always sure I will win again if I just gamble a bit more.  I am so unhappy with myself and what I’ve done & can’t seem to get ahold of myself.  I also believe I am depressed and could use medication, but since  my favorite medication is wine, I don’t want to give that up for a pharmaceutical. I am calling the doctor tomorrow and finding out next steps, although am embarrassed that I’ve not lost the weight he told me to a year ago – 30 lbs put on when my son was ill.  I am not sure why I am even writing, other than I came across this site and it seems there are those who understand.  I just feel so undeserving of help – I had a less than ideal childhood and built the life I wanted & now I’ve put it all in jeopardy.  And all of the "I’s" in this post make me even more aware how self-absorbed gambling makes me – I appreciate any advice, as well as if anyone knows of a program to use on MAC to block the gambling sites, let me know.  I’ve been told Gamblock, but can’t get it to work, although I have emailed them to get assistance.  Thank you for being there.

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