[lauren05]

Another year, another Valentine’s Day,

But today, this year 2019 is the start where I WILL and choose to be different.

I refuse to be an intolerable child, wanting, screaming, crying but not getting

I can’t go on like this anymore. I MUST STOP!

 

I feel so wasted, so backward while all my family and friends are doing ok and have their own homes. Yet, I have a good job, earn well but my earnings are all spent on feeding my addition to gamble. My money comes in and I watch it dwindle down to nothing in hours, the same day because I cannot accept my loss and wait and hope for it to turn. I know how much I could win, did win, when it turned and I hold on to that delusion and fraction of a chance that it will happen again.

 

I feel like I’m so old and just can’t learn. It’s my escape from life, unhappiness within, not feeling good about myself and my weight gain. Yet to the outside world, I am amazing, wonderful and blessed and even named ‘Bubbles’ because I exude energy, full of life and cheerful ! How far from who I really am, the real me when I’m home alone. I lead a double life. I struggle with this demon that holds me in bondage but I can’t escape to true happiness where I am free and have money in the bank. 

 

I sometimes wonder whether I think I don’t deserve the money I earn. I am also generous so when I have money, I am spending it on others. I’ve been in relationships with men who didn’t have money and an ex-husband who didn’t earn what I did. So I don’t know or experienced someone paying for me at restaurants, spoiling me as I do them. I feel I’m portraying the wrong image and hiding my insecurities and vulnerability. I am just a quiet, reserved, scared little girl inside, dying to be loved and giving love but I am so lost. 

 

I can’t believe that I am so immature not to learn and turn this around as I do in my work and life. I am always striving for more, to be better, to study to get my doctorate but I’m no more than this little scared girl. I’m holding fast to my faith in Jesus but it seems that just as I re-affirmed my baptism and living for Him, that this demon and devil came to wreck and destroy all that purpose and choice. But I won’t stop or give up. God is my Helper and my strength and in Him I can be and do ALL things. I AM a new creation ! Please help me !!!! I need support and guidance with a caring hand to take this long, dusty and never ending   journey in this dry, arid desert to the Promised Land !

 

 

[lauren05]

It’s day 2, a new day. Still have this hollow, aching sombre feeling in my stomach of heaviness and feeling low. But I live in the present and appreciate the sun shining, having a job, working from home. I can’t look to the future. I have to live in the now. I feel so alone, so off track while others have got their lives together. But I will fight and get past this. I am determined. I have set myself goals to accomplish today. I’ve neglected important issues like doing my company tax but that becomes due now.

Today, I will walk down the road and join the gym. I will throw myself into the activities that I enjoyed and made me feel better. I have put on more weight and feel ugly and fat about myself. I’m trying to like myself and be kind to myself. I rob myself of things to use my money on gambling. I have nothing to show for my earnings. I refuse to work to gamble all my money away. These early mornings, nights away to work abroad are hard to earn my money but amount to nothing when I resort to this bad habit.

I have to save my money, I need to save my money. I need to feel I’m worthy and valued. I am here for a purpose, not a lost cause. Today is a one step in that direction to know that purpose, to be happy, to enjoy life and be loved. Today, I have focus but I have a heavy heart and feel so empty, stripped of everything. I need to stop placing such a high value and importance on money.

[crhh]

I don’t know why nobody answered to you yet, when you asked for help and you seem to get through a lot. You don’t need only emotional support though, I know that and probably you will need for guidance as well so you can finish it off for good good.
If you think that’s nothing left, always look on your right, if you know what I mean… So, basically, you always need to find another thing to hope for, I was just reading all these journals and I was just wondering, how are you? How are you lately? How is everything with you? Did you manage to do it? Where is day 3? Day 4? What about…today’s day?

[velvet]

Hello Lauren and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lauren
I too, don’t know how you have slipped through and not had replies.
Please give us another chance and post again.
I hope you found your way to the gym and that maybe you are feeling more positive but however you are it would be great to hear from you again so that the community can support you as you deserve.
Velvet

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