[dany]

well, its 3 am here and im not a happy camper.  i feel sick to my stomach about the amount of money ive spent this evening, throwing it away in various internet casinos.  ive self excluded myself from most of them now but the sad thing is if i could go back to when i was £700 up, i know i wouldnt cash it out and would just keep on gambling it, thinking i could win more.    i was shocked earlier at just how upset i became when i ran out of money, having had strong urges to self harm, feeling that i was the lowest of the low.  i understand now its not about the money as everytime i won i just became greedier and was convinced i could keep doubling up.  i guess i loved the escapism it gave me, away from having to study, away from negative thoughts about my self image and general unhappiness and emptiness i felt on a daily basis.  ive always been addicted to vices but gambling is relatively new for me.  Before that it was alcohol, food and then shopping.  i’m going to need to find something else to take gamblings place now and i dont know what- i know it should be the gym. ive decided that when my boyfriend gets back im going to hand over my cards etc for a while because i know when im alone in a few days and im sitting in front of my computer feeling sad, stressed and lonely, im going to want to gamble. 

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