[uchet67]

Aged 45.
Have 4 kids and lovely fiancee.
Have my own business (small).
Recognise that my gambling (mostly online) is particularly driven by stress, particularly financial.
Potted history …
1983+ – gambling in local arcade and slots in pubs (living in new area with no friends)
1992 – settled down with partner, had 2 kids.  Minimal gambling.
2000 – split up with partner, got job in London.  Bigger gambling started again.
2001- 3 – running my own business, started on machines in bookies and online casinos.
2002 – new girlfriend had baby, me unable to afford a house – living apart (her with baby).
2004 – personally bankrupt trying to win money to get a house deposit – £60K+ bankruptcy.
2004 – started new business, stopped gambling for a few months.
2005 – fully back on gambling.
2008 – finally decided to rent with girlfriend. Business bringing in around £8K/month.
2009 – second baby with girlfriend, moved to bigger house.
2008-11 – now engaged, still no house deposit, business is really hard work but need the income (£10K/month) to cover business and house etc.  Gambling to try and get a bit extra in to cover costs and save for house deposit.   Deeper and deeper into losses, mostly through online, partially bookies (machines), and a bit of casino occassionally.
2012 – put business into voluntary liquidation due to big tax bill (ongoing).  Outgoings higher than incoming.  Started new business, not quite so much in my financial control.  Started ‘in person’ counselling (advised me to go here).
Motivating force: if I die my family are in trouble.  For years I’ve wanted a mortgage so that if I died, the house at least would be paid for.  The house we rent is big/lovely – would need about £100K deposit.
Estimated value wasted on gambling in past 10 years: around £500K – probably half of that in the past 3 years.
Once I’d won larger amounts (£3-5K in a session) all other amounts seem paltry.  Online gambling lets you win that, knowing that you’ll waste it again instead of keeping it.  Have felt jealous of people who can spend £20 on a machine and walk away happy with £30 or £40.
I don’t feel that I enjoy gambling – it feels like a necessity when stressed, particularly financially.  It feels like, amongst everything taking so long to achieve, a ‘quick win’ is a nice boost.
My fiancee/family don’t know about my problem.  Very few people do.  It’s my dirty secret.  I know I have the ability to achieve great things through building my business but am financially at a low point (which may sound ironic, being £10K a month coming in).  It’s true what they say though, the more that comes in, the more goes out.
I am selfish – my fiancee thinks all my stress is work-related and she knows money is tight.  She will be proud to spend £70 on weekly shop instead of £90.  She will save a few quid here and there as her way of helping.  She doesn’t realise that I waste serious multiples of her savings every day.  That makes me feel the lowest of the low.  But I can’t tell her of my problem – she knew of it in 2004 and I swore I wouldnt do it again – it would break our relationship I feel, her knowing that years of scraping by have been caused by me.
But here I am.  Doing what my counsellor recommended – getting involved with those who have been there and done it.  I’ve seen betfilter on here and am very tempted (although ironically, spent all I’ve got this week).  My work involves roughly 12 hours a day at a computer screen – betfilter would appear to make sense.  But I’m not stupid enough to think that’s the answer.  The answer, I hope, is ongoing, through support and one day, I hope to be able to give something back.
As the signature file says – although in the past 30 years I’ve had two serious relationships, 4 kids, work for myself, earn a decent wage (even though it’s all spoken for and more!), those positive things have been masked by the sheer waste of gambling.   If I live to 75 I’d like to be able to say "at least I spent those last 30 years productively and provided for those around me, as well as ‘giving back’ in other ways".  I think I could die happy then.
Sorry, a bit lengthy – the perils of being a fast typist!
 Two thirds of my life gone to gambling.  Roughly two thirds remaining (hopefully!).  Time to do something positive with it.

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