[happysomeday]

I’ve told myself so many times that today will be the day I stop. It never is.
Gambling is a funny thing with me; I don’t think about it all the time. I can go days, even weeks, without feeling compelled to gamble at all, usually when I am happy and engaged and I have adequately banned myself from all recent online accounts.
But, of course, there are always more gambling sites, and in moments of loneliness and weakness, I deposit and lose, deposit and lose. Deposit, run up the money – think about withdrawing it (sometimes I try to withdraw it, but, I swear, something always seems to go wrong with the transaction) – and lose.
In a vacuum, I can handle my losses. I know I’m making a conscious decision to gamble; and that I’m going to lose the majority of the time. I can’t sit here and blame bad luck or bad timing – I enter the vortex knowing I’m going to lose.
What kills me deep inside is what I’m doing to my wife without her even knowing. I disclosed losses in the past, after lying about it for some time, and I almost lost her. Now, I’m at that stage again, and I know I can’t tell her.
They money I’m losing is hers too, and the things we could be doing with that money – together – rip my heart out. The fact that money we’ve worked so hard for is vanishing into thin air, the vacations we could have taken, the downpayment on the house we could have made. It makes me sick.
This is the most effort I’ve ever made to stop. I called an addiction help line today for the first time, and while the person on the other end wasn’t the most brilliantly trained, he was patient and a great listener and it felt good to let my emotions out for once instead of bottling them in.
Today is the day I will stop.
Today is the day I will stop.
I NEED to stop. The loss-chasing delusions are killing me.
Thank you to this place for existing. Best wishes to everyone on their journey– 11/22/2011 4:39:28 AM: post edited by HappySomeday.

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