[georgiasdaddy]

I have been a member of this forum for several years now. I have not posted in a long time but do still read others’ posts. I needed to share where I’m at right now so that I can categorise and appreciate what I have going for me in my life and potential future (hopefully having gained the upper hand over this compulsion).
I have applied to Gordon House, and although I am extremely worried about so many things to do with going there, these do not and will not compare in comparison to a potential lifetime of destruction that my gambling will cause to myself and those around me.
I have the most beautiful child who I adore and want to do right by. This means I must stop gambling. I have the most amazing, caring, loving, understanding and non-judgmental woman by my side who I will make my wife. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I have a steady job. These are all so much more than others have the privilage of around them.
My gambling has always peaked and troughed in regularity and severity. Of late, it has been at a levelled off peak. I have had more time on my hands recently and cannot get past the desire to gamble. Online gambling has entered my life and I am accomplished at wiping out the contents of my account without even getting out of bed or seeing the money that I’m wasting. All so surreal. Just little numbers on a screen that always end up the same – £0.00.
My wonderful lady swallows back the tears in front of me as I confess my sins time after time but I don’t even feel like saying sorry anymore as it seems so hollow compared to the destruction my gambling causes. It also makes me feel (at least the gambler beast inside) that by blowing out and apologising, I can do it again and again. That is never what I conciously think but once I’m under ‘it’s’ control that’s all the justification I need.
So rather than saying sorry again or walking on eggshells waiting for the torrent of abuse and anger from her (which rarely happens and actually serves to make me feel all the more upset with myself), I have made a ‘positive step. I’m wholeheartedly prepared to walk the walk, rather than just talking the talk.
Gordon House would mean enormous financial pressures on me and my lady. We do run a house and have a child to think about. I will also need to find the £600 per month for accomodation at GH (in line with housing benefit and extremely fair) as well as food money and other expenses such as travel etc but this will be a tiny proportion of the money I have and will fritter away over my life time. Having been the master of ‘scraping by’ month after month following the inevitable collapse of will power and bank balance I will have to tune these skills in once more to ‘get by’ whilst addressing this uglybug called compulsive gambling.
This, I am determined to do. This, I must do. This, I WILL do.
 

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