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alink Submitted by ThreeTimer on Tue, 05/24/2016 – 14:42
Omg, this is crazy….i had no idea so many people….so much confusion, hurt, greif…etc…I am glad to have read this thread. It’s helping me understand my situation better.
I nearly left my common law 3 times. First time was when we were new relationship. I have him my debit card to go get me smokes at the store or something – he came back (on Valentines) I had a nice gift to give him and he didnt seam happy for it. He told me he just drained $200 from my bank account to gamble. To try and win money to help his family in Europe. He said it was just supposed to be $20 but he lost and kept trying to get my money back for me.
I lost it as I had to leave my previous engagement due to going bankrupt from that guys gambling AND drinking problem. Time #2 – we had a newborn baby and I gave him money because I got a good disability tax credit from gov and I wanted him to have some to get ahead and pay his bills. Nope gambled it! Big fight. Blah blah, made up….
Iv’e always had suspicions in between but he always had a good answer but if not, the second answer was good and believed by me. Now the third time after living in a new city for 1.5 years and no catching him, but I did have a few suspicions, which of course he covered up. I have found out from my nephew that works with him that he has been going to the casino for the last year….FRIG!!!!! We are supposed to be getting married this August! I have to leave with our now 4-year-old and take my losses to this relatioship too. I call myself ThreeTimer because once with a stealing, drug smoking, alcoholic, little gambler, then an alcoholic gambler. Now a smoking cigarettes, fat belly unhealthy gambler…..
I have no choice but to leave. I hate it. I love him! We have a gorg boy together. He is going to beg me to stay when I break the news, he is going to threaten. omg!!!! Right now i am getting all my ducks in a row to plan the flea with our son. I will NOT deny access to my son of course. Daddy loves him dearly and dito. It’s so hard. I just want him to stop and be a good partner and dad to us. No additions. Just healthy lifestyle like me…..
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Hello Three Timer
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at ourprivacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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Hi Three Times
You seem very sure of what it is that you are going to do and I would be very surprised if you said you were not feeling very sad. Leaving is hard but I know that sometimes it is the only way and sometimes it is the right way for both the CG and the person who loves them.
Has your partner ever admitted he has an addiction, has he ever tried to do anything about It?
I hope that now you have found this site you will see that we offer tremendous support for CGs on our Helpline, in our CG groups and in ‘My Journal’ forum; there is also GA who offer great support. I believe it is important to point CGs in the right direction towards support because many don’t know that there is help and often they feel very alone in the belief that nobody understands them – just as you probably felt. Perhaps you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions for him which you can find on the gamblersanonymous web site because maybe your partner doesn’t realise the damage his behaviour has caused.
Ultimatums do not work with CGs unless you mean to carry out the threat, whatever it is, so if you are not 100% sure that leaving is the right thing for you, I hope you will keep posting and maybe join the F&F group on Tuesdays 20.00-21.00 hours UK time because knowledge will give you the ability to make the right informed decision.
I hope you will keep posting – I believe that support is great for those living with someone with the addiction to gamble but I also believe it is equally important to have support when you are going to stick with a CG or leave them; the addiction affects so many aspects of our lives.
Keep in touch, my thoughts are with you
Velvet -
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Hi Three Times
I can only give you knowledge of the addiction – what you do with that knowledge as a result of what you learn, has to be in your hands but I will support you in whatever decision you make. A major part of ‘your’ recovery is to retake control of your own life. Your CG partner has been making poor decisions that have affected you and I suspect your self-esteem and confidence will have been shaken badly having been in this situation 3 times – it is time for you to look after youself.
I am sorry you are receiving threats of suicide, it is sadly not uncommon and of course it is the most frightening threat a CG can make, however, you cannot save your partner, only he can do that – just like you, he has to make his own choices.
I suggest it is an attempt to deflect from his poor behaviour when he accuses you of ‘screwing around’, you know the truth so please don’t let such lies stop you looking after yourself.
Were you able to download the Gamblers anonymous 20 questions? They do help CGs to recognise their problem whist hopefully letting them know that there is support for them. Perhaps you could ask him to look at the GA-20 questions when he is a better frame of mine such as when you have been out for a meal.
In my opinion you should not trust him at the moment, maybe you could ask him to start giving you receipts which is what many CGs do who recognise they have a problem.
I hope, from what you have written that you have support from your brother, sister and sister-in-law during this really tough time.
Your partner will almost certainly believe that his addiction will look after him so that leaves you without support from him – so please look after yourself first and keep posting.
Velvet -
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Hi 3 Timer
It seems to me you are giving your partner a chance because your are not telling him there is no hope, so now it is up to him to prove to you that he is going to live a gamble-free life.
The first sticking point is obviously his refusal to admit he has a problem but maybe, just maybe, if he does go to GA he will learn to accept. There are CGs who go to GA and pay lip-service but the other members are only too aware when this happens – they are all there because of a shared addiction to gamble after all. As was said to me a long time ago ‘you can’t kid a kidder’.
I smiled at all your ‘I wish’ words dotted throughout your post. I would wish all the things that you wish but I know that no amount of me wishing will change a thing. I learned not to do ‘if only’ ‘what ifs’ and ‘I wish’ a long time ago – it’s tough but when we do stop doing them we do begin to accept the way it is and to look for different ways to live our lives – often finding better things than we had dreamed of before. CGs have to put ‘if only’, ‘what it’ and ‘I wish’ behind them too, which might help you understand your partner’s struggle. CGs would love to gamble responsibly, the fact that they can’t is something that they struggle to accept but if they can accept that this is the way it is and look for better ways forward then they can begin to recover.
There is no overnight fix, as you have recognised, so please do things that please you this summer, enjoy new hobbies; take up old interests that got put on one side while you dealt with your partner’s addiction; live in the centre of your life and not on the periphery of his. It is so important that while CGs struggle to come to terms and accept and hopefully choose a gamble-free life that those who love them do not let hours, days and months slip by without growing themselves. If your partner learns to control his addiction, which he can, he will benefit from you living in control of your life – as a victim and part of the wreckage of his addiction you can’t help him – as a strong, determined person you can,
Why do you feel that getting an apartment with your son will close the door on a possible future relationship with your partner? If you are going to stay with your sister for 3 months only to find that your partner has either not stopped gambling, or he is trying but you are still unable to trust him, then you have not walked far up ‘your’ road of recovery. Your recovery matters 3-Timer. Don’t waste time thinking ‘‘what if’ I never can marry him’ but spend your time building up your life so that if/when he does prove he is in control of his addiction you are in a strong position to make an informed decision.
I hope some of this helps but please keep posting
Velvet -
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Hi Three Timer, it seems to me that you already know what is best for you and have made up your mind pretty much. From what I read in your posts, your relationship sounds a bit unhealthy (to me at least). There are obviously more issues than just the gambling.
Cgs scheme and lie and try to manipulate, anything to keep the addiction alive. Recovery is something the addict has to work on himself, nobody can really help, just support the effort. It takes dedication and hard work on his part, the addiction is his, not yours.
I am also a type 1 diabetic, have been for 38 years and I have to agree with you, the disease is brutal. Stress is a big factor in keeping your BS stable and living with a cg can really aggravate the problems. Just like you, I have been tempted to give up many, many times. What kept me going was that my daughter and my pets needed me. When you are battling serious health problems, being in a relationship with an addict can be harder than it is for a healthy person. JMHO of course. Nobody can tell you what to do, that is for you to decide. Listen to your gut and try to do what is best for you and your son. I wish you the best of luck in anything you do!! -
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Hi 3 Timer
This site is not qualified to discuss your partner’s apparent control issues but the couples counselling seems an excellent and positive way for you both to deal with this problem.
Nomore is right that an active CG will do almost anything to feed his/her addiction but you have now posed the question ‘how do I find out if he really is a cg?’. I suggest that you look on the Gambers Anonymous web site and download the 20-questions – perhaps read them through first and see how you would rate your partner and then show him and see how he would rate himself. The addiction to gamble hardens over time but it is possible to have a problem with gambling that does not become a full-blown addiction; treatment will still be required if such a problem exists and the earlier the better. I believe the 20 questions will help you and your partner to know where he is on the addiction scale. The easy money fix is being bandied about every day in the media and many people will have tried to ‘win’ money to cover bills – the danger for the potential CG is that having experienced the gamble they cannot stop.
In my opinion, if your partner is a CG then his promises, without treatment, are not worth anything. If he has a problem that has not developed into an addiction then with treatment he will be able to learn to control his desire to gamble.
It isn’t wrong for you to ‘want him to do it on his own and then show me how he has changed’. Knowing that you are supporting him will help him but support doesn’t mean going back with the situation unresolved – he is saying the right things but now he has to act if you are to have any hope of trusting him. I believe the distance between you may keep him aware that he has to do something positive while at the same time allowing you worry-free time in which to gain strength and recover yourself.
I will wait to hear from you again before writing further but keep posting and posing your questions and feelings – hopefully you will soon begin to see your way clear to what is right for you.
Velvet -
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Hi 3 Timer
Do not regret putting your wedding on hold; a bride at 38 who loves the man she is to marry and trusts him is so much better than a bride at 35 with an insurmountable pile of regrets by the time she is 38.
How did you get on with the 20 questions? They are an excellent guide for you and for your partner.
Your nephew has given you grounds for doubt about the extent of your partner’s gambling and you have, in my opinion, reacted sensibly to that doubt – especially as your partner tried to chase his losses by gambling which is one of the signs of addiction. Of course it might be possible that you have over-reacted because of your previous experiences but lack of trust, for whatever reason, in my view, is not a good basis for making a life-long commitment.
I obviously cannot answer why your nephew would say what he did if it wasn’t true – does he have a problem with drink and drugs as your partner has suggested?
Were your talks heated or calm? Did your partner take any of the blame for your concerns or was the blame all placed on you? If he is an active CG it will probably be harder to determine whether he is actually gambling now because he will probably be more careful to hide his activity from you but if he is active his behaviour should speak volumes. I explained the ups and downs of the addiction to gamble in ‘the F&F Cycle’ thread which, at the moment is 3 threads below yours – maybe it will help.
Even though you are confused and probably a bit frightened, at the moment, it is better to be sure and hopefully you will get the reassurance you deserve. You feel crushed that you have had your wedding postponed but you are still together and your son has his dad so use your time carefully to build up your strength and keep communications open.
Keep posting 3-Timer – from all you have said there is a ‘possibility’ that your partner has crossed the line into addiction but equally there is a possibility that he has shocked himself with his poor behaviour and has stopped at the threshold –either way he would do well to go to GA or communicate with our Helpline, for the sake of himself as well as you and his son.
I wish you well
Velvet
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