[mr competitive]

Hi this is my first post and I am totally destroying my life. I am 32 years old I live at home with my parents I have no money no credit rating my friends are deminishing my family dont trust me I might lose my job as I have just taken three days off sick and sent a long email to my manager and director telling them I have major depression and a gambling problem and I now am sitting in my bedroom which is a box room and all I want to do is get high in some way. Alcohol or drugs I’d do anything right now and if I could take a pill that would put me to sleep forever I would take it.
My life is groundhog day and I am really exhausted with it. I am so competitive it’s crazy so as you can imagine I am really good at most sports I try, played for England youth at darts played for essex at snooker picked up a set of golf clubs and won the club championship went to Australia and played pool for a living for a year. I am also a salesman, my forte is communcating with people I can adapt to any situation I workout regular because looking good is the most important thing to me and I think that’s why I gamble. I want to be flash with money I want more than I have and I want to give others everything. I am overly generous, terrible with money love spending it, hate the thought of having it and I can not sleep the week running up to payday because I know what I am going to do with it and I always think I am going to win loads as we all do. Ever since I was at the age of around 14 I got rid of my money straight away it’s a wierd thing and I have often wondered if I have an issue with money and I am scared of the responsability that comes with it. It hit me when I met an old mate I hadn’t seen for about ten years and he asked me to do something, I said I was skint and he laughed and said o nothing changed there then you were always skint even when we were teenagers. Is that a habbit? being skint. I know everything in life is a habbit maybe I am so used to borrowing money and being skint that I find it too abnormal to have money.
I studied NLP and they told me that I have a fear of money and I needed NLP therapy to stop me gambling that was a joke paid £1500 for that weeks therapy and gambled straight away after. I was thinking that maybe hypnotherapy would work?
I have tried to commit suicide a few times in the past that is also like groundhog day, my first time I was around 21 i’d not paid any debts I had loans and credit cards etc and when I got paid I went straight down to the casino and blow my whole wage and that was at 12.30am I actually went and waited for my wages to go in that morning and then have that journey home knowing not only have I got to get through the month but also that I couldn’t pay my parents there housekeeping and knew they’d go crazy at me then obviously have to tell all my friends I couldn’t pay them either. one afternoon that month I bought 10 ectasy pills took them all at work in the afternoon in the toilets. I passed out on the floor woke up and went sat at my desk and just never spoke to anyone the whole shift. Strangely I wasn’t out of my face at all. I got through that period eventually with my parents getting me a lona and me just about managing to pay the monthly payments. I didn’t class that as a proper suicide attempt if I am honest, about 10 months ago I had just about had enough because being 31/32 having no money blowing everything I also caught my girlfriend messaging another guy about sex and there where tramadols there, I took about 30 in one go and to be honest hardly anything happened to me again. I didn’t really class that as I proper attempt. Last september I got paid blew half my wage on payday then bought coke alcohol sat played poker online bet on what ever online gradually blew all my wage so I ran a bath got a serated edge knife drank as much as I could got in the bath with the knife crying my eyes out and just started to slam the knife against my left wrist it was bleeding but not working so then I tried slicing it with the knife and it still wasn’t working so I hit and hit and hit until i gave up and just cried my eyes out I couldnn’t give it that real proper whack that I knew would cut tright through I hit it so hard but I couldn’t do it hard enough. When I come round my last option was to take pills so I took around 35 30mg cocodamols and I was just passing out when my brother found me I got rushed to hospital stomach pumped etc and I could see how upset everyone was and how bad this was for everyone it really hurt me. The minute I had a chance to gamble I gambled again.
Sorry this is so long I am trying to paint a clear pitcure. 
After I did that I got work to pay my wages into my parents account and what I would do is make excuses for money and gamble it that way but at least my debts where being paid. I had a big bust up with my mum last month and I used it as an excuse to get my wages paid into my account and I was absolutely positive that I would pay all my debts before I spent money or gambled etc. Got the max £300 out of the cash point on payday and paid that out but I needed to pay another £700 so I went to the cash point the next day drew out £700 and blew it then went back to my bank got the rest out chased that money I lost and now I am totally back to square one. My brother isn’t talking to me my parents aren’t even annoyed at me they just know this is what I do I have taken three days off sick and have to face work monday after writing that email. I have a new girlfriend who is literally the most beautiful girl you could imagine, I have always had good looking girlfriends but the minute she wants to do anything I am going to have to make an excuse Ihave already told her that my bank card has been cloned and my account has been wiped. I have used that excuse so much it’s untrue. I forgot to mention I went and sold my iphone4 for £190 yesterday today I don’t have £0.01 left gambled and drunk that away on the first day. I literally don’t know how to stop myself. There is only so much I can take. I always think I can win always and I will never ever believe that when I walk into a bookmakers that I will lose never.
So I am 32 with a life that works like this. I borrow and I don’t pay back on time I lie all the time I am complusive at everything that makes me feel good so drink drugs gambling even the gym I am addicted too. I am addicted to pulling girls. I let people down all the time I am never trusted by anyone I feel like a terrible human being that is a burden to my family. My ways out right now I wish I got into the army when I was younger I feel that might have helped but basically I need someone to have full control over everything I do which isn’t possible. Sometimes I even sit and think what if I pretend I am crazy and get put in a mental home so that I can just sit in a room where I don’t have a care in the world or responasbility ever again. I get all these feelings from losing all my money but I assure you if I won and had money in the bank paid all my debts I would be working hard working out happy friendly and on top of the world. But you cant win when gambling is limitless you always get the chancel to lose it back the next day. I am not unintelligent in fact I even made it on the show countdown on c4 two years ago but yet I can not beat gambling I can not control myself. I have so much potential in life because this thing inside me that drives me to gamble actually makes me successful in other things that I do but the gambling side is the price I have to pay for this competitive streak.
ps : I am not suicidle anymore only because it’s too difficult to achieve. I keep thinking one day something is going to happen to sort all this out like a lotto win or something. Cognative Therapy is needed to change the way I think it’s just a shame it takes the NHS so long to see anyone especially after I tried to commit suicide september 2011 and I still haven’t seen anyone. I think if I write a daily blog from today it might help me as I have never felt so alone in all my life I dont want to burden my friends and family with all this I dont want people feeling sorry for me that why I find it so difficult for anyone to have control of my money it chips away at my soul.
if you’re still reading thank you and I want to say one last thing, I am the kind of person that makes everyone laugh and I am great at writing philosphy and giving others direction but when it comes to myself I am terrible. Writing this has helped me ill post something a lot shorter tomorrow and I would love to see your thoughts on my story.

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