[Joshuad89]

Hello everybody. This is my first time on here. I’m 26 years old. I’m a medic in the Army. I am currently stationed in Germany. I have been married to the most amazing woman for 5 1/2 years. She really is my everything. I have an addictive personality; although it wasn’t until fairly recently that I became a compulsive gambler. After I returned from my deployment from Afghanistan, I wasn’t the same. I felt empty and emotionless. I had friends, and my wife is a very easy, fun, and understanding person, but nothing felt real. I moved to Germany shortly after. Obviously I didn’t know anyone here except my wife, so I became very lonely. I discovered a slot room on base. At first it was just fun. Put $20 in, win $10 and get really excited. The behavioral issues I was dealing with seemed to worsen. We made new friends but it was that same emptiness. Then one day I hit for $5000. After that I was hooked. I continued to go because it was the only time my brain would slow down. Nobody bothered me. Nothing else mattered outside of the flashing screen. It sounds crazy, but it became an adamant object. I talk to it in my head as if it can really understand my joy or anger. If I wanted to get away, I would pop by the casino and travel to a different reality. Then the $5000 went away pretty rapidly. As the debt started to accumulate, the recklessness became uncontrollable. Now we go through these cycles. No gambling for 1 week – 3 months, then I spend a bunch at the slots. She asks about it. I come up with some elaborate lie to try and cover it up. Then I have to try and remake that lost money so I take the insurance/rent money. Eventually the truth comes out. Not because I have the balls to tell her, but because I ran out of excuses. She lectures me, it’s awkward for a few days (sleeping on the couch, etc.) I have no idea what to say. Sorry doesn’t work after the 15th time. I come up with a half ass plan so it doesn’t happen again. She takes all the cards. I do good for a little while. I think like a rational person and realize that this is completely insane. You can’t get out of debt by gambling 1000s of dollars. But then something happens. We gotta buy tires, fly home, etc. all of a sudden it’s like my brain is high jacked. I start imagining the screen lighting up with the jackpot. I literally plan all the debt I would pay off, down to the last dollar. Then my mission becomes going to that machine. I go in already thinking I’ve won. A short time later, I leave with overwhelming feelings of anger, regret, sadness, sorrow. I sit and think about how stupid I am. Instead of being short on one bill, now I can’t pay three. It just keeps happening again and again. She’s an amazingly strong woman, but I think today might be the last straw. She got paid today and as soon as I found out I went to the bank and spent it all. Outside of my gambling it’s literally a perfect marriage. I don’t know what to do. I could never kill myself. It would cause her too much pain and I have too much left that I want to do in this world, but the thoughts are becoming more and more common and eleborate. I can’t spend the rest of my life like this. I’m trying but it doesn’t seem like it to her. She thinks I don’t care. I have absolutely no idea what to do anymore.

[charles]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Joshua, Welcome to GT. I am a CG. I work everyday to be gamble free. I can share with you the things that have helped me. Banning from casinos, limiting my access to cash and cards, GT and GA meetings. I think that having one on one contact with other people who know what you are going through is important. The struggle is hard but well worth it. Keep posting!

[Joshuad89]

Thanks for responding Lizabeth. I guess that’s the hard part. Nobody close to me understands. Gambling is a completely foreign subject to my wife and most of my friends. To them I have complete control, I’m just being irresponsible and stupid. I’ve gone to counseling for a little over a year but it’s not helpful. My wife is tired of acting like my mother. I don’t know how much more she can take. I’m just at a loss for words and ideas now. The negative emotions just keep building. I know I’m a good person but more and more I’m starting to not believe it. Idk if it’s a deeper issue that’s causing the self destruction or maybe I am just irresponsible and reckless and don’t care about anyone else.

[charles]

Hi Joshua

If your family doesn’t understand that isn’t unusual. There are a lot of peole who do though and a lot of places you can get support.

You have been feeling emotionless since Afghanistan? Then talk to someone on your base, tell tehm the problems that you have been having. You can get support form more than just the gambling problem.

Plan your return to the US, again more support, the Army can arrange counselling, there will be other support for your gambling, places like Gamblers Anonymous. Things you can do like gettign excluded from local casinos etc etc.

The most important advice I can ever give anyone is to use support. Let’s face it if we could do it on our own then we wouldn’t be in the **** in the first place.

Keep posting.

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