[kathryn]

Hello,
I found my old thread on page 15 last night and read it through and here’s some thoughts about it….
Firstly I am a dreadful over sharer!
Every thought in my head on those pages, I’ve always been that way and I’m not sure why? I still do it to this day, I’m sure I’ll be doing it in very shortly on this post.
But oh my the joy of reading some of those memories, the birth of the grand babies, the trips and laughs, the fun and not so fun times. Funny how I don’t actually remember most of the not so good times, even though yep, there they are, word for word. The good times however, while the details aren’t sharp, bought back the memories and feelings of the time. I actually loved reading it.
So here I am.
16 years after finding GT, Harry, Tim and the divine Velvet. And what have I learned?
The last few years have been a little bumpy. I found myself zoning out to zombie slot games on my phone. Nope, I couldn’t win anything, but I did sometimes buy credits to keep playing. I have always been a slot girl, that spinning screen, flashing, singing, mesmerising machine. I don’t need to think, I don’t need to face anything, talk or interact. It’s what I’ve done in the past. To hide and not face the world. Sure it was now and then, but it turned on that little monster in my head. It didn’t push me into going to a venue, in fact, I’ve been to lots of venues, Australia is full of them and I’ve never given it a thought to walk into ‘that’ room. Sitting at home however, no need to move!
So I have set up a bet blocker on my phone and iPad, to ensure I can’t access the mind numbing machines.
Gambling, for me, was never really about the money. The money kept me playing. It was the escape. If I didn’t know that before (which I did but hadn’t really thought about it for a while), I do now.
Financially it’s barely a blip. Mentally though, I haven’t been present. Not like I was. And that needs to change.
So….barriers up! And come back to my place of understanding and support.
The dream I had for myself and my family when I first found this site, is a bit different now. Back then I had 3 kids at home, now I have 1 and in truth he’s barely here.
It’s just the 2 of us, my husband Dames and I. Not quite sure if I’m comfortable with it yet. It’s a strange feeling and I guess we are now starting to find our way, starting to look down the road to planning retirement (no not for quite a few years yet) and what we’re going to do. I lost our home to gambling and we have never recovered from that. As it stands we will be grey nomads travelling the countryside for months at a time and coming back to park on kids (and probably grandkids) front lawns with our clothes and a few ‘special’ things I won’t be able to part with.
We still, for the most part live week to week. The ‘dream’ of being rich when gambling ceased hasn’t really come to fruition. But…we have jobs, a roof, good food. Our bills are paid and we can go on holidays a few times a year (I even got the hubby to Bali last year which was no mean feat!) so really, I am rich! Just not the way I imagined when I was 38 and in such a hole I thought we would never get out.
I think I’ve blabbered enough today. As always I am so grateful for this site, I even went to the very last pages and checked out the posts. So many familiar names, I can’t help but wonder what’s become of them all, but my hope is they are off living their life gamble free.
Harry once said to me that one day I wouldn’t come back here, that life would take over, and he was right! I scoffed at him back then (sorry H) but I am so blessed to be able to come back , knowing that I am welcome and safe to say what I need to without judgement.
I will post more later, this post spewed out like lava from a volcano and I feel lighter just for writing it. I know I will always be a compulsive gambler, and that’s ok. It’s part of me and who i am. Keeping vigilant is the key for my recovery. My brain hasn’t had the ‘fog ‘ for a long time, just a little mist.
Love K xxx

[iamhere]

Kathryn,

Reading your post has made smile. Life continues, and it sounds like you’re doing well ❤️.
I’m newer to this site and it’s been quiet for the majority of my time on it. I check in here and there. It’s nice to see a little more movement on here ❤️

[kin]

Hi Kathryn,

It was real nice to see you posting again.
Your experience in recovery has been an invaluable asset to the recovery community.
I hope your return will lead to many others like P and Vera.

I miss Ken. I am very sure many people he touch feels the same.
He never fail to throw the lifesaver to the man in the water.

[kin]

Hi Kathryn,

Looking forward to your next post. Thank you.

[kathryn]

Thank you Kin for thinking of me.
Well a lovely 4 day weekend has started. Work has been crazy and I’m glad to be having some time to get things done around the house but also a time to relax (I hope)
It’s interesting, Easter time was usually busy for me with the kids, but this year my daughter has gone away, my middle son is working every day and my youngest son is with his girlfriend!
I miss having little kids, the excitement of Easter bunny or Santa, the early morning squeals when they realise they have been left
something….then waking us up to go see!
I missed a lot when I was gambling, i didn’t hear them. Of course I didn’t know this until I had finally asked for help. The realisation of it was quite devastating. My daughter was the most affected. We have had many conversations over the last 16 years, first apologies and attempted explanations, trying to describe how I felt, that it wasn’t her fault, that is wasn’t her! Now when things are brought up, which isn’t too often anymore she says it’s ok mum. She is truly an amazing woman, one of the kindest people I know. Thoughtful with others always, and grateful for her wonderful life, she knows just how fortunate she is, she has a hard working husband and they have built a flourishing business and a beautiful family together. She is everything I hoped she would be and more. I couldn’t be prouder! My middle son was married last year…bizarre when I think he was 10 when I found GT and now he is off with his gorgeous wife. They are so in love and starting out. Working hard and saving for their first home. And my baby boy is about to turn 21…this kid is finding his feet, he didn’t cope well in covid, kind of shut down so we are working on his confidence and making some decisions for his future. He currently works with his dad and I’m not sure he likes it that much but he gets up
And goes so that’s something. He’s quiet, I worry sometimes as he isn’t a big sharer with anything really but he has good friends and a lovely girlfriend who makes him laugh.
So I guess theyre all off doing their own thing now. I have a few busy weekends coming up so I’m grateful for this time to get things in order. Boring as it may be it’s nice when the housework is done and I can sit with a cuppa and relax. I am however going to see ZZ top next weekend, I’m sure many of you here won’t know who they are but it was the first big concert I went to when I was 15 and it’s their 40 year anniversary! It’s going to be a blast! Having a sleepover at my brothers too who I don’t see very often so even better! There’s 6 of us staying there it should be a fun night.
Well enough blabbering….i hope you all have a safe and happy Easter, boring isn’t so
bad you know, I don’t miss that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach one little bit.
Take care, love K xx

[Author]

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