[St.Jude]

I am in my mid-twenties, and did not ever expect to become a compulsive gambler, but looking back I can see I have always been someone who acts on impulse and just doesn’t have the ability to stop when something feels good.

A couple weeks before this thanksgiving I got it into my head that I needed to gamble because I am buried in student loan debt. Approximately 100k. Ironically I have made things quite worse… approximately 10k lost in the past month. I took a second job as a

custodian, and the work has been gruelling. Low pay, unhygenic work, and it makes me very bitter.

I chose to go in to social work, and despite its rewarding qualities, it does not pay the best. There is a lot of exposure to child maltreatment and other kinds of abuse and horrible things. It is exhausting. Perhaps a big trigger for me is a teen

I work with almost died by suicide last month, and it was upsetting to me because the family did not take the right steps to intervene, and in my opinion, created the problem. I know

I can’t take responsibility for my clients but I feel devastated that I cannot do more to resolve this tragic situation.

I noticed my gambling was getting really out of control after a few binges after thanksgiving, and I was about 5k down at this point. I went to a local GA meeting, and it was helpful. Other folks have lost so much more, their families, homes and jobs – I thought, I had a lot to learn from these

people, and I need to keep coming. They were quite pleasant to be with, and someone was celebrating their 13th year of sobriety. But the following week I felt steadfast in gambling to cover my losses, and it went downhill from there.

This past week was the absoslute worst. It started by recovering some losses and I started to feel invincible. I’ve bled thousands a day in the past few days. This has progressed very quickly and in a grave way.

Thoughts of self-harm are creeping in, and it is terrifying to me. I sold my drumest today to pay my debt, as my initial intention, but went to gamble it off and so much more.

I am trying sell my beloved grand piano to pay off my line of credit, on which I used to play jazz and Chopin for my family, but it remains neglected these days as I don’t have the energy to be creative. I am becoming

a very wretched pereson.

Resolving at the moment to seek a therapist this week, as I know this is what I would recommend if I had a client in my situation. Tomorrow would have been a 3rd meeting for GA, but since I skipped last week, it will be my second. I hope I can continue to resolve to go.

Finding this site has been helpful in licking my wounds after losing another thousand tonight. It went so much faster than the other times. I feel despicable for praying to God for a win this evening. How sad God must feel when we ask him to give us things that hurt us.

I will try to post and support others, and also frequent back to this thread. Thanks for listening.

One last note – if St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, doesn’t mind me borrowing his name, then I will continue to use it here in hope that my life is not doomed to a road of perdition and utter misery.

[i-did-it]

Hi St Jude
You are certainly not doomed to anything – you are taking the right steps to recovery by seeking help .

Can you cut off access to gambling for now? If it is online gambling , would you consider putting blockers on your internet devices like Betfilter or close down all access to gambling on your phone by installing k9 and cutting off all other browsers ?

If you gamble in land casinos, could you get yourself banned from the premises ?

The fact you chose St Jude as a name shows that you have faith in God’s ability to restore your life . Once you stop gambling you will be amazed how quickly things start to look better .

There is a community here rooting for you and I think t would be fantastic if you decided firmly in your mind to go to GA. it took me years to understand that not gambling is as much about mindset as anything else – although I found barriers invaluable in giving me some breathing space .

Well done on joining this site – I hope to meet you in the chat groups soon.

[St.Jude]

Went to GA today and scheduled for a therapist. I feel a bit of hope coming back. The urges are still there, but I’m still broke, so safe for now. Friday is payday and will be a challenge. For now I am trying to focus on others rather than myself, and hope I can be of use to someone. Long road to go, it feels.

-St. Jude

[i-did-it]

Hi st Jude
Those are very positive steps you have taken – well done!
– is there anyway you can safeguard your money before Friday? Can u get someone else to hold your card perhaps and give you money as you need it?

I find barriers really helpful when my will power is weak .
Keep strong .

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