[nicky1995]

My name is Nicky, I am a middle aged woman struggling with my gambling addiction.  Poker machines are my downfall or should I say I am my downfall for they are after all a machine.  I have no interest in any other forms of gambling except the occassional lotto ticket or Melbourne cup bets.  I guess I get instant gratification from the poker machines or instant despair depending on the moment.  I also have a chronic Major Depressive Illness which over the years has seen me turn to alcohol and now gambling.  I have an addictive personality coupled with  anxiety issues.  To be blunt I should neither drink alcohol or gamble as my mental health deteriorates rapidly.  Recently my gambling addiction has seen me spiral out of control, leading to a stint in hospital.  This has all been very painful for my family especially my teenage son who has personally witness the horror of chronic depression and my admittance to hospital after I tried to take my own life.  All of this has caused great harm as I live in despair and aloneness.  I have turned into a manipulative, cunning liar to cover my gambling.  I have borrowed off family and friends also I have taken out a personal loan which I blew on the poker machines.  Honesty is the first thing required and it is a battle to fully expose my behaviour to the world.  I know that the world does not revolve around me but at present I have to put myself outthere to get the help I need.  I am considered a good person by those who love and care for me, but I have never felt that way and the compulsive gambling has eaten away at what little self esteem I may have had.  I am deeply ashamed and for the sake of me and my son I will face this problem.

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