[tg2580]

I guess i was 13 when it all started, not in a big way but just at the local arcade…..anything that could break up the monotony of school or a difficult home life was a bonus i guess. This wasnt a long term thing, maybe a year or so and in some ways i took as much pleasure from being there as i did from actually playing the fruit machines – watching someone else play was almost enough of a release.
As a kid i was a very good junior athelete, represented my country at athletics, then at 19 having left school some years earlier to work and focus on my sport i suffered 2 setbacks that really hit me – i was seriously injured and i failed to get into the RAF as a PTI due to a sight condition that i had from a young age…..one that could have been fixed had it not have been picked up too late, not being able to do 2 of the things closest to my heart really effected my self confidence and esteem and led to a relapse of wanting to find a release away from outside life. At this point i started to Gamble again – nothing serious at first, but of course with working came more access to money so the amounts became larger and the dependency stronger.
I broke the dependency by moving abroad and starting what has now become a succsessful career, it wasnt easy at first, however there was so much to take in and so many people to meet that it was all consuming initially – with the initial move and settling period over i started to miss home, thinking of the mistakes that i had made and wondering how would be the best way to put them right…..roll this forward and the inevitable "beating myself up" led to minor depression i guess (spending less time with friends and becoming more introvert) and then that feeling that i needed a relase returned….as did the need for a Gamble. With the advent of online betting i had plenty of opportunities to do this so it was almost like i had a 24 hour personal service of pick me ups.
This time it was more serious, i lost a girlfriend through my erratic behaviour and gambling, but convinced myself that it was on the rocks anyway and that it was actually a good thing, i became less settled in my job and started to find my circle of frinds lessening, however once again i was able to stop…..not recover, but stop.
A few years on and my life had taken a turn for the better with a stable relationship and a child that i love very dearly, however as soon as things turned against us i would reach for the laptop and take myself away – taking away a lot more than i realised at first. breakup followed.
From that point on the next few years were a struggle, both for me personally and emotianally – i left the country that i was working in and moved elsewhere, however was lucky that through it all maintained a relationship with my son. One thing led to another and i ended up (still abroad) at the point i am today……or 5 months ago to be honest…
Life was great – good job, finace, nice place to live etc…however soon things started to go wrong – a series of personal setbacks left me with those same feelings of inaddiquacy that i had when i was younger and soon the depression took hold and all of a sudden my life felt monotinious and heavy….i needed a release and so started gambling…..this time it was heavy, hours at a time and large sumes of money – i would get paid and then almost gamble it all away so started to borrow to pay the bills….then gamble that away so borrow more until there was nothing left…..the wedding fund was gambled away and i had borrowed from every source imaginable. It was time tell someone…..not because i wanted to but because i had no where else to turn. The shame of that conversation and following conversations is still very alive, however she has stuck by me which is more than i could ever have expected following the level of what i had done.
So today i sit here having been given a final chance – not to run away like before, but to recover from something that i never knew existed – compulsive gambling in order to remove myself from relaity.
I am starting to recover but need to understand all of the little parts that caused my problem to become so big – advice on where to start and how to make sense of it all would be appreciated – i can control it now and have no urge to gamble….but when the pain and shame goes and another bad thing happens what then?upwards is onwards……

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