[nomorenomore]

I am a 45 year old man, I have gambled for 25+ years. I am currently in recovery. This is day 13 of that recovery. I am posting as new member on this site as I am seeking to strengthen my recovery. I ended up on this site today because I had my first real test; the gremlins of self-doubt appeared. I don’t know where they came from but in the back of my mind I developed a real sense of fear. I began to ask myself what if I don’t quit; what if I can’t quit? The only real answer I could come up with was that I would have to take my own life.I did not gamble but that’s easier now as I have put all of the necessary blocks in place. I had a cry to myself and then somehow found myself on this website, still searching for answers. I had a live chat with someone called Harry. After half an hour or so of chat I started to put things back into perspective with Harry’s help, of course. The smile is back on my face and I, again, believe that I have the strength to continue in my battle against this evil, crippling disease.
During my 25+ years gambling I have been bankrupt, I have destroyed one relationship and almost destroyed another. I have been bailed out numerous times by partners, my mother and father. I have run up massive debts which I eventually hope to have paid off within the next five years. I have gambled on horses, greyhounds, football, golf and other sports. In the last two years I also developed an addiction for on line poker, losing and chasing losses in just the same way. I have had some very big wins in my time as a gambler but these wins just went back into trying to win more. However much I could win would never be enough for me to stop and I would continue gambling until there was nothing left. I have taken loans out to gamble with, I have maxed out credit cards, lied to my friends and family to get further funds for gambling.
All this came to an end for me when I had nowhere left to turn and nobody to turn to and nowhere to live. I had run out of options. I contemplated suicide and almost went through with it. I found some strength from somewhere to seek help from other gamblers and trained counsellors over the internet. I also have purchased a book, I am using self-hypnosis but I believe the biggest thing is coming clean with my partner, family and close friends as well as colleagues at work and this is the first time I have ever done that. This is really the first time that I have ever attempted to quit for good. I have made other half-hearted attempts but just simply wasn’t ready. I hope that on this site and others I can find further encouragement, inspiration from others and continue to build a wall brick by brick between me and my demon which is gambling. I once believed I had a drugs problem so I quit. I once believed I had a drinking problem so I quit. I can now drink in moderation without ever feeling that I need to drink more and more. The gambling problem doesn’t seem to come that easy. I am ready to quit, want to quit but sometimes I wonder if it will ever quit me.

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