[primetime0552]

I started playing online poker when I was 15 years old. I started with free rolls and would win quite a few of them. I then started using the money I won in the free rolls to start playing cash games. I thought I was just doing this for entertainment, but now realize this was the start of an addiction that has lasted until today, 28 years old. When I was allowed to go to casinos, I would go multiple times a week to play poker. I was pretty good at it and made quite a bit of money. I then would play for higher and higher stakes. When I would win, I would win big but when I would lose I would lose even bigger. I haven’t played poker in almost 5 years, but now I play blackjack. I won’t play blackjack unless I’m betting at least $50 a hand, but usually am bettering $100+. I just don’t see the point in it unless it’s high stakes. As you probably know, $50 a hand at blackjack can turn into thousands lost very quickly. Over the 13 years I’ve lost bank accounts, overdrawn credit cards (eventually losing those accounts), have spent money that was given to me to do a job, and lied to friend and family members.

My girlfriend and I live together with our 2.5 year old daughter. For the first couple years of our relationship I’m guessing she may have thought I had a problem, but I was very good at hiding this from her. Last May I admitted my problem to her and this was the most refreshing thing that I have done. I finally thought I was going to be able to control this addiction now that it was out in the open. At first this hurt the relationship with my girlfriend, but over the last year I think our relationship has become closer and stronger than it ever has been. I promised her that I would never lie to her or hide anything from her again and I haven’t. At first the trust between us was absolutely ruined, but over the last year I have started to earn her trust back.

She went to visit her family out of state with our daughter, so I am alone in the house for a week. The third night being alone I decided to go to the casino. Even if I were to win, I know this wasn’t the right thing to do, but my addiction kicked in. I ended up losing everything I had in my account and then some. I am actually thankful that I lost. If I would have won who knows what I would have done or how I would feel. She comes home in a couple days and I’m going to tell her about this right way. Granted I think this will hurt our relationship and the progress we have been making, but I promised her that I would never lie to her. I am afraid to tell her, but I’m more afraid to hide this from her.

I’ve come to realize that a trigger to my gambling is alcohol. I honestly don’t know the last time I’ve gambled when I wasn’t drinking. So I’ve also decided to stop drinking. I don’t believe I have a big drinking problem, usually only have a couple beers a week. I am deciding to stop drinking completely.
There’s been many times over the last 13 years that my gambling addiction has caused me to think about suicide. I just didn’t see any out to this destructive addiction. Even the other night when I lost everything, again, the thoughts came into my head. The entire drive home I thought of ways to do it. I then thought of my daughter and my family. I would never want to hurt them by hurting myself. I’ve done enough to hurt them by having this addiction. I know I’ve let them down and hurt them again after gambling for the first time in a year. I don’t want to see the disappointment in their eyes after I tell them, but know I need to tell them and keep being honest with them.

I’ve taken the steps to self-ban myself from the closest casinos in my area. In my state you can choose 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, or life. I chose the life ban and this isn’t something you can remove yourself from. I know I will still be able to walk in the doors of these casinos and they won’t know me from anyone else. Since I will only gamble for such high amounts, every time I cash out they scan my ID through their computer. This will then flag them that I’m on the list and they would immediately have to call the police (as part of the law in my state). I would then be arrested and charged with trespassing (up to year in jail and $1000 fine for first offense). I believe since I won’t be able to win anything at the casino without being arrested, that this will deter me from gambling. I plan on adding myself to this list whenever a new casino is built in my area or when I’m around any of the casinos in other parts of the state. I also plan on seeking counseling once I get back on my feet financially after my loss the other night. I am also planning on giving up my bank account to my girlfriend so she can control my finances. This will help me be even more accountable for my actions and she will never have any doubts.

I know I can beat this addiction, but I also know this is going to be a lifetime battle. I haven’t gambled now in 2 days and this is the start to the rest of my life. I need to control this so I can give my daughter the best life she could have. She is my motivation to beat this addiction and I will succeed for her. Thankfully she isn’t old enough now to understand this addiction and the destruction of it, but she will be old enough soon. I will get this figured out before she is old enough to understand the destruction it has caused.

May 20th 2016 is the last time I will place a bet or have a drink. I don’t need either of those things in my life.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. This addiction is very embarrassing for me and very hard to talk about. I look forward to being part of this community and going through life without this addiction.

[theone12221]

Hi prime it’s good to see you sticking to your honesty policy with your partner. Whilst I also told my gf most of the time I gambled I did not always reveal the full extent of my relapses to her. I regret not having done this as it can definitely bite you in the back later on. Good work on the self-exclusion. You’ve done all the groundwork to start your recovery, now it’s time for you to win the mental battle.

[primetime0552]

I’m sure a lot of people had the same mind set I did when it came to gambling and debt. Gambling will make it so I can pay off my debt sooner. How untrue that statement is, but I know a lot of gamblers believe that. If I wouldn’t have gambled I would be 28 years old and have zero debt. Now I’m 28 years old and looking at 20k in debt. I know that isn’t a huge number compared to a lot of people, but it’s still a number that reminds me of my failures every day. I’m going to concentrate very hard on getting that paid off as soon as possible so I won’t have that constant reminder. It’s time to move forward and time to stop looking back!

[Fisherman]

Apart from having a daughter and a girlfriend, i can tell you my story is almost identical. Im also 28 and have gone trough major ups and downs during my gambling ‘career’ .. Now im stuck in a hole of debt, trying to crawl myself out. I wish you all the best. *knuckles*

[Author]

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