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Hi my name is Chris i’m 27 years old from Scotland. I’ve been a compulsive gambler since i was about 12 years old.
I have been in and out of gamblers anonymous since i was 18 years old but i have never been able to truly commit to it. I always felt like i was out of place, like i didn’t belong there.
My earliest memory of gambling stems back to a player of the year dance for my football team when i was playing under 11’s. All the boys including myself were in the bathroom for a while and we were playing a game called ‘chippy’. To explain this is basically when everyone lines up about 2-3 meters from a wall with a chosen coin to gamble, £1 or 50p and basically you would toss the coin towards the wall and the boy who was the closet to the wall kept all the money.
As the years progressed i found myself obsessed with slot machines. The local town center where i’m from had an In Shops which like all In Shops has a scabby cafe with a mini amusements at the back. I was about 13 years old and these were mainly unguarded but even if the coin woman did come over she didn’t really care that i was well under 18. So everyday i would starve myself at school and keep the £3 my folks would give me for lunch and go there after school to gamble with that money as i had no other income of money to fuel this obsession. I would lie to my parents after school and tell them i was away to play tennis (which i did do sometimes) but the other occasions i would head for the in shops before they closed at half 5 to gamble my lunch money. The seed was officially planted that would start a downward spiral that would leave my life in disarray.
Between the ages 14-17 i was only interested in slot machines. I had a paper round so i have £17 per week income. There was a new mini amusement which opened on the high street this time and it was open until 8/9 at night so this was the new hang out spot for me and a couple of friends most night. We would go there after school with our lunch money and lose it within minutes most of the time and even when we did hit a jackpot that money would never last long. After we had exhausted all of our money we would hang around the amusement and watch other people play and smoke cigarettes. It was a terrible existence for a 14 year old. My parents would either think i was out playing football, tennis or just at one of the other boys houses. The lying just came so naturally to me.
The next step in my life was the 2006 world cup when i had just turned 18 and was introduced to the bookmakers. I had a PT job at clothes shop Next and this was just used to fuel the ever growing addiction. I remember the first ever coupon i put on and it won. I had Germany to win their opening match for example and i just remember watching it live and when they scored the feeling of euphoria that i got was unmatched up until that point in my life. I was buzzing. Even though it was only for like £20 it was relevant to me at that point in my life. I know for a fact that whatever money i could afford was exactly what i would bet with. At present a £5 or £10 bet would do nothing for me, it’s all relevant.
So the years passed and i was spending hours and hours per week in a bookmakers planning where football or tennis match to bet on next. I really never took to horse racing much but i still put bets on it from time to time even though i knew nothing about it. I had spells in gambler anonymous at 18, 20 and 23 but i never lasted more than 6 months.
Then came the mother lord, the crack cocaine of gambling. The roulette machines. Whenever i was looking for that instant fix of gambling adrenaline i would nip in to the bookies with £20 for a spin of the roulette wheel. More often then not i was straight back out the door to the nearest cash machine only to return to try and win that £20 back. Sometimes i’d win big and it would feel amazing but it didn’t mean anything. The following day i was back thinking i could do it again but it was never the case. You could literally £1000 in less than 10 minutes on those machines.
I moved on to the more convenient method of gambling via online. This was fine for a while until i got an inch or a sudden urge and the only way to solve that was to play roulette or blackjack online and boy oh boy was that a bad idea. Sports betting was never enough, i felt like i was always waiting too long until the next match. I’d only really bet on tennis or football so there wasn’t a 24/7 gambling fix to feed my addiction. The rate that you can lose money on the online casinos was shocking.
Over the years I’ve learned a lot about myself as a person. Iv’e stole money to feed my addiction, iv’e lied and lied and lied some more, iv’e cheated on previous girlfriends and generally treated them poorly for the majority. Iv’e been fired from a couple of jobs due to my lack of work ethic that i know was related to gambling. I’ve lost thousands and thousands of pound over the years and have had good jobs along the way but all i have to show for it is -£11,000 equity and i am only renting property.
About 3 days ago was rock bottom for me. I deposited £500 into one of my online betting accounts and that £500 was turned into £11,125 to be exact. this was won via tennis betting and then blackjack. Once i won up to that value i closed the casino app and i was physically shaking, i done the math i knew this would be enough to pay off my 2 credit cards and bank loan and i was so happy. An hour later and i had nothing left!!! Instead of withdrawing that money and clearing my debts once and for all, i went back to blackjack and a few bad hands later and i was desperate and i was chasing and eventually lost it all. Yes i could say it was only £500 lost but i hurt more than any other loss. I was shaking and in tears at work. I had this golden opportunity to sort my life out and i throw it away.
Today is day 2 free from gambling so everyday i am going to come on here and post a story either about how my day has been or from my past to try and help others as well as helping myself.
My barriers are up, i’m ready for the challenge ahead.
Thanks for reading
Chris -
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Hi Chris,
Hmmm, suggestions for filling in time…….
– go for a walk…not sure of the weather in Scotland at the mo
– start a new book?
– catch up with someone you haven’t seen for a long time for a coffee……not too much money needed.
– cook a nice dinner for your g/f, she sounds like a keeper!!!
– this may sound a bit weird, but those adult colouring books are really great, soooo relaxing and its surprising how once you start, you need to finish the page.
– sit in a park and just be. listen to the world ( sounds a bit hippie) but its the small things sometimes that give the most joy
– get on this site, read read read some more, post and join as many groups as you can. its great chatting with others who truly understand where you are at.
I hope that helps…..
Take care, K x -
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