[dannyt121]

I will regularly on a weekly basis add to this journal.

I wanted to firstly express gratitude to the people here doing what they do, you save people and deserve much credit.

My story…my addiction…mine to change.

I gambled for the first time in an arcade when I was 13. Where I grew up it was full of pensioners, for youngsters there was not much going on locally and I thought…why not try this out? I see guys playing these all the time. They are bright and exciting and I could win some money too whilst I’m playing this game. 13 years later I know that is the last thing it is…a game. I’ve grown up working hard at what I love professionally, I’ve sailed around the world doing it. I’ve seen all walks of life in such different places all over the world, people much less fortunate with none of the opportunities I’ve had. Yet here I am suffering after a seed was planted all that time ago. I worked full time and earnt reasonably good money when I was 18. My first pay check I received and for some reason I cannot remember I needed an extra £100 that month so I went online playing roulette for the first time. How I wish I lost! It was such easy money I thought after slaving away 12 hour shifts. I won a lot of money in a single week, Monday 4k…Tuesday 3k…down 1k Wednesday…Up 5k Thursday. I went on holiday and bought a few nice thing but was never satisfied with my winnings and it all went back in and some. My wages went in every month too. I felt sick, I couldn’t sleep and digesting it all was too much to take. My family were dissapointed in me and that was it, I stopped. Cold turkey. I did it on my own and thought I don’t need the help I can do this. Thankfully I went to Uni and in my first year stopped completely. 2nd year had a rare flutter. 3rd year back into the problem and it got to the same point of feeling sick etc. I got work travelling and again stopped but in two years I had break downs. I’ve not played at all this year until two months ago. I had just finished a contract away and was back home. I’d been away from my girlfriend for so long we decided we should live together so I moved into her parents house. They were great, a really loving family and they welcomed me. I got along with them and her brother too. My girlfriend wasn’t well so was looking after her, nothing major but needed me. It was the least I could after spending so much time away from her. I was there for her but I was also at times bored and a little lost. Being at sea your stuck in this tin can and once a contract is over, whats next? I applied for normal jobs, anything I could get my hands on. I started getting down because nothing was coming in and anything that was I would go for but in my heart didn’t want. I fell into that trap and began gambling online again. A little and then a lot. My girlfriend knew I had a history I’d tell her everything but I didn’t go to her and shielded what was happening. I told her lies upon lies. I kept telling myself I’m in control but that was the last thing I was. Her brother went away for a month and her parents also, it was just the two of us. Money was tight, I had to borrow from her and was running out of ways to feed my habit. I went into her brothers room which I never went into as had no reason and took out of a draw £120. I thought hes away for a month I can put it back. I was justifying with myself that it was OK. I was demonized, this wasn’t me but sadly now was a part of me. I’m a loving, caring, honest and genuine guy and I go and do something like that. That night my girlfriend found out, thankfully she did. Her brother asked her to send something that same day and explained there was money in the draw. She confronted me and I told her the truth. It broke my heart, I felt lower than I ever have and it shattered our trust. I love her with all my heart and yet I’m putting her through this? This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through my entire life. I told her I need help. I realized I tried and failed on my own. Its turned me into something I am not and I have the strength after all that has happened to come out the other end, gamble free. I love this girl with every inch of me, she is my world and I am disgusted by my actions and for breaking her heart. I’m thankfully getting the help, I’m receiving counselling weekly now. Every day I’m finding new ways to better myself and kick the habit. I go running to keep myself occupied and to help release tension. Last night I compiled around 100 gaming/betting/bingo sites you name it and emailed them all my info with computer IP address explaining my problem and in case of a relapse I want to be excluded from it. I’m facing this head on now and know I have the will power, determination and strength to beat it. I hate that the love of my life has been victimized by this devastating addiction. I love myself, I have a good heart and soul and want to be with her forever. But the damage has been done and we are now having space this week, I want one more chance. If I relapse I will not debate not being together I will leave and not try again because that is not fair. The fact that I have jeopardized us once is not fair but a second time? NO WAY. I’m 26 and know that she is the best girl I’ve ever met and will never meet another like her. I’m fully focused on me, finding ways to change habits and come December would have not gambled for 90 days. I’m always researching and understanding my problem, its my problem and its up to me to stick with the solution. DT

[charles]

Hi Danny and welcome.

Well done on the steps you have taken so far. getting banned from those sites was a good idea but maybe think about gettign a blocker for your PC as well in case any other sites prove tempting.

Willpower and determinationa re important of course but it’s also important to use support as well. keep posting and I look forward to hearing your progress in recovery.

One day at a time.

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